Planetfurry BBS Forum Index Planetfurry BBS
Forums for Planetfurry Site Members and more
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   DonateDonate   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

two new stories in the works
Goto page 1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Planetfurry BBS Forum Index -> Writer's Guild
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Shadu
Registered User


Joined: 21 May 2003
Posts: 336
Location: Barranquilla

PostPosted: Sun May 23, 2004 10:21 pm    Post subject: two new stories in the works Reply with quote

Well following the advice of a good friend i'm postin here in the hopes of getting some critics to the two stories im currently trying to write. they being my first non self destructing works are slow going since im trying my best not to block them up. now i don't know if you would like me to post them here or if you prefer for me to mail them to you. now i work a bit on them evrey few days so i gess an update takes something like a month or so, and its not really that much (only a page or two). But if anyone is interested please feel free to post here any comments you might have.

for now however i'll post here what i have of thelatest of the two stories. no title yet just a small name to keep it hidden from prying eyes here at home.

_________________
__________________
New Dog In Town!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Shadu
Registered User


Joined: 21 May 2003
Posts: 336
Location: Barranquilla

PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2004 2:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Following an advice given in one of the topics here i'll post the story here as well for you too quote if needed with the coments.

here it is

HS1(for now... Cool )

A blur of movement betrays the otherwise tranquil night in the forest. Six large shadows speed across the forest floor at an unrelenting pace. Small hand gestures and growls can be heard and seen from one of them as he leads the speeding group through the dense forest looking for a place to hide from their pursuers. Their desperation leads them to a clearing and once in the center the leader calls for a halt. A large 7.5 feet tall Light gray werewolf turns to the rest of his pack. “They are still coming. I don’t think we’ll be able to out run them for much longer.” He managed to say between breaths. A female black werewolf steps closer to him and puts an arm around his waist. “We managed to make it here I will not give up. I have to hand it to them though, they are persistent.” Removing her arm slowly as to not offend her he looks at her. Watching her sadly nod he returns his eyes to the rest of the pack. “They’ll be here soon. I want all of you to disperse and hide. I’ll keep them here. I won’t let them touch anyone in my pack. “ The four previously quiet members started protesting but were quieted when the bushes on the forest behind them started to make noises. A few seconds later a whole squadron of black dressed people ran out to the clearing quickly assuming firing positions. The Silver werewolf turned to his pack, seeing only despair. “NOW RUN!!!” he shouted and his pack though startled followed his command running into the forest away from the now firing soldiers while their lieder used his body as a wall to protect them from the fire. The soldiers stopped firing after a while and the remaining wolf man stood on his feet for a few seconds before he shook himself of. The injuries were already healing some already done and after a mad glare he dashed forwards the soldiers growling fiercely. “YOU LEAVE MY PACK ALONE YOU BASTARDS!!!” he shouted while he approached the front lines clawing away at the soldiers who tried unsuccessfully to bring down the giant wolf. Before he got to the main groups though a man walked to the front carrying a silver painted dart rifle. Taking aim at the oncoming monster he calmly pulled the trigger. The oncoming furious streak of silver was unable to avoid the silver tipped dart approaching his midsection. His rushed roll to the let only succeeded in moving the target of the dart from his stomach to his right arm were the dart stuck itself releasing the contents within it. The effects of the silver in both the substance and the point of the dart made the tranquilizing effects work at an increased rate not allowing the silver werewolf to get up and soon left him unconscious were he ended the roll.

From afar the five remaining pack members watched as their leader was strapped and loaded into some kind of ground vehicle. The black alpha female turned to the rest and with tears in her eyes gave the order to disperse and hide hoping that some day they might reunite along with their now captured leader.


“Good morning Sir.” The front guard to Goelic Enterprises’s main building said as a man completely dressed I black walked by. The man stopped his black leather jacket and jeans along with his black shoes and shirt stood still for a moment as if considering what he had just heard. He slowly turned his head revealing a pair of dark sunglasses and the face covered by his hair and large pointy black leather hat. Delicate yet strong male features considered the guard happily smiling at him. Seeing this he suddenly grinned a bit. ”You know, it’s the first time a guard actually addresses me directly. Its nice to know not everyone in the guard department is mute.” He said in a clam reassuring voice. “Well sir. I’ve been a front desk guard for 17 years I know from experience that people like to be acknowledged with more than a tip of the hat. Not just you but anyone not in a hurry.” He chuckled a bit at that last part. “I agree with you. Try and teach that to the rest of your partners. In fact you are now the first head guard of my company. If I recall correctly I was supposed to assign one a week ago. Well I would like to chat with you a bit more but I’m late for an urgent meeting. You’ll be notified of the promotion by the end of the day. Thank you again for improving my morning.” “No problem sir., and thank you sir.” That said the owner and CEO of Goleic Enterprises continued on his way to the elevators.

Arriving at the thirty second floor he walked by greeting his workers as he made his way to the meeting room in that floor. Once inside he sat down on his chair at the head of the table and slightly pressed a button on the right side of the right arm of the chair. He looked around the dark room apparently content in the darkness. The room itself had no windows and while the lights were off nothing could be seen though this did not seem to matter for this man who waited seemingly happy. A few minutes latter the doors opened again and the lights were turned on at a very low setting. The room was now discernible showing white walls with a few painting. Though not fancy the paintings gave the room a more business like atmosphere.

