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Shadows in the Snow. My first story.
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Syrius
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 13, 2006 11:48 pm    Post subject: Shadows in the Snow. My first story. Reply with quote

Hello to all of you.

I just can't let this nagging feeling bother me anymore. I want you to pretty please (with a cherry on top) read and give me feedback on this draft of my novella, Shadows in the Snow. I tried to take a slow approach to it, writing it from the main character's perspective to give it a personal approach, and putting some tidbits of myself in several characters. Perhaps you may find some clichéd scenes or dialog that's awkward, and that's where I need your help. That and any grammar errors can be attributed to the story being written late at night, and your comments are the motivation I need to keep on writing. I'll release every chapter in consecutive posts over here in this thread, in small portions to keep it digestible. Enough rambling. For your enjoyment or torture, I give you Shadows in the Snow. Just be honest when criticizing, and kind too. Thanks. Smile


That being said, this story is being released under the creative commons deed conditions:

You can distribute, display and perform the work under the following conditions:

Give credit to the author. (Me, Syrius Belsferg. Cheesy name, I know. Bite me.)

Don't use it for commercial purposes, without express consent of the author.

No derivative works without express consent of the author. (If you like it and contact me with a side story or follow up, I'm likely to say yes. )

For any reuse or distribution, you must make clear to others the license terms of this work.

Any of these conditions can be waived if you get permission from the copyright holder.

Fair use rights granted.

Thanks for reading. Smile
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 13, 2006 11:57 pm    Post subject: Shadows In The Snow. Chapter One. Reply with quote

Shadows In The Snow
By Syrius Belsferg.


The place: Eurys. the barren Eurys.
The time: One of the lost passages in my memory.
The name: Malcolm, just that.

Everything then was assignments, work, field evaluation trips and analysis; some entertainment on the already seen and tired distractions on the recreational sectors of the city and a weird empty feeling inside of me, consuming my time and my energy.

That was the life in sector D of one of the semi-buried cities of Eurys, which had been our home since we understood we could name the different things that surrounded us and discovered we were different to the other beings of our planet.

At least, it was the the type of life I always had led.
Others seemed so busy and worried with their own schedules and futile wishes that it seemed no one ever stopped to ponder why, why everything was like this; why everyone was running so aimlessly, working so hard to survive in this frozen spheroid which never provided a comfortable place for us to dwell... after seeing so many wasted efforts to transform hostile terrain into another extension of the already crowded city, one began to think that Eurys had never liked the idea of having us on its surface. Or simply nearby it.

And then the sound of the food preserving unit reminded me I had spent a lot of time trying to refine the crystals on my work bench, after finding out that the vein of ore from they which came was unusually saturated with the materials we needed to preserve the existence I considered to be so accursed.

>This dish has been standing here for approximately 45 minutes.
> Do you wish to dispose of it, or restart the process?

-Warm it to preset 6.-

>Command accepted.

The crystals would surely yield a high amount of CIV (Compressed Ionized Vapors), our primary energy source. What would happen if we could not find any more of those?

But my job was that, finding more by analyzing the samples and data collected on the fields, that is why i had become a Geologist engineer and mineralogist expert... Hah! what a fancy title for someone who has to go to the frozen fields with deadly cold temperatures, protected with the (almost useless) standard-issue thermal suit the company provided us with, only to discover he got his hide frostbitten while looking for something that could not be there, and if it ever was, the results of the analysis would deem the source as "non-profitable' or "not suitable for use".

This time was going to be different, however. If the rest of the deposit was at least half as good as the sample, its exploitation would mean the building of facilities and a new annex to the city, and therefore, employment, satisfactors for every conceivable need, and people who would consume them would follow. Could be the biggest discovery of CIV mineral to date.

It had been like that with the other areas of the underground city: Deposit gets discovered, people move to the developing area, build homes and businesses, consume resources, multiply... and unlike locusts, they did not move on once there was nothing more to extract, depending instead on the energy generated somewhere else, adding to the already huge demand.

That was what we called "life".

Of course, there were distractions and entertainment, as well as educational institutions, work centers, and farming areas. Our life was changed since the discovery of CIV about 94 cycles ago; we were not dependent of the brief outbursts of "goodwill" of Eurys anymore.
CIV had marked the start of the Energy Era.

