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"The Galaxy Hero" Chapter 1 a longing for home.

 
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GriffinX
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Joined: 18 Jun 2007
Posts: 785
Location: SLC Utah

PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 1:54 am    Post subject: "The Galaxy Hero" Chapter 1 a longing for home. Reply with quote

The Galaxy Hero
By
Chris “Griffin” Dumas

© 2007 the author any and all characters are fictional and are property of their creator any resemblance to any one living is purely coincidental. Please do not use any character with out permistion from the auther.

Change: the dictionary defines it as: the act, process, or result of altering or modifying.

“Life is 10%what happens to you 90%how you react to it”


Chapter 1
A longing for home
___________________

“GOD DAMN IT, HE DID IT AGAIN” yelled a well dressed red fox his fists clenched in anger.
Startling every customer in the east side Chicago Walgreens. Slowly, dejectedly he raised his right arm to just in front of his red furred mussel and spoke almost silently. “Echo to alpha I lost him, have omega check perimeter copy?”

Just then a tall somewhat young shaved bald human, the manager, walked up behind the fox, drawn by the commotion. “Um sir is there a problem?”

“No sir, there’s no problem.” The last part said with a hint of distain.

“Well clearly there is so I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” replies the manager.
“You know what?” suddenly seeing the security camera dome “I think I will have to ask you to let me see your security tapes.” as A smile slowly spreading across his face. <I think I got you this time Chris >

“And just what pray tell would give me any reason to let you see those?” the manager gave him a stern look and becoming just a little more aggravated that the fox wasn’t just leaving quietly and then having the audacity to request that.

“This is all the reason you or I need” fishing in to his vest pocket he produced an old more than slightly used wallet.
Visually stunned the manager almost couldn’t believe his eyes as he stared at the intricate peace of shiny metal that lay attached to the wallet. A picture of a howling wolf on top of the white house embossed on to the shimmering gold plated badge with the numbers ‘273’ in black lettering, stud out like a sore thumb but gave it the overall ‘air of superiority’ look. Next to the badge was a picture of the fox on white paper with the letters F.B.I.E. (Federal Burrow of Investigations of Elements) in big bold blue print.

“I’m sorry s-sir.” the manager stammered “I did not know you where a Tygon” *note a Tygon pronounced ‘tie-gone’is just a nickname kind of like ‘feds or 5-0’ named so, after the first F.B.I.E. agent Tygon Jacobson who to his credit did his job and did it well.* The managers 6’7”stater shaking never before had he even seen, let alone met a Tygon, to the manager it was like looking an executioner right in the eye before the axe fell.

The 5’5” red fox staring at the manager with unwavering confidence. Then in a softer but yet still just as strong a voice as before “That’s ok sir…”not seeing a name tag he continued “My name is Simone Hatch of the F.B.I.E. I am here on official business. Now about those tapes?”
“Y-Yes sir.” the manager’s nerves began to degrade. He quickly did an about face and almost fled into the back office, the fox close on his heels. Just thru the office door Simon stopped as a crackle of his ear peace suddenly came to life.
“Yes go ahead.” was Simon’s response in to his right sleeve. The audible crack once again this time with the hushed voices saying something that no one but Simon could hear.
“understood.” said Simon. This time a beep and a new voice. “Affirmative, checking surveillance now. Echo out.”

Once the manager had set up the tapes to replay from any point in the last hour he noticed the fox wasn’t with him, so he started back to the fox. He leaned his head around the door frame of the inner office to see what Simon was up to; only catching the tail end of both the fox and the conversation “echo out” was all he heard before he got a face full of tail literally. Trying to recover the situation he blurted out “Did-did you say some thing?”

Turning Simon gave the man a look that said ‘I’m just a little peeved and I know damn well you where listing, I‘m a pro and you’re a manager of a Walgreens, Don’t mess with me kid.’ the kind of look that would send Hannibal limping away. “No, I didn’t say a thing, are those tapes ready?” his every word betraying his anger.