The dark man watched silently as his employees gathered at the table and sat down quietly. Each of them greeting him in his/her own way. Once they were done he looked at a pale looking doctor on the far left of the table. His skin color almost whiteish as his. “Doctor Vieses I would like to hear your new on my latest gamble.” The pale mane looking no older than thirty five turned smiled at his boss. “Your assumptions on the result were short this time Lord Goelic.” This cause the black clad man to raise an eyebrow above the rim of his sunglasses. “Oh. How so doctor?” he said surprised. “Well thanks to the contact in the health department and the excellent public campaign aided by our ‘special’ actors the previously empty stores of the blood banks are now starting to fill up. Not only that but the side effect of the suggestions implanted by our actors have reduced the number of incidents in certain areas like traffic accidents and the likes because the people affected by the commercials are preparing to donate blood so they are not doing many of the things they usually do like drinking and such. As a result we have not only a slightly less demand but a slightly higher income. If things continue as it has be calculated by this time next year we will have our private stores filled enough to allow for two children per family. In fact we are already working o enlarging our private stores and also on convincing the health department to continue with the commercials for as long as we can. This gamble as you called it has not only saved us but many of the humans as well.” A large smile crept o Goelic’s face and he could see the happiness beaming around the table, especially among the females present of which he was sure were overjoyed to know they would soon be able to have babies. He stood up to address the assembled. “Well as it seems we are in need of a….” a slight trembling in the building silenced him and he quickly lost his smile. “Security monitors main entrance!” the wall in front of him lit up showing various different hidden monitors now showing what was happening below. The guard was unconscious against the wall and a group of black dressed people carrying stakes entered the building seemingly forming in front of it. No one outside seemed to notice this fact though. Realization hit the lord in black and anguish look crossed his features before he spoke. “Nightmares! I can’t believe this. Everyone get the hell out of here now. Head home and use the safety measures in each of your homes!” he shouted pressing a large button on the table. “Everyone listen to me. We are being invaded by nightmares. Use the port spells on each of you and use the safety measures in each of your hoes. I will engage the holly water mist in 5 minutes so go! NOW!” the people in the room were already on their way. In every office you would find a man or a woman looking franticly for a small blue potion. Once found it was thrown on the door. This activated the spell converting the door into a port that allowed only one person through before shutting itself. Goelic meanwhile moved slowly towards his private elevator. Once inside he was quickly taken to the fiftieth and last floor of the large building. He stepped into his office and sat down behind his desk to wait. After the only four minutes his computer told him that the building was successfully evacuated and reported only one casualty. He winced at this but kept his posture, though anger now flashed through his face. He typed a command on his keyboard and pressed enter. The whole building was then covered in a dense mist, his room included. There could be heard shrills throughout the building and soon after that there was banging on the door. He brushed the water from his face his glasses having been modified before he pressed the button to prevent water from getting into his eyes. Hearing the banging on the door again and noticing the now setting mist he cleaned hi glasses with a dry cloth he took from his back pant pocket and pressed the button that unlocks the door. They swung open almost immediately and a very angry demon entered the room his eyes were bleeding a dark, purplish looking ooze. “Lord Vampire Goelic I presume.” He spat angrily “Yes that is me demon now who you are and what you were doing here is what I would like to know. No make that, AM going to know before I destroy you. “ he said in a kind of calm anger. The demon merely grunted in response and charged. The vampire did not even move from where he stood. With a flick of his right arm his opponent was shoved against the nearest wall and before he could get up was again thrown, only this time to the other wall. Seeing as the mist was completely settled the vampire took off his glasses and looked at the sprawled demon. A flicker of concentration crossed his brow and the demon exploded into tiny peaces which were eaten by the ground wet with holly water. “Oooopss, I forgot to question him. Oh, well I guess I’ll have to wait for the next one.” With that the Vampire went to his computer scribbled a note on his agenda, shut off his computer and walked to his personal elevator to go and check the unconscious guard.



“…find out what…” The doors to the small meeting room burst open and a young looking man rushed in. his almost elven beauty was still noticeable through the worry and fatigue on his features. “Turn the tv on, channel 6 news now!” he shouted before collapsing on a three person couch near the round meeting table. The six equally beautiful people in the room looked at him for a second and then dark haired female turned to the table to find the remote. Once in hand she turned on the tv and looked for the channel. “…forensics think he died a little over midnight. Police are still baffled by the way the mans back was mutilated. There were two large wholes on the upper back and no one seems to be able to explain why this… hold on we have just been informed the victim’s name was Faustus Kenner…” the reporters face was changed with an image of the deceased. All in the room who did not know before now realized who he was from the picture. “This is insane.” A man in stylish clothes said, “I can only agree with what Jussin said before. Hell has been pacified and he is looking for us. I mean first the wolfs then Lord Goelic now Faustus. They are hunting us.” The others in the room started arguing loudly while the messenger continued passed out on the couch oblivious to their argument. The only one quiet was the dark haired woman. Her body dressed in a tightly fitting leather dress accentuated every one of her curves. She sat there seemingly doing nothing but staring at the now turned off screen. After a few seconds she shook her head a bit and looked to all of her companions. They were the remaining six leaders of the succubus rebellion force. Now it seemed they were nothing more than scared children. “You really need to shut up!” she shouted to everyone, instantly silencing the arguments and waking up the messenger for just a few seconds. “L-Lady Lorithen “ the stylish man started but as silenced by a gesture from her hand. “Look when mother was killed hell lost its center. When word got out it was good ol’ dad who did it well literally all hell broke loose.” She passed seemingly considering how to go on. Jussin the only other male general looked at Lorithen ,“Well yes we were there when Satan confessed to killing Lillith and what happened afterwards so what is your point.” He said. His gothic attire seemed to make him look even better than his companion. “That’s my point right there. Mother was the chain around the doors of hell every demon every evil being in there stayed just because they might, would, or could get to be with her at least once in eternity. Even if she could not do it personally any of us would suffice as long as they could see her in the distance. Once she was gone the will to follow of the people was gone too. Dad did this because he knew this would happen. He wanted it to happen but he did not foresee the ramifications of his deed very well. Many of us escaped along with some lesser demons, the vampires and the few remaining live werewolves. He did not expect that to happen. Also, he did not understand the hold mother possessed on the underworld. He just came to realize this. Only 60 years have passed since we left, its impossible for him to have regained his full power. I believe we are dealing with a rogue member of hell wanting to dominate us to get on dad’s good graces. He has to be good to get nightmares to help him. Lord Goelic’s report indicated that a lesser demon was leading them and we know nightmares go only were they please. Someone in power offered them something interesting enough to buy their loyalty. I know for sure Dad has nothing that interests the nightmare leaders, so whomever they are, they have something not even hell can offer.” She paused gathering her thoughts again. Her beauty being only part of the package. Her wisdom gained from her mother and the many millennia of experience in hell. “Ginny, Sasha , Stephany find out where the werewolves are and get their story, you two…” she said pointing to the two males on the table “find out what happened to my subject. Make sure you get the right information. I know this was no mere accident as well as you do so dig as much as you need to. I suggest you talk to Dr. Dew. He’s the first succubus to put his immortality to good use. His specialization in forensics and his knowledge on our anatomy will be important to determine the real cause of death and maybe how they tore his wings.” The three lady looking succubus and the to males each acknowledged their orders and quickly left. “Locky… oh Locky” she said in a somewhat low and seductive voice. The messenger who was sleeping on the couch stirred and dreamily turned to look at her. “Please get Harry to open up the club tonight I have to go out. Ok? “ “Yes mistress.” He said quietly falling asleep again.



