F&C Trailer

December 21st: UnEasy Thoughts.

Like all Saturdays, I try to sleep away most of the morning. Sleep was hard for me to achieve the night before, thinking that Randal would harm Cathy, but I must respect Cathy's wishes in that she can handle whatever situation he would put her through.

11am; my brother yells at me while I sleep.

"Yo asshole! Wake Up!", he yells.

"What the fuck you want now?", I yell at him.

"Some bitch is on the phone for you", he yells.

"Then stop fucking yelling- you little faggot", I yell back. I get up and out of my bed, to the hallway looking for the phone. He tries to get in the way by blocking the door. I aim my shoulder towards the middle of his chest. He steps out of the way, not to get hit, allowing me to get through to the hall. I look around for the phone. Its on top of the washing machine.

"Hello?", I ask. I think of all the possible female voices that I could hear, and the names that are connected with them.

"Hello- Fernando?", a familiar sounding voice said.

"Cathy?", I ask in a 1/2 sleepy groan.

"Its me- Corin.", she said.

"What wrong?" I ask.

"Cathy has not returned from last night.", she said.

I stand silently, holding back emotions of anger and destruction. On the phone- I can hear the other line being picked up.

"Hold On....", I said. I place the phone back on the washing machine and take the few steps into the Grandma's bedroom where the other phone was at. Jorge was there, trying to leave in a hurry, but I grab him and slam him up against the nearby wall.

"Don't fuck with me, Jorge or I swear I'll kill you", I growled at him. He takes a punch to my face to make me let him go. I snap my head back and look at him. A look that he only knows that I'll going to beat the shit out of him and destroy 1/2 the house to do it if he is to fight back.

I take a side step and throw him through our bedroom door where he crashes against the wall and shelves, knocking everything down. I grab the door knob and slam the door hard enough to wedge it against the frame. I go back to the phone.

"What was that?", Corin asks

"Just a problem with my little bro, nothing more.", I explain.

"Nothing from Cathy yet?", I ask. I look out the window and notice that it was still snowing heavily from last night. The floor has a good 6 or 7 inches covered with the white stuff.

"No.", Corin says.

"Well....", I say trying to calm myself, "Lets hope she with Randal and away from this bad weather."

"But she would have called by now.", she says.

"I don't have Randal's number or know where he lives... You go find out where they are at.", I said.

Silence from her end for the moment.

"I'll go to our home and see if she's returned there with Randal.", I said.

"I called already, and no one answers the phone.", Corin says.

"I can sense that Randal would not want her to answer the phone if they were at our place.", I said.

"Randal would not do that.", Corin says.

"I would not bet on it. I'll go check anyway, and I'll call you from there- OK?", I said.

"Alright, and I'll let you know if anything changes from here.", she said.

"Good-bye- then.", I said.

"Bye...", she responds.

I go back to the door and kick it in. Jorge was still there, 1/2 covered with the stuff that fell from the shelf. I take my clothing and belongings to take to the dining area to get dressed and go out to my private place in Brooklyn where Cathy and I live as husband and wife.

The hour ride train takes its time through the tracks, making it seem longer that it actually is. The climb up the snow covered hill seems just as treacherous. But I finally get to the building that Cathy and I call home. Looking up to the window, I see that it is dark and I get this funny feeling that no one is home.

Opening the door of the apartment, I can see that no one's there. Instinctively, I take off my coat and throw them onto the couch, and sit on the recliner. Laying back, the chair changes configuration as to where I can practically lay down on the seat, where I think, 'Cathy's not here, and there is no sign that she was here since she left. Randal lives somewhere else in Brooklyn, but I don't know where.'

The phone rings loudly. I hop out of the recliner to get to the phone, and catch it on the third ring.

"Hello?", I ask.

"Hello, Fernando. She not there- right?", Corin asks.

"No.", I answer with a sigh, "Anything from your end?"

"I called Randal's family, but no one seems to know where he is.", Corin explains.

"I see.", I reply.

"Let me know if anything changes.", I said.

"I will.", she replies.

"...Bye.", I said before hanging up.

I can hear her say "Bye" as well, as I take the phone off my ear and hang it up. Once the phone is hanged up, I take the entire unit with me to the recliner and put it on a nearby table. I get back on the recliner and think. And hold back on the anger and temptation of hunting in the cold for a scent that has long since dissipated.

After a moment of thinking, I fall asleep. The phone rings again. I almost jump out of the seat startled from the sudden noise. On the second ring, I finally recognize that it is that of the phone. I reach for it to pick it up.

