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August 1st: Hunting for Redemption, To Be Served On A Very Cold Dish. My medical note excuses me for the rest of the summer school year, but not from the regents exam, which for me was fine. I have about 16 or so more days from which I can rest at home and study. But rest at home is something that does not ever come easy. Neither is at work, where my actions are limited by constant supervision. Even my girls are worried about me, though all the doctors' note I have says I can return to a normal way of life. Grace has been with me most of the day, calling in sick from work, as she goes with me to school to sort out my paper work. Again, the long walk from the train station to the school seems to take forever, though its only about a quarter mile in distance. She takes my arm in hers as we head to the building. With the sun being bright, I take out my cane and tap it along the street as we walked. We walk along with many of my friends and aquaintences, though I do not see any of the Shortfellows, Cathy, her sisters, or of Randal and his entourage. Again, the mind plays tricks with repeating history in my head as I take the very same steps that I took just less than a month ago. At the steps of the North East entrance, I grab onto the door handle and turn to face the park momentarily. Nothing was there, nobody was anywhere, as I studied the area of the park, the hill and the adjacent tennis courts. "Are we going in?", Grace asks. "Huh? Oh, yeah... I was just thinking about something...", I said as she caught my attention. I open the door, and lead her in. Walking up a couple of steps, the guards were there, signalling to me to go by without needing to sign in. Its a long walk about the maze of Brooklyn Tech. Though the offices are on the first floor, they were in the West Side / Center Section of the building. Once there, we step into the General Office and stand by the counter. One of the office aides comes to us and takes the paperwork from me, taking them back to her desk and looks through a couple of filing cabinets. She then comes back with various papers in hand along with mine, and starts filling them in front of me. On certain papers, I am requested to fill out some information, and sign nearly all of them. She looks about underneather the counter and comes back wth a rubber stamp, she starts to stamp much of the signed documents. She then hands back my papers along with a few extras, "The regents for your class will be held on August 18th, in the same classroom you were in." I tell her thanks as I pack up my papers and then step out of the office. Together we walk out of the building at the West-Center exit. "Fernando, why couldn't we enter through this doorway.", Grace asks. "Because, it is locked. You can leave from here but not enter.", I explained. We walk down Ft. Green Street to the park, she still holding onto my arm. At the corner of DeKalb and Ft. Green, I stop for a moment to think, then I take her across the street to the park and then up the hill to the tree and sit down at its base- Shortfellow Tree on Shortfellow Hill. She sits down on my lap, putting her arms around my neck, at best trying not to get the dirt and soil anywhere on her. Her only bad habit to me is that Grace is a neat-freak, the kind that would put Felix Unger of the Odd Couple in his place for being sloppy. Then again, I can understand why- both her mother and grandmother are strict with her, often checking her clothes to see where she had been and to see if she's been fooling around with boys. It took them a while to get used to me, even though both our grandmothers were church bubbies. I was still a boy. One who has his arms around her waist held tightly against his. "Why are we here?", she asks. "No real reason. I just need a place to sit down and rest.", I said. "It seems that you spend your time here often.", she asks. "Yeah, me and this tree goes back a long way.", I replied. "You only been here for 3 years...", she started to say. "I know, is been 3 long years.", I explained, interupting her. "Fernando?", she asks. "What?", I ask in return. "What are your plans after graduation?", she asks. "I dont know.", I said with very little time to think about it. "You going to college?", she asks. "Eventually.", I said. "Eventually?", she asks in shock. "Its too late to sign up for the next semester, but I do want to go to college