why do we love ?
why do we lust ?
is it the emptyness inside which as nature abhors a vacume we strive to fill it ?
there are many ways love and lust start.
just as many ways it can end
women say many men do not understand the diference between them
many women don't understand for some men they are the same.
but of course there are those rare exceptions
as with all things in nature
" its been a mystery, an still they try to see, why something that good
can hurt so bad "
Steve Perry former lead singer of the band Journey
from the song
"Who's crying now"
after quite awhile of there e-mail chats and talking over the phone as friends she had advised him many times that his girlfreind was out to kill him he listened but much of his heart did not want to listen, he loved her even if she did not love him any more ..or so she had said he kept trying she had invited her best friend to live in their house and was moving her mother and brother into his home which he was changing for them for her..
his foot infected for the fact there was no money to treat it if he took the time to it would cost them the house. so he continued to work to hope she would understand how much he loved her that he would suffer for her. seeing her happy when they made love was his joy he dident need to even have sex with her just to pleasure her he felt happy. but then she would go back to being unhappy he would try to bring a smile to her face to the one he had given his love
the pain from his foot and leg finaly was to much for him he colapsed one day at work unable to move for a few minutes the cramps and stabing pain in the leg now beyond even the pain he'd suffored with a burst apendix he was told by his employer that he either seek out medical treatment or he'd have no job.. reluctently he went emailing his freinds letting them know he was heading for the hospital she e-mailed again he was grateful
a friend came from many states away to consol and help him to bring friendship into his life.. a thing long strange to him as he had never had friends no one had ever wanted him as a friend but here was a man who called him ..brother. his girlfriend came clearly upset teaseing him a little he was very happy she had come nothing mattered now
friends called wishing good will and speedy recovery some admonishing him for taking so long to do this to help himself for once. friends..he still dident understand why..he listened but knew what he needed, finaly a doctor told him they were going to cut. leading him on with false hopes of at least keeping the toe but with atificial bone then telling him after quite awhile that he the doctor was not willing to go that far!
fury and anger kept him in tears most of the night a nurse kept trying to get him to talk he growled and snarled at her as his alter ego the dragon was hurt ahamed he had hoped led to a cliff by the doctor with promices of the wonders he could do ..only to have that carrot tossed off the cliff him stopping just in time only to be pushed off by the doctor
diabeites the silent killer was why his body had refused to heal to
fight off the infecton the diet bland and unsatisfying left him hungry
the injections of insulin burned then they wanted him to do it himself!
the very thought of needles brought shivers of fear to his body the fact
they wanted him to do it to himself ! pure insanity ! an old voice spoke
to him one night..a voice that told him lifes joys were being striped from
and he listened and sorrow came
another doctor brought in a specialist who agreed the bone was infected but not enough to warent removeal and so he was let out to go home he was so happy his girlfriend left after a few days to go north to pack up her mother he worked carefuly so not to reinjure his foot takeing the time to talk to his freinds to rest..try to heal
he nearly finished the room when they arrived he did what he could to help unload. his body now nothing what he had before loseing weight and strength but in his eyes she was everything
within weeks his life was crumbling he worked but it was not enough
and to save the house he had to file bankruptcy for her he thought
for her love which now was not often. one night short on money she got mad at him saying his medicines were costing to much and he could not goto the doctor. his friends told him to go they offered him money to help which he took with reluctance being indebted to someone hurt his pride but he took it and used it to pay bills .. he did not go to the doctor.
his friend who at the begining told him his girlfriend was killing him she now offered him a way out if he needed a place to live to escape to ..he thanked her but did not want to do that he had his home and things would get better
he watched as he worked hard but they had the fun going to the movies and to the zoo never asking him if he wanted to share or enjoy not that he could he had to work ..but there was no money for him to goto the doctor again and his medicines were about to run out finaly insurance at his work became active ..but it to cost a great deal and she told him so
a day later she got angry at him again and he told her with all the conviction he had that she had a choice one he lives two he dies. she got madder still acusing him of trying to give her a guilt trip. he told his friends they wanted to listen they said she was hurting him she was out to kill him and as proof they asked why would she feel guilty? if there wasent a good reason
he bought a bear a gift for her sliver and white a thing of beutey the
next day he offered it to her leaveing it where she would find it he smiled
asking her did she like it? she answered like what?..he lost some
smile but still had hope the bear dident you like it? it was ok she said
she walked away drinking her coffie
his heart was now broken why try to even fight now..she slept most nights in a recliner watching movies all night he listlessly went abut the motions of living smiles were only for politeness his friends told him now did he belive?
heart heavy he admited yes..
they soon had a plan put to gether he worked harder still now to leave, trading his truck for a better one he worked on it each night not speaking to her finaly she came for money to pay the bills he told her with fear and terror in his heart not so much of her but himself he told her no. he needed it for his truck she was confused but only for a moment
she got mad and angry and thus moved her self into the bed of her friend he slept alone now slowly colecting those things which meant most to him it was her mother who asked finaly after several days of this what was he doing and he told her honestly thinking her fair and honest that shed understand . he was wrong
she told them and nothing was said that night but the next day things were missing they had gone out he kept his anger contaned till they came home when he asked her what had happened to his things that were missing she soposeedly did not know nor did she care then the arguement started he'd called friends before this it was then he decided when she called to leave that night instead of later packing his things in a flurry of activity he called an old friend who he had once worked with and was told he could stay till his brother came in a few days
and thus she said the things that now did not hurt, the words which he dident need to hear. he had already died inside
days passed and eventualy he made the long fearful trip to friends who at first he did not understand. they were kind ..they understood and cared.
the tears would not come ..they were the thing that held him together
the help and schooling which was expected did not apear infact they were denyed in one case and he was told could he not go back to where he came from?
the old voice now came again it hurt he hurt inside and the tears came hidden from his friends not wanting them to know to burden them she the one who had cared told him the truth she was with child and would now soon need his room which of the many things promiced only friendship had come true
she cared she cryed with him and at him for his pain which drove him to stop fighting to stop trying, he found beuty there in her eyes..but she was already taken ..and happy
medicines helped to silence the voice which told him to give up to stop trying another plan was made now ..for him to move away to another place for which he was to get schooling to get ..hope his foot now was finaly healing . what use was it he would be with a friend..but a male one
again he now was feeling sadness for she was beutiful and brought light
into that place which had been cold and dark..but he could not have this
light. he tryed but not to hurt to help, in some ways ..more to satisfy
those things in her that needed it and to prove to himself he was able
once again to see he could give joy ..but there was no way
morals she said
she asked him why was he sad , why did he not smile?
saying there was nothing wrong he relized that his urges his wants were trying to take advantage of her urges that is what hurt him
love as once said is a double edged blade ..he had now felt both sides repeatedly
he now wished again for the time before the first time he had said the words i love you to his former girlfriend his life was simple he worked bought the things he wanted he lived alone in his home with his two dogs ate as he wished
love had given him strength to reach out for more love
love had given him sight to see he had no life no future
love gave him faith , to belive in himself
love took his strength away when it left him
love had blinded him to the truth
love stripped him of his selfesteeme and respect of others unions
for he had forgotten for a moment what had hurt him
and it bit another bite out ..laughing at him as it did so
love is indeed a drug , a power, a cure , a price, a balm , a knife
and a treasure......
dedicated to a beutiful lady who cared for this dragon
who has her own mate and soon a child
is that light that this dragon so wishes inside he could share...
to smile in joy wishing the child she loves so much to show him kicking her with its growing life
knowing life is not fair
knowing love and not having it, isnt ether.