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A Rant of Love, Sex, Trust, Friends, and Relationships.

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Joined: 18 Jun 2002
Posts: 2601
Location: NYC NY

PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2006 2:25 pm    Post subject: A Rant of Love, Sex, Trust, Friends, and Relationships. Reply with quote

Perhaps I'm a bit too old fashion in the way I live my life, with certain absolutes defining what and how things should be. Big deal that I'm a strict heterosexual.

First of all, I have two kinds of friends:
One kind I can trust and deal with as needed, pertain by the guidelines of all friendships- a minimum set of standards of trust, patience and respect, one which I denote as 'friends'- with a lower case 'f'. This just simply says that almost anyone fits into this category.

The other, I need to trust with my life, make decisions for me when need be when I can not, protect me, love me and most of all- respect me as I do with them. Its a 100% give and take relationship, where nothing is held back by lines and limits. This is where I would kill or die for that person, but make sure that this would be a last resort if it needs to be taken. Its a relationship denoted with a captiol 'F'.

I would like to pride myself that I have had in my time, many in the latter category. But, it is the most painful of the two. Friends move on, get married and some even die with the passage of time. None can be replaced.

For the most part, with Friends, we can share bodies and bodily fluids, and even perhaps an organ or two. But to share bodies and fluids alike, adds to the relationship. I've had had those oppertunities with many in both categories, espcially with 'F'riends, but for me it is not going to happen if it is not right.

I hate myself for not being truly faithful to my lovers when I was supposed to be, though I tried my best. Unfortunately, I am easily tempted, and because of the teachings of the latino males inmy young life- 'men can love more than one woman at the same time, but not together as a group.' In that regard, I am polluted. Least to say- my father (a man I only had the pleasure of meeting less times than I have fingers on my hand), was not a proper role mole for me; with 11 mistresses, I have something like 15 sisters that I have never met- except for a couple over the years. Least to say- while I was being born, my father was screwing the maternity nurse that was supposed to take care of my mother while she was in labour... If this trait runs in my genes, then I am in deep trouble.

But to take 'F'riends to the next level of sex, for me there must be love, trust, and other factors involved. One can argue that one can have have sex without love, sex with love and love without sex. I think in having 'F'riends means the last of the three; but for me, in having sex- there must be love.

In the past, I have had relationships where it was purely phyisical; sex without the emotional commitment. But it was not to last because after a while, Emotions would soon worm their way into the relationship, and one would have to treat it like any other relationship. It was a hard lesson to learn, sex for the convince of just having it is not enough. There are responsibilities to deal with when one is in this role- and the most part, one of them is not to ever hurt the other because if it is to continue as the status quo, one has to trust the other to the point where they can be that close with one another. Its little more than allowed sex with love denied.

I can happily say that (with the exception of one- the ex-from-hell), I have had a fulfilling relationship with my lovers. If we continue, its because we are comfortable with each other at that point with one another. If we lower what we allow ourselves to do, its not because we no longer love each other in that regaurd, but because life has given us a spearate set of directions from which to live by with an option of restarting what we once had when the time is right again. 'Making Love without penetration', as my ex-from-heaven would often say to me.

I was lucky to be married once to one of the most wonderful people on Earth, though how shortlived that would be. During the shprt 6 months we had together, we lived, cried, held, and love each other; even though our respected families hated each other and we had to live this life in secret for the time being. We hoped that by first anniversary, we would be able to put both families in check and put an end to the fighting. Alas, that was never meant to be, for she was missing and found dead just shortly after we completed our 6th month together.

Why is it when something happens to somebody, law enforcement agents immediately go for the one person close to them? With my wife- I was prime suspect #1 for the weeks of her disappearence and subsequent finding. With other friends who I have helped out- I was made suspect of wrong doing, even though there was nothing wrong about what happened. Is trying to help somebody you love wrong?

This week, has been an interesting one. I celebrate my 23rd wedding aniversary if she would have lived on Aug 15th. Once again, the letters and cards came in, taunting me of what I had- a cruel mind game meant to spin me into a deep lasting depression and keep me in a drak little hole from which I can not crawl out of. But in the least- I have 'F'riends to help me get out of it. Aug 15th, is also the funeral aniversary of a friend, one who hated that I was married to my wife, for she was more like my sister to me- 16 years since that car accident and painful hospital stay until she went to a better place. Like years before, we gather to remember her, I them both. But it is also a time for a little detective work as well.

For over the past 2 years, I have been trying to aquaint myself with somebody who should not exist, it if were not for the deeds of friends and one certain ex-from-hell. I speak of my daughter: Very_Itchy_Fur, as you know her here. She's grown up a lot like her father- me; without my guidance or intervention. And know that we are trying to get to know each other, there are some who wish we wouldn't- again, friends and her mother, my ex-from-hell.

It turns out that this year's batch came from the ex-from-hell, like some have from the past during my hard months of living. Its like these idiots take turns every year to see who can make Elfen crash and burn. Its even worse when you think about what became of the Shortfellows... Most of us have inadvertantly became special ops, secret agents, and information spies for what ever agencies what of our skills. Hell, combined, we can turn this government on its ass if we want- but we dont and its better that we play with each other's minds than to over throw small island/nation governments.

If it were not for my 'F'riends that I have assoicated myself with- I would have offed myself a long time ago. But I must say that I'm sorry for the hell that I have put them through. Its not easy being me.

But if anyone of them has any misconceptions that I am only after them for one thing or another, I have to say not to worry. In order for me to have one, I must have its compliement; in this case- sex with love and trust and understanding and respect, which all must be in total or nothing is going to happen. If I just wanted only sex- I can say that I can get it from almost anyone- for everyone has a price, especially where I live. But that is not me, and I do not need to buy something that I can get for free from the right person that I so care about, and have it complete.

Perhaps I'm selfish that way. Or old fashion. But thats me.

SHARKS In The Gene Pool South of Kosovo!
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