and then medical school...", I said as I reached up her hand with my left, taking it down and feeling the engagement ring between my thumb and index finger. "What about you?" "Well...", she said as she thought about it, "Its obvious what my plans are, but before then, Fernando- I'll be going to St. Mary Seminary School." "Seminary School? What for, to become a nun if all else fails?", I ask jokingly. She smiles back, answering, "Yes." But it was a serious 'yes' from the tone that she gave. "Why?", I ask. "Why not?", she asks. "You have a lot to offer as a wife... if you get married.", I tried to explain as I lost my thoughts midway. "What if I dont want to get married?", she asks. "I would like to marry you if it were all possible.", I said silently. She almost lets out a laughter but holds it in to just a smile. "It can't happen between you and I.", she said. "Why not?", I ask. "Aint it obvious?", she said as she tightens the grasp onto my hand. "Besides your eventual marriage to some guy I dont know... why not?", I ask. "Maybe I dont want too.", she answers. "Not even to me?", I ask. "You would probably the only one who I could marry, but no. We're friends, I dont want anything to change that.", she saids. "I dont know what your views of marriage are, but if you were to marry me, you'd still be my friend...", I started to say. "Yeah- a friend who would be sharng your bed, and your home and your needs...", she started to answer. "No, it would not be like that, Grace. I would not allow our marriage to be one sided.", I tell her. "What about other things in your life?", she asks. "Other things, like?", I ask. "The girls, for one. Your job, for another thing.", she asks. "What's wrong with them?", I ask. "They would get in the way.", she said, "In the way of our marriage." "How so?", I ask. "You cant be a lifeguard forever...", she said, "And the girls- what part of our life would they be?" "I do not know what the future as for us, but we would work it out...", I tried to explain. "What about your friends? I dont like any of them...", she said. "You mean, the ShortFellows?", I ask. "Yes. I dont want any of them interfering with our lives.", she said. "I dont stop you from your friends. Why should you with me?", I stated. "Because I can see that they are nothing but trouble.", she said. "I do not know, but I would never have them put us in a situation where it would jepordize us.", I explained. "But I dont want you to be with them...", she continued. "I would not do that to you, Grace.", I said. "Its either them or me...", she says. "Alright then, its you then.", I said. "What about your ex-girlfriends?", she asks. "What about them?", I ask. "I better not find out that you're going out with any of them behind my back.", she said. "What ever we had has been over a long time ago. I would never cheat on them with you.", I tell her. "What about Catherine...", she said. I stay there silently, for perhaps too long of a time to make me look honest in any answer I would give. "What about Catherine...", she said again. "Not even Catherine.", I tell her. "Even if the child she has is yours?", she asks. "Not even if the child... hey! How did you know about that?", I started to say and then suddenly ask. "You were out for a long time, Fernando. Catherine and I had many talks during that time.", she explained. "Then I dont know what to do...", I said. "Thats the problem, you have a complicated life. How can I trust you as my husband not to ever to lie or cheat on me?", she says and asks. "Because...", I started to say, "you have to believe in your heart that what ever decisions I make is the best decision I had to take. You can ask any of my ex'es- once I promised to them in their arms, I never cheated on any one of them." "What about Jr. High School... you had 4 girlfriends back then...", she said. "I learned a lot since then. Did a lot of growing up too.", I explained. "But that does not answer my question...", she stated. "Things happened back then. I had friends who were girls, but who were also trying to get my attention to be theirs, a constant competition that I had no control over. But to be your husband, Grace, I would only have your attention to have, hold and love back. Thats all I can give, Grace. I have nothing else to give.", I tell her. "Fernando...", she started to say. "What?", I asked in return. "Look. What do you see in me that you think I could give you as a