"Hello?", I ask.

"Fernando?", a female voice with a southern accent asks. That voice belongs to Juanita (Gloria).

"Juanita?", I ask.

"Is everything alright?", she asks.

"No.", I tell her.

"I spoke with Corin earlier today.", she said.

"Oh, then you know.", I reply.

"I would eventually find out, when I call yous and she's not there.", she said, "Tell me what's going on."

"There is nothing to say. Cathy went out with Randal yesterday, and no one has seen or heard from either of them yet.", I explained.

"Randal's here? In the city?", Juanita (Gloria) says in a panicky tone.

"Yes he is, I'm afraid.", I answer.

"You want me to drop by?", she asks.

"No- don't.", I answer her, "I should be getting home to check up on grandma."

"You sure? I can get there in 10 minutes.", she said.

"I know. Thanks anyway.", I say.

"Anything you need me to do, I'll do it.", she says.

"Thanks.", I answer.

"You sure you don't need anything? I can drop by with some dinner.", she says.

"I'm sure.", I tell her.

"Now, Fernando, I know you better than that. This is not the time for you to turn machismo on your friend.", Juanita (Gloria) says.

"Juanita- if you want to come over, its fine by me, but I want to be left alone.", I explain to her.

"Alright then, I'll be there in a few.", she said, "You better be there to open the door!"

"Yeah....", I say, unsure if it was the right answer to say.

She hangs up the phone and the dial tone kicks in after several seconds pass. I look at the phone before reaching over to hang it up on its base. I lay back in the recliner, continuing to think. Instead, I realize how nervous I was, laying there, still trembling hard as I try to hold it in. I fight it though, taking most of my energies to it hold back, I pass out from mental and emotional exhaustion after several minutes.

I wake up around 4pm. There is a heavy weight as if somebody was on me.

"Hiya lover. About time you woke up.", Juanita (Gloria) says as she lays on me in a 1/2 fetal position on her side, facing me. She in her sweater, yellow blouse and wool skirt that goes to her knees; past that she has on purple leg-warmers and white sweat sox, though she probably wearing pantyhose under all that since she always does when wearing a skirt. Her shoes were on the floor, besides the other chair, where her coat, scarf, hat and purse was.

"How you got in here?", I ask in a groggy tone.

"The door was unlock.", she said as she pointed at it, "Its locked now."

"How long were you here?", I ask further.

"Almost an hour and 1/2. I'm worried about you, Fernando...", she said.

"I'll be OK.", as I take my hand to wipe the sweat off my brow and push it back on my hair.

"You're shaking, dear.", Juanita (Gloria) says with concern. She take me by the hand and holds it tightly trying to stop it from trembling. But the vibrations can not be stopped unless from with in, for its from the very core of my being.

I close my eyes and concentrate. The trembling subsides into nothingness. I let out a sigh afterwards.

"I don't like it when you do that.", she comments.

"I do as I must- you know that.", I explain

"I also know that it cost you every time you do it. What will it be this time- a debilitating stroke? Or a coma inducing aneurysm?", she said with loud concern.

I reach out with my arms and take a hold of her in a loving embrace, "Why did you show up here anyway?"

"You're the one person who should know why, so don't ask.", she says looking into my eyes, studying them for their colour changes.

"Well, in that case," I start to say, "what's for dinner?"

"Since you don't eat normal- I had to get you a large brisket of beef and some veggies for me.", she said

"Sounds good, and after that?", I ask.

"You're going straight to bed.", she said in an over caring tone.

"And if I don't want too?", I asked playfully, trying to hide the pain. She notices the scent of blood in my breathe, giving me odd look.

"Fernando- you're beginning to hemorrhage, aren't you?", she asks.

"If I am, there's no better place to die than at home with the second person I so secretly loved...", I comment.

"I'm serious, Fernando. You need to go see a doctor.", She said as she puts her hands on my shoulders to push herself off me.

"You'll know what they'll do to me when I get there.", I protest quietly, grabbing on to one of her hands on my shoulder as to not let her go.

She looks into my eyes again to check for their colour. "Bright yellow/red?", she said to herself.

"Its the endorphins killing the pain, and making me high in the process.", I say softly.

"How long have you been holding back on your anger?", she asked.

"Since Corin called this morning.", I answer quietly.

"And its finally catching up with you. At this rate...", Juanita (Gloria) starts to say.