The status monitors flicked ever so slightly and resumed their normal wavelengths. None of the scientists and doctors in the room noticed the minor fluctuation signifying the return to the land of the living of the man strapped to the bed. His heightened senses allowed him to determine the location of the three doctors two scientists and a nurse. Also he knew the location of the door. It was right in front of him with what he determined were two guards on the outside, both carrying small arms and what seemed to be an air gun with probably more of those weird darts.

“Nurse how is our patient today?” A male voice said. He determined it was the doctor on the left. “Same as before Doctor Wells no change.” The female voice said from behind a desk were the different monitors were. “I told him not to mix to much silver. We did not want a dead werewolf we wanted a live one.” Another voice said, this time it was a scientist. The voices were British and that made him wonder who had really captured him. He had thought it had been some of Satan’s men but this people had no trace he could detect of Satan’s evil essence, which was common on all those who had dealings with him. Evil or not he was trapped and he did not like the predicament. Another voice broke his chain of thought. “Calm down James the tests show he was able to resist the slight poisoning. His body has already dealt with the silver. all that is left is for him to wake up.” “yeah, yeah. Well if he’s not up soon I’ll go get the smelling salts. If the legends are true his sense of smell would not be very pleased with that and I guess it should serve to wake him.” A few chuckles were heard from some of them. He decided now would be as good a time as any to ‘wake up’. ”Well James as much as I the that particular scent I can very well keep doing what I’ve been doing for the past few minutes. Now if you’ll untie me and talk to me civilly I might just answer some of your questions provided you answer some of mine…”


The full moon was beautiful this night. Goelic sat on one of his more plush chairs on the main balcony of his home. The three story high extension gave a full view of the front and sides of the huge mansion. The master vampire wondered how the five remaining werewolves were doing this night. He knew full well that since they captured or killed the leader James the rest would be in hiding. This was also made evident by the hard time they were having locating them. This night, though, would prove to be to his advantage. Their urge to prevent their shifting will leave an easy trail for his seekers. These special section of vampires was established in Hell in order to find and bring together any and all vampires that entered the foul lands. Due to the hostility of the terrain these select vampires over trained their senses making them extremely gifted in sight hearing and smell. They will easily sense the werewolves if they get near to 20 kilometers from anyplace they’ve frequented tonight or the two nights following this one.

