Planetfurry BBS

[RunningCat]

This story may contain some content that may not be sutable for younge readers. Please be informed that you are warned at the beggining.


The Day After Tomorrow
(A Working Title)
By Jesse
A RunningCat Product
All rights copyrighted by the author 2005

Book One
Chapter One

Governments no longer exist, everything is run by corporations the largest and most powerful is Excon headed by the there powerful president Sirus. Cities are massive in size and the population of this one particular city work for Excon whether they know it or not. Excon does have there trouble makers not related to any other corporation called the Corporate Rebels and they are determined bring down Excon but they have mostly been a nuisance to the corporation.

“I have the targets in my sights” Olivia and average size strongly built chipmunk says over her two-way radio.
“Are we sure this convoy is transporting weapons?” another rebel ask over the two-way radio.
“Erica swears by the computer contents” Stephanie a tall slender lieutenant in the rebellion responds to the question.
“By the looks of the vehicles it had better” a more skeptical member says.
“All teams in position?” Stephanie asks ignoring the previous comment. She then gets and ok from the other three squads if four rebels each. She looks at her squad and then back to the targets. “She had better be right” she says softly to Olivia standing next to her who in turn just nods.
Stephanie gives the signal and for the four rebel squadrons to take out the convoy of three armored vehicles with the Excon symbol on the side of them. The teams easily get the vehicles to stop from proceeding any further the rebels pull the divers out where they where tied up and gagged.
“Ok, blow the backs and lets see what Excon has been transporting” Stephanie orders as one of the members pulls a video record.
Several rebels go to the first armored vehicle and place explosive on the doors lock. The locks blow apart and fall to the ground. One of the rebel’s slings his rifle over his should and goes to open the door when it is thrown open and several Excon troopers jump out of the back of the vehicle along with the other two vehicles and it becomes a blood bath as they systemically kill the rebels with the exception of Olivia and Stephanie who just barely are able to slip away.

“Sir, I have a report on the anti rebel project trap” Connor a junior executive human of Excon calls to the corporations president.
“Good” the Excon president Sirus says “where there any survivors?”
“The team is reporting two may have gotten away.”
“You did a good job Connor; just make sure you finish this project.”
“Thank you sir” Connor says back quit pleased with him self over the project suppose success.

“Simone, please sweep up in the back” Katharine a good looking late twenties human tells her eight year old daughter.
“Ah mom” the girl whines.
“Do as I tell you.”
“Yes ma’am” the girl says and goes to the back of her mother pawn and antique shop to sweep up as a customer comes over to her mother.
“How much can you give me for this?” a customer asks Katharine.

Katharine closes the steel gates on the front of the store as her daughter stands next to her. The two of them then begin walking down streets to the apartment that live in only a few blocks away. Sitting on the front stoop of the apartment is Alice a sleek large breasted cat Anomas, When she sees Katharine and Simone she comes over and greats them.
“So how was your day?” Alice asks the little human girl.
“We learned about the corporate takeovers of 3430” the girl says with pride.
“Oh did you know” Alice says placing a hand on the girls head giving her polite pat.
“Alice, could you watch over Simone when she gets home from school tomorrow?” Katharine asks her friend.
“Sure, no problem honey.”
The three of them then enter the apartment building as they stand in the lobby of the apartment a rabbit steaming mad comes right at Alice.
“Alice, you bitch, you missed your two o’clock and Vicki sent me to take care of the customer instead” the rabbit growls at her.
“Tara” Alice refers to the tall (with her ears standing on end) extremely fit rabbit “I am so sorry I completely forgot about Mr. Robinson” she says sounding not that sorry at all.
“You know, I think you forgot on purpose because you only like to screw girls” Tara says poking a finger at Alice.
“Well most girls” Alice retorts with a smile.
Tara and Alice keep going at each other so Katharine and Simone go to there apartment on the top floor of the six story building. As they coming to a landing they pass by a human male who had just exited an apartment on the third floor. A light brown female Anomas dog comes out of the same apartment seconds later and sees Katharine and Simone.
“Oh, how are you?” the female dog ask the two humans who is only wearing a teddy and panties as she throws her arms around them enthusiastically.
“Where fine Candy” Katharine says trying to pry herself from the cheerful Anomas. “How are you?”
“Never better, never better indeed” Candy says breaking the hug finally.