"I'm not going to die, not just yet....", as I interrupt her, holding on to her tightly, as to shift my weight on the recliner and force it to reconfigure into its sitting upright position. I then get up off the chair, carrying Juanita (Gloria) in my arms and take her to the bedroom. Once at the bed, I gently put her on the bed, and then collapse to the floor. She crawls over to the edge and look down at me.

"You really need to go to a hospital, Fernando.", she complains.

"No, I need an understanding friend here with me, at least for the meantime.", as I clutch at the sides of the bed and drag myself up onto it.

I lay on the bed as she goes over me, checking my ears, eyes, nose and month for the source of bleeding, and finds but only trace amounts of blood everywhere except for my eyes- which were heavily blood shot. She continues on with her nurse routine, checking my vital signs, and taking my clothes off. I do not offer much resistance.

"Where are you hemorrhaging from?", she asks.

"All over, mainly deep inside the brain...", I say softly and slowly. "why you taking my clothes off?", I then ask.

"Its to get you into your bed to sleep, dear.", she said.

"I don't need sleep...", I said, trying to fight her off on the last remaining shirt button. Since hand/eye coordination are at a lost, as well as other facets of coordinate mobility, I quickly loose this battle with her.

"You still sleep naked?", she asks.

"No, not really....", I begin to answer her.

"Good, then.", as she takes off just my outer clothing and leaves me in my sox, t-shirt and briefs. Quickly, she then covers me in the blanket and comforts me with the pillows. Soon after, she lays down next to me.

After a while, I ask, "What about dinner?"

"Its microwavable take out.", she answers.

"OK, then.", I say.

She climbs 1/2 way on top of me to continue looking into my eyes. "They're still bright yellow. If I did not know any better, you're enjoying it.", she said.

I take an arm out from under the blanket and hold her. "If you knew the pain I'm going through..."

She takes her finger and place it on my lips, "Ssshhh... I know..."

I blink my eyes, for longer than necessary, before looking back into hers, "I forget that we share that connection."

"That's why I worry about you...", she said. She continues to look into my eyes.

"Too bad we did not get married.", I slowly and softly said.

"Then what? Get overloaded on Love from an empathic and telepathic endless loop? I don't think I would survive the honeymoon with you...", she says with a smile, "...besides, you and Cathy belong together, as I am here to protect you both."

"I don't need protection...", I start to say slowly, the pain though subsiding, catching up with my depleted strength from holding back for so long.

"Yes you do- from yourself...", she begins to say, interrupting me.

"Let me finish girl,", I continue, "I don't need protection, but Cathy does."

"She does, but she's survived thus far. Its you that I worry about.", she said

"Why is that?", I ask, despite my need to pass out and heal for a while.

"You fight back, Fernando.", she says.

"And what is wrong with fighting back?'', I ask again.

She continues to look into my eyes, "Because, love- you have not lost a fight against all the odds you had since High School. But the fight you are having right now, you can loose. And if you loose that fight, I loose a very important friend."

I lay there and slowly close my eyes, "You're not going to loose me."

"I know that right now you're so tired that you can pass out any moment now, but you continue to fight on to stay awake.", she said.

"You should stop being in my head so much.", I said slowly.

"Something's can not be helped- you know that. From high school- you know that.", she says.

"Then you know that I'm worried right now....", I say.

"...and that if you're weren't so tired and in pain, you'd hunt down Randal and force him to bring back Cathy home.", as she finishes my words for me.

"I would if I was still mad...", I say.

"..and blowing head gaskets. Fernando- I understand what you're going through. I'm scared that this will not end nicely. And that you will go out to get even.", she said, "Look Fernando- At least for now, I just want you to stay calm and cool until this gets a chance to resolve itself, it least- to heal yourself."

"And if this resolves itself in the worse possible of way?", I ask.

"Then you have my blessings to go after all those responsible.", she said.

"You're not going to stop me?", I ask.

"Going too? No. Can? No. Want too?...", she said.

"Would you want?", I interrupt her.

"Want too? Stop you if something were to happen to Cathy? Deep down in my heart- No.", she starts to explain.

"But...?", I ask.

"Though I know you will kill somebody for her, I don't want you in trouble with the law.", she finishes explaining.

"Would you expect anything less?", I ask.

"Not from you- for her, for me, for a select few..." she said.

"Juanita?", I ask, holding her a little tighter against me.

"Yes love?", she answers.

"Wake me up in a couple of hours.", I respond.

"I'll try, but waking you up is almost impossible.", she says with a smile.

"I know- just try.", I ask.