wife?", she asks. "Alot.", I said. "I want examples.", she said. "Examples?", I said as I quickly thought about it, "Your friendship, you love and respect and honor. Your care, and sincerest graditude. What else? Your mind, and body. To be the mother of our children... all those things and more..." "More? What if you're one of husbands that only wants sex from his wife all the time? I dont want that...", she started to say. "Grace, to have sex with you, like I have with any other before you, means to me that its the most you can give of yourself to me in love, as it would mean to me. I would not be forcing you to do things that you cant or dont want too. You can ask any of my ex'es about that.", I tell her. "I need to hear it from you.", she said, "If I were to marry you, I would be giving up the one thing that I kept for that right person I would marry. I dont want my marriage to end up as some mistake and end up in divorse, meaning that I could have remained intact for somebody else..." "Love is not a mistake, Grace. Nor is expressing that love in the ultimate form of being together, to give each other of one another. If we did get married and we get divorse, I would still love you, and loving you would not be a mistake.", I try to explain. "Never has more nobler words have ever been spoken", a voice says from behind us by the tree. "Cathy?", I asked as I try to turn around to see her. Jaunita(Gloria) and the other Juanita was with them. "I see you're trying to move on with your life, but let me ask you, Fernando. What is it with you and girls who are engaged to others?", Cathy asks. "No, its not what you think...", I try to explain. "We were just talking about what if's", Grace said. "You two seem to be a little more intimate than to be talking about 'what if's'...", Jaunita says as she stepped up to us and bent down by her knees to see me face to face. She reaches out to take my glasses slowly off my face, but I parry her attempt. "Dont ever do that.", I tell her, "And where are the rest of the Shortfellows?" "They all went to Mickey Dee's.", Jaunita answered. "And why are you not with them?", I ask. "Because I told her to wait with me.", Jaunita(Gloria) stated. "And why have you waited?", I ask. "For me.", Cathy answered. "Still does not answer what you guys are doing here?", I said almost to myself. "This is still a free park, you know.", Cathy stated. "Thats not the point.", I said. "Well, we saw somebody up by the tree, and we decided to take a look.", Jaunita(Gloria) stated. "You dont have to explain nothing to him.", Cathy said. "Well, now that you know who's up here, what are you going to about it?", I ask. For a moment, they remain in silent. "Who is this?", Juanita asked. "Dont you know, considering that you all met at my expense at the hospital.", I tell her. "Not really. All I know is that she came in one day and basically took over your room.", Jaunita said. "Good, then she was doing her job.", I tell her. Grace just smiles at her, an evil smile, like the kind one would find on a canary after eating the cat. "But who is she?", Jaunita asks. "Wait a minute...", I started to say, "Why are you with Cathy if you're under Denise's influence to be at war with her?" "Actually, I'm with Juanita(Gloria) for now, and no- I'm not under Denise's influence like you say.", Jaunita stated. "You know, the both of you only live 1 block from each other, but you allow Denise to rule over ever decision you have to make.", I tell her as I point to her and Cathy. "No, the boys allow her to rule over every decision that has to be made. Not I, I just follow the flow.", Jaunita says. "Dont blame this on the boys. I for one dont let Denise rule over my decisions...", I started to explain. "Which comes to many questions in my mind. Why do you continue to date Catherine when she is already married to Randal?", Jaunita says. "Why do you allow yourself to be in a war between Todd Rock and Kevin, considering that you have broken off the relastionship you had with Todd but he thinks he still owns you. You answer that, you got my answer.", I tell her. "Are you going to continue to go out with Catherine?", Grace asks as she separates herself from at arm's length but remains seated on my lap. "Cathy knows the answers better than I.", I said. "Oh sure. Put the blame on me, why wont you...", Cathy complains. "Cathy, you're the one that said that we should continue until the end of summer school