Olivia hales Stephanie into an apartment. Stephanie into an apartment, she has been injured but not too critically, while Olivia has several cuts and bruises. “Erica, get the med kit” Olivia shouts out putting Stephanie into a chair and begins examine where her commanding officer was wounded.
“What are you …” Erica, a black-footed ferret with glasses, begins to ask coming to see what is the commotion is. “What happened?” she asks seeing that Olivia and Stephanie are both bleeding and Stephanie seams to be unconscious. She runs and gets the medical kit.
“It was a trap” Olivia tells her when she returns with the medical kit and taking it from her lover.
“It can’t be” Erica says with some doubt “I was so sure, command even double checked it out” she says stunned watching Olivia bandage up there commander.
“Well it screwed us up badly.”
“How many survived?”
“I am not sure.”
“Should I contact command?”
“Not yet” Olivia says now using the medical kit to fix her own wounds now that she has Stephanie more stable.

“Dartanian” Connor shouts entering the Excon lab.
“Yes, sir” the human Excon scientist Dartanian answers coming from the back of the lab holding a handle held computer.
“Is the X two ready to be moved to the Excon Tower?”
“Yes sir, the project is ready to move.”
“Good, I want you personally making sure that it gets to the tower.”
“Yes sir” Dartanian says softly to the junior executive in slight disgust.
Connor leaves the lab with Dartanian flustered standing alone in the lab. He turns and looks at the large case. This is one of his greatest projects ever. Though Connor had the initial project info he had no idea what to with it with out him and now that jerk is going to take all the credit for the project. Dartanian goes over to the labs master computer and inserts a holo-disk. He then begins downloading the all information on the X-two project.
‘What am I doing?’ Dartanian begins thinking ‘they are going to kill me or worse fire me.’ The thirty something man has a premature reseeding hair line. He removes the disk as it pops out of the computer and goes over to the large suitcase size case and begins pushing out of the lab and down the corridor of the Excon research facility. This is one of his greatest accomplishments and the junior executive Connor is going to have him hand it over to him at the Excon tower where he will in turn present it to the president of Excon as his project.
Dartanian watches as a recording cameras follow him as he goes out onto the loading dock. He sees the vehicle that he’s to transport the X-two with. As he looks around the loading dock he also sees several other workers loading cases similar to his own into Excon delivery vehicles.

“Yes sir” Stephanie says over the video phone as she disconnects the signal and removing a scramble card and tossing into the fire place where a soft warm fire is burning. Erica is typing away on her portable computer with Olivia resting next to her.
“What did the general say?” Olivia asks opening her eyes and watching the piece of plastic melt in the fire her head leaning against Erica.
“We are to stand down until contacted” Stephanie answers her also watching the piece plastic finally melt into nothing. She then goes to the safe house window and looks out at the street.
“Hmm” Erica says looking at her computer screen and causing the other two anomas in the room to look to her.
“What is it sweetie?” Olivia asks.
“I just came across this transfer order” she says bring the order up on the screen.
“Let me see” Stephanie says coming over and looking over the ferrets shoulder. “We should look into this” she then says.
“We barely got back with fur attached to us” Olivia says.
“I am not talking about engaging them, just observing them.”
Olivia did not know what to say about that. She begins thinking if this recon mission works out then maybe the rebel command will put them back on to active duty.
“Where we not told to stand down” Erica says.
“This is new info hun” Olivia says slowly getting up but in some slight pain. The chipmunk and coyote go over to a wall in the apartment. Stephanie pulls a piece of molding away making it possible for Olivia to hit a trigger thus causing the wall to pop open ever so slightly. Stephanie pulls the hidden door the rest of the way open and step into the hidden closet where they keep the hidden equipment. The two of them gather up supplies to do recon. Olivia hands Erica a encoded receiving device that she attaches to her computer.
“Ok, let’s test this out” Stephanie says turning the camera on.
“I am getting a clean signal” Erica says with a node.
Olivia and Stephanie soon leave the safe house apartment to do recon of this odd delivery that Erica had noticed.