I agreed on the radical groups' point of view that sooner or later the Crystal deposits would run out and then we would return to those barbaric times when nature had us at its mercy (of which there was none) serving as food for the wild beasts that did not fear fire, and losing the little food and possessions we had managed to gather to pillage among the rival groups or disasters. As soon as we had discovered CIV and generated heat with it, we began to cooperate and dug our cities around the banks of ore found sometimes by luck or through very hard work. We were safe and warm, without the need to fear anything ever again.

However, the radicals were wrong, way wrong in believing an alternate energy source would be our salvation once we had used up all of the CIV in the land; because there was absolutely nothing we could use to obtain heat or electricity, or at least nothing that could grant our survival the way CIV did. So scarce were the useful materials in Eurys.

Hence, the reason why I believed, no; why I knew we were doomed. It was only a matter of time. (Unless some kind of miracle happened, but facts always weighed more than faith in my scales.)

We had struggled so hard for so long to get all of this, and sooner or later we'd lose it, uncertain of what the future would bring...

>Incoming Transmission From: Greco Vitaliz.

-Accept.-

(Good old Greco.)

-Hey, Kid. May I interrupt you?-

-Not interrupting, pal. Talk to me-

-I'll be brief: This is the mother lode, Malcolm. Never seen anything like it before. In one word, huge.-

-We still need to evaluate its saturation... -

-Even if it's medium quality, we still hit the pay dirt. We can energize half the city for a year without using refined product. You did it, son!-

-We did it, if you hadn't pushed me to check a little deeper... -

-Yes, and then you kept on drilling and probing like there was no tomorrow; oh, I forgot, you think there is no tomorrow once we run out of ore..ha ha ha!-

-We will eventually end up with nothing in our hands before we realize it.-

-Not this time. No, sir. Trust me on this. If my years of experience serve me of something, that's to predict we'll find other power source before this vein is even exhausted.-

He said it with that very same wink and smile he had on his face when we were probing field 47-C, before we found "the mother lode".

-Our commission will allow us to live like kings for the rest of our lives, or at least until my daughter enrolls in the Academy.- He said half-laughing. -Look, Malcolm; why not stop being so grouchy once in your life and go celebrate some nice place. That attitude is fit for old men like me, but not for a young and rich field specialist!-

He made me smile. -All right Greco, I need to get my mind off work for a while. Better enjoy this ephemeral glory we now have, so we can remember something fondly when we start freezing to death in a few years.-

-I told you to stop being so pessimistic. I would invite you to dinner, but I know you'll just say no. Don't come see me tomorrow unless you are completely wasted and happy for our "little" discovery. And, if we are going to freeze later, we can use all the bills we got now to light a fire. Heh!-

-Okay. See you later, Greco.-

-Have fun.-

>End of conference.
>Added Text Message.

Huh? A pamphlet for the live exhibit of the native fauna and flora in Eurys?
And with a paid admission, courtesy of the Academy. Greco's way of saying: Congratulations, Kid.

He'd get mad at me if I didn't go. Besides, it would be useful to know more of the animals' behavior if we were to compete for food with them. I extracted the certificate and got ready for going out.
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2006 10:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for sharing your vision and story with us, Syrius. Like much science-fiction it seems to take place in the future, although there is no recognizable time reference. There were a few touches I really liked. The place where the character is living, Eurys, is described as a spheroid. I like that. It gives the impression that the place is less than a planet, or at least less sizable. The story's mood, which is set by the main character because it is in his voice that we hear the story, makes me want to keep reading. I want to know if he's right. This reads like a piece of a much larger picture. Have you outlined where you want the story to go? A basic skeleton, or better -- a fully fleshed-out plotline, can be a real help. Even if you have nothing more than knowing where you want to start (this story) and exactly where you want to end can help greatly.

And as you already noted, you should re-read your story for grammar. I could point out a few things (which is bad, because I'm not good with grammar myself.)

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2006 3:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i like it. i' not at all good with correcting anything so i'll leave that to those people who do know about it. i'll just say i like the way it goes, like where it points to and the way it was presented. if you have more chapters i'll gladly read them.
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2006 9:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks to you two. Yes, it is a piece of a larger picture. I like to throw curveballs, and then take you in a different direction. Very Happy Please, feel free to correct me about the grammar, as I usually am not aware of them errors. Malcolm calls the place a spheroid out of despise, but it's a planet allright. Yes, the story has a skeleton, but I'm stuck at the sternum, starting from the feet. Razz

Will post two or more three chapters later tonight. Please give me as much feedback as possible, you all who are reading.
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 14, 2006 10:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

will do. i'm an early sleeper so 'ill probably be asleep in about 10 minutes but i'll be sure to read what you post tomorow morning. you know what they say sleep early wake early.
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 1:52 am    Post subject: Shadows in the Snow, Chapter 2. Reply with quote

Chapter 2.

