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shroom
Registered User
Joined: 01 Feb 2004
Posts: 43
Location: Basement - Portland, OR USA
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 Posted: Sat Aug 07, 2004 1:36 am Post subject: Tour of duty - 18 pages of fresh meat |
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About two weeks ago, I finally got around to reading Cirrels 'Riders of the Mind', and the current portion of 'Wilderhom'. He is quite the writer.
In my comments to him on another thread, I wrote this:
| shroom wrote: |
I'd love to read a story about the Wilderhom tourism departments problems, maybe with a travel brochure? |
Did I say read? I meant write..
I kept thinking about it, and got rather inspired.
Cirrel gave me permission to take a stab at this, and was kind and supportive, and constructively critical. Its been edited somewhat, so hopefully there are no spelling glitches, and minimal gramatical problems.
Tour of Duty - Open Office Format - 18 pages - 31 KB
http://www.abysmalstudios.com/files/Tour%20of%20duty%2008-06.sxw
Tour of Duty - Microsoft Word format - 18 pages - 137KB
http://www.abysmalstudios.com/files/Tour%20of%20duty%2008-06.doc
This is everything I have so far, and it doesn't end there. I have some further ideas, but I figured getting feedback into the workflow as soon as possible was the better plan.
Anyhow, I want all the feedback you can give me. Just "I like it" or "I don't like it" doesn't help. Whats good, that I can focus on and continue? Whats wrong with it?
I'm aware it isn't a particuarly great overall plot yet, even though it is a partial work, what can I do to make the exisitng work more interesting?
Tear it to shreds, I dare you! 
And for those that want a direct commenting sample I'll cut and paste a couple pages here. I also love chatting to you people, so I'll be adding my IM contact info to my profile directly. It is my prefered contact method.
----------------------------------------------------
Tour of Duty
By Colin Dabritz
A tale set in the Wilderhom universe, tandem to 'Riders of the Mind' by Philip James Eggerding
Wilderhom universe, Reina Lefenor, Elliot Bothal, Jayson Solomane (C) Philip James Eggerding, used with permission
Archie Renquest, Samuel Grisham, Keith, Jessibelle, Tom, Tera, Maru (C) Colin Dabritz
Special thanks to Cirrel, For permission, support, and editing.
To: Archie Renquest
Head of Tourism - Wilderhom
From: Samuel Grisham
Transworld Tourism Coordinator
Good news Archie! The committee has decided not to dissolve your position.
"Damn it all to HELL!" Archie cursed under his breath, slamming his fist on his desk. He read further, more out of morbid curiosity than any real desire to.
Transworld feels that even with the recent attacks and high tensions that there is still money to be had on Wilderhom, and we'll need your skills as much as ever. Your increased budget request from last month was formally denied yesterday.
Archie rolled his eyes, and put another tick mark on the wall, next to so many others. "So what else is new" he mused.
I've always had great faith in your creativity, and I'm sure you will be able to persevere. Its what you do best.
-Your friend
Sam
He couldn't believe this. He looked around the closet that passed for his office on this backwater world. Shabby, worn down, gritty even. He wasn't sure if he was regarding himself, or the room. It looked like they were going to be together for a good while longer. Earlier in the week he'd received the first glimmer of hope in far too long when he discovered that the Tourism board was considering removing the tourism position from this colony all together. The recent attacks had made his crummy job a joke. No one wanted to travel to hostile territory for sightseeing. The board thought to remove his position, and bring him back into the fold. But no, that would have been too sensible. Head of tourism? It made it sound important, like he had a staff, like there was someone else to share the burden with, but it was only him. At least he didn't need to have meetings.
Archie leaned back and pulled out a bottle of fine rum from his desk drawer, along with a small shot glass. He regarded it slowly. He usually had a shot whenever his budgets were denied, which was quite regularly, but this time was supposed to be different. He could still taste the victory toast. As he poured the glass, it seemed to slip away from him, and the routine came rushing back all at once. "Cheers," he said, upending the shot.
---------
Archie was brooding on his way home, which he found very unusual. Perhaps it was that his dashed hopes were worse than having no hope at all. Before, he had simply accepted his position, as bad as it was. It was a living. He was paid reasonably, although not well. Not all branches had 'undesirable duty pay', a few had 'Opportunities'. Some opportunity this turned out to be. He looked around, as he often did, trying to see what a potential tourist was supposed to see in this place. The air was still clean, compared to the cities on Old Earth. It was better than he usually did. He turned around and was surprised to find a man standing there in a Jacket bearing the symbol of the Labor Pool.
"Hi, I'm from the Wilderhom Human Security Group," said the man, trying to sound cheerful. "If you have a minute, we have a petition we'd like to show you."
Archie knew that rouse all too well. This man was sick and tired of the routine, even though he couldn't have been doing this for very long. It was Archie's business to know about these kinds of things, after all.
"What have you got?"