An Excon delivery truck pulls to a stop in front of an apartment building. The driver looks at his delivery log and then goes up to the front doors of the building and pounds on the door. Several lights come on in the lower apartment next to the buildings front doors a female red fox makes her way to the apartment buildings front doors. She opens the door wearing a nighty and an evening gown dropping loosely off her shoulders her full breast very obvious.
“Yes,” the extremely beautiful fox says to the human Excon delivery man.
“Uhm … uhm I have a priority delivery for this address” he says to the female anomas fox having trouble talking to her.
Vickie, the owner of the apartment and in charge of the private bordello looks sort of blankly at the man. It is so odd to get a delivery so late at night. The human male hands her the invoice to sign. She does not recognize the name of the person who sent the package yet she is also not one to not take a gift from and admirer of her or one of her girls. She signs the invoice and the human goes back to his Excon delivery vehicle. He brings a large crate out the vehicle and into the lobby of the apartment.
“Thank you so much honey” she says kissing the delivery driver on the cheek pressing her breast against him.
The delivery driver stumbles down the stairs looking back at Vickie as she closes the door to the apartment. She looks at the large crate with Excon stamped on the side of it.
Simone stands at her bedroom window as she sees a delivery man bring a something into the apartment. She then looks up across the way to the top of the building across from her. The rare evening moon’s light shows two people standing on the roof of the building. Neither of them looks human so she figures they are anomas of some species. They seam to be watching the delivery man as well. When he pulls away the two of them disappear in the darkness of the night. She just observed something very odd but she is not sure what.

“What the hell do you mean” Connor yells into his phone that wakes the naked woman lying in the bed as she watches him begin pacing. “No, I do not want you reporting him missing” he then says. “Look, just find him and bring him to me.” He then slams the phone down the bed stand.
“Is something wrong?” the woman asks softly.
“Shut the hell up” he shouts at her slapping her with the back of his hand. Connor is furriest about just now learning that the scientist Dartanian is no where to be found after not showing up at Excon towers with the X-two project a project that could place as a vice president of Excon.

“Where you seen?” Erica asks as Olivia and Stephanie put the recon equipment back in the hidden closet.
“Nah, no one saw us” Olivia tells her girlfriend giving her a passionate kiss.
“Why don’t the two of you go ahead to bed, I am going to take a look at this footage” Stephanie tells them.
“Sure thing boss” Olivia says placing an arm around Erica’s back and escorting her to there bedroom.
Stephanie takes Erica’s computer and places it on a table and begins viewing the footage they recorded of the odd late night delivery to this known high class bordello. She watches the recording as she sees the red fox sign for the delivery and the human males goes to the delivery vehicle brings a large crate into the apartment and as he leaves he nearly stumbles down the steps. She backs the recording up and begins enhancing the image of the crate. From all perceptions it looks like a regular delivery. If this had happened any time during the day it would not have mattered. She then begins running scans of the crate. As she comes to the x-ray she sees within the crate is a large steel suitcase size object. It is shielded from the x-ray so she switches the scan to a heat source scan and is registering as being extremely cold. Stephanie sits back in her chair as she tries to figure out why Excon would be making a delivery to this bordello in the middle of the night. She brings up Erica’s info she had about the delivery from the Excon. As she looks at the info it suddenly disappears she tapes the computer several times. Stephanie suddenly realizes something is wrong and quickly begins typing several commands into the computer but every file from Excon that she had collected about the delivery is being erased. She then tries to find out the routing number from where the deletions are coming from but she is finding that who ever it is covering there tracks extremely well deleting routing positions making it impossible for to follow the tracks until it is suddenly gone. If Erica was on the computer she may have been able to track the person down but by the time she wakes Erica up the trail will be extremely cold.
The half naked ferret groggily looks at the computer and tries to find any trace of the delivery on her computer but it now way to late. The only thing that even says that there was a delivery is the Excon delivery man and the footage that Stephanie and Olivia made. With Erica unable to recover anything Stephanie sends her back to bed where she walks drowsily towards where Olivia waits for to return.
Stephanie holds the recorded disk in her hand of the delivery the only proof that Excon sent a something to this bordello late at night. Some one really smart it seams does not want anyone from Excon or one else to know of the package being delivered.
“I have got to find out what is in that crate” she says softly looking at her reflection. “But if some one from Excon gets a hold of the disk it will send them right to it” she adds thinking threw what to do as turns the disk in her hand several times she flings it into shallow burning fire in the fire place. She watches the disk melt into nothing hopping that she just did the right thing.

