View previous topic :: View next topic |
Author |
Message |
Midi Guest
|
|
Back to top |
|
|
Midi Guest
|
Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 11:12 am Post subject: |
|
|
Chapter 2 is up now. |
|
Back to top |
|
|
Midi Guest
|
Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 12:18 pm Post subject: |
|
|
OK, chapter 3 is up now. Is anyone even reading this? |
|
Back to top |
|
|
Teric Registered User
Joined: 11 Dec 2006 Posts: 2566 Location: Southern California
|
Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 2:14 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Just took a glance through chapter 1, and I have a couple of suggestions:
For starters, your scene transitions are difficult to understand. In one paragraph, Midi is standing on a hill taking a breath of morning air, and in the next paragraph, Justin is in the lab with his father. This can be very jarring for the reader, as they are forced to suddenly adjust their point of view to keep up with the story. If you're going to do a scene change, you might want to add some indication to the reader that there is a clear break between one scene and another--most of the readers here on PF use the standard "###" with about 4 or 5 line breaks. This will help your readers to understand that you are shifting the action to a different location, different characters, etc.
It looks like you've used a spell checker, certainly. However, a spell checker often misses words that are mispelled, but pass as the correct spelling of an incorrect word. For example:
"But it had some kind of bug red bush growing out of its head."
I think you meant to say 'big' there, but your spell checker probably missed it because 'bug' is spelled correctly.
The best way to correct these kinds of errors is to go through and proofread your own work several times, and then get a second pair of eyes to read through it as well. _________________ Styx: "Oh sure like flaming a dragon going to do massive damage, brave challenge there Teric." |
|
Back to top |
|
|
GriffinX Registered User
Joined: 18 Jun 2007 Posts: 785 Location: SLC Utah
|
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 8:28 am Post subject: |
|
|
here here! agree with teric i do.
first the breaks are a must if you looked at my stories that i posted on that forum that you put up, you'll notice it.
second wile the story it self seems like it can handle more than a few chapters, you tend to skip over things like small details now that may just be my personal preference but some thing like say what patch of color on some ones fur is striking may lead to a bigger part of a chapter later on down the road i personally love to catch stuff like that and if i didn't catch it the first time i read it i will more than likely the second (i like to re-read)
third this goes back to details but i read most of this story when it was in your comic and i believe that there was more to your comic than i read in the story.
but other that that i can say i do like the concept and good luck with everything. _________________ to each their own
"a riot is at bottom the language of the unheard." Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
"you can get more with a kind word and a gun than you could with just a kind word." Al Capone
http://www.freewebs.com/griffinxango/ |
|
Back to top |
|
|
Midi Guest
|
Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 8:38 am Post subject: |
|
|
Teric wrote: | Just took a glance through chapter 1, and I have a couple of suggestions:
For starters, your scene transitions are difficult to understand. In one paragraph, Midi is standing on a hill taking a breath of morning air, and in the next paragraph, Justin is in the lab with his father. This can be very jarring for the reader, as they are forced to suddenly adjust their point of view to keep up with the story. If you're going to do a scene change, you might want to add some indication to the reader that there is a clear break between one scene and another--most of the readers here on PF use the standard "###" with about 4 or 5 line breaks. This will help your readers to understand that you are shifting the action to a different location, different characters, etc.
It looks like you've used a spell checker, certainly. However, a spell checker often misses words that are mispelled, but pass as the correct spelling of an incorrect word. For example:
"But it had some kind of bug red bush growing out of its head."
I think you meant to say 'big' there, but your spell checker probably missed it because 'bug' is spelled correctly.
The best way to correct these kinds of errors is to go through and proofread your own work several times, and then get a second pair of eyes to read through it as well. |
I did have a scene break, but I think the website cut it out. I'll go fix it.
EDIT= I just fixed it, and uploaded chapter 4. |
|
Back to top |
|
|
Midi Guest
|
Posted: Wed Dec 05, 2007 8:44 am Post subject: |
|
|
OK, 5 and 6 are up now. Six is particularly funny! |
|
Back to top |
|
|
Midi Guest
|
Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 11:33 am Post subject: |
|
|
Chapter 7 up now! |
|
Back to top |
|
|
Kelvin Registered User
Joined: 08 Apr 2008 Posts: 1022 Location: That is not important. Just don't turn around.
|
Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 7:25 am Post subject: |
|
|
I'm up to chapter 17 on this now, if anyone's still reading. _________________ Telegram: kelvinshadewing
Discord: kelvin#0465 |
|
Back to top |
|
|
Kelvin Registered User
Joined: 08 Apr 2008 Posts: 1022 Location: That is not important. Just don't turn around.
|
Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 9:15 am Post subject: |
|
|
Chapter 18 is going to be delayed, but I'm open for PM spoilers if anyone wants some. _________________ Telegram: kelvinshadewing
Discord: kelvin#0465 |
|
Back to top |
|
|
Kelvin Registered User
Joined: 08 Apr 2008 Posts: 1022 Location: That is not important. Just don't turn around.
|
Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 7:46 am Post subject: |
|
|
Chapter 19 now. Please tell me someone is still reading this! _________________ Telegram: kelvinshadewing
Discord: kelvin#0465 |
|
Back to top |
|
|
anthony Site Owner
Joined: 12 Nov 2001 Posts: 1304 Location: Norway
|
Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 8:24 am Post subject: |
|
|
I haven't had time to read anything past the first chapter, yet...
(it's on my list of stuff to read.)
I may send you a PM or two when I do, with a list of things to fix, though... _________________ "My name's Lion, Anthony Lion"
A fur with a license to purr...
---
Like my Avatar?
Why not surf over to www.micecomics.com and tell Mary what a stellar job she did... |
|
Back to top |
|
|
Kelvin Registered User
Joined: 08 Apr 2008 Posts: 1022 Location: That is not important. Just don't turn around.
|
Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 7:50 am Post subject: |
|
|
CHAPTER 20!!!!!!! This is such a landmark for me! _________________ Telegram: kelvinshadewing
Discord: kelvin#0465 |
|
Back to top |
|
|
Kelvin Registered User
Joined: 08 Apr 2008 Posts: 1022 Location: That is not important. Just don't turn around.
|
Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 10:56 am Post subject: |
|
|
OK, I posted this on my blog, but I'm going to say it here because not many people read my blog. Anyway, I've decided that after the series is done online, I'll be releasing the whole thing in a book. Not sure who I'm going with for publishing it, but I've got time to decide on that. Also, the book will have illustrations, extra material, and deleted scenes/chapters/whatever. Altogether, it's gonna be a total overhaul of the story, and it'll even have a little glossary in the back to keep up with the terms, as I will be using lots of terms.
So yeah, there it is. _________________ Telegram: kelvinshadewing
Discord: kelvin#0465 |
|
Back to top |
|
|
Kelvin Registered User
Joined: 08 Apr 2008 Posts: 1022 Location: That is not important. Just don't turn around.
|
Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 7:39 am Post subject: |
|
|
No updates any time soon because I have spyware on my computer. Until I can get it cleaned, I can't retrieve any of my story documents so even the school's computers won't be any help here. _________________ Telegram: kelvinshadewing
Discord: kelvin#0465 |
|
Back to top |
|
|
|