"OK dear....", she answers, giving me a kiss on the nose. I close my eyes and go into diagnostic mode, sensing the damage within, relaxing and letting my accelerated healing to do its thing. From mediation to deep sleep I go into within a relatively short amount of time.

I can not hide anything from her, the bond we share, the secrets that we keep, it is no less than if we shared the same brain. In actuality, we share the same brain frequencies and pattern. Odds of that happening are some several trillion to one, though people share similar brain frequencies and patterns, almost no one shares both. Except for maybe identical twins. For us, that means that we share more than most would comfortable with. For now, she knows that I'll be out for a while. At least until I heal and get better, which will be in a couple of hours.

She stays for the moment, lasting almost 45 minutes, making sure that I did fall asleep to get some much needed rest and time to heal.

"Damn you- Fernando.", she says to herself, "Why must you hold back so much knowing that it would burst that 1 random blood vessel with will end your life or worse? You think you can hide the pain of those headaches away from me?"

She slowly gets up looking about the room. The bed being huge, makes her like a lost kitten looking for the edge, but she was looking further out. Oddly, once she gets to the edge, she hops off the bed to go to the kitchen and puts away the food in the refrigerator. She returns back to the bed and gingerly gets back on. With remote in hand, she turns on the TV and watches it for the while I lay there in silent sleep. She takes off the unnecessary articles of clothing which she drops on the floor nearby the bed: the leg-warmers, sweat sox, and sweater. She unbuttons her blouse 1/2 way down, before laying next to me as she watches the TV with one eye and me with the other. She smiles a tiny smile, for she can sense that for now, I'm at a restful peace. A rarity for me at best.

I wake up slowly, feeling like I just survived a plane wreck in the middle of a hurricane, trying to make sense of everything as my senses lie to me about the surroundings. Juanita (Gloria) was 1/2 on top of me, looking at me.

"You feeling better, love?", she asks.

"No.", as I look around, trying to make sense of our surroundings, "What time is it?"

"Its only 8pm.", she said with a small smile.

"Juanita, I said for you to wake me up early!", I said, too tired to yell.

"I tried. You just could not wake up, which was good for you.", she says as she starts to examine my nostrils, ears and eyes.

"Well?", I ask.

"I cant see any bleeding, all of it is dried up.", she says.

"You sure?", I asks.

She closes her eyes for the moment, and then opens them to answer my question, "From what I can tell, No."

"You mind getting out of my head then?", I ask another question.

"You know that's not possible, dear.", she starts to explain, "The bond- you know."

I try to get up with her 1/2 on top of me, making her slip for a second. Trying to get her balance, her arm slides down from somewhere 1/2 way down to past my waist, and would have kept on going if something was not there to stop it.

My eyes open up wide, as if I was in pain, but it was more from shock and less from pain, for her arm had whacked me hard against my penis, which was erect from raise of blood pressure from waking up. She looks at me with some concern and then takes her arm on my lower area, holding back a case of the giggles. She repositions herself so she would not be so close to my lower area, and smiles as she leans over to my face.

"What's so funny...?", I ask, holding back embarrassment induced anger.

"Just you...", she says as she gives me a kiss on the nose, "We're adults and with this bond we share- there is no secrets between us."

"But...!", I tried to say.

"No buts.", she says with a smile as she look down the blanket towards my feet, "its alright for you to be... uhm... err.... hard around me."

I can only sigh for the moment.

"Love, you should not be so worried... you and I been a lot closer with a lot less on...", she explains.

"And I swore to you that you would remain a virgin until that special guy comes along on that special day...", I said, trailing off into a whisper as she drew closer until she planted her lips against mine. I didn't fight back, wanted too but didn't. After a moment, she pulls back away a bit.

"That guy was you... you know that. As for the day, it may never happen, but if you ever need me, I'll always there for you." she says.

"I know- but why?", I ask.

"You should never ask that, like I told you a hundred times back in Tech to never ask.", she says.

"Juanita- ?", I start to ask.

"You afraid of something happened to Cathy?", she finishes my question for me.

"Yes.", I answer.

"I'll be there for you, no matter what.", she says.

"Its more to it than that, " as I grab her by the sides of her head and place my forehead against hers. I close my eyes and think real hard, concentrating to get my thoughts into her head. "...you ...cant sense... her ...anymore?", she says finishing off my words. We just stare into each other eyes for a while in silence.

"She could be hurt, unconscious, or very far away enough for you not to sense her, love.", she says trying to calm the both of us.