Simone was having a bad day. He thought today would be the day. After a good tip-off that his target was in the area he deployed his team, not all just himself and his two backup’s, Alpha and Omega. “Alpha” or Dave Little was an excellent surveillance expert he knew the inn’s and out’s of almost every system on the market and a lot off the market, he even designed the system for head quarters and the E.-U.N. building in New York and no one, save himself could brake into either building. “Omega” or Jason Black was the epitome of covert-ops. This fur, a raccoon to be exact could get into the white house with a nuclear sub and get back out with out leaving so much as a foot print or blade of grass bent.

Today went badly he found his target one Chris Cali *as in short for California * Headed out to do his shopping for the day. The team deployed, this time covering every way out either by man or camera they could think of. This wasn’t their first attempt at getting a hold of this particular target. Who to his credit has given Simon no end of trouble in eluding and thus foiling every attempt to capture him by either not walking in to Simons trap’s or by completely disappearing around the next corner which drove Simon to the point of almost pulling out some of his head fur.
Simon truly thought he had Chris this time, and the news that Chris’s car had vanished from the parking lot, and that the surveillance vans tires had been slashed brought Simon down a few notches in his pride. But the surveillance tapes held some promise.

Boy did they ever, he and the manager stood slack-jawed. Being able to see every tooth in either of their mouths was not an overstatement. For all intensive purposes the tapes showed that Chris was a ghost. The manager rewound the tape not believing what he was seeing. To the untrained eye of the manager it looked as if this red haired man was just walking up the isle. To the manager it seemed this man wasn’t hard to miss in a crowd. 6’2”, bright Irish red hair, a good medium build his upper body built a little bit better than the lower half but nothing like a bodybuilder, no tan to speak of <Ha! Luck of the Irish, red hair and skin that burnt instead of tanned> thought the manager.
<though he doesn’t look like the bad type. In fact he looks like the kind of guy that would fall a grenade for some one he didn’t even know.> But to Simon’s trained eye of years both with the Tygon’s and chasing Chris, he knew that this wasn’t any ordinary man, sure he looked harmless but he knew better and by what he saw on the tape confirmed that in a big way.
Watching the tape again, as Chris walked up the isle, Simon close behind him, Chris reached out and grabbed a can of soup and looked at the content then side stepped to see the other selection, Simon slowly edging his way up to him. Chris sat the can in his basket and rounded the corner of the isle only to completely disappear, basket and all as if he just dissolved in to the air.
Then with a flicker of something on another screen Simon watched intently, the front door camera, just as Chris diapered on one screen the basket and all its content appeared in front of the doors. <at lest he not a thief.> the small though grassed Simon’s mind for a very brief moment. He looked at the manager, and as if seeing what the manager was thinking he said “Don’t be fooled by his soft looks and demeanor sir.” What you had in you’re store was a very dangers man.” the manager just starred at the screens then stammered. “How dangers?”
Simon waited a sec before he replied “that’s classified sir. But here’s my card if he comes back, which I dought, please call me. Do not try to approach him that may be the last thing you ever do.” then he got up and walked out the office door<that’ll give him something to think about.>







____________________________________________________

“Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.” <that was close, to close either he’s getting better or I’m getting sloppy I only knew it was Simon by that stupid ear peace and the scare on his left ear that makes him look like he has three where only one should be.> Chris winced at the thought because it was him that gave Simon that nasty scare 5 years ago and he hated him self for it.

The only reason he has it is because Simon backed Chris in to a corner, and this was before he learned about his time shifting abilities, his time shift ability allows him to stop time in his galaxy, but it takes so much of his energy to use it if he holds it for any longer than 15 minuets he runes the risk of fainting which in stopped time is not a good thing. That is among the weaker, at least in his opinion, of his powers. Chris is an Elemental.

Among the 6 different types of elementals that live on his planet, they aren’t extremely rare but they few and far between, the higher level ones are one the ‘council of Elements’, an elemental can range from a level one to a level ten and that’s the new scale, about 50 years ago an elemental broke the old scale of 1 to 7. He became the first recorded level 10 pyro “fire type” and he effectively tried to take over the world. *ok think Hitler only with a meaner disposion and when mad could bar-b-q you.*

“The Dictator” as he was known, no one can remember his real name, was only just barely taken out of power by the other 5 top remaining elementals on the counsel back then those elementals where the hero’s of there day, each a different element, while “The Dictator” was a pyro there was also Tellma Bellon the Aqua “water” seat, Grad Halon the Terra “earth” seat *note terra’s are the best miners ever if a mine is in the black and doing better than most there‘s a good chance they have more than a few Terra‘s*, James Pocash the Bellows “wind” seat, Jaytha Mondragon the Electro’s “electricity” seat, and Elisabeth Tagert the Shiv “ice” seat.