Lots of Colors and vibrating music greeted me as I entered this recreational sector of the city; which didn't seem to be so crowded due to the relatively early hour. Couples holding hands, looking into each other's eyes and smiling happily could be seen at a moment, and later, families with loud-laughing children were enjoying themselves, all of them impervious to any worries at least for that day.

Somebody told me once that watching the innocent play of children was good for the soul; this could be seen in the eyes of many old persons, who were delighted with the sight of boys and girls playing tag and many other games. Some were comparing their sophisticated toys with their friends and preparing to have a match between two small robo-gladiators, eager to show their programming skills. Everyone was having a very good time. I even discovered myself smiling when I saw my reflection on a green mirror outside of a store; children and teenagers roamed around, their conversations held without a care in the world.

-I want to go trade my chips!-

-We are not late! Yes! Come, let's get a space and see which of the girls gets selected as winner of the night!-

-... seemed like such a long week... -
-But we now have the rest of the day all for ourselves, don't we?-

I understood then why Greco wanted me to go there: I had been under a lot of stress lately and he was starting to worry about me. I still didn't believe things would be different in the future, but a change of attitude would be good after working so hard. Besides, we better enjoyed what we had, while we could.

A tempting scent coming from the nearby establishments made me decide to enter and order something, as lunchtime was getting closer. The place wasn't so crowded and looked very neat, with tables made of authentic black marble. And a girl at the reception. (Critics used to frown and give bad reviews to anything synthetic.)

-Hello, sir. Welcome to Squares. Will you be expecting company?-

-No.- I answered while chuckling.- Table for one this time.-

-All right. Please follow me.-

A nice and relaxing atmosphere, excellent food and a clear view to the street below marked the following forty minutes; looking to the passing people, I recalled it had been a long, long time since I had enjoyed myself this much.

-Sir... pardon me, sir... -

A girl with messed up hair, and working clothes which had belonged to someone taller before being discarded was calling at me from the side of the table, acting shy and unconfident.

-I'm sorry to disturb you... I, I need help... I have no money and I'm so hungry. Please, could you... -

I looked at her in silence, only blinking once... she seemed so desperate, similar to... back then...
No. I closed my eyes briefly; there was no use thinking of that. I reached for some of the credits in my pocket and gave her 10 of them. I knew how it felt...

-Please try to get a job, it's hard to survive like this. I'm sure you'll get one if you look.-

She took the small colored bills in surprise, never expecting to get that amount from anybody.
She nodded with a grateful smile, and bowed her head before leaving. -Yes... I promise I will. Thanks, thank you, Sir.-

Many customers appeared to be relieved when they saw the girl leaving so quickly; she would not bother them now that she was gone. They didn't know...

The meal finished and the bill paid, I directed my steps to the Central Dome, ready to enter the exhibit that was the pride and joy of the Academy's Natural Sciences Department. I was about to discover many things I never thought existed.


Last edited by Syrius on Thu Oct 19, 2006 12:59 am; edited 3 times in total
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 1:57 am    Post subject: Shadows in the Snow, Chapter 3. Reply with quote

No one would have guessed the colorful blue-green moss behind the glass was capable of surviving the extreme cold characteristic of the Eurysian plains; yet it couldn't propagate itself the way it did inside this artificial habitat in which it was being displayed.

-It has been speculated this species was meant to exist in another type of environment, although it can resist the low temperatures of our planet. So amazing is its ability to adapt. Similar cases have been found on animals as well.-

The colors were something I had only seen on the semi-precious stones found some times with the veins of CIV mineral, or in certain types of fire produced with chemicals. It was a truly impressive display of nature's secrets.

The same pattern seemed to repeat itself on many other specimens, as the guide had explained before. Fungi, bushes, small trees, crustaceans and rodents benefited from being in a warmer environment, though the scientists had taken care to make it match most of the conditions of the wild.

Of course, we all had thought the animals we had used for so long for food and clothing had displayed this improvement as a result of domestication and care, but now this study had proven that, with a only an increase in temperature all of them had stronger offspring and became more resistant to diseases and toxic agents. Only humans were the only beings lacking that adaptability, but we had made up for it with our intelligence and science and technology.


As I moved to the next area I started to wonder if maybe the knowledge we had of Eurys was missing something important that could explain the Grayson effect, as it had been called after the head researcher in the Natural Sciences project.