"Or she could be walking through that door any minute now.", I say, trying to ease the tension between us. She looks at with a smile, almost happy, but sad at the same time.

"And I'm in your bed? My, what would she think, her husband in bed with her best friend?", she says before pouncing on me to put me back laying down again.

"Remember, who we're talking about... Cathy- my wife and your best friend.", I say.

"Yeah, you're right, she's probably jump in to join us and make sure that I'm no longer a virgin.", she says smiling back at me.

"Uh?", I asked, being confused.

She reaches over to take hold of my hands and climbs on top of me, "she'd probably hold me down like this so you can do me lovely."

I close my eyes and almost by reflex, I twist my wrists about to make her let go of me, and immediately grab her by the shoulders.

"I'm sorry, dear. Didn't know that would kick in a claustrophobic attack.", she says. I slowly let her go.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you.", I say softly.

"I know.", she answers back, "But you did not hurt me."

"Juanita...?", I call for her quietly.

"Yes dear?", she answers...

"Do you mind getting off me...", I tell her. She leans over towards me until we're face to face.

"What if I don't want too?", she asks

"You're beginning to push it.", I tell her with a bit of misplaced anger in my tone of voice. I have to close my eyes and concentrate for the moment, as to not let the emotional flood gates take over and let me become an emotional and irrational thing of evil that I been known for during the Tech years.

"You have to relax, Fernando.", she begins to say, "I'm right here to make sure that you do."

"Juanita- be me... I'm scared and worried that Randal may have done something to her. And right now, I'm angry because there is nothing I can do about it. You know- take those negative energies and turn it into something constructive...", I explain to her

"Just like Ms Banzier used to say to you all the time?", She asks.

"She used to say other things as well....", I said to myself.

She smiles to herself, knowing what I was talking about, though how I try to hide that secret from her and everyone else as best as I can, "I bet she also used to say- 'OH MY GOD- YOU'RE BIG!'..."

"Juanita... I'm not joking around with that...", I tell her in an angry tone.

Holding on to her smile, she looks into my eyes to see if any colour shift has occurred, "I know I shouldn't be playing around with your memories like that, but... tell me, how was it like?"

"Juanita- I'm in no mood for playing games.", I tell her in a more calmed mood.

"Fernando-dear, since we can not have any secrets between us, it might be better if you spoke out your feelings.", she said.

"Juanita- you know that if I start thinking sexual thoughts in my head- you'll start to pick up on them and slowly start to loose control of yourself...", I start to explain.

"That has not happened since high school and I'm a grown up girl now.", she says in a playful little girl tone.

"Sometimes, I swear, Juanita- how did you remain a virgin, with me mixing up all those feelings up inside your head...", I say to myself.

She crosses her arms on my chest to give her some height between us. "That was the hard part...", she begins to say.

"Go on.", I said, trying to get her to give up answers.

"Well, until I discovered you, I thought I was going crazy- having feeling of needing sex all the time, most of which were coming from you.", she starts to explain.

"Don't you have such feeling of your own? I mean- like in Denise's words- didn't you want to jump on someone and fuck his brains out?", I ask

"Well, I did have those feelings, but they were put into this place in my head so they would not bother me.", she continues.

"So- you were never horny?", I dared to ask.

"Yes, but, like I said- I locked up those thoughts and feelings in a very tight box in my brain.", she went on.

"I bet you played with yourself a lot...", I joked with her.

"Fernando!", she complains.

"Well, it would not take very much for me to find out, get inside your head, look around....", I continued on playing with her.

"Fernando- you wouldn't dare!", she says.

I just smiled back at her response. I take my arms from behind my head an put then around her.

"But tell me, how did you managed to survive Tech without sex?" I mean- everyone was doing it for some reason or another." I try to lessen the pressure between us.

"No thanks to you mister, I had to carry an extra set of undies and napkins everyday.", she says in a 1/2 angrily yet playful tone.

"You're blaming all that on me?", I said in a 1/2 scare yet playful tone, "Most of the time, I was zonked out on Thorizine!"

"Don't give me that, mister- you were so acclimated to the drug that 5000 milligrams gave you no effect. In fact it may had inadvertently boosted your performance during those special needs...", she says.

"But that does not answer my question.", I explain.

"Why you want to know?", she asks.

"Just do, since I don't go into your head all the time...", I said.

"Something's can't be helped.", she says.