“Well it looks like it’s time to get out of doge, I have to give it to Simon this was faster than usual, I must really stand out in Chicago.” Chris said to himself, thinking over his options
<lets see there’s New York, maybe Miami oooh I like Miami this time of year naa been there done that. I could go to Grenache naa to far and Simon would still come after me in England.> “humm.” <I could try Seattle or Las Vegas or I could try a po-dunk little town like Grant Nebraska or Price Utah.> suddenly his eyes flickered a longing for home as he drove back to his apartment to grab his stuff and leave.
< Gods Salt Lake City I haven’t been home to see the folks or Scott *Chris’s childhood friend* in a long time, about 4 years now that I think about it, it’s been to long, I guess that settles it I’m homeward bound.>

He finshed his thought just as he pulled in to his parking garage. He pulled in to a stall. He stepped out of his 1965 Marlboro red, v-8, Ford Mustang. He loved that car; it took him 3 years to restore after he got it for his 16’Th birthday. When he had gotten it was nothing more than rust with gas, but now…. Now It was a collector’s peace for sure. He turned and walked up to his apartment not bothering to shut the door, he wasn’t going to be long.

For the past five months Chris had been living in a nice little place nothing he would call a home but it worked. One bed one bath, a kitchen (if you could call it that) connected to the main room it did well for what he knew was coming just like all 7 times before.

He ran up the flight of stairs to his door, after he fumbled with his keys a little he opened his door. After grabbing the suitcase that he always had packed, he headed to his room’s closet directly to his weapon safe to pull every gun he has from his sword, a short strait blade katana, to all 5 of his hand guns from his 380 auto to his 40 cal. Baby Eagle and his 9 mm and 45 cal. Glock’s, to his dad’s Ruger Super Black Hawk
44. magnum that gun could blow a hole the size of a grapefruit through a phone book, to The Bull revolver 50cal. That weapon just flat out hurt Chris just liked that gun for the fun of having it.

Having packed all his hand guns in there cases and locked tight in the trunk of his car he returned to the gun safe he pulled out an extra long rifle case then reached in the safe and proceeded to carefully remove his pride in his gun collection a gun metal gray with a chrome receiver and black 150X optics scope. The Wind Runner model 96 tactical take down .50cal B.M.G.
* Now you may be asking your self if he’s an Elemental with the powers of fire, time, and more. Why on god’s green earth dose he have an arsenal like that? Well put simply he believes himself a good person and he believed that he should use his power in moderation. To use his powers for every little thing would be a gross miss use. And that if he ever stooped that low to use his powers for every mundane thing would corrupt him and with the stigma that came with being a Pyro he didn’t want any one to think he was evil.*

After he retuned from depositing the rifle and suitcase in his car he stepped back through the door way to see if he left any thing that he didn’t intend to leave just as he was about to turn and leave “See ya never again.” to no one in particular he shut and locked the door and he was off, out of Chicago and on his favorite road Route 66 just like the song “from Chicago to L.A.” but he wasn’t going to L.A. he was headed to Salt Lake City he was headed home.

____________________________________________________


Sitting in a flattened van Simon was contemplating what he held in his paw wile waiting for the other two of his team to get their snacks from the Walgreen’s that earlier they had under surveillance. The object in his hand confirmed his suspicions that this was no low level pyro, this was a level 9 or 10, he held the tape that he slight-of -hand away from the manager like it was to be holy grail and highest crowning achievement in his career and his revenge for his humiliation at Chris’s hands not only for his ear but for all the failed attempts’ to catch him. He also touch the tape for two reasons one he needed proof of what he was dealing with to get permition form headquarters and two to stop the manager from releaseing the information to the local media, he did not want not only the F.B.I.E. to look bad because he wasn’t able to catch Chris and just because the manager didn’t realize what was in his store didn’t mean some one else wouldn’t figure it out and start a panic that there was a high level pyro on the loose.

