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December 24th, 7PM- Easy To Be Hard, Easy To Be Cold, On Christmas Eve. (Entry from Jaunita Gloria's Dairy) Fernando is out cold again, and I am quite worried as to how this if going to affect him in both the short and long terms. His history with headaches is well know to us all, so watching him like this worries me. After having my portion of the dinner I created for us, I sat down to his right side, watching him as he slept. For now he is at peace with himself, but he will be fighting his inner demons soon enough. I'll be there for him as best as I could for him, reguardless of what he says, I'm willing to give myself to him if it so makes him feel better, despite any consquences that may follow. At least for now, what we had was enough for him to get by with. I reach over to the nightstand on this side of the bed, and take the slim line phone that was there to make a few phone calls to friends and relatives, starting with my brother and sister. The phone rings a couple of times before Elaine answers it. "Hello?", Elaine asks. "Merry Christmas, Elaine!", I tell her. "JAUNITA(GLORIA)! WHERE ARE YOU?", Elaine shouts back. "You know where I'm at, we spoke about it the day before.", I tell her. "I told you not to get involved in that.", Elaine stated sternly, "What if it turns out that he has something to do with her disappearence?" "Trust me, he's not.", I tell her. "How can you be so sure?", Elaine asks. "Trust me, I know.", I tell her. After a brief moment of silence, Elaine asks, "So when can we expect you to be back?" "I don't know yet. Until this gets resolved.", I say to her. "That can take days, if not weeks.", Elaine says. "Look, I know. But right now my friend needs me more than he ever did before.", I explained to her. "Now you look- he's married for one, and probably made his wife who is your other friend to disappear for two. Don't tell me that you two have slept together.", Elaine says. "Fernando has been a perfect gentleman so far, and that's not expected to change anytime soon.", I tell her. "I don't trust him, and the sooner you get home, the better.", Elaine says. "Well, you know thhat is going to be difficult- we're all snowed in.", I explained. "Well, whatever. As soon as this clears up, I expect you to be here as soon as you can...!", Elaine says. "Merry Christmas, Elaine. Give Arthur my love...", I tell her. "Merry Christmas to you too.", Elaine returns, then abruptly hangs up the phone on me. 'Damn you...', I think to myself as I hang up the phone. No sooner that I hang up the phone, it rings. "Hello?", I asked to whom ever was calling. "Hello, is Fernando there?", a female voice says on the other end; that which belongs to Corin. "He's asleep Corin. Any news?", I asked. "None what so ever.", Corin says. "Not even from Randal?", I ask. "Nothing." Corin answers. I let out a sigh before continuing our conversation, "Don't worry. Things will turn out for the better." "It cant be helped.", Corin says, "How is he taking it?" "Not well at all.", I answer, "Its getting harder and harder to keep him from going outside and hunt Randal down even though he has nothing to go on by. And you know how bad it is outside." "That's not good.", Corin says. She then adds, "Look, depending on how things are, Carol and I will drop by and pick up a few things for Little James that he needs in a day or two." I let out another sigh, out of frustration, "OK then." For a while we remain silent. "Merry Christmas then...", I said to her. "Ya, Merry Christmas to you too.", Corin says, and then she too hangs up the phone abruptly. 'Two for two...', I think to myself, 'This is going to be the saddest Christmas ever.' For a second Fernando stirs in his sleep, but does not wake up. I lean over to him and give him a kiss on the forehead, whispering to him, "I'm here for you..." I then get up and sit with the phone still on my lap, thinking who to call, then it comes to me. I pick up the receiver and dail one of several numbers I had in mind. The phone gets answered after a few rings. "Hello?", a husly male voice answers. "Merry Christmas, Kevin. Your wife around?", I say and ask. "Jaunita(Gloria)?", he asks, sounding like he had just woke up. "Oh! Merry Christmas to you too, let me go get her for you." I can hear the phone being put down on a hard surface and some muffled activity in the back ground, then Jaunita answers. "Merry Christmas Jaunita(Gloria)!", Jaunita says with all the enthusiasm of the world. "Merry Christmas to you too.", I tell her. "How's things?", Jaunita asks. "Not good.", I said. "How so?", Jaunita asks. "Cathy is missing, has been since Friday night.", I tell her. "Oh my god...", Jaunita says, followed with a muffled but audible explaination to her husband of whats happening. Then she returns to me, "Anyone knows of her last whereabouts?" "Nobody.", I say. "What about Gutich, does he know she's missing?", Jaunita asks. "He does.", I tell her, "I'm with him right now." "Jaunita(Gloria)...", Jaunita says to me, followed by some more muffled explaination to Kevin, and a loud, 'YES! I Knew They'd Get Together One Day... OWW!' with a loud thunk from the phone. "You still there?", Jaunita asks. "I'm still here... what was that about?", I asked. "Oh nothing, just keeping a husband in line.", Jaunita explains. "Now, miss, about you and Gutich..." "Nothing's happened between us, but I'm afraid that the stress is slowly getting to him.", I tell her. "Where are you two?", Jaunita asks. "We're at Cathy's place on Ralph Avenue.", I answered. "That's not good, Jaunita(Gloria).", Jaunita says. "How so...", I ask. "How so? How about the police come in to check the