-These crystal walls allow us to see the animals inside, but they cannot see through them. Until further notice, do not worry about startling them or establishing eye contact.-

Titanic beasts with magnificent white coats and humps on their backs grazed peacefully or tended to their little calves. The two horns that projected from the sides of their heads, bending ninety degrees downwards and one more time to the front seemed like two formidable weapons to fend off any aggressor, but we all knew Taks were mellow if trained with care and attention, and very few incidents had been recorded since the barbaric times when we had started to tame them. These also looked healthier and even their coat color was richer than that of those found in the wild.

And now this was a spectacular sight!

A circular habitat full of trees all lush and bright and colorful was on the center of the dome, with flowers and fruits that could easily put to shame the premium quality products grown in the bio-farms of the city; insects that appeared to have been made out of pure tinted crystals, humming and chasing each other; sometimes the prey would elude the predator while some other times no such lucky event ocurred. Birds displayed their feathers showing their beauty, as if competing with each other and at the same time feeling proud and envious of their neighbor's bright dress. The humidity could almost be felt through the glass, the sounds truly fascinated all of us who were standing there, admiring such marvel of this place we imagined to be barren and hostile. Incredible, simply incredible.

It had been some time until the guide, smiling with satisfaction, broke our silence to tell us about the dimensions and energy requirements of the habitat; these last being surprisingly minimal, as everything almost took care of itself. Almost self-sustaineable, I thought.

Questions were being made and answered, and I took that time to separate from the group and head toward the north portion of The Dome, where the predator species were being shown to the public.


Last edited by Syrius on Thu Oct 19, 2006 1:03 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 2:00 am    Post subject: Shadows in the Snow, Chapter 3. Reply with quote

Whoops. Double post. Sorry. Edited now.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 5:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

nice... i'll be checking for updates
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 9:55 pm    Post subject: Shadows in the Snow, Chapter Four. Reply with quote

Chapter Four.

Colder, quieter, and bigger. Very few visitors. And bigger habitats without the crystals. The predators were being shown behind steel bars, and between the bars and the people a small wall no taller than one meter had been placed to keep observers a safe distance away. A sign offered a warning but I already knew what it said: no direct eye contact was to be made with the specimens here. Unfortunately, many of them were sleeping, since they were nocturnal animals. The sabercats rested peacefully all huddled together; their meal must have been substantious and obviously easier to obtain than in the wild.

This was starting to get boring, as no noticeable things could be seen like in the other two exhibit areas. I sat down on a bench to rest my feet, and noticed my pocket terminal was still on. Just for the fun of it, I reread the last entry.

>Stratum mixed with organic material of unknown origin. A little hard to drill through.
>Greco insists... his energy is contagious, but I want to go home: it's getting late and some animal may attack us.
>I started to probe everywhere to prove him we are wasting our time, but it seems we hit something.
>Thanks to little interference, probe reveals various useful metals in native form within deposit.
>Holy! This is very pure, and we still don't know how deep this thing is! This is so...

A bark suddenly caught my attention. -Uh?-

That sound had been emitted previoulsy many times while I was reading, but I had not paid attention since I was concentrated on my notes. Two more soft barks preceded a human voice.

-I say the same, I'm glad to see you!-

Some loud panting and a whine ensued.

-Yes, yes. I know. Here you go!-

Had somebody brought a dog to that place? Even service animals were not allowed there since they could disturb the results of the experiment. The specimens barely tolerated the presence of people. Only the most gentle were in this open habitats, and they had gotten accustomed to us through careful work. I went to see what was all that noise about.

One of the keepers of the exhibit was carrying a container she had just closed; this woman was mature but her voice was full of life and cheer. She greeted me with a smile.

-Hi there, fella. Can I help you?-

-Uh. I heard some barks around here and that got my attention. Do you have a dog around here or something?-

-A dog!? Oh my goodness... a dog!? Here!? Oh, no. No. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...-

That laughter was starting to bother me. -What's so funny?-

-See for yourself. Not many know the residents of this habitat.- She pointed to her side.

Wolves.

A whole pack of wolves to be precise. Some were playing, while others rested and watched the chase going on. And the female leader affectively licked her mate's forehead. All of that reminded me of something, but I could not recall... A symphony of yelps, howl-barks and yips completed the scene.

Wolves were not unknown to me as I had seen them far away in the distance while probing the fields during work; but seeing them this close was a totally different experience. Not much was known previously about them as they were so elusive.