That’s when the two others decided to join him in the van, even though they knew Simon was going to be more than a little peeved at losing there target yet again. Simon realized this so he lessoned his emotional state to some thing more neutral plus he now knew why they had been so unsuccessful up in tell now.

As they entered the van Dave saw the tape in Simon’s hand “what’s up Simon, get anything?” Dave asked.

“Why Dave you’re curiosity is showing.” said Jason as he chuckled and elbowed Dave causing him to drop a Twinkie “Damn you Jayce, what a waste of a good Twinkie and my last one!”

“Alright boys” Simon began as they shut the doors behind them. “I got good news and I got bad news.” the statement left hanging in the air.

“Ok I’ll bite, bad news?” said Dave

“Ok I got visual proof and confirmation on our target, as to his status and how we proceed, on levels I believe we have a ‘Dictator class’ pyro on our hands.” both of them stared slack jawed at Simon for his statement. Of course ‘Dictator Class’ wasn’t the correct term but it drove home the seriousness of the situation.

“Dose headquarters know?” asked Jason

“They do now.” smiled Simon as he handed the tape to Dave. Dave took the tape, looking it over he placed it in the player, he rewound in tell Simon told him to stop. Taking this lull in the conversation Jason asked “So what are our orders?”

“We are to track down the target and capture for trial otherwise if he shows any sign of a fight or extreme resistance we are to neutralize said target.” both Jason and Dave winced at the smile that spread across Simon’s face as he said the last few words.

Wile Simon was distracted with the tape, Dave leaned over to Jason “I guess he’s still not over the incident” In a very sallow whisper. Jason just gave a nod in agreement.

Then Jason realized <we only got the bad news> he turned to Simon “ok so what’s the good news?”

Simon turned “that was more of a joke, if I was asked for the good news first I would have said we’re all still alive.”

Dave still glued to the screen in front of him almost stammered “If what you say and what I see here is correct it was no joke.” Dave was much shaken from what he saw.

____________________________________________________

For the raccoon, nothing seemed to fit, watching the tape confirmed it a little more. Jason always thought that there was some thing different about Chris. Maybe it was because over the 5 years and probably 10 attempts to catch him, he only fought back once when they cornered him the first time even then it was a small distraction and not really a fight, but that distraction became a vendetta for Simon and they have never been able to corner him afterwards.

This flight no fight reaction from a pyro was unprecedented, every pyro he had ever come across, it was always fight, they took pride that they were going down fighting, thought Jason thought that was just societies image being played for the people. It was sad too. Because in all his experiences with high level pyro’s they almost always took someone down with them.

* note high level refers to any elemental above level 3. Level 1 thru 3 pyro’s where left to lead their lives because they where considered harmless the high laws set by the e-U.N. for all nations stated that any high level pyro (more out of fear than any thing else) where to be tried in a court and then found guilty (no pyro is ever found innocent) would face the death penalty (again more out of fear of what the could do than anything else)*

Jason always found that law to be unfair and cruel but it was his job so he did it and left at that with most pyro’s but Chris had struck a cord with Jason <Chris always used his powers to get away, ya he slashed the tiers on the van but never hurt anyone which he easily could have, seeing the evidence on the tape. There are even rumors that he saved somefur’s life a few times and some others from that over turned bus a wile back.> this caused more than a little doubt in Jason’s mind as to what they where going to do to Chris.

____________________________________________________

A month had gone by and Chris still wasn’t home. He had perfected his routine down to an art, drive a little in one direction work an odd job or two, then drive a little in another and repeat slowly working his way to his destination. Anyone he came across just assumed he was a drifter. That’s exactly what Chris wanted them to think, except when he made it to Vegas, he always played the roll of the high roller there, he actually didn’t stand out as a high roller, if he played the part of the drifter here he would more than likely get spotted by security and looked in to on any database and he didn’t want that plus he would constantly come out a few thousand ahead.
Chris loved roulette, he played like an expert he knew the odds of every play and found good odds on certain placements.
Plus he would get also get lucky with the double zeros. This time he came out about two thousand ahead and after politely refusing managements’ offer of a suite for the night he was back on the road ready and willing for the 6 to 7 hour depending on traffic drive to his old home growing up, an hour in to it and he had crossed the state line from Nevada in to Arizona then in to Utah chris could tell even with out the sign that stated the state. Utah with there no gaming laws not even a state lottery didn’t have the money to redo the roads as often and as Nevada, Nevada had some of the smoothest roads to drive on, the moment he hit Arizona and then Utah roads it became very noticeable the road noise climbing getting louder, and not to mention the pits and tar repairs that litter the road.
He was just starting to get use to the noise when he came upon the small city of St. George. He had to stop for gas and maybe an inn for the night, the sun was setting, Chris didn’t like the idea of doing the drive in the dark though he could. One tank of gas and something of a night sleep (he was still quite excited to be headed home.) should get him home he hoped. He pulled in to a gas station just of the free way and filled the tank noted the amount and walked in to look for some snacks for the trip.

