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A snippet of "Feline Destiny"
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Tygon
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PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2004 5:10 pm    Post subject: A snippet of "Feline Destiny" Reply with quote

I just might as well give it a try.

This is a small part of chapter 7 of my story "Feline Destiny" [go to my site if you're interested to read the story from the beginning) and one I'm rather proud of. It contains some background info for this sci-fi setting and I personally love this stuff in stories.


###

Down in the parking lot Victoria advised her TU to take her to the Skybelt Terminal and then leaned back. The drive was uneventful and the Maine Coon Cat just listened to some music on the way. About 20 minutes later the computer notified her that they had reached the Skybelt Terminal. Victoria looked up through the roof window of the TU and gazed at the pillar-like structure.

The Skybelt was, just like the Weather Control and Traffic Central, an artifact, a relic of older times. The network of high-speed monorail lines that rested 300 meters above the ground on monolithic pillars was a mass transit system like no other. Where on other continents short range planes were used for transportation, North America could rely entirely on the Skybelt, yet it was incredibly old. If the legends were true, then it was built even before the Federation had been founded. The construction was so massive that neither time nor the wars of the past centuries were able to do any significant damage to it. Solarcollectors and windmills at the pillars provided the Skybelt with more than enough power, making the system totally self-sufficient.

Nowadays it was something of a miracle for the scientists. Building something like that seemed to be statistically impossible, and they didn’t dare to take the Skybelt apart, fearing they wouldn’t be able to put it back together. So the huge transit system remained hovering over their heads, constantly reminding the furs of North America that they once could do much more than was possible today.

To Victoria the Skybelt was just one gigantic irony. Created by furkind, it was many times as old as the Empire but nobody knew how it worked anymore. Oh yes, an irony like few others. A very convenient one though.

The Transporting Unit drove into one of the Terminal’s many docking stations. The TU’s computer linked to the Terminal, telling the Skybelt’s own computer system who the passenger was. Since Victoria’s trip was already booked and paid for, everything was done very quickly. Her luggage was automatically removed from the TU and brought to the train separately. Victoria left the TU to the other side. The vehicle left the docking station on its own and returned to Victoria’s home where it would wait for the feline’s request to pick her up when she returned.

Victoria herself walked though the hallway of the Skybelt Terminal with countless other passengers until she reached the lifts. A fur in the uniform of the Skybelt personnel checked her ticket and directed her to the correct lift. The high-speed elevators brought her and a few other passengers in a matter of seconds from the ground up to the train levels. Up here the passengers could access the many trains, since the Skybelt didn’t just consist of a single monorail line, but up to 30 of them, packed in a tight construction. Up here another fur took a look at Victoria’s ticket and directed her to her train. Since her travel was relatively short, it was only a small train and it wasn’t even fully booked out. The Maine Coon Cat settled down in her seat and a few minutes later, perfectly on time, the train departed.

Travel on the Skybelt was very pleasant. With the train gliding smoothly on its electromagnetic field it was very much like flying but much more energy efficient. The train itself was outfitted with very comfortable seats and all kinds of entertainment equipment, beginning with soft music from speakers hidden in the seat to the screen which extended from the wall of the cabin and gave her access to the latest news as well as a huge database of movies. In the larger trains used for longer distances there was also an onboard restaurant. When she looked out of her window Victoria had a breathtaking view of the landscape passing by 300 meters under her.

Only a few minutes after departure the monorail had reached its nominal travel speed of 820 kilometers per hour. At that speed it needed only about 40 minutes to arrive at its destination. Victoria spent most of that time either listening to some music or studying the file on the case she had to investigate.

Arrival was very much like departure. Victoria left the train and passed through the controls where a fur in Skybelt uniform checked her ticket and directed her to the correct elevator. Down on the ground level there was another control point were the Maine Coon Cat was surprised by the Skybelt fur when she was told to go directly to docking point 84. There was obviously already a Transporting Unit waiting for her. Victoria wouldn’t have thought that the ICI would provide her with such luxury, but she wasn’t going to complain about it. The feline settled down in the TU and told the computer to bring her to the Columbus Spaceport.