“Soon, soon I’ll be able to know what happened to James. I truly hope it has nothing to do with those nightmares like at the office.” Goelic said softly while stirring his glass of warm blood. “Well I truly hope so too darling, the wolves came out with only those six while we managed to save a somewhat large group. It would really be a shame to loose the last and best of the werewolf race.” A all to known voice said from behind him. “Only two beings were ever able to sneak up on me. You my dear Lorithen are the only one left. come over here and join me. Want a glass of blood? Or some red wine?” he said as he telepathically moved another of the couch like chairs near to where he was. The succubus smiled at him and took the offered chair. “Since when are you doing so good in collection that you can offer blood so freely?” She asked taking the offered glass and noticing the increase in size. “It was our latest business venture. But lets not get into business now. We have other problems and I’m sure that you are not here only to visit me, though I wish you were.” “Me too, but unfortunately it seems Hell or at least someone who intends to gain a foothold on Hell is after us. I heard of the attack on your office I trust you and yours got to safety?” she asked with some concern. Vampires were a very interesting race to her and their leader was an especially interesting specimen. “No vampire casualties though I almost lost my new head of security. Lucky for me he was one of the few humans working there. The holy water mist would have done him in had he been a vampire. He is in the hospital in any case. The shove he received broke a few bones and left a few minor bruises. Other than that nothing. I heard though that yours were not so lucky.” He finished looking at her noticing the sorrow cross her features for a while then vanish completely. “You heard right. We lost one member of the family last night and now the rest are afraid. Nightmares are out looking for all of us. I can’t figure out who sent them though the reason is clear.” “Yes they want us more dead than alive, or undead as the case may be. What I cant figure out is what happened to James. My scouts investigated the area were he was last seen. They found no scent of evil other than the faint traces still carried by all of us, and to discard the possibility that they left hell almost when we did the traces were only six. So whomever it was, was not one of the envoys of your father. This could benefit or hinder us depending on their plans. Right now I’m counting on that old wolf’s ability to work the people. That is the only thing that can keep him safe. As for the remains of the pack they should be found in no more than three days. Once they are found I’ll bring them here.” “And what are you planning on doing once they are safely here?” “Well I have to find out what exactly happened to James. If he’s alright he’ll eventually break loose. If he’s dead I must find his body. I will protect them until I am sure of one of those two possible outcomes. They are to be kept safe until the plans for our introductions are complete. I plan on introducing our three races not two or one. Once we do whomever is hunting us will have a harder time getting to us. Even if we’re not liked right away the press will be constantly on us and if they strike they will only make us look good in the eyes of the humans and I don’t think they’d want that.” “You are right of course. So how are we doing in that subject? How are the introduction plans going?” “Well… not so good here I’m afraid. Our contact in the senate has told us that pressure is high in the U.S. government. If we make ourselves known now it would most certainly backfire. We are trying to establish a link in Europe to study the situation there but all of our approaches have not been successful.” “So we must wait for a chance to present itself. It will happen sooner or later. For now we must keep ourselves alive, that’s one of the reasons I am here. I could really use your help.” “I heard the news on your subject. I think I know what you want from me and I agree with you.” “The aid of your security group and scout group would not only help keep my people alive but might help us find whomever is doing this. I might have the largest group but we can be decimated before an option is presented. The promise we made to Gabe must be kept if heaven is to believe us. We cannot grow our numbers in any way until we come to terms with the humans. Whatever this organization is it knows at least that much and will try his best to keep us from reaching our goal. I think its partly because of them that we have not been able to find a suitable opportunity. We probably going to need help soon if we can’t find a gap on their plan.” “Have some patience. I have a feeling that gap has already been made. If all goes well I think we will soon have an opportunity.” With that the conversation was over. They both sat there looking at each other for a while then out towards the darkened grounds below. They spent the rest of the night together in that balcony quiet, each lost in their thoughts, occasionally stealing a glance at each other.



A lone low level warrior was unable to stay at ease at his post. Something was nagging him inside his head and he lost focus. His white wings looked if at all possible unkept, as did his hair and in fact the rest of him. His partner and friend looked at him worriedly as they returned to headquarters after their shift. “Aliener what is wrong with you?” the worried companion asked. “I-I don’t know, I feel like I have to be doing something but I don’t know what. I feel drawn to someplace but I can’t figure out where. I’ve had trouble concentrating and even focusing. I’m sure you noticed this at the gates today as well friend. I can’t figure out what is wrong with me. I am going to have to ask for time to meditate again. I hope High Angel Durin grants my request. I have to get myself at ease again if I want to do my job correctly.” “Don’t worry I’ll help you. You know Durin is very understanding. I know you’ll get your chance, you’ll see.”

The chance was practically a given once During laid eyes on Aliener. It was not long after that, when he left the barracks and headed for the Grand Palace. The actually humble structure was the largest structure in Eden and was a very quiet place being the throne room of the Lord of Light himself. Usually angels of the highest orders were seen entering this place though it was open for all who wished to enter. The high white marble walls surrounding the equally white marble palace were a perfect square with a tower on each corner. The towers were always manned though the angels here only stood honorary guard for all knew no one ever got past the Seven doors unless judged worthy of entrance, and those were only good people who would do nothing more than praying inside these sacred walls. Still like all places that require guarding weapons in this case bows, were found hanging around the walls ready for use, the fact that the arrows were if blessed light guarantied that they would not lack ammunition in a prolonged fight. All this though did not interest the walking angel. What was on his mind was how each step closer to the palace his restlessness seemed to ebb away and was replaced by a need to go somewhere, almost like he was being called someplace. He walked through the palace doors barely noticing the beautiful garden and walking past those who commonly viewed the castle from the entrance where, when looking up, you got the most indescribable view of a castle that managed to appear both, gloriously majestic and incredibly humble. He was in a trance like state walking without knowing while his mind worked on the conflicting emotions he was receiving.

Before he knew it he was in front of the throne room doors and there he was released. Shaking his head slightly he looked up at the two archangels guarding the doors. They were eyeing him wondering why a warrior angel was here and were he was planning on going next. A few steps in front of them Aliener made himself the same questions. He tried to move towards the stairs but as he took the first two steps he was again assaulted by the uneasy feeling. He quickly returned to where he was and sighted. Whatever it was that was bothering him wanted him where he was now. He looked at the doors and at the two guards, after a quick deliberation started walking towards the doors. The two guards started to take defensive positions but stopped wide eyed when the doors started to open. They recomposed themselves and quickly moved to allow entrance to this most blessed angel who was the first one of his kind to be invited into the throne room of the Lord.



The bright skylight night was slowly darkening with the oncoming clouds. The farmland around this area was quiet. All the inhabitants of this small farming community were peacefully sleeping… Well most of them anyway. After a fight with his mother a young boy of fourteen sat lazily on the pier of his property. A small stream crossed through the lands and was located just far enough away from the house that it was not possible to see it from here. Here the boy knew he’d be able to get some peace and quiet. Here there would be no one telling him to be still, to let others do everything.