and end it then. Now that the summer is 1/2 gone, what now?", I ask. "There you go, leaving the hard decisions to me to deal with.", Cathy continues to complains. "You letting her decide?", Grace asks. "It was her idea.", I said. "And you agreed with it?", Grace says, getting angry in her tone. "Only to extend our relationship before our final goodbyes.", I try to explain. "Oh really. To commit adultery is still a sin.", Grace says out loud. "But I'm not married...", I said. "But she is!", Grace stated. Jaunita(Gloria) was beside Cathy, nodding her head in agreement to the terms that Grace stated at Cathy. "But, so is her husband, cheating on her.", I try to explain. "Look Fernando- two wrongs dont make a right.", Grace started to say as she tried to get up without getting dirty from the ground. Eventually she gets up with a little help from the Jaunitas. I remain seated as upon Grace getting up, the nuero connections to my legs went dead. Actually they were already asleep from her sittting on them but I could have dealt with that accordingly if we took our time with it. "How about getting up so I can take you home and curse you out in front of your parents.", Grace said. "Uhm... I cant get up.", I tell her. "Dont be lying to me.", Grace says in an angered authoritative tone. In this condiction I could not do much, and from the looks of it, only Cathy and Jaunita(Gloria) knows it. "Grace, I think he cant get up for real.", Cathy says. "He got two legs, he can get up if he wants too.", Grace says angrily. "Seriously, Grace, he cant get up. His legs are asleep.", Jaunita(Gloria) tells her. "I dont care if his.... wha...?", Grace started to say and then suddenly changes her tone. "Anybody sitting on his lap after a signifigant length of time would know that his legs give out on him after a while. Now, how long have you been sitting on him?", Jaunita(Gloria) explains. "Is that true, Fernando?", Grace asks. "Yes it is...", I try to answer. Then she bends at her knees to lower herself to my position, slapping me across the head after getting there. "What the hell you think you were thinking?" "I just wanted some quiet time with you, thats all...", I said. "Well, now its gone. Over. Finished...", she saids. I try to ignore the hysterics on her part, just paying attention to her and her actions, and keeping my anger to a minimum. "Dont be so harsh on him.", Cathy stated. "Oh sure.", Grace started to say, "While you and I are telling him how much we are in love with him, he's probably out screwing somebody else." "Grace...", I said to get her attention. "No, its not like that Grace.", Cathy says. "Then what is it like?", Jaunita(Gloria) asks Cathy. The both of them could only stare at each other as Grace stared at me. I reach over to my right leg, grabbing it by the knee and draw it up close to me. The pain of it being moved was intense as I grimaced against its protest. "We're friends.", Cathy then blurted out. "Yeah, friends who share their bodies.", Jaunita saids. "Like you are no different.", Cathy tells her. "Heh... I'm not married.", Jaunita said. I lean foward against the propped up leg, listenning in to the argument as it flip-flops about its participants. "I've been married for only a week, alright!", Cathy yells at Jaunita. "You mean almost a month now.", Jaunita(Gloria) says softly. "No...", Cathy started to say, "thats not what I meant." "Then what do you mean?", Grace said before the others could. Cathy thinks about the answer for a moment. "She means that its only been a week since the marriage that they have started fooling around.", Jaunita(Gloria) saids for her. "No, its not like that!", Cathy complains. "Then explain.", Grace says. "Its,... I might be pregnant with his child.", Cathy says. "We know that already.", both Jaunitas says. "I didn't.", Grace says, though she already knew. "He loves me enough to continue to care, I'm only returning that love back to him.", Cathy explains. "By having an affair with him...", Grace says. "Its not an affair.", I said to myself. "Oh- you shut up!", both Jaunitas say out loud. "Its not an affair.", Cathy said as soon as they quieted down, "Its an on-going relationship since before the marriage. You two know that..." "But you were engaged during this time, weren't you.", Jaunita(Gloria) stated. "I have been engaged since before I met him", Cathy explains. "And how long was that?", Grace asks. "Since I was 14.", Cathy