###

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PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2004 8:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

MORE!! MORE!! MORE!! MORE!! MORE!! MORE!! MORE!! MORE!!

This is really good. keep going i want to continue reading this new chapter. and i am sure many of your friends here agree with me.

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PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2004 10:27 pm    Post subject: Re: A snippet of "Feline Destiny" Reply with quote

OK. This is pretty good stuff. Reading through it the first time, I didn't spot a lot that screamed for help, so expect me to trim it down to just the stuff that I think needs to be addressed.

Tygon wrote:
Down in the parking lot Victoria advised her TU to take her to the Skybelt Terminal and then leaned back. The drive was uneventful and the Maine Coon Cat just listened to some music on the way. About 20 minutes later the computer notified her that they had reached the Skybelt Terminal. Victoria looked up through the roof window of the TU and gazed at the pillar-like structure.

OK. I've got to ask why you're capitalizing Main Coon Cat. Is it a title or formal name? Sorry, I've not kept up with your story so far, but need to ask.

Tygon wrote:
The Skybelt was, just like the Weather Control and Traffic Central: an artifact. A relic of older times. The network of high-speed monorail lines that rested 300 meters above the ground on monolithic pillars was a mass transit system like no other. Where on other continents short range planes were used for transportation, North America could rely entirely on the Skybelt, yet it was incredibly old. If the legends were true, then it was built even before the Federation had been founded. The construction was so massive that neither time nor the wars of the past centuries were able to do any significant damage to it. Solarcollectors and windmills at the pillars provided the Skybelt with more than enough power, making the system totally self-sufficient.

OK. I used a colon there because you're making a comparison. They're linked, but not linked. Either a color or simi colon could be used there, but generally I've seen (and use myself) a colon. I changed your comma to a perriod to help epmphasize the comparison.

Tygon wrote:
Nowadays it was something of a miracle for the scientists. Building something like that seemed to be statistically impossible, and they didn’t dare to take the Skybelt apart, fearing they wouldn’t be able to put it back together. So the huge transit system remained hovering over their heads, constantly reminding the furs of North America that they once could do much more than was possible today.

The words "statistically impossible" I don't think really apply here. They would apply to a semi-random act such as say, evolution, rolling two hundred 7's in a row at craps or some other event like that. This sounds more like and ENGINEERING impossibility. Something like how they built the piramids without the help of powered machinery.

Tygon wrote:
To Victoria the Skybelt was just one gigantic irony. Created by furkind, it was many times as old as the Empire but nobody knew how it worked anymore. Oh yes, an irony like few others. A very convenient one though.

I don't think you're looking for irony. Dictionary.com defines irony as "The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning." I think the word you might be looking for is a connundrum: A paradoxical, insoluble, or difficult problem; a dilemma.

Irony would be something along the line of "Bob refused to eat donuts because they weren't healthy. Who knew that they contained a cure to the poison he'd been injected with and would actually have saved his life." Now that's irony! Smile

Tygon wrote:
The Transporting Unit pulled into one of the Terminal’s many docking stations. The TU’s computer linked to the Terminal, telling the Skybelt’s own computer system who the passenger was. Since Victoria’s trip was already booked and paid for, everything was done very quickly. Her luggage was automatically removed from the TU and brought to the train separately. Victoria left the TU to the other side. The vehicle left the docking station on its own and returned to Victoria’s home where it would wait for the feline’s request to pick her up when she returned.

Drove vs Pulled - You drive a vehicle. A driver pulls into something. From the sound of it, she's the passenger in an automated vehicle which would make it a pull.

Tygon wrote:
Victoria herself walked though the hallway of the Skybelt Terminal along with countless other passengers until she reached the lifts. A fur in the uniform of the Skybelt personnel checked her ticket and directed her to the correct lift. The high-speed elevators brought her and a few other passengers in a matter of seconds from the ground up to the train levels. Up here the passengers could access the many trains, since the Skybelt didn’t just consist of a single monorail line, but up to 30 of them, packed in a tight construction. Up here another fur took a look at Victoria’s ticket and directed her to her train. Since her travel was relatively short, it was only a small train and it wasn’t even fully booked out. The Maine Coon Cat settled down in her seat and a few minutes later, perfectly on time, the train departed.