He loved his mother, that much was certain. More so now that his father was gone. He had recently died from a farming accident. A problem while repairing some farm equipment had an unexpected result. No one knew what exactly happened. They only know that the workshop where his father did the repairs suddenly blew up with his father still inside. After that he has been trying his best to fill in his fathers shoes along with his older brother. The problem was he was not doing much. His older brother had somehow managed to take all the responsibility and his mother still not quite over her loss had ignored all his pleas. All he wanted was to help, to be a part of this crumbling family but it seemed no one cared enough to include him.
“Well if you don’t need me for anything I’ll just do whatever I wish whenever I wish.” He said to the air with some false security and determination.
The sudden increase in darkness made the boy look up to the now none existent stars. “What is going on?” he asked out loud as if expecting an answer from the wind which was now picking up speed. The clouds seemed to come from all sides converging on a point somewhere above him. A loud thundering roar and blinding flashes were the ones who let the boy know that the converging clouds had collided. Just after this they started spinning, gaining speed as the seconds passed and with this increase in speed there was an increase in the wind speeds. The boy stood up then and started making his way back home trying to reach it before the winds grew to dangerous. He was still beginning his journey when the winds grew to the point of pushing him and soon after that the boy was having a hard time trying to stay standing. Fear began invading the boy and he tried to increase his speed only to be thrown to the ground by a gust signalizing another increase in the speed of the winds. He stayed down for a few seconds regaining his courage and control for he knew he was not going to survive if he did not get up. He was trying so hard to keep his cool and courage he was not aware that the winds were no longer affecting him until he was kneeling. Opening his eyes he saw and heard the wing rushing past all around him. For some reason it seemed to be skipping the place where he was. Thinking that if he moved he’d leave whatever it was that was sparing him from the wind he stayed still and looked up to see if he could find what was causing all this. The sky was unrevealing for the first few minutes but he, seeing as he was going nowhere kept on looking up.

On the clouds high above the boy things were almost complete, the spell was nearly done. Three lightning bolts traveled towards the center of the cloud mass. They collided there forming a large energy ball which hovered for a while seemingly doing nothing though it was in fact gaining strength. When the collection was done it shot itself downwards like a lightning though this one was a hundred times larger. The winds calmed as it crashed not far from the boy again he was protected by the blast created when the sphere hit the ground. When all was calm again the boy finally regained his footing and with a curiosity induced by the nearness of the crash site he moved slowly towards the crater.

Two beings stood in the center of the small crater, seven foot in radius, and talked to each other in an alien tongue. “I really hate transport spells you know Ker’sa.” One of the figures said with a grumbling voice marking him as male. “You’ve told me so only over six thousand times Drass’el. I know its disorienting but it’s the only way to get here and back.” The other being said. This one had a melodic female voice.

The boy carefully watched the beings trying to refocus his eyes after that bright flash. The spots in his vision slowly cleared to reveal two very big shadows in the center of the crater. The voices hushed bit and one of the beings seemed to separate a bit. They stopped and then one of the beings spread it’s arms and it’s wings. The boy dumbfounded by this focused his eye on them then on the wings in the other being for it too spread it’s wings.

“Huuuuuuuaaaaaahhhhhh!!!” the male one shouted once his wings reached the impressive span of 16 feet. The female though had a slightly smaller span somewhere around 15 feet. Was quiet throughout her stretching. The spots on the boy’s face now gone and the return of the starlight night help him make out vague outlines of these beings. He could tell they were not human for they seemed to have a muzzle though it was not beak-like it was most surely not like any animal he’d seen. Also they seemed to sparkle under the starlight. Well aside from the metal plate mail the male was wearing and the weird looking helmet glistening on the floor in front of him. The male’s head and unprotected arms shone a purple different from the pale silver of the armor helmet and gloves. The hands themselves were weird though from the distance and darkness the boy was unable to say exactly what was wrong with them. The female wore a tunic like garment with a pale green refection coming from her exposed hair and head. The tunic itself had some bright blue spots on it that looked as they were part of the original design yet the boy could not figure out how that could be accomplished.

After this far away examination his curiosity got the better of him. He slowly made his way closer trying to keep quiet. He did not know though that the two speaking aliens were already aware of his presence and where now trying to decide what to do with him. “So Ker’sa,you think this boy has the gift? Why do you say that?” “Well for one he survived the our arrival. You know that only those who can create the barrier can survive the strong winds and lightning created by the spell. But that’s not the real reason. He has way too much of it. I am sure even you, who only posses the magic affinity of the warrior, can feel him clearly. He is not doing anything to hide or increase his power yet he is right now as strong as when I display my full potential.” This made the warrior open his eyes a bit more for he knew the spell caster in front of him was amongst the ten strongest of their empire. “The stories from previous explorers is true. I can feel many like this boy yet they are but a small fraction of the whole population. I would like to train this one. I want to know and test their capabilities. Besides I feel that something is wrong here. This planet will soon face many dangers and it seems right now the native population is unprepared for what is coming.” She continued, “If we can teach this boy successfully we might just give their race a chance to face this coming trouble along those who would help them.” “I thought you said there was only one intelligent race here.” The warrior said looking at her now. “these are from the celestial planes of this planet. I can’t tell what they are but I know they have a little understanding of what is going to happen, also they are afraid.” “What good are scared beings going to be against whatever is going to happen.” “I can’t tell. We will meet them soon, then we will decide. Now get ready he is getting close. I think its time to introduce ourselves.