"No, I can sense you, your thoughts and feelings right now, but I block them out. Ignore them. Its that simple.", I tell her

"Maybe for you...", she starts to explain, "but your brain is different from my because of our sex. You being male, can easily control your emotions, which for your swings on the extremes at times and when you control them- you could blow a head gasket. But as for me, I'm a female, and am emotional. Thoughts and feelings are one with us, and I can not say that we cant control them for we can, but we do it in different ways than what you're used too. But since thought and emotions flow freely within us girls; we- you and I, sharing that bond that we have, your thoughts and emotions flow through me as well. I don't really have that control that you do, Fernando."

"I see...", I try to pull back away from her, but cant since I'm already laying on the bed and could not go any further.

"Fernando- are you scared of that?", she asks.

I think for a while, trying to find the right words to say, and how to say them. "No, I'm not...", I start to say, "but only because I already knew that you were somewhere in my head almost all the time we were near each other. Knowing that- I know that you knew all my secrets- even the dark ones."

"I don't think that they were all that dark.", she says, getting closer to me.

"Red Eyes?", I ask.

"Nope.", she answers, "You keep him locked up as best as you can. All the time I met face to face with him, you never tried to hurt me, in fact, you ran."

"Consider yourself lucky...", I begin to say.

"No, consider yourself lucky, for if I would have gotten hurt, you would have paid the price with your life, and there would have been no way for me to stop it.", she explains in a very cold and subtle tone.

I could only lay there, thinking for the moment, wonder who, if anyone could have that much power. I could not think of anyone. But I remind her of one tiny and obscure fact, "Remember- RedEyes had been shot at several times, and yet I'm still here."

"Who say anything about you being shot at while being RedEyes? They would have waited while you were a sleep and then...", she says in that same cold and subtle tone.

"But, Juanita...", I try to add.

"No Fernando, I don't think under his influence, you would never have tried to hurt me, because you had the opportunities to do in the past, and you never took it.", she explains.

"What about...", I begin to say.

"...your childhood abuse by the hands of your stepfather? I know it, just another demon you keep locked up away so it wont bother you as an adult.", she says.

"Then what else you know?", I ask.

"Everything... from your claustrophobia to every person that you have killed and your doubts along way in dealing with their deaths... Fernando, from what I seen in there- you acted in self defense. From that, you have nothing to worry about as far as your religious beliefs are concerned.", she explains.

"Everything?", I ask.

"If it makes you feel comfortable- you can go in and find out about all my secrets.", Juanita (Gloria) said.

"No, if there is to be any trust between us, it must start from somewhere.", I explained.

"Using the fact about knowing all my secrets as trust is blackmail. But Fernando- I know you better than you know yourself, and I believe that you would not do that to me, to us.", she says, getting close enough to me that our foreheads and noses were touching. She closes her eyes and concentrate, trying to widen our connection to force feed me everything that she owns inside her mind into mine. But my mental defenses activate and puts up a shield that she can not penetrate.

"Ow... How the hell you do that?!!", she says.

"Its automatic. Anyone trying to force their way in or put things into my head, it comes up. How I got that, I don't know.", I try to explain.

"I know- its part of your psychotherapy at the hospital and part from your grandmother's mystical training. See... I know you more than you know yourself.", she says.

"Juanita, I also know about things about you from this bond we share, but I don't need or want to be in your head all the time, like you do with me. I also know that you can not control the access like I can. But, remember that wall of defense- it does not come up for you when you are in there normally, nor would I want it to come up. I want you to have free range of when you're in there, because I don't want you to fall into one of my mental traps and get hurt.", I explain.

"Then tell me about one of my secrets.", she says almost challenging me.

"OK, then...", I begin to say, closing my eyes and accessing one of her memories that is stored in my head, "...for a virgin, you love sex too much."

"That's no secret, everyone loves sex...", she starts to say."

"No, its beyond that. You started to 'play with yourself' only after you met me, and the only person you envisioned having sex with is me.", I said, tightening up the muscles under my skin to accept the punch that was about to come. It never comes.

She just lays there, partially on top of me, smiling, "Then you know."

"Yeah, but I did not told anyone a word of it.", I explained.

"Thanks.", she says.

"Can I ask you something?", I ask.

"Ask anything.", she replies.

"All those time I dreamed of having sex with you- did you have those same dreams with me?", I asked.

"You mean, those shared interactive dreams we used to have?", she begins, "Yes."

"Then, you started it with me?", I ask.

"No dear. Remember how they start and end- both of us willing accepting each other, out of love and respect for each other and not out enjoyment, but expression and more.", she explains.