Technically nothing wrong with here. I just added the "along" for readibility and to smoothe out the sentance.

Tygon wrote:
Travel on the Skybelt was very pleasant. With the train gliding smoothly on its electromagnetic field it was very much like flying but much more energy efficient. The train itself was outfitted with very comfortable seats and all kinds of entertainment equipment, beginning with soft music from speakers hidden in the seat to the screen which extended from the wall of the cabin and gave her access to the latest news as well as a huge database of movies. In the larger trains used for longer distances there was also an onboard restaurant. When she looked out of her window Victoria had a breathtaking view of the landscape passing by 300 meters under her.

Only a few minutes after departure the monorail had reached its nominal travel speed of 820 kilometers per hour. At that speed it needed only about 40 minutes to arrive at its destination. Victoria spent most of that time either listening to some music or studying the file on the case she had to investigate.

Arrival was very much like departure. Victoria left the train and passed through the controls where a fur in Skybelt uniform checked her ticket and directed her to the correct elevator. Down on the ground level there was another control point were the Maine Coon Cat was surprised by the Skybelt fur when she was told to go directly to docking point 84. There was obviously already a Transporting Unit waiting for her. Victoria wouldn’t have thought that the ICI would provide her with such luxury, but she wasn’t going to complain about it. The feline settled down in the TU and told the computer to bring her to the Columbus Spaceport.

###

Great job! The last few paragraphs didn't have any real problems with them that I can nit-pick.

Over all, a bang-up job.

Cheers

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Hutch
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PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2004 8:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shadu,

If you read what Tygon says at the beginning, you can pick out that this is actually a snippet from chapter 7 of 'Feline Destiny', which, as he had convieniently pointed out, is on his website found here, and not a new chapter.

Though I don't blame you for thinking it is a new chapter, since the last one was quite some time ago...*hint, hint* Wink

Hutch

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PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2004 10:36 am    Post subject: Re: A snippet of "Feline Destiny" Reply with quote

Meh, most of the errors I actually found myself today when I was reading through the chapters at work... my English is still far from being perfect and I'm working on it.

Reading through my early writings nowadays makes me want to puke.

Oh well, that's why I don't edit my stories myself.

However, I'm more looking for feedback on the content, not the spelling and grammar. English isn't my native language, so I have an excuse for bad spelling and grammar.

Hikaru wrote:
OK. I've got to ask why you're capitalizing Main Coon Cat. Is it a title or formal name? Sorry, I've not kept up with your story so far, but need to ask.


Well, it is the name of the race, that's why I capitalized it.

Hikaru wrote:
I don't think you're looking for irony. Dictionary.com defines irony as "The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning." I think the word you might be looking for is a connundrum: A paradoxical, insoluble, or difficult problem; a dilemma.

Irony would be something along the line of "Bob refused to eat donuts because they weren't healthy. Who knew that they contained a cure to the poison he'd been injected with and would actually have saved his life." Now that's irony! Smile


Seems like the definition of 'irony' is country-specific.

Otherwise, yes, I know that is has been a while... for Feline Destiny it's been over a year since the last update. For the rest of my stories even more... maybe some day...

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PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2004 11:30 am    Post subject: Re: A snippet of "Feline Destiny" Reply with quote

Tygon wrote:
Meh, most of the errors I actually found myself today when I was reading through the chapters at work... my English is still far from being perfect and I'm working on it.

I realize that, and I didn't take it into account. I nit picked on you just like I would anyone who had english for a first language. You did good. Doesn't mean you can't do better, though.

I wasn't picking on your command of the language. I was pointing out percieved errors incase you were unaware of them.

Tygon wrote:
Reading through my early writings nowadays makes me want to puke.

Yep. I know the feeling. I'm the same way with Act 1 of IC.

Tygon wrote:
Oh well, that's why I don't edit my stories myself.

Really? I plan on going back and re-writing Act 1 to bring it up to spec.

