Planetfurry BBS

[DomesticWolf]

Here is the begining or intro to the story I've been working on. be warned, it is an internal monologue, and I've been questioning my motives with using such a tool to start off with, but Ive got it written and typed, so I'll see where it goes.

NOTE: Character monologing is human for now. Will become a wolf such as myslef. In fact, character is me, but thats for later.
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"Life's a disease that starts killing you at birth." At least that's what I've been told. Sometimes I believe it... Sometimes I don't know what to believe. The world around me is in a state of upheaval; I am in a state of upheaval. Everything keeps changing, keeps cycling. Sometimes it seems that if I just wait then everything will get better. If I can just survive long enough the world will cycle past this stage of corruption and lies. But mostly, I know that's just false hope. I know my mind is trying to ignore what I don't want, what I can't accept. Change is the most frightening thing to face. Whether for good or bad, it is difficult for everyone. But change is everywhere: change is everything. To resist change is to become stagnant. Stagnancy invites death. To resist change is to ask for death. Soon, I fear, I must embrace the change that comes, or even seek it out where it slumbers.

Already, my life has been turned upside down. I was never well off, but now I have almost nothing. I was chased out of my home with nothing but what I was wearing. One set of clothes, two rings and my spike bracelet is all I have left from that past life. I was chased out of my home, out of the city, out of society. I'm Hounded by people I've never met, from an organization I've never heard of. I expressed my opinions openly for years, and now I am pursued by these nameless men. I repeatedly refused to believe the outrageous bullshit being forced down the throat of the public. So I ran away from it all...

I travel only at night now. It's the only time with a modicum of safety. I am outcast from society because of What I am and what I believe. Hence, I have Isolated myself in order to escape persecution. Now I live outside the world known to most, survive outside the box of normality. Out here, with nature intact, everything is different. Savage is not the word I would use; There is still order and meaning. I can only call it beautiful, this land without men. Even though I am inhibit be my upbringing, I manage to survive on my own. Nature provides everything I need, everything except companionship. But I'm still being hunted. I don't think they'll ever give up.

Why? Why am I so important to these mystery men? Why am I still being chased? I can't go anywhere near the cities or they'll catch me. I've seen through the veil of government and religion, to corruption that is infecting this world. It's a virus more potent and successful than any disease. Because I know this, and because I'm not willing to hide my knowledge, my views, and myself in the cesspool termed 'melting pot' of America, I am hated, even feared! I don't understand why so many people with so much power should fear me. I've had every semblance of power and control stripped from me. I have less than no influence, and still I am chased. I no longer have any contact with society, and still I am hated. I have no wish or will to continue, and yet I am feared. It doesn't make sense! Why don't they just leave me alone out here to die in peace? I wouldn't even be alive now if it weren't for one person... No. They won't leave me to myself. If they keep this up much longer, I wont be able to hide anymore. Soon, I may have to make a stand. Soon, Things may have to change. It's just they are so strong, and I so wea...

"Your fuming again."
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That's what I hve typed so far. At the end is the intro of the first character into the story, and the begining of a dialoge. I have it written, but not into my most recent draft. Shall be forthcoming.

I welcome all critisism an opinions. Likes, dislikes and gramatical corrections. (Hope it's not too large a task for Hikaru. )

I look forward to the responses.

[Quinn]

Although I don't think there's enough here to really critisize ordecide wether this will or will not be an enjoyable story; I must say that with this brief monolog you've created so many questions about your charictor that I want to read more just to have the answers. I enjoyed it and wait eagerly for the next installmetn.

[Vee Are Are Schee]

Okay, s'pretty good. Opens up with a bunch of vague stuff about the character, bringing up a bunch of questions from the get go. I can already, I think, guess where the story is going to an extent, but I'm not going to make any judgement calls until I actually see it.

Thing though: punctuation. Apostrophes, to be precise. wont should be won't (as wont is another word all together); the same with your being you're.

Otherwise, it works well for what it is. Wouldn't mind seeing what he's fuming about...

[Asalis]

prety good read. It deffinitly leaves me asking many questions. I would however like to see more in order for me to make any sort of judgement on it. much lke what Vee Are Are Schee said.

[RenaBhaLL]

I like it a lot--it's ambiguous, but like Quinn says, it works here--it raises a lot of questions, and your character is fascinating enough that I want to know more--also, who's the mystery speaker at the end?