place and find you two in there?", Jaunita explains in question. "The police already went through the place, and asked their questions when we reported her missing.", I answered her. "That's still not good.", Jaunita says. After a silent pause, "How is he?" "Not well, I'm afraid. He's been getting his headaches, major ones. Blood coming out of his ears and nose...", I explained. "You should take him to a hospital.", Jaunita says. "You know how he gets, he does not want to go.", I tell her. "Other than that- you two are ok though?", Jaunita asks. "Yeah, we are...", I answered, "Just concerned about him in a major way." "Well, maybe when this is said and done, you two can finally marry. You two deserve each other in a big way.", Jaunita says. Followed by Kevin in the background, 'Marriage? Gutich & Gloria? When... OW!', along with another loud thunk on the phone. "You still there?", Jaunita then asks. "I'm still here...", I tell her. "Good...", Jaunita says. "If you hear anything, let me know...", I tell her. "I will.", Jaunita says, adding, "I'll call the others and let them know as well." "Thank you.", I say to her. "No, thank you for letting us know.", Jaunita says. "Alright... Merry Christmas, you two.", I tell them. "Merry Christmas to you and Gutich as well.", Jaunita says. "Take care.", I then said. "Yeah, good bye.", she says before slowly hanging up the phone. I then hang up the phone, and put it back on the nightstand. I look about the room and at him for a moment, I then take my empty plate to the kitchen sink to be cleaned up later. I return to the bed on the left side, putting the robe and slippers in front of the space heater to keep them warm before getting under the covers with him. For a while I just lay there with my back to him, watching tv. Instictively he reaches over and holds me tightly. Having him against me like this feels good, but I cant have such selfish thoughts when one of us is missing. As the tv continues with its daily shows of comedy, I turn around to have him, face to face to me. Within him I can sense a deep seated sadness underneath all the anger, hatred and uncertanty welling up within him. Though our little love making match only eased the symptoms for him, it will not cure him. Nothing will, until this thing resolves itself out. All I an do is be here for him, and love him back as much as he needs me too, for I know he loves me just as much if not more. I don't know what to say or do at this point. All the hugging and holding, telling each other how much we mean to the other, and expressing that love that we have is not going to help him with the pain he is going to go through if this resolves in a bad way. For that I fear for him. And I fear that I am not able to stop him from what he has to do to make things right. That he would kill somebody for the pain being caused, for the hurt he's about to go through, and for the loss he will endure most of all. But what can I do in order to stop him, to save him from himself? Nothing I'm afraid. Brushing his dark brown hair from his forehead, I do not have to image what is going on in his head, I know whats going on inside, as we share this connection. It scares me that he could go through so much and still seem to be OK. He's troubled and conflicted, his emotions frayed to the core, his well being beaten. So much internal conflict in one person, how can it be possible. For me to go through that, I would have broke down a long time ago. He's on that verge of breaking down, but has not as of yet. Just how long can he remain this way? And what of me? I lay here naked with a man I so love, but who is married to my best friend. The three of us know better, but how it seems to the rest of the world. I don't care if they do see me as an adulterer, I just care about the friend and lover I lay here with. I'm just a woman, trying help him through this burrden and I must be strong for him. So why do I feel like a helpless little girl? No matter what I may give to him, it may not be enough for him. Furthermore, how is this going to resolve if it resolves in a bad way? If Catherine is found dead, how is he going to be at the wake, funeral or the following reception? How would he want it to be played out? Knowing them, they were discussing about having a traditional church wedding- but which tradidtion? He's Roman Catholic, she's Methodist Bapist like me. How would the funeral be handled? I can not think like this, I have to think for the better, and for him- the best. Fernando, I'm here for you, now and forever. As your friend, lover, and if you want me to be, your next wife. I would not deny you anything, for you have shown me how its supposed to be, and frankly, you have spoiled me on it. I don't think I can marry another because of you. But for you, I'll do anything for you. I lean over close to him and give him a soft kiss on his lips and pull away slowly. Through our connection I can sense him waking up. He has his eyes barely openned, as his senses slowly become aware of what is going on around him. "Hungry dear?", I ask him, "I made a little dinner for you." "Yeah, thanks.", he says, though he refuses to let me go at the moment. "Well, if you want me to serve you, you have to let me go.", I tell him quietly. "I know...", he says tiredly. Then he tightens our embrace by just a tiny bit, and then closes his eyes again. 'If I did not know any better...', I thought to myself. But I soon realize that perhaps for the first time since this has started, that he's in peace right now. Its just a matter of keeping him like this for as long as possible. Another kiss to lips, I hope he would wake up and have something to eat, if not food, then me. # |