Half way down an isle chris heard the clerk behind the counter gasp as an otter with a ski mask dash in and draw a gun at this point chris was acting on his instincts even though he hadn’t seen Simon didn’t mean this couldn’t be him he ducked behind the isle and almost crawled to the end of the isle he was bout to time shift out just as he heard the otter say “Give Me ALL The Money!” that actually set Chris’s mind at ease a little, this wasn’t because of him. <today of all day’s, why now when I’m so close to home.> “humm”<I could let this play out and go unnoticed.> then chris ventured a look over the top of the isle and got a good look at the robber <no there no telling how this could go that otter looks just a little to nervous to be thinking clearly> chris decided to do something about it. <ok for this to work for the camera that’s taping this its goanna have to look like I sneak up from behind him with my sword rather than me just appearing right next to him.> so concentrating on his inner power he forced it out forcing all time in his galaxy to stop of course chris didn’t know this he just assumed it only affected he local area as that’s all he ever really had time to explore before his 15 min. would expire and start moving again. He hurried out the door and got in to his trunk and fished out his katana slammed the trunk shut and ran back in side, back to his hiding spot at the end of the isle. Then he slowly released the time shift restoring time back to normal. The clerk just starred at the gun some what frozen at the aspect of being shot. The robber then demanded the money again this time adding “NOW” to the statement this seemed to kick the clerk out of his trance as he started to reach for the cash register. This was his chance, chris started to stalk, crouched over “under the radar” towards the robber completely unnoticed by every one but the camera then with almost utter silence he drew his sword for its scabbard. Before the robber or the clerk knew what was going on a cold steel blade was pressed against the robbers thought and in a demanding voice “You might want to drop the gun!”

Instantly the clerk turned back to see who had said that. To see a man with a sword against the robbers neck. Then the clerk heard a whimper come from the would be robber as he set the 45. Colt on the counter, the clerk grabbing it without hesitation.

“I suggest you find something to tie him up with then call the cops.” said chris in shock but still moving the clerk agreed with this stranger after tying him up the clerk turned to chris to ask in true Utah fashion.*note in Utah it’s a custom that if saved by some one you don’t know you ask at least one question.* “what’s your element?” a little taken but still kind of expecting it he replied “pyro” this thru that clerk * if the reply is pyro you ask one more question followed by a statement.*

“What do you want? I don’t have any money and I don‘t do favors.” Chris had been expecting this and knew exactly what to say.

“Sir I don’t want anything from you or your family!” then reaching for his wallet he produced a twenty and a five and set them on the counter “Twenty-five pump six” then turned to walk out “wait” said the clerk confusion written all over his face. This gave Chris no end of amusement which he hid well.
“I think this time it’s on the house.” the clerk said with a look of distrust, holding the money so that Chris could take it back
“No I don’t think so, just because I stopped this idiot…”he gave the otter a stern look that sent a shiver down the otters spine for he had heard stories of what some pyro’s would do if you got them mad. “… Doesn’t give me any right to do that. I used your services and I intended to pay.” with that he turned and walked out.

This more than anything that has happened so far confused the clerk the most and it scared him. He had never heard of a pyro that acted that way, that didn’t ask for anything in return for saving his life and beyond that he paid for the gas. Most pyro’s he had heard would more than likely swindle you out of money rather than willingly pay. That and he didn’t like the idea that he possibly owed the pyro anything even if he said he didn’t. The clerk called the cops and told them everything and waited for them to arrive, nervous as hell, thinking of what that pyro would ask of him someday.