All in all, I like your style and I'm looking forward to the next bit, whenever you get around to writting it

no pressure I write at glacial speeds myself...or rather, only in short bursts with long lag periods in between. oh well

[DomesticWolf]

Heh. You just described my writing style, rena. However, I posted this first tidbit so that I could get some outside encouragment to continue. Worked better than i anticipated.

Vee, that apostraphy thing springs from a bad habit i have of filling in the ' after i write the whole word. It doesnt affect my handwritting any, but it is difficult to type and include them.

Im glad that you all had questions, that was the intent. I figure, from experience in reading myself, that there is no better way to grab a reader than to make sure there are unaswered questions. That way, if you guess right, then the read feels good about having predicted the storyline. A satisfying read. If they had guessed wrong, they are surprised at the outcome, and hopefully find it satisfying as well.

There are a few too many questions left open in this part. I have finished the first chapter. I stayed up all night (4:06 am here now) to finish my final rewrite before the typeup. It should answer enough questions to satisfy your need for answers, but leave enough open to grasp the reader. I guess well see.

Im gonna sleep now, too tired to type straight. In the morning (probably afternoon, if you know what i mean) Ill type up the rest of the chapter and get it posted. Its a bit longer than the last part, so i figure itll take more than 45 minutes to type and check.

Thank you for intrest and encouragment. Its exactly what I needed to remotivate myself (im bad at getting myself moving sometimes. A nice old song named 'longview' comes to mind.)

Good night... er.. morning.

[DomesticWolf]

Here it is, typed in all its glory. That was 4 hours of writing last night, and 2 hours of typing today. I apologise for the lack of spellchecking, my checker is fritzing. But here it is, the completion of chapter 1.

Once again, I welcome any and all critique. And if you still have questions, please ask them. I would like to see if I'm leading it where I think I am. I may even answer, cause i like answering questions!

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"You're fuming again."

Drew turns around quickly, coming eye to eye with the only person he kept in contact with. "You're early, Card," he says plainly. "I wasn't expecting you 'till tomorrow."

"I wouldn't have been able to make it tomorrow," Card replies smoothly. "They've begun watching me more closely since you left. Me and everyone else you've ever known!" She begins to get frustrated ad then sits down with a sigh. "I'm afraid they might come after me, even if they can't prove that we've kept in touch." Card leans against one of the few boulders dotting the hillside, knees folded up to her chest. "You know what would happen then. No one can't not talk! If they take me then they'll find you..."

She is silenced by Drew's arms around her from behind. They sit in silence for a moment before Drew whispers, "I'm sorry, Card. I didn't mean to jump at you." He lets go, fingertips trailing along her arm, as he moves to sit on the same boulder Card is leaning against. "I just don't get it. I don't get you.. Drew says softly while he shades his eyes from the fierce summer sun, staring off over the ocean.

"What do you mean," Card asks, puzzled. "I want to help you, any way that I can. I can't stand the thought of you out here, alone. I'm afraid of what might happen to you. I'm afraid that you might not be there for me..."

"That's not what I meant," Drew says, disheartened.

On the defensive, Card demands, "What then? Why don't you want me to help you? Is that it? Do you hate me too now?"

"NO!" Drew screams, hurt by her attack. "How can I hate you? You're the only one who cares." Drew whispers, more to himself than to Card, "You've done so much for me..."

"What then?" Card yells. "Out with it!"

"You're like me," Drew explains. "You're aware of the corruption. You know about all the lies. You're smarter than anyone I've ever met. I just don't understand why you chose to stay in the city, surrounded by the idiot masses. How can you deny you're knowledge; How can you pretend to be stupid? How can you not be continually disgusted by living with all those, those, APES?!"

"I told you before," Card says, aggravated. "It's my life. It's all I've ever known. I know you would like me to come up here for good," she says in an understanding tone, "but I can't! I just can't."

"That's absurd!" Drew shouts, livid at her. "There is no way you can claim to be alive down there! They watch you all the time, Always! Not a single moment of privacy!?" Upset, Drew gets up and slinks off towards a small grove of oaks.

"HEY!" Card screams as she jumps up from her cradled position. "Where do you think you're going? You can't run away from your troubles! They'll follow you, wherever you go!"

Drew falters in his stride, although only slightly, At his friends hurtful outburst. He continues into the grove despite it. Card throws her arms into the air in frustration and defeat as Drew leaps to the lowest branch on the tallest and oldest oak he can find. "I'll still be here when you come down!" Card yells loud enough to be heard three hilltops away. "I won't let you think you've won so easily. I brought my gear you know!" Drew just continues to climb.
^*^
Why cant it be like old times? Before everything else, just my mother and i. I can remember being happy, when everthing was perfect. Back, before the men, before my brothers. Thats where it all started. Why wasn't I good enough for her? How could she pick those mindless men over me? But she chose, and I was forgotten...