"I remember the dreams too well. And they have not stopped.", I say.

"I know...", she says with a smile.

"Juanita, are you still secretly in love with me?", I ask.

"Just as you are of me, love. Probably forever.", she answers.

"But then- what about Cathy?", I ask.

She thinks for a while, "You love her too dearly, as she does you. I'll be content with you being there in my dreams..."

"No, not that- what if she turns up hurt or worse?", I ask.

"You still have me, and I'll do what ever it takes to help you through this time.", she says.

"I don't want us starting something that can hurt you?", I explain.

"You wouldn't hurt me, in any sense.", she says.

"What time is it?", I ask.

She looks around and see the clock radio on the night stand. "Oh Dear- its 9:30", she says.

"Aren't your sister and brother going to worry about you? You can use the phone to call them.", I tell her.

"No its alright.", she says. She kneels up on the bed and starts to unbutton her blouse.

"What are you doing?", I ask.

"Getting ready for bed...", she answers.

"Wait a minute.", as I get up into a sitting position. I hop out of the bed, not realizing that I'm in my t-shirt and briefs, walk towards the window to look out the curtains. "Holy shit...", I say to myself.

Juanita jumps out of the bed to see what I saw out of the window. "We're snowed in...", she said when she see more than a foot and a half of snow on the ground outside. Cars were unrecognizable other than large mounds of snow, and the usually busy avenue around the corner was empty with several inches covering snow covered tracks. The city has shut itself down in the wake of this storm, like is did in 1980, when we spent a weekend in Tech.

I turn around to go back into the bed, only to be stopped by Juanita, who was standing there with her blouse fully opened, revealing a lacy bra underneath.

"Cathy keeps her things in there.", as I point to the dresser in the far side of the room. I go to the closet and start looking for another blanket, which I was going to take with me to the recliner.

"Where you think you're going?", she says knowing my intentions.

"You can sleep on the bed. I'll be at the recliner.", I said.

"Fernando-dear, you're going to sleep your bed.", she said in a demanding tone.

"And what about you? It gets cold in the living room.", I explain.

"I'll sleep with you...", she says, getting closer to me with every step she took.

"But...", I protest.

"No buts... we've been too close to have 1 night destroy our relationship.", she explains.

"But, Juanita...", I try to explain in protest.

"You afraid that we might end up doing something?", she says. She reaches over to a clasp that holds together her skirt and unsnaps it. It falls slowly to the floor, creating a pool of material around her ankles where she stood. She steps out of it and stands in front of me, giving me a hug. Looking up at me, "Nothing's going to happen between us.", she says.

'We say that now...', I think to myself.

"Love, I wanted you for such a long time, but it was never the right time for us. And even now- it is not the right time, so it wont happen. I know you're too scared and worried about Cathy. It would be wrong of me to take advantage of your emotional distress just to have sex with you... and you already know- I don't have sex with not just anyone, it has to be that very special person I give myself too.", she explains.

"But according to you, I'm that special person.", I say to myself.

"That you are, but, dear, now is not the time.", she said.

I take the blanket to the bed, adding another layer of warmth that will be need when the boiler goes into low-heat mode around midnight. Getting back up, I see Juanita has removed her blouse and bra, wearing one of Cathy's pajama top on unbuttoned. I almost laughed, holding in it as best as I could; Juanita is about 4 inches shorter than Cathy was and 10 pounds lighter. She almost looks like a little kid wearing mommy's clothes to play grown up.

"Its not funny.", she stands there with her hands at her side.

"Well, cant you at least put on the bottom...", I ask, still holding in the laughter.

She looks there, almost angry, knowing that I want to laugh but cant. Silently, she walks over to the bed and dives under the blankets, the pajama top flies out from underneath and across the room. Crawling around under the layers of blankets, she finally find a place to pop her head out. Knowing that she's in there topless, I go back into the closet and pull out another and last remaining blanket and drag it with me to the recliner.

"Fernando! Where are you going?", she yells.

I continue to walk on past the bed. She sits up, dropping the blanket which would have covered her. All in a single move, she reaches over and grabs the back of my t-shirt, and pulls me back onto the bed. Somewhere along the way, I hit the lower part of my spine against the foot of the bed and just lay there in pain. Somewhere between the look on my face and the psychic shock wave that I had produced, she knows that I'm in pain.

"I'm sorry, Fernando. I did not mean to hurt you, but I could not let you sleep out there in the cold...", she says, as she kneels above my head on her lap.