-Many think of them as vicious killers and voracious beasts,- the caretaker was talking to me now, after seeing I hadn't taken my eyes off them for a while. -but the truth is they are so caring and loving with each other most of the time. And you may not believe this, young fella, but there has never been a recorded incident of a healthy wolf attacking a man. All of the stories told by the prospectors and field analysts are nothing but lies.-

-I have seen them outside too. But they never get close. Are they afraid of people or something?-

-If they do, they sure have reason. We make weird noises with our machines and dig big holes in the land. And create a lot of trash.- She looked at me for a quick moment and then turned to the pack again.- I think they're pretty animals. What's your take?-

In that time, I had centered my attention on one of the medium-sized wolves: a young one which was sitting on the ground, away from the others. This one had the ears folded a bit backwards and the eyes closed, and the attitude was one of reverence, although no senior packmate was close by.

-I think they are interesting. And to be more specific, I'll say the black one sure is beautiful. However...-

-You wonder what she's doing, right? Well, I don't know exactly myself, but she always does that before eating her food. She is the one you heard barking before. She is so gentle and friendly I have been tempted to go inside and pet her. Can you believe she sits and "listens" to me when I talk to her?-

-Maybe she sees you as her source of food, since you bring it here. But that behavior is rare even on domestic animals. A wild wolf doing that is remarkable. But why is she eating after the others did? Does she have the lowest rank?-

The woman laughed softly: -No. She always eats separately from the others. I always give her her food personally. Maybe I'm spoiling her, but she requested it by bowing her head before sitting down and then looked at me as if saying "please?". I couldn't resist when she gave a soft whine... she was actually asking for her daily ration! So I gave her some of the best cuts as a reward.-

-That could get you into trouble. But I won't tell anyone. I would have given in as well.-

-Thank you. She's just so sweet.-

By this time, the black female was done with her treat and was cleaning herself, over here, over there... she was making sure she looked neat and clean. How unusual. We both kept on looking without saying a thing for a while.

-Does she always do that too?-

-Yes. Always.-

>Attention all visitors: The Exhibit will be closing in 30 minutes. The Academy thanks you for your attendance. Please make sure you check our souvenir stand on your way out. All profits benefit this and other research projects. Thanks again and have a safe trip home.

The caretaker looked at her schedule and extended her hand:

-I have to go. I'm pleased to meet you, sir. My name is Martell.-

-I'm Malcolm. It's been a pleasure.- I shook her hand. -I'll get going too.-

-Hope you enjoyed your visit.-

-I did. I'll see you soon. By the way, what's the black wolf's name?-

-"Elly".-

-Elly. Good name. I'll remember that.-


Last edited by Syrius on Thu Oct 05, 2006 12:05 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 11:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

still here still reading and y last comments still stand
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 2:07 pm    Post subject: Re: Shadows in the Snow, Chapter 2. Reply with quote

Syrius wrote:
Chapter 2.


Here are thoughts about Chapter 2. I like where this story seems to be going. I think the character is likeable and overall, this part made me want to continue on in reading. This part seems to build suspense for the reader and to raise the stakes by introducing us to the lives of those who don't know of the impending crash. The conflict in this chapter seems to be internal, which is fine by me at this stage of the story.

Quote:
( I even surprised myself smiling when I saw my reflection on a green mirror outside of a store)

This phrase seems awkwardly worded. Perhaps: 'I was surprised when I saw myself smiling in the reflection of a green mirror outside of a store.' (Also, giving the store a name would be a nice touch.)


Quote:
-I want to go trade my chips!-
What does this punctuation mean? If it's just people talking, quotes might serve you better. I loved the '>' for the computer messages, but I strongly reccomend keeping quotes for speech.

Quote:
Besides, we better enjoyed this while we had it.

This just doesn't seem to work. It makes it look like they are finished enjoying it because they no longer have it. Perhaps: 'Besides, we'd better enjoy this while we have it.' Or even better: 'Besides, better that we enjoy it while we still have it.'


Quote:
Not so crowded and very neat, with tables made of authentic black marble. And a girl at the reception.(Anything synthetic would have been a bad note on a critic's review)

Two sentence fragments. What was not so crowded? The first sentence doesn't say. What about the girl at the reception? (Plus, I don't quite get the comment about synthetic. I thought it was synthetic food at first, but now I wonder if you meant a synthetic restaurant host.)

Quote:
she seemed so desperate, similar to... when it was...

I don't think I've heard it phrased that way before. I normally hear: 'when was it...'