_________________
__________________
New Dog In Town!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
hikaru
Administrator


Joined: 20 Nov 2000
Posts: 1581
Location: Kansas City, KS, USA

PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2004 3:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK. Where to start. First is that you have what we call the Never Ending Paragraph syndrom. I'm going to edit the following paragraph and break it up. The important thing is to break a paragraph whenever you have someone else saying anything or doing anything of significance. If you have someone watching someone doing something, and its "their" paragraph, that's OK... Color commentary will be inbedded in the text for this one.

Shadu wrote:
A blur of movement betrays the otherwise tranquil night in the forest. Six large shadows speed across the forest floor at an unrelenting pace. Small hand gestures and growls can be heard and seen from one of them as he leads the speeding group through the dense forest looking for a place to hide from their pursuers. Their desperation leads them to a clearing and once in the center the leader calls for a halt.
(OK. You've got the group action, now you're going to a single individual. Break time. )

A large 7.5 feet tall Light gray werewolf turns to the rest of his pack. “They are still coming. I don’t think we’ll be able to out run them for much longer.” He managed to say between breaths.
(Now we switch to the female. Break time.)

A female black werewolf steps closer to him and puts an arm around his waist. “We managed to make it here I will not give up. I have to hand it to them though, they are persistent.”

(OK. You're getting into the ricer mode. You've started two sentances off with words ending in 'ing. Removing, watching, listening, looking, jumping, etc. If you do this too much, you sound like a little ricer car engine going 'ing 'ing 'ing 'ing 'ing... get it? It's OK if you do it once in a while, but best to avoid it if all possible.)
Removing her arm slowly as to not offend her he looks at her. Watching her sadly nod he returns his eyes to the rest of the pack. “They’ll be here soon. I want all of you to disperse and hide. I’ll keep them here. I won’t let them touch anyone in my pack. “

The four previously quiet members started protesting but were quieted when the bushes on the forest behind them started to make noises. A few seconds later a whole squadron of black dressed people ran out to the clearing quickly assuming firing positions.

The Silver werewolf turned to his pack, seeing only despair. “NOW RUN!!!” he shouted and his pack, though startled, followed his command running into the forest away from the now firing soldiers while their leader used his body as a wall to protect them from the fire.

(Why did the sodiers stop firing? Were they bored? Did they run out of ammunition? What's their motivation for not shotting him any more. It sounded like fun! I know I'd wana keep plugging away at him! Smile )
The soldiers stopped firing after a while and the remaining wolf man stood on his feet for a few seconds before he shook himself off. The injuries were already healing some already done and after a mad glare he dashed forwards the soldiers growling fiercely. “YOU LEAVE MY PACK ALONE YOU BASTARDS!!!” he shouted while he approached the front lines clawing away at the soldiers who tried unsuccessfully to bring down the giant wolf.

(OK. Gotta comment. He shouted as he approached the group, clawing away at the soldiers. You're trying to accomplish too much action here. Have him shout and show anger. Then, as a seperate action (and therefore a seperate sentance) have him charge the army guys and attack them.)

Before he got to the main groups though a man walked to the front carrying a silver painted dart rifle. Taking aim at the oncoming monster he calmly pulled the trigger. The oncoming furious streak of silver was unable to avoid the silver tipped dart approaching his midsection. His rushed roll to the let only succeeded in moving the target of the dart from his stomach to his right arm were the dart stuck itself releasing the contents within it. The effects of the silver in both the substance and the point of the dart made the tranquilizing effects work at an increased rate not allowing the silver werewolf to get up and soon left him unconscious were he ended the roll.
(OK. You have too many silver things doing stuff. "The oncoming furious streak of silver was unable to avoid the silver tipped dart." Can't we just say the wolf-man rather than oncoming streak of silver? Or maybe you can cay silver fur instead. Define the event. You've also got a lot of mixed tenses in that last paragraph. Lots of things happening and lots of things happend. It reads much better if it were consistant in the past tense. Try this on for size.

Before he got to the main group, a man with a silver dart-rifle walked to the front . The man took aim at the oncoming monster and then calmly pulled the trigger. He dove to the left in an attempt to avoid the dart which had been aimed at his midsection, but couldn't completely dodge it as the dart struck him in the arm instead. The dart, firmly imbedded in the flesh of his arm, released its sedetive payload. The effects of the silver in both the substance and the point of the dart made the tranquilizing effects work at an increased rate. Within moments the drugged warewolf (why not wolf-man now?) was unable to rise or move and passed into unconciousness.

(I'm not saying you HAVE to do it that way. I'm just showing you how it will read if you did try it that way. Remember: Don't rush the action. Nothing says you can't take an entire page to describe an event that only took thirty seconds to occur. In fact, you're readers will have a better feel for the intensity of the action if you draw it out and make the experience more imersive.)

From afar the five remaining pack members watched as their leader was strapped and loaded into some kind of ground vehicle. The black alpha female turned to the rest and with tears in her eyes gave the order to disperse and hide hoping that some day they might reunite along with their now captured leader.


OK. I'm going to stop there for now.

How about you work on the Never Ending Paragraph syndrom and your tenses, then post the results, OK? Smile

As always, feel free to discuss or ignore my suggestions.

Cheers

_________________
Read my comic: http://www.ImperialGelf.com
Read my stories at http://www.IC-Stories.com
http://katayamma.deviantart.com/

"Coming to you Live and Transcribed..." - TVDave
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Shadu
Registered User


Joined: 21 May 2003
Posts: 336
Location: Barranquilla

PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2004 4:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For now all i can say is a BIG THANK YOU!!! Mr. Green

I know I have the big paragraph problem. I thank you because that small bit of help has given me some of the info I needed to end that problem.

as for the rest I guess I've got to learn to reread. I tend to avoid it cause I usually end up rewriting to much and sometimes I mess up the story.