Drew climbs to the highest branch that will support his wieght. With his torso above the treetop, balance easily in the wind, he settles in to watch the sunset. As the sun begins to set, the golden light flows off of the ocean and over the mountains. Drew, With his short brown hair windtossed, stands among the landscape, but not part of it. He appears to be floating int the sky on a cloud of the purest green, like a powerful leader, like a god out of legend. There is an aura around him, an aura that seems to come from within. This inner glow is prominent now, in the fading light. Only now, as twilight aproaches with the setting sun, does Drew seem whole, complete. The last of the light sings a sad farewell, a magnificence of purple and red rarely seen. As twilight engulfs the world around him, Drew become as much a part of natures as the trees and the stones. From his throne, above the trees, he waits until the stars and the moon provide the only source of light. Only then does he notice the gentle flickering light of a fire below, beckoning him to come and share in it's warmth. He climbs down to a lower limb so that he can see the clearing below.

HA! I bet she'd enjoy the irony in this. Of all the places to set up camp, she ends up beneath the same tree I saught refuge with. Why does she think I need her protection, anyway? I don't need her help. I've been an adult since I was ten, when I was forced to raise my young brothers. I'm more capable than the entire city I left behind.

"I wish you'd come back already," Card says just loud enough to be heard. "I'm starting to get lonely down here. And how am supposed to finsh these marshmallows all by myself?"

"Fine! You win!" drew yells, returned to good humor. "It's not like I can turn down fire roasted marshmallow."

Drew climbs down to the bottom branch of the tree, dropping the last 9 feet into the center of Card's camp. "Don't say anything about the fire," Card warns. "I made sure it can't be seen from outside the grove."

"I didn't say anything," Drew returns innocenctly.

"But you would have. I know you," Card acuses. "I could see you thinking it."

"Come on now," Dre sasy as he tackle hugs Card. "Let's not bew that way tonight." He licks her face as he holds her pinned beneath him. "Lets wrassle!"

"You know I don't like you licking my face," Card says playfully as she manages to manuever Drew into a headlock. "Remember, don't go easy on me!"

"But your a g.." Drew's response is strangled short as Card tightens her grip to prove the point. The ferocity of her hold and her skillfull avoidance of the usuall counters leave Drew with only one option. Getting caught up in the moment, Drew grabs Card's head over his shoulder and goes into a foward roll. This brings Card flying over his back to land sprwaled out 3 feet in front of him. "Grrrrrr..." Drew growls deep in his throat as he lowers his center of gravity, waiting for Card to recover.

"Now that's more like it!" Card exclaims, having quickly regained her breath. As Drew circles around her to his right, Card rolls left. She comes up into a run around the firepit, having executed a beuatiful spin to get momentum fast. "You won't catch me that easily!" She taunts, excitedly. They circle around the fire, each keeping the other oposite themselves, waiting for the first move to be made. A log in the fire shifts with a loud POP, providing Card with a distraction to make her move. She feints to her right and turns to come around the left. In anticipation of an attack at the sound, Drew had already begun a charge to his right as Card was begining her feint. Drew dives into card from his run, hitting her on the side as she turns around. They both tumble, Drew in a foward sumersault and Card falling into a ball in a belated attemt to soften the blow. After rolling into a squat, Drew watches Card get up with a new bruise begining to form on her shoulder where she hit the ground.

"You're beating me up good," Card teases. "How could you hit a girl like that?" She stands and moves away from the fire. "You know, that really hurt," she says, rubbing her shoulder while closing the gap to about three feet.

"I'm sorry," Drew says apologetically. He lowers his gaurd alittle, stands up a little bit straighter. "You said not to go easy on you," he continues as Card gets ready to attack.

"Just look at this bruise!" She tells him. A moment later, Card pounces, catching Drew full on in the chest. Drew falls heavily to his back, knocking all the air out of his lungs. He is incapacitated for what seems like an eternity. Card, having landed on Drew's chest, bends down close and slowly drags her tounge across his face, leaving a trail of glistening saliva. The next instant she jumps up and moves to put the fire back between them. "How do you like it, huh?" she taunts as Drew regains his footing and some of his breath.