Simone comes running down the stairs of the apartment building passing several half naked woman but not giving a second look. She is suddenly comes to a jarring stop as she is swept off her feet.
“What’s the rush little one” Vickie asks holding her in her arms.
“Don’t want to miss the school bus” Simone tells Vickie who, unlike her girls, is dressed in a dress suit. The little girl then spies the large crate still sitting in the entry way of the apartment building. She squirms out of Vickie’s arms and goes to the large box. “This is what came last night?” she asks.
“Yes, how did you know this came last night?” Vickie says raising one eyebrow.
“I got to get a drink of water when I saw the delivery vehicle” Simone tells the anomas red fox.
“I thought it odd to get a large package so late at night” Vickie says getting a node from Simone.
“I saw two anomas watching from the roof of the building across the way” the little girl then says.
“You don’t say” Vickie says interested in what the girl has to say.
There is a sound of a school bus horn honking and Simone rushes out the door to catch the bus. Vicki watches the door close then turns to the crate and pulls the invoice off the box. All it has on it is the address and priority shipping. Vicky is then joined by one of her girls Candy.
“What you got there boss?” Candy asks.
“I’m not sure” she says “something very odd.”
“Where you expecting a delivery?” the female dog asks almost panting.
“No, I was not.” Vickie says now more curious than ever about the crate and its contents. She has no idea why she would get such a large package from Excon. She has a few regular clients in the middle management who work works for the corporation but those clients would not want to it known that they go to brothel house.
“So, why don’t you just open it?” Candy says.
“Well I guess” she pauses for a second “sure why not.” Vicki says going to the crate and pulling a tab on the top of it. The top of the box flips then with a crinkling sound the crate begins dissolving into a nice floral scent until all that is left is a large steel suitcase. Vicki looks even more confused at the steel case as Candy goes over to and begins examining it. Neither of them have seen anything like it or at the very least Vickie does not believe she has. They both jump when the door bell rings. Vicki looks at her watch and realizes that a nine o’clock client has arrived. She has Candy move the steel box into her apartment while she greats the client.

End of chapter one

[hikaru]

Ok. I'm going to respond to this strictly on a techical level and not comment on story content.

Here are the big things I notice:

1. Punctuation
   
2. Capitalization
   
3. Grammar
   
4. Spacing
   

Ok. Let's start with Punctuation.

[RunningCat]

Hikaru, thank you for all your comments this is only a second draft and I should have read it threw more tourly before posting it. I will take your suggestion into comment. When I worte the story it does have indents I do not know what happened when I copied and pasted them to post. Is there anouther way I can maybe post it any suggestion is welcomed. I will make those corrections as soon as I can. I really want people to like this story that I have been working so hard on.

On any other hand what about the story so far. Does it grab your interest at all, or do you think you need to read more?

[hikaru]

I'll have to re-read the story at a later time. I've been trying to concentrate on the plot for IC and reading other works tends to distract me from my evil plottings.

[beno]

I guess the theme for this story is a modern epic. I'm liking the idea. Tell us when you finish, I'd like to read it through.

[RunningCat]

The thing is when I posted it it looks nothing like how I wrote the first chapter. And while it may seam like it modern day it's not there is one sentice in there that gives you an idea of the age they are in. If you can find your good. It is one of a few hints to give the time that it the story takes place in.

[RunningCat]

With some of the suggestion from Hikaru I suddenly realize something.

I NEED AN EDITOR

Or at least some one to at least help me clean up my stories so that every one else can enjoy them and not be frusterated by it when trying to read it. Is there any one out there who might be able to help me out.

[PrincessB]

I've been an editor for my friends book, so I've done editing before. Also I recently had KitFox edit my most recent story. A lot of the other writers around will often help out a fellow writer and do editing.

[beno]

[RunningCat]

That is intersting I did not know that? Thanks, but as I publish more chapters you will see that (and I have notice the change) the story is charted in a mystery rapped in enginma(sp?) I honestly did not know it was going to be this way but it sort of is going that way.

To my previose post please get back to via PM so that I can contact you so I we could fins out how I might edit this story that is drinving me nuts.

[RunningCat]

With the help of a few friends of the board I am able to rewrite the first chapter and HOPEFULLY people will be able to read it better. I am sorry for the grammer and spelling problems. I sometimes forget to take care of those before posting but the fact that I love writting at all is amazing in it's self and the amount of work I am turning out is impresive.