With no delay in his step chris jumped in his car shoving the sword in the back and peeled out of the gas station and on to the freeway thoughts of staying the night vanished in a puff of smoke as there would be no way he would be staying after something like that. Two hours later about midnight and about half way to salt lake, Chris had finally calmed down. He hated threatening the otter, he just kept telling himself that he probably saved a life and that’s a good thing.

Seeing the night sky on the open desert road brought back some old memory’s, of hunting trip’s with his family out in the Flowell desert just outside of Fillmore next to the old extinct volcano. One night in his distant past he remembered an almost amazingly clear night he stayed up well past everyone else just to watch the stars. The next night he realized why it was called the milk band galaxy. As he stared in to the night sky of his third and final night on this trip he caught sight of his first shooting star, and having heard all the little tales of what to do upon seeing one he made a wish, “I wish to go beyond the stars where I will be safe.”, even at that young age of seven he knew what he was and that he would be ‘hunted’ just for being himself. That’s when he vowed that he would be a good person so they would have no reason to kill him, he also realized that he would have to learn not to depend on his powers, to learn skill’s that would allow him to blend in, in some ways and stand out in others.

That memory was of a good time, a time long ago, the wish still fresh in his mind, with a sigh “oh how I wish the wish of so long ago.” he adjusted in his seat and relaxed a little more, driving on. <traffic isn’t bad at night just a few trucks far and few between, but other than that the road is mine.> the next two and a half hours went by just like the last, uneventful. He pulled into a motel to stay and ‘try’ to sleep the last five hours he knew with it being the weekend that his parents would probably sleep in, he was going to be a shock so he figured they’d need their rest.

_________________
to each their own
"a riot is at bottom the language of the unheard." Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
"you can get more with a kind word and a gun than you could with just a kind word." Al Capone
http://www.freewebs.com/griffinxango/
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Virmir
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Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Posts: 107

PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 5:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this. You've got a sort of oppressed X-Men mutant thing going on here. The first scene is the best, in which we're slowly learning about Chris through Simon's point of view.

As for some critiques, you jump from head to head sometimes. E.g. In the first scene it sort of alternates between Simon's perspective and the clerk's perspective. Be careful with this, and make sure you stay in one character's head per scene.

Your notes scattered throughout the story are a little distracting. See if you can work the information into the story itself without blatantly saying *NOTE: ...* Smile

Also in regards to furryness, your furry characters don't really stand out from the humans. I.E. they don't do anything animal-like, they're not persecuted for being half animal, etc. There's nothing really wrong with this, but as a personal preference I like to see some blend of animal and human traits that are critical to the plot.

Couple of typos and comments:

Quote:

“Well clearly there is so I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” replies the manager.


replies -> replied. Make sure you keep everything in the same tense.

Quote:

Just thru the office door Simon stopped as a crackle of his ear peace suddenly came to life.


"Thru" is an abreviation. Always use "through" when writing stories.

Quote:
He leaned his head around the door frame of the inner office to see what Simon was up to; only catching the tail end of both the fox and the conversation


Hehe, good imagery. Smile

Quote:

After a good tip-off that his target was in the area he deployed his team, not all just himself and his two backup’s


"backup's" is possessive, "backups" is plural and what you want here and in the other cases.

Quote:
But here’s my card if he comes back, which I dought


* doubt


There are more typos, but these should get you started. Smile

Altogether, not a bad show. Keep writing!

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- Kendo Virmir

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GriffinX
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Joined: 18 Jun 2007
Posts: 785
Location: SLC Utah

PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 6:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you for reading. i have to say i was getting a bit disapointed i mean i had 50 hits and not one comment i think most of them didn't even read it.

well virmir on your point of not standing out that was actully what i was going for you'll find later on that all the speceis evolved at the same time so there's no real segrigation.

well i thought that that a *NOTE* would be the best way to not only get the atetion on the spot but also to get the information across with out a round about secwince of thoughts that (the way i write)would cofuse the reader.

i'll try to work on the perspective a little bit more.

thanks again for reading

this go's for all that read please let me know what you think and if you have suggestions feel free.