"After the recent attacks, we feel that keeping more than the essential personnel here is unsafe, and we would like to abandon Wilderhom as a colony planet."
If only it were that easy, thought Archie. As he read over the petition he saw how serious the matter was. He would have signed it, if only it wasn't for his damnable work ethic. The same reason that Sam thought Archie enjoyed his position here. He never let on.
"I'm sorry, but I can't sign this," he replied, cringing slightly. "It would be bad for business."
"But, sir, this is our only means of effecting change and protecting ourselves, you should think of the other people stationed here instead of only yourself."
But Archie was thinking about anyone but himself. Colonization wasn't going as fast as it could, and there were horrendous expenses incurred in supplying new worlds. Trans-World needed the higher margin businesses to take up the slack, and he wasn't about to let them down.
"I have, thank you." He spat at the man, who didn't seem to notice or care, but moved across the street, nearly getting run over by someone with two parallel white streaks in his hair.
He probably gets paid by the signature anyway, thought Archie.
------
"Evenin' honey." Greeted a portly woman, behind the front counter at the hotel.
"Hi Jess. Hows business," Archie replied, hanging his blue and purple jacket on the coat rack. Her full name was Jessibelle, which he thought was a pretty name though far too formal.
"About as good as yours, I expect," she replied leaning on the desk. That wasn't saying much. Jessibelle ran the major hotel on the embassy. Of course, the embassy itself had official quarters for the official guests, which meant she was left with the rest - mostly tourists. So, when she said she was doing as well as Archie, it was about as true as it came - and Archie wasn't doing very well.
"Sorry to hear that." he apologized, pocketing his hands, and shuffling over to the counter dejectedly. Jessibelle ran one of the few local human businesses that relied on tourism as it's main source of income. She had a pretty close business relationship with Archie, which included renting him a room at a third the normal rate, even though it was a half-sized room - a quirk of the building's location and architecture really. So, renting it to someone was much better than renting it to no one.
"Hey, it isn't your fault. You do a really great job. Its just that the situation is killing business," she reminded him. Archie did take some reminding from time to time. He liked to internalize problems.
"Miss?" Asked a man, coming down the stairs.
"What can I do for you Tom?" she replied, suddenly cheerful.
"Me and Marry need to schedule a transport off-world. We've decided to leave earlier than we had expected. We're concerned about the recent hostilities," he explained, apologetically, continuing down the stairs.
Jess briefly looked stricken, but quickly turned to her business guile. "Oh, I wouldn't worry about it. Just give it a couple of days and it will blow over. Meanwhile, there are plenty of interesting things to do around here. In fact, right here, happens to be our very own head of tourism, I'm sure he has some great ideas!" she exclaimed enthusiastically, turning to Archie.
Archie froze.
"Uh.. well.. There's.. um.." he sputtered drawing a complete blank.
"I think office hours are over," Jess added, laughing.
Archie gave her a stern look. "Well, the construction on the new cultural center is almost done. It's scheduled to open next week with an exhibit on the history of Wilderhom," he offered. He had contributed quite a bit to it. Knowing things like that was helpful in his line of work. Besides, he had experienced much of it first hand. "I think I could arrange for special pre-opening tour, I know the new director."
"Thats a kind offer. Maybe another time. We've already made the decision, I'm sorry," Tom stated, staring intently at the pen he was playing with on the front counter.
"Well, I'm sorry to have you go," said Jess, always the business woman.
"Theres a 10 AM transport tomorrow morning, I'll give them a call for you," Said Archie. He knew the departing shuttle schedules by heart now. Not out of his usual perfectionists attention to detail, but because he seemed to be using them more and more. "Hopefully you'll visit again under better circumstances."
"Thanks a lot, And I appreciate your help," Tom said, relieved. "My Wife and I are going to go for a walk on our last evening here," he added, before he turned and left.
Archie thumbed his TelCom in an all too familiar routine, and booked two seats on tomorrows shuttle. "What are we going do Jess?" he asked, looking at her through tired eyes.
"Well, How about you come to my room and I'll cook some dinner for us," she replied, taking him by surprise. "Still gotta eat you know. One day at time I say."
"Thanks," Archie finally responded. He was somewhat stunned. Jess was usually the business woman, and even though they were on friendly terms, she usually kept things on a professional level. She had cooked for him before, but usually brought it to him in his room, when he needed to be cheered up. Maybe he wasn't the only one in need of some cheer.
-------
Thanks for reading, thanks for the feedback. I also love chatting to you people, so I'll be adding my IM contact info to my profile directly. It is my prefered contact method. |
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shroom
Registered User
Joined: 01 Feb 2004
Posts: 43
Location: Basement - Portland, OR USA
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| Posted: Sat Aug 07, 2004 1:47 am Post subject: |
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| I should mention, that if someone wanted to comment on the entire thing, doing it in your favorite word processor, with 'track changes' enabled makes it much easier. Cirrel showed me that little trick. |
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