Quote:
No, I closed my eyes briefly, no use thinking of that. I reached for some of the credits in my pocket and gave her 10 of them. I knew how it felt...

As a final thought, I would like to say that I really like the first person narative tale you are telling. However, there are a few places, like this one, where I think that single quotes (' ') or italics would really set off when the character is thinking specific words to himself. Something like this: No, I closed my eyes briefly, No use thinking of that. But that's just my preference and you may have very different, and perfectly valid, tastes. Smile

All in all it's very nice. I'll read the next chapter when I have time.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 7:51 pm    Post subject: Re: Shadows in the Snow, Chapter 2. Reply with quote

Nadan wrote:
Syrius wrote:
Chapter 2.


Here are thoughts about Chapter 2. I like where this story seems to be going. I think the character is likeable and overall, this part made me want to continue on in reading. This part seems to build suspense for the reader and to raise the stakes by introducing us to the lives of those who don't know of the impending crash. The conflict in this chapter seems to be internal, which is fine by me at this stage of the story.

Quote:
( I even surprised myself smiling when I saw my reflection on a green mirror outside of a store)

This phrase seems awkwardly worded. Perhaps: 'I was surprised when I saw myself smiling in the reflection of a green mirror outside of a store.' (Also, giving the store a name would be a nice touch.)


Quote:
-I want to go trade my chips!-
What does this punctuation mean? If it's just people talking, quotes might serve you better. I loved the '>' for the computer messages, but I strongly reccomend keeping quotes for speech.

Quote:
Besides, we better enjoyed this while we had it.

This just doesn't seem to work. It makes it look like they are finished enjoying it because they no longer have it. Perhaps: 'Besides, we'd better enjoy this while we have it.' Or even better: 'Besides, better that we enjoy it while we still have it.'


Quote:
Not so crowded and very neat, with tables made of authentic black marble. And a girl at the reception.(Anything synthetic would have been a bad note on a critic's review)

Two sentence fragments. What was not so crowded? The first sentence doesn't say. What about the girl at the reception? (Plus, I don't quite get the comment about synthetic. I thought it was synthetic food at first, but now I wonder if you meant a synthetic restaurant host.)

Quote:
she seemed so desperate, similar to... when it was...

I don't think I've heard it phrased that way before. I normally hear: 'when was it...'


Quote:
No, I closed my eyes briefly, no use thinking of that. I reached for some of the credits in my pocket and gave her 10 of them. I knew how it felt...

As a final thought, I would like to say that I really like the first person narative tale you are telling. However, there are a few places, like this one, where I think that single quotes (' ') or italics would really set off when the character is thinking specific words to himself. Something like this: No, I closed my eyes briefly, No use thinking of that. But that's just my preference and you may have very different, and perfectly valid, tastes. Smile

All in all it's very nice. I'll read the next chapter when I have time.


Ok. I'll edit it if it doesn't stand.. so here come the explanations...

I'll change "I even surprised myself.." to "I even discovered myself.."

"- I want to go trade my chips!-" Those random sentences are what Malcolm is hearing while he wanders the area. Perhaps I should point it out. Thanks.

"Besides, we better enjoyed this while we had it." Though it's in first person, Malcolm is talking in past tense. What I meant to say was more akin to "I was thinking back then that we should enjoy it all while we still had it/while we still could." Will edit it later tonight.

Uh, I thought it was clear he had referred to "one of the nearby establishments." Can correct it too, no biggie. "Anything synthetic" refers to well, anything. Host, food, or marble. Notice how he refers to genuine black marble.

"she seemed so desperate, similar to... when it was... " Perhaps I should change this to "back then when it was so hard to... No. I closed my eyes briefly." (He's interrupting himself.) I already have used the italics, so expect to see them in a revised version of that paragraph. Wink

Thanks a lot for the comments, even though my reply might have sounded a bit defensive, it was for the purpose of explaining. Hope you like the revised version. Your comments are very appreciated, as you can see from your angle stuff that I can't detect, and can therefore polish and make it more comprehensible. [Naruto]Believe it![/Naruto] Very Happy
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 20, 2006 10:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Intereting concept here. It seems that there are a good number of things happening at any given time, just as there is in the real world. I point this out because I've noticed an increasing tendency of authors to get 'tunnel-vision,' so to speak, and show only things that have anything to do with the plotline. I am no exception, and have caught myself doing this nemerous times.

All in all, this is a pretty well though out work, up to the moment. I will be waiting for updates.

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