answers. Considering that we are all the same, except for Jaunita who was a year or two younger, Grace almost immediately figured out that Cathy was engaged while I was still in Julia Richman. "And all this time, you did not do anything to break off the engagement.", Grace said. Cathy steps up to Grace and take her hand, point to her engagement ring, and stating, "Why dont you." "I can't.", Grace saids. "Then dont talk. You are in the same predicument that I am in.", Cathy tells her. "I am not.", Grace says. "Oh yeah? Then I ask- Are you in love with him?", Cathy asks. "Thats private between him and I.", Grace explains. "According to that little conversation we interupted, you are.", Cathy said. I let go of my leg and let fall gently onto the ground. "We've been friends since...", Grace started to say. "A very long time.", Jaunita(Gloria) said. I try to get up, propping myself against the tree with every inch on the way up. Once standing up, I leaned against the tree, letting my legs get their bearing again. "Now, what are you going to do about it?", Cathy says. Seeing me stand up, Cathy steps towards me and leans against me as she puts her ams around me. I fight the urge to hold her back. "Oh- go ahead.", Grace said, "I know you want too." "It would be for the wrong reasons.", I said. "She's your friend, nothing wrong with holding your friend.", Grace explained. "You say that now...", I tell her, slowly, nervously rising an arm around Cathy's waist. "Would you let him hold you like that?", Jaunita(Gloria) asked. "Who says that we haven't.", Grace answered. "You, through your body language.", Jaunita(Gloria) says. "Then you're misinterpretting what you see.", Grace says. "Then why dont you, hold him...", Jaunita(Gloria) says in a challenging tone as she grabs onto Cathy's arm and tries to pull her away from me. Not wanting either of them to fall, Cathy steps away from me. Grace stood there looking at me. "Well?", Juanita says. I step away from the tree, not wanting to get closer but to get away from the tree. For a second I try to stretch, but Grace steps towards me, forcing me to stop prematurely. She takes another step and awkardly puts her arms around me. I put my arms between us, keeping us separated. "See, you cant even hold him.", Jaunita(Gloria) says. "Its not fair to her, guys.", I started to complain, "She does not feel comfortable doing this." I try to push her away from me as gently as possible, but she does not moved. "Any friend as close as we are should at least be able to hug each other.", Jaunita says. "Then how about you take her place...", I tell her. "Noo...", Jaunita saids. "Well then...", I said as I continue to push away from Grace, finally being able to take a step back to the tree. I then sidestep away from her to the left, as she continues to hold my hand. "Fernando.", Cathy calls to me momentarily. "Yes?", I answer. "I just want to know one thing...", she asks. "What is it?", I ask. "Are you going to go after Randal?", she asks. "Why do you want to know?", I said with a sigh as I try to get Grace's hand off mine. Taking a few more steps away from them and the tree to an indentation on the hill which looks like a high-raised step in the grass. Slowly I lower myself on it and sit down on it. "Fernando...", Jaunita(Gloria) says. "Its none of your business.", I tell them. "Are you?", Grace says. "You too?", I ask. "Ever heard of 'Forgive and Forget'?", Grace added. "Yeah- I'll never FORGIVE myself if I FORGET what he did to me...", I tell them. "Fernando!", Jaunita(Gloria) and Grace yells at me. Cathy turned away from us and ducking behind the tree and starts crying. Jaunita keeps an eye on Cathy. "I swear.", I said to myself. "You cant go out and get revenge...", Jaunita(Gloria) saids. "And who says I cant?", I ask her. "I said.", she saids in a challenging tone. "Oh, and who are you?", I demanded. "Fernando- I'm serious.", she tells me. "Yeah, some guy tries to kill me and I cant do nothing about it.", I complain. "Thats right- you cant.", she saids outloud. Jaunita, seeing that Cathy has gotten further behind the tree, goes and follows her. Grace, seeing that Jaunita went behind the tree, goes after her. "I cant have him arrested, I cant go after him, I cant even call him on the phone and tell him to leave me alone. Yet he is free to try again.", I list off my complaints at her. "He wont try again.", Jaunita(Gloria) says. "Oh, like he promised