Tygon wrote:
However, I'm more looking for feedback on the content, not the spelling and grammar. English isn't my native language, so I have an excuse for bad spelling and grammar.

*nods* Having not read the rest of the story yet, I'm not going to comment on the plot other than to say it's an interesting premise. I do have a problem with a transport system that's so old nobody knows how it was made or how to maintain it. Things wear out. Everything. Even electronics. There has to be some form of maintenance or things start to break down. Even if it had an auto-repair system, what repairs that system?

THAT SAID!!! This did not hang my willing disbelief from the rafters! Far from it. The chapter was chocked full of great content.

Tygon wrote:
Hikaru wrote:
OK. I've got to ask why you're capitalizing Main Coon Cat. Is it a title or formal name? Sorry, I've not kept up with your story so far, but need to ask.


Well, it is the name of the race, that's why I capitalized it.

You normally don't capitalize the name of a species in (American) English. It makes it sound like a first person pro-noun. Smile

Tygon wrote:
Hikaru wrote:
I don't think you're looking for irony. Dictionary.com defines irony as "The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning." I think the word you might be looking for is a connundrum: A paradoxical, insoluble, or difficult problem; a dilemma.

Irony would be something along the line of "Bob refused to eat donuts because they weren't healthy. Who knew that they contained a cure to the poison he'd been injected with and would actually have saved his life." Now that's irony! Smile


Seems like the definition of 'irony' is country-specific.

Possibly. I was just going by the dictionary deffinition. Smile

Tygon wrote:
Otherwise, yes, I know that is has been a while... for Feline Destiny it's been over a year since the last update. For the rest of my stories even more... maybe some day...

It sounds like a good story. You might think about picking it back up.

This is great work and that's without taking into account you're not native to english.

Cheers

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PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2004 1:16 pm    Post subject: Re: A snippet of "Feline Destiny" Reply with quote

Hikaru wrote:
Tygon wrote:
Hikaru wrote:
OK. I've got to ask why you're capitalizing Main Coon Cat. Is it a title or formal name? Sorry, I've not kept up with your story so far, but need to ask.


Well, it is the name of the race, that's why I capitalized it.

You normally don't capitalize the name of a species in (American) English. It makes it sound like a first person pro-noun. Smile


BTW, it's Maine coon cat. On the question of capitalization, I had to check the online style guides. The rule seems to be that words that make up breed names should not be capitalized except when they are (or are derived from) proper nouns. Since Maine is a state, 'Maine' is capitalized, while 'coon cat' is not. Some more examples: German shepherd, cocker spaniel, Dalmatian, beagle, old English sheepdog.

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PostPosted: Tue May 25, 2004 2:19 pm    Post subject: Re: A snippet of "Feline Destiny" Reply with quote

Thanks for the stuff with the capital letters. I'll try to keep it in mind.

Hikaru wrote:
I wasn't picking on your command of the language. I was pointing out percieved errors incase you were unaware of them.


I know, I know. I didn't mean to imply that. Just wanted to mention it.

Hikaru wrote:
Really? I plan on going back and re-writing Act 1 to bring it up to spec.


Yes, really. As I so often say, English isn't my native language. Ergo it only makes sense to get some editors. Of course, I try to make as few errors as possible, but

Regarding re-writing the old stuff, maybe some day when and if any of these stories should ever get finished.

Hikaru wrote:
*nods* Having not read the rest of the story yet, I'm not going to comment on the plot other than to say it's an interesting premise. I do have a problem with a transport system that's so old nobody knows how it was made or how to maintain it. Things wear out. Everything. Even electronics. There has to be some form of maintenance or things start to break down. Even if it had an auto-repair system, what repairs that system?


That's part of the entire idea. Showed how utterly advanced the Skybelt is compared to the technology of the Empire. Of course they are able to do some basic maintenance but regarding most higher functions the Empire's scentists and engineers are at a loss how the Skybelt works.

Hikaru wrote:
THAT SAID!!! This did not hang my willing disbelief from the rafters! Far from it. The chapter was chocked full of great content.


Thanks. As I said, it's one of the few things I've written that I'm actually proud of.

Hikaru wrote:
It sounds like a good story. You might think about picking it back up.