_________________
to each their own
"a riot is at bottom the language of the unheard." Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
"you can get more with a kind word and a gun than you could with just a kind word." Al Capone
http://www.freewebs.com/griffinxango/
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Luther
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Joined: 14 Sep 2006
Posts: 34
Location: Linden, TN

PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2007 12:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

(sorry for posting a bit late, like to think about it a bit)

Love this, kinda reminds me of Bourne Identity with avoiding the government and everything.

I think you really got a cool idea going on here, but you really need to watch the spelling, maybe rereading it a few times
or finding a few people to proof read would help.

Aside from that the one thing I have to point out is the time shifting ability, how did he get it? When did he figure out he had it?
I like the limited amount of time Chirs can use his ability, a "close call" would be intresting to see if it should happen.

I also like how Chris is such a high level elemental yet, doesent like to use that ability unless absolutly nessecary.

Nothing to add that Virmir hasent covered I dont think.

Keep it going.

-L
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GriffinX
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 06, 2007 9:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

well luther thanks for the read and on his time shift sorry, I'm not reviling how he got it tell chapter seven which i am working right now the discovery isn't tell the next chapter and there are gonna be quite a few 'close calls'

thanks again for reading

_________________
to each their own
"a riot is at bottom the language of the unheard." Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
"you can get more with a kind word and a gun than you could with just a kind word." Al Capone
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kcmack
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Joined: 07 Apr 2007
Posts: 142
Location: S.W. Missouri, US

PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2007 3:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have to say I enjoyed reading it as well. The story idea is good and is an interesting read. I would suggest getting a good proof reader though. Virmir does have some points on the "furry" end of the agents. Just keep in mind that the people you are writing about have slightly different emphasis on certain senses. Scent would be a big one that I could see playing into your story here. Mainly due to the fact that even though you freeze time you would still leave behind a scent trail that could be followed
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"'Do you know, I always thought Unicorns were fabulous monsters, too? I never saw one alive before!'
'Well, now that we have seen each other,' said the Unicorn, 'if you believe in me, I'll believe in you.'"
— Lewis Carroll
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GriffinX
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Joined: 18 Jun 2007
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Location: SLC Utah

PostPosted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 5:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

the only thing i could say is by what logic could that be useful at that point in time i.e. he time shifts and after cutting the tires on the van he gets in his car and drives off, now i don't know about later, yeah that might come up, but how could Simon tell one exhaust form another it would be lost among every thing else. i do plan on useing certin atributs of both the fur and non but you got to give it time most of them don't come up tell atleast chapter 3 if not 4 and i plan on using it big time in 8
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to each their own
"a riot is at bottom the language of the unheard." Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
"you can get more with a kind word and a gun than you could with just a kind word." Al Capone
http://www.freewebs.com/griffinxango/
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kcmack
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Joined: 07 Apr 2007
Posts: 142
Location: S.W. Missouri, US

PostPosted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wasn't thinking of him tracking his exhaust from his automobile. It would just help him determine where Chris has gone though when he has disappeared. It would narrow down what he was doing basically. If he was just teleporting from one spot to the other there would be no scent trail, but since there would be it would narrow down exactly what power that Chris is using. He would now know that he is either moving himself faster than the 30 frames per second that indicate normal camera recording speed can record him at or he is doing something else but he IS having to cross over the area. It would be very important for some types of traps that they may decide to set up. But these are meant as just some helpful thoughts not really a critique. Smile
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"'Do you know, I always thought Unicorns were fabulous monsters, too? I never saw one alive before!'
'Well, now that we have seen each other,' said the Unicorn, 'if you believe in me, I'll believe in you.'"
— Lewis Carroll
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GriffinX
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Joined: 18 Jun 2007
Posts: 785
Location: SLC Utah

PostPosted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 6:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

see that is where the basket in front of the door comes in, the moment he let it go it reappeared in normal time with out him, i was trying to have the reader make the connection by only the basket showing up and not him, so it wouldn't look like teleportation. and i am also basing it as hard evidence for evaluation, if it was only simon's sense of smell that they had to go on that wouldn't be very concrete evidence of what Chris was in fact doing.
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to each their own
"a riot is at bottom the language of the unheard." Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
"you can get more with a kind word and a gun than you could with just a kind word." Al Capone
http://www.freewebs.com/griffinxango/
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