I just have too much imagination. when I write its usallywhen I am extremely bored for some reason, and while writing its almost as if I am seeing what I am writing, that is why I have things like the execive silver part and such. though the stop firing part I kinda have to blame that on a unwanted break. I lost the thread and skipped an important part. I'll check on it and hopefully I'll soon repost the corrected thing and maby add a bit more to it. it might be a while though cause im entering finals this comming two weeks so i'll be a bit pressed on time. but at least its two weeks for people to look at it and give me some info on it. Cool

_________________
__________________
New Dog In Town!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
hikaru
Administrator


Joined: 20 Nov 2000
Posts: 1581
Location: Kansas City, KS, USA

PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2004 4:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shadu wrote:
I just have too much imagination. when I write its usallywhen I am extremely bored for some reason, and while writing its almost as if I am seeing what I am writing, that is why I have things like the execive silver part and such. though the stop firing part I kinda have to blame that on a unwanted break. I lost the thread and skipped an important part. I'll check on it and hopefully I'll soon repost the corrected thing and maby add a bit more to it. it might be a while though cause im entering finals this comming two weeks so i'll be a bit pressed on time. but at least its two weeks for people to look at it and give me some info on it. Cool


Sounds like you write stream of conciousness, the same way that I do. I'll give you a few suggestions that may help.

When you're bored, don't write. Day-dream instead. Spend time roll playing the scene out in your head. Play with it until you've got a good feel for what you want. Nail down the high-points.

Once you've got the scene fairly set in your head, NOW start writing it. Personally, and this is based on suggestions from professional authors, I believe you should set aside a block of time and reserve it for writing. Turn off the TV, close the door, kill the radio. No distractions. Toss on a favorite CD that you've heard a million times if you need background noise, but nothing that's going to demand your attention.

After it's down, don't be affraid to go back and change things. Just make sure that you re-read the entire chapter again for consistancy. That's the only way to assure yourself that you haven't screwed up.

I tend to read the entire chapter about five or six times before I post it, usually making minor tweaks as I go. The more times I've read it, the less I'll tweak it because I've fixed the bad stuff on previous runs. Eventually I'm happy with how it looks and post it.

That's my method. Use what you will from it.

_________________
Read my comic: http://www.ImperialGelf.com
Read my stories at http://www.IC-Stories.com
http://katayamma.deviantart.com/

"Coming to you Live and Transcribed..." - TVDave
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Shadu
Registered User


Joined: 21 May 2003
Posts: 336
Location: Barranquilla

PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2004 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I kinda started doing that somwhere around the third or fourth page. I kept myself from writing a few days (it was pretty hard let me tell you) and I mussed with the ideas and the stuff i wanted to write. I know I have to go back to the heven part cause it lacks something but I am still thinking on the next time and mayby I'll use it to fully extend on the lack of description. it was a kind of spurr of the moment addition and while I had though about doing it for a while I had not thought about the background. I'll have to somwhere but I'm still thinking on it.

I'll have to do the rereading and then I know I'll have to do some fixing here and there but I must say I like how its going at least after the first few pages. I know I have to go back and fix some stuff there.

I am just going to use most of your style fro now on if you don't mind i think it fits me very well.

_________________
__________________
New Dog In Town!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
hikaru
Administrator


Joined: 20 Nov 2000
Posts: 1581
Location: Kansas City, KS, USA

PostPosted: Mon May 24, 2004 9:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kewl! Let me know how it works out. Smile
_________________
Read my comic: http://www.ImperialGelf.com
Read my stories at http://www.IC-Stories.com
http://katayamma.deviantart.com/

"Coming to you Live and Transcribed..." - TVDave
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Shadu
Registered User


Joined: 21 May 2003
Posts: 336
Location: Barranquilla

PostPosted: Wed Jun 02, 2004 9:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i will repost it here once its complete now i just have to ask those in charge of deleting topics to not touch this one until i can use the help given here to edit my stuff. Mr. Green
_________________
__________________
New Dog In Town!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Shadu
Registered User


Joined: 21 May 2003
Posts: 336
Location: Barranquilla

PostPosted: Wed Jun 02, 2004 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i will repost it here once its complete now i just have to ask those in charge of deleting topics to not touch this one until i can use the help given here to edit my stuff. Mr. Green
_________________
__________________
New Dog In Town!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Chris Regan
Registered User


Joined: 23 Jun 2001
Posts: 138
Location: Ridgecrest, Ca.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 07, 2004 12:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shadu

What I see is a good strong first draft of your story and there is nothing the matter with that.

Some times Ideas flow so fast you end up writing the way that it flows and that is okay.

Just keep in mind that the real work startes when you fixing typos, paragraphies that are run on sentences, paragraphs that are just big.

I found that the subject matter flowed well.

I would get into more detail about editing but I see Hikaru has already stired that pot. You'll do okay as long as you remember that writing is work and that it is also a labor of love.

I myself write in this way most of the time and have to plug holes, fix words and paragraphies that are run on sentences, paragraphs that are just big, it is one of the ways the creative mind work.

I'm sure Mike will be happy to put it up on The Raccoon's Bookshelf when you are ready.