you that he wont...", I tell her. "Yes he did.", she says. "And for that promise, what you had to do? Have sex with him?", I say outloud, followed by a slap to my face. "How dare you insinuate that about me.", she says in a stern and angry tone. "Get away from me.", I tell her. "Make me.", she tell. I slowly get up, reaching for my bag and start to walk away from them, towards the park's momument further in from where we were. But only having taken a couple of steps, Jaunita(Gloria) yells, "Fernando! Get Back Here! You Dont Ever Walk Away From Me!" I continue taking a few steps away from them, followed by a hard jarring that knocks me to the ground. It was Jaunita(Gloria) who had just sucessfully tackled me. "You dont ever walk away from me!", she yells at me. I just lay there face down on the grass, remaining quiet. Considering that she struck me in my lowerback, I close my eyes and do an internal diagnostics of myself, making sure that she did not add to the damage already done before. "Fernando?!!", Jaunita(Gloria) continues, "Are you listening to me?!!" I continue to ignore her, though I am able to move my toes inside my sneakers despite the tingling feeling and sharp pain I can feel going down my legs. The others, all but Cathy having witness what happened, run the short distance towards us. "What have you done?", Grace yells at Jaunita(Gloria) as she and the other girls pull her off me. Cathy grabs onto Jaunita(Gloria) and drags her away while Grace and Jaunita kneel down beside me. "Fernando, you ok?", Grace asks. "Why the fuck you did that for?!!", Cathy yells at Jaunita(Gloria). I continue to not respond. "He was walking away from me!", Jaunita(Gloria) stated. "You could have seriously hurt him! You know he has a bad back!", Cathy yells at her. "Good if he is, then he cant hunt down Randal.", Jaunita(Gloria) says. "Damn you , Jaunita(Gloria), I swear!", Cathy said before getting over to me. "Fernando- are you alright?", she then starts to repeatedly say, eventually grabbing me by the shoulders and starts to shake me. I try to get up, "I'm alright- damn it! Now stop shaking me!" Angered, thoughts of slugging Jaunita(Gloria) run rampant through my head, but I quickly chase them away as I got up to sit down. "Just get away from me- all of you!", I tell them. "Fernando...?", Cathy almost pleaded. "No- I want to be left alone!", I tell them. "Including me?", Grace asks. "Go home Grace.", I tell her. "But...", she started to say. "WHAT WRONG WITH YOU WOMEN- I SWEAR!", I almost yell out, "I Want To Be Left Alone!" "Alright- you'll get it your way...", Jaunita(Gloria) says as she approaches us and helps Cathy to get up. "Dont expect any favors from us.", she adds. "I prefer it that way.", I tell her. After helping Cathy up, Jaunita(Gloria) approaches Grace and offers her hand to help her up with. At first Grace refuses, but Juanita(Gloria) grabs her hand and nods at her before helping her up. "Lets go girls. They're waiting for us at McDonalds.", Jaunita says as she starts to walk down the hill. The others follow, even Grace who was trailing behind. I sit there watching them walk down the hill and onto DeKalb Ave. As the walk down the street, I get up and watch them continue on their way until they disappear behind the obstruction of Brooklyn Hospital. Picking up my stuff, I walk over to the tree and lean against it, waiting for another 5 more minutes as I look down the Avenue. They did not return as far as I can tell. Putting the strap of my bag onto my shoulder, I head to the rear of the tennis courts and around them to get out of the park further up on DeKalb Avenue. Looking down onto DeKalb, I can see that they were gone before I cross it on South Elliot Street. I continue on South Elliot Street to Fulton Avenue and into the 'A Train' trainstation and go into the downtown entrance. I get on, paying my fair and walk to the back of the train station. I waited for almost 45 minutes, for the right train to arrive, though they were all 'A' or 'C' trains, none of them were going to Jones Beach, and I was not in the mood to be switching trains at the end of the line. I get to Jones Beach almost 2 hours later, making it late int he afternoon when I got there. It was crowded with people, but I managed to find a spot on the sand to put my towel onto. The waves from the Atlantic Ocean were exceptionally strong today, but I laid on my towel and enjoyed the wind and sun. # |