I'm thinking about that with all my stories. And that's exactly my problem. Literally too much to write and too little time (and/or motivation)

Hikaru wrote:
This is great work and that's without taking into account you're not native to english.


Thank you very much.

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PostPosted: Wed May 26, 2004 12:22 am    Post subject: Re: A snippet of "Feline Destiny" Reply with quote

mwalimu wrote:
Hikaru wrote:
Tygon wrote:
Hikaru wrote:
OK. I've got to ask why you're capitalizing Main Coon Cat. Is it a title or formal name? Sorry, I've not kept up with your story so far, but need to ask.


Well, it is the name of the race, that's why I capitalized it.

You normally don't capitalize the name of a species in (American) English. It makes it sound like a first person pro-noun. Smile


BTW, it's Maine coon cat. On the question of capitalization, I had to check the online style guides. The rule seems to be that words that make up breed names should not be capitalized except when they are (or are derived from) proper nouns. Since Maine is a state, 'Maine' is capitalized, while 'coon cat' is not. Some more examples: German shepherd, *beep* spaniel, Dalmatian, beagle, old English sheepdog.


*G* So I've been wrong, in the breed name it just seems so pretentious that I've not been capitalizing it either. I'm going to continue that, I don't feel like going back in and changing things.

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PostPosted: Wed May 26, 2004 12:24 am    Post subject: Re: A snippet of "Feline Destiny" Reply with quote

Tygon wrote:

Hikaru wrote:
It sounds like a good story. You might think about picking it back up.


I'm thinking about that with all my stories. And that's exactly my problem. Literally too much to write and too little time (and/or motivation)


And I'm going to be adding to that pile as soon as Mike finishes checking over my edit of the one you sent me some time ago.

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PostPosted: Wed May 26, 2004 10:07 am    Post subject: Re: A snippet of "Feline Destiny" Reply with quote

Cateagle wrote:
And I'm going to be adding to that pile as soon as Mike finishes checking over my edit of the one you sent me some time ago.


I'm not sure if I should thank or curse you Wink

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PostPosted: Wed May 26, 2004 8:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hutch wrote:
Shadu,

If you read what Tygon says at the beginning, you can pick out that this is actually a snippet from chapter 7 of 'Feline Destiny', which, as he had convieniently pointed out, is on his website found here, and not a new chapter.

Though I don't blame you for thinking it is a new chapter, since the last one was quite some time ago...*hint, hint* Wink

Hutch


I wont say its not what you intended to point out up here Hutch cause yes i do want to read more of this. though i must also enphasize (correct spelling?) that i've been bothering Ty Alot Rolling Eyes trying to get him back to writing. if i had something to do with his slow (but good) comeback i don't know, but i won't stop encuraging him. i won't let his muse go away again. Very Happy

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PostPosted: Thu May 27, 2004 1:12 am    Post subject: Re: A snippet of "Feline Destiny" Reply with quote

Tygon wrote:
Cateagle wrote:
And I'm going to be adding to that pile as soon as Mike finishes checking over my edit of the one you sent me some time ago.


I'm not sure if I should thank or curse you Wink


Wait until you've seen the markups, you may feel like doing both. Seriously, the basic material is good, very good; I did a spot of tweaking on the tech and, in one place, some dialog where I was familiar with what would be going on. This is done in the Review function of Word so you can evaluate each change and accept or reject it without having to retype things.

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PostPosted: Thu May 27, 2004 9:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I expected that there would be some problems with the tech...

Just one thing, Catagle and Mike. Please don't give away details about my writing projects, okay? Thanks.

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Last edited by Tygon on Sat May 29, 2004 3:49 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Thu May 27, 2004 12:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shadu wrote:
I wont say its not what you intended to point out up here Hutch cause yes i do want to read more of this. though i must also enphasize (correct spelling?) that i've been bothering Ty Alot Rolling Eyes


You have?

Shadu wrote:
trying to get him back to writing. if i had something to do with his slow (but good) comeback i don't know, but i won't stop encuraging him. i won't let his muse go away again. Very Happy


Well, thanks. I can use some encouragement.

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