Assistant editor Chris Regan

_________________
Read a book and let your imagination take take flight

Crystal Dragon Raccoon
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger Skype Name
Shirh Khan
Site Owner
Site Owner


Joined: 04 Jul 2001
Posts: 332
Location: In transition/between states

PostPosted: Tue Jun 08, 2004 1:02 pm    Post subject: Writing, and StoryTelling Reply with quote



Shadu:

As a fellow writer, I can understand what you're trying to do, from at least the creativity aspect, and Hiraku is giving you some wonderful tips, though I'll admit that I'm glad he's not my editor; he'd likely rip my story to shreds, in the 'technically english' category; but his tips are still spot on. I don't write in the 'stream of conscious' way, but more along the lines of 'how I see it in my head/how I hear or culturally categorize the action'-- meaning, I take from my own understanding of life, and of things that have played out as I've lived them, and then incorporate them into a story that I see in my head. That doesn't work for everyone, and doesn't always make for the best technically sound story. But it seems to work for me, and though you shouldn't disregard the advice of others, you should also try to learn what your own style of writing is, and make it work for you.

Personally, I also tend to re-read my work quite a number of times, before I even draft it off to my wonder editors; they double check behind me, not for spelling-- though occasionally something of that sort slips through-- but for content and context. What may sound quite fine to me, or what my eye may skip over, they may tend to see or hear it quite differently, and in all likeliness catch any mistakes I might make.

In addition to following what Hiraku has suggested, why not ask around for a fur or three to help edit your work? Not only do you have other eyes to help you watch out for mistakes, but you also have other potential writers who can maybe offer a suggestion if you happen to end up writing something that feels "off" to you, or even for those moments all writers stumble upon-- Writers Block.

And, as Hiraku and Chris have suggested, in their own ways-- look at your story as though you're trying to actually write if for someone else to read. I'm not saying that you should write simply because you're trying to get readers; that is the first step down the road to a horrible story. Write because you want to, because you love to, because you can't keep the story to yourself. But, write with the idea in mind that, if you're gonna end up showing it to others, that you want them to see it as you see it in your head. Roleplay it out- think it through- work out all the camera angles in your mind, and see if you can tell a story, so that others see it the way you're seeing it, the way you're telling it. If you can do that, then the other things will eventually fall into place , and all you'll be left doing, other than writing a really good story, is mop-up work-- i.e., occasional spelling and grammar fixes.

Beyond that, I can't suggest anything more than what's already been said. Go forth, and write a damned good story. *grin*

-Shirh Khan


_________________
"Life is not for the faint of heart. Live a little!!"
-said Shirh to his brother, Elijah
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger
Shadu
Registered User


Joined: 21 May 2003
Posts: 336
Location: Barranquilla

PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2004 7:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Shir!! and eventhouh it might be a glimpse visit I'm glad to see you around. its a good thing to know that slowly but hopefully surely people are comming back. its been very quiet lately.

I know ultra paragraphs are my style I have a umm 40 something page long paragraph around here somwhere from my first attempts at writing. I damaged that one to the point of no return when I decided I wanted to try a never ending story of a sorts. I made it booring and dumb to childish.even though I started writing it way into highschool it mostly looks like a 6 year old kind of story. but there is a part in there im really prod of. a small sidestep of a sorts that I think came out nice (not perfect but enough so that I liked it Very Happy ) (anyone interested tell me and I'll send it to you.).

Now as for the editing I have posted and I'll repost here and now my request for any 1 with time who'll want to help me with that tid bit of extra truble. Cyber said he might but hes been busy with some stuff for school and all. I'll be in Miami (or thereabout) from the 21 of june to july 31. if I manage to take my stories with me I'll work on the corrections and sugestions given by you all. I will try my best to have something for you around that time if I don't its probably cause I could not take them with me this has been a great idea and has helped me way too much and i want it to continue.

THANKS EVERYONE!!!! Mr. Green

Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation

_________________
__________________
New Dog In Town!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Shadu
Registered User


Joined: 21 May 2003
Posts: 336
Location: Barranquilla

PostPosted: Wed Jul 07, 2004 11:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ok i've done my first reread and a 'try to' editing. i now ask you if i should post the file for download or the whole thing for quote editing.
_________________
__________________
New Dog In Town!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Shadu
Registered User


Joined: 21 May 2003
Posts: 336
Location: Barranquilla

PostPosted: Thu Jul 29, 2004 10:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ok so much for an answer... Confused

oh wel... i guess i've been away so long no one comes here anymore. well for those who might want to help i'll post the first revision here for comments...

i know it might still be far away from complete but every little bit helps i guess

_________________
__________________
New Dog In Town!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Shirh Khan
Site Owner
Site Owner


Joined: 04 Jul 2001
Posts: 332
Location: In transition/between states

PostPosted: Thu Jul 29, 2004 10:54 am    Post subject: Hey! I see you!! Reply with quote



Shadu-

Forgive me- I've not ignored ya. I come to PF so infrequently these days, I'm usually about a week or two behind whatever news pops up here on PF. As far as editing goes, I'm willing to offer to help ya with that, if you still need someone to look over stuff for ya. I'll admit, though, that if you choose me, you should expect a three or four day turnaround on stuff ya send- best to send just before the weekend, to get the most of my attention.

Just so ya know, I've been away from PF, mainly to work on my own story; I'm nearly finished with the next chapter of work, and with luck, it'll be posted next week. If you decide you want my meddli- I mean, you want my help, then that'd be the time to be ready to send me editing material. If you need to reach me, you can usually find me online at [email protected] (i.e., you can plug that into MSN messenger, and find me) or at shirhkhan74 on Yahoo! Messenger, or you can email me at the same hotmail address.

See ya later!



-Shirh Khan

_________________
"Life is not for the faint of heart. Live a little!!"
-said Shirh to his brother, Elijah
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Planetfurry BBS Forum Index -> Writer's Guild All times are GMT - 4 Hours
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You cannot attach files in this forum
You cannot download files in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group