I had a teacher in highschool (back in the day) that turned it all around for me. No I write all the time and considering how I had to get over dyslexia it is not always the easiest thing for me to do (the self edit part not the writting).

Anyway I am hopping that the rewrite of the first chapter will be done this weekend I am just not sure where I should post it.

[Superlagg]

If I werent already busy redoing my story, i would so be editing for you.

Aw what the heck, my story aint going anywhere, il edit for ya!

[Superlagg]

I kinda had a case of biting off slightly more then I can chew, seeing that I have alot of work to do on my own story, but I will edit this chapter and leave notes on things to be known in the future. Im partway done editing it, some parts were easy with just some spelling errors and such, and some were difficult where the story gets all tangly looks odd and it is somewhat difficult to staighten it out.

Il say some things first, you kinda need to write in some things that give clues to waht some things are, like the Anomas for instance. Took me a few seconds to figure out what you meant, which isnt really something the reader should have to do for something like this. It pays alot to be short, sweet, and to the point with little detour, unless it is something that is not meant to be fully known to the reader. For my story, I introduced a whole alien society, two complexish characters, an alien megagroup that wants to blow them all up, and some nifty futuristic things. I recomend reading books like The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe, anything by Isaac Asimov, and some other very well written works of literature and pick up some pointers on how to have the story to be well written. Worked for me.

Your basic idea and storyline for your story is actually pretty good; reminds me of Deus Ex in a way (which is good). Most of the problems I have encountered so far are pretty much just technical things like what Hikaru said: Punctuation, Capitalization, Grammar, and Spacing, along with some odd transitions and some minor spelling bugs. You seem to be using present tense in your writing, which is ok if done right and is consistant; either one or the other, cus switching tenses is kinda not so good. I tried to do the present tense in my story in a very early draft, only to switch it so past tense (said and such) cus it kinda gave people headaches. I switched tenses alot without knowing it, leaning towards past while trying to stay with present, making it look badly written (and my prologue was), so I just scrapped the present tense and stuck to past tense, solving alot of headaches and problems.

Please capitalize things after quotes and phrases. Example: Wrong= "Jim and sally were in the park one day, snatching things of value from people's purses." said Timmy Twotoe. Correct= "Jim and sally were in the park one day, snatching things of value from people's purses." Said Timmy Twotoe. You used 'there' in alot of places where 'their' was needed. This is a common mistake and you shouldnt feel bad about this (Or anything I said or will say), seeing that everybody makes these mistakes.

Commas are your friends; too few and you feel lonely and make the party seem akward, also setting off your agorophobia reactions in this large room. Too many, and the room is overcrowded, making it impossible to think, move, or talk quickly, and also setting off your clostrophobia reacions in the tiny space that the commas have left you. Just enough, and you should know if you do, will make the party fun and enjoyable, not set off any adverse effects, and will make this place a place where fun times are had by all.

The story needs to flow like a calm, well lubricated river, never like a river full of jaggedy rocks and white water rapids. Spend time with the situation, less if the situation is unimportant.

Develop your characters as much as you can, unless it is a minor character, and even then tell us some things about him/her. The main characters get the spotlight and the minors get the radiant light from the background, and the very minor extras only need a name, or if not that just a rough outline.

Overall, your story has a pretty good basic idea, but pulled off kinda odd. My prologue was similar to this when it was first written down at Yabitt (they, er, didnt have very good standards. That, and they lacked a spellchecker. Also, I only had the little reply window. All that, plus I had no experience and I had to do it quickly. All of that unlike now.). Keep on truckin' and you someday might just become one hellova writer! The road to awesome has no teleporters, only bicycles and uphill, which makes the difficult struggle to get there all the more rewarding.

[RunningCat]

I take all advice especially those that is postive and I pretty much have gotten only great advice so far from the great people of this forum. I'm understanding how to make my stories even better.

When I wrote this story I wanted to throw the reader right into the middle and let some of the back story of the characters with 14 main characters and 9 suporting charaters each with there own backgrounds. Or pretty much fleshed out.

[Superlagg]

Er, RunningCat? I cant really finish the editing for this chapter. I have alot of things that need to be done, taking pretty much all of my time. I got a goodish chunk of it done, but I cant really continue. I appologize for this and if I get what I need done sometime soon Il try and edit some more. Im terribly sorry, I have failed you.