"That was a dirty trick," Drew complains through a wheeze, still slightly short on air. He begins circling the fire again, quickly regaining his lost strength, as well as the last of his breath.

"I told you not to go easy on me," Card tells him in an overly smug tone. "It's not my fault you don't know how to listen," she continues with a smile. Both of them circling the fire again, she chuckles to herself. "The look on your facewhen you thought I was really hurt was classic! Hilarious!"

Thinking to catch her off gaurd and distracted, Drew starts into a clockwise run around the fire. "I'll tell you agian, then. It won't be so easy to catch me!" Card laughs haltingly as the continue their dance around the fire. As Card finishes her tirade, Drew makes a lunge for her, aiming to grab her legs. He falls pitifuly short, getting a mouthful of dirt, an eyeful of ahs and a fistful of embarasment. Drew is visibly angery at his own lack of control, agitated that he let himself be goaded into an attack. He gets up onto one knee, both hands on the ground for balance, as he shakes the dust from his hair. "That was great!" Card screams as she begins to laugh uncontrollably. Drew simply looks coldy at her, keeping to his lowered position. Card begins to lauh even harder. "Are you growling at me? You're actually growling at me!"

And he was. Drew hadn't even noticed it, but he was definately grwoling at Card. He stops as soon as realizes he is doing it. However, the shock of his instinctual growling doesn't lessen his focus in the least. While Card is still disabled with laughter, Drew moves into a better position to move fast. He grabs a stone off the ground and tosses it into the fire. The stone causes the entire fire to shift, providing, in an instant, an enormous amount of oxygen for the fire to feed on. The flames leap up six feet high. The massive amount of heat produced startles Card out of her laughter, the light blinding her in the night. Drew leaps blindly through the flames, pouncing towards the spot where Card was standing before. Drew soars through the fire, appearing like a demon from hell, and flys into Card. Finally caught completely of gaurd, Card doesn't have time to put up even atoken defense before drew crashes into her. They both roll a good distance from the fire, each struggling to get and keep the upperhand. After what seems like ages of wrestling, Neither manages to keep the upperhand in this battle of submission. In this, at least, the two are equally matched in their exhaustion.

Finally, after another five minutes of rolling in the dirt, both collapse together on a carpet of fallen leaves and crushed grass. They lie in a crumpled mass, unseprably entangled. Fifteen feet from the fire, which is now dying down. They sleep the contented sleep of exhaustion and instinctual happiness.

[Asalis]

Wow! Exelent work DW. Where have I heard that nickname before. Anyway keep up the great work. I'm still wondering what they're taking about though.

[DomesticWolf]

Crap. Thats the whole chapter! Give me a more specific question, asalis. I had thought that there were some answers in there. Maybe I hid them too deep though. I always think a bit to much about things.

I dont know if I managed to stop myself here, but I do have a problem with trying to pack too much information into a single sentance. I tried so hard to get out of that, but, ya.

[Asalis]

Sorry I tend to be vague sometimes without knowing it. Its more or less about what it is they know the truth about. Of course knowing myself i'm probablly thinking too hard on the subject when it's might be more simple than I think it is to figure out. All in all an exelent story.

[DomesticWolf]

Ever read Brave new world? Its like a big brother sort of thing. that is the 'they'. Maybe I expected that to be too widely known a concept. I might find a way to work that info in there somewhere. Did you have any unaswered questions other than that?

[Asalis]

Oh of course the big brother thing, Knew i was thinking too hard. Anyway I noticed some conflict there with card. She knows the truth yet doesn't want to leave all she knows behind. And Drew wan't her to stay with him. Keeping that in mind I'm beginning to wonder where this story will head next. Would "they" use her to get to him I wonder. The answer seems most likely. but how would "they" go about doing it. I'd love to see more. Its not often I read a big brother kinda story.

[DomesticWolf]

Actually, Ill let you all in on a little secret. Now that Ive introduced this great character, card, Drew is gonna run off. You might have wondered why the whole argument seems so new to the characters while they are obviously close for a while. Well, Drew brought it all up as he intends to leave the next morning, with or without Card. Drew has got some major issues to work out, mostly with who and what he is and is not.

Im just not at all sure how I want to go about this next portion or what Information I'm going to throw in. Not at all. This road block is why I never got as far as posting it up here long ago. Now with some motivtion, I think Ill figure out out before another couple months fly by, i hope.

[Asalis]

I'm having a similar problem with one of my stories though it takes a more political turn. Hence my problem and the writers block.