"Jesus girl, why you had to do that?!!", I say trying to slowly get up, but not succeeding as the pain tenses up certain muscle groups in spasms. She remains kneeling with my head on her lap, rubbing the sides of my temples.

"I did not mean to, but you were not going to sleep alone in the cold.", she explains, almost whimpering.

"But you're almost naked, Juan...", I said.

Looking down at me, she glances at her bare breasts for a split second before returning to me, "You uncomfortable with me being naked? We've been at this situation before a couple of times, and still, I'm a virgin."

"At least cant I do the gentlemanly thing- and keep away from those certain temptations of the flesh?", I try to say it in a tone that resembles our church like upbringings.

"Does it bother you that I'm naked?", she asks again.

"Juanita- see it my way. A man with missing wife, in bed, with her best friend, naked. That bothers me.", I explain.

"I'll tell them that I slept on the recliner.", she said.

"I don't think you get the point...", I say to myself.

"No- you don't get the point. Nothing's going to happen between us. And if it does, its because I care about you enough to help you through a very emotional and troubling time for you.", she begins to say, before taking a silent pause, "Damn it all- I swear by all I hold holy- Cathy better be found alive and well!"

"Juanita...", I start to say, "... those were my thoughts you just recited."

"They were?", she looks blankly onto my face.

"You're doing it again.", I say, rolling over and getting up on my knees on the bed.

"I am?", she asks again.

I walk on my knees to her until we were close together, taking her hand into mine and putting my arm around her waist with the other. She puts her head on my shoulder, where I feel a tear run down on to me from her. I slowly pull a tiny bit to see her face.

"You OK?", I ask. The hissing of the radiator lessens by a bit in the room, as it stops in the living room. Soon the temperature will be soon falling.

"I'm not sure.", she says.

I reach over to open a corner from the layers of blankets, then reaching over to pick Juanita in my arms to put her into the open space. She does not resist, finally laying there quietly when I put her down. I open up the blanket for me to get inside, then pulling it over us. I just lay there on my back, as she crawls over to me and rests on my chest and starts sucking on her thumb.

"What's bothering you?", I ask, reaching over and pulling her thumb out her mouth.

"Do you go through this all the time?", she asks.

"Go through what?", I ask.

"Go through such doubt and pain?...", she said.

"Yes, when things go wrong... but I keep it locked up deep inside.", I begin to answer her, stopping her from finishing, "How far you got into my head this time?"

"Must be very- but I swear I didn't mean too.", she said.

I take her by the chin and kiss her on the forehead, "I know."

She looks up at me, "Fernando?"

"Yes?", I answer.

"Take off that t-shirt...", she begins to ask, as she reaches down and start pulling up on the bottom of it a bit at time.

"There's no way I can argue out of this one- right?", I ask.

"I know you sleep without it, this night is no different.", she explains.

"Only difference is I have a 1/2 naked girl in my bed who's not my wife.", I explain.

"That bothers you a lot?", she asks.

"Only if that girl was not the best friend of my wife and I...", I start to explain.

"Who's going to remain a virgin at least for now.", she explains, almost stealing the words out of my mouth.

I look into her eyes for a while in silence, "Does it bother you that you're still a virgin?", I finally ask.

"No, for the most part.", she said.

"What's the yes part?", I ask. She continues on pulling on my t-shirt.

"Love- take off the t-shirt.", she said. I reach down to where she raised the front up to my chest, but my back was pinning it down against the bed. Getting up for a second, I get the t-shirt off and throw it to the night stand, where it flies past it and hits the wall before it slides on to the floor. When I lay back on the bed, Juanita lays back on my chest, sliding her hand up and down slowly on my chest.

"Juanita, what you're thinking?", I ask.

"Fernando- dear, be honest with me, how much you want to have sex right now?", she asks.

"More than you think...", I answer.

"With me?", she asks.

"Yes, you?", I ask.

"Yes...", she answers slowly, admitting something I already know.

"I know.", I say to myself, but at this distance, she can hear ever word I think. I put an arm around her.

She pushes up on my chest to get up and look at me, "You really want too?", she asks.

"Yes, I would Juanita...", as I began to yawn. "Just as much as you do.", I say shortly after I stop yawning. I close my eyes, placing my other arm on them.

"But its not going to happen, dear.", she hesitantly said.

"I know.", I reply back. I can sense that she wanted to kiss me or slug me for that reply. Instead, she lays back on my chest in silence. After a while we both go to sleep at almost the same time.