Planetfurry BBS

[Scifer]

Phew. Well, it looks like no one else wants to play ball in publishing their stories, so I will attempt to pick up the nits that you nitpickers have picked.

[RANT] CAN'T YOU JUST ENJOY THE DAMN STORY?!? ARE YOU PERPOSEFULLY LOOKING FOR THINGS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT?! IS THAT WHAT THIS GOD FORSAKEN FORUM IS REALLY FOR?!!?! ARGH!!!! [/RANT]

Right, first of all, the question of time and leaving the solar system. You guys frightened me with your scientific waffle, which is why I ran away. But I will re-enforce my old statement by using statistics and quotes. They can prove anything.

"Trying to run before you kno how to walk" is the most emphisised point here. Technology overgrew so fast that new stuff was invented and tried out before the old invention's floors were ironed out (inspired by the Microsoft Windows saga) and therefore had invented a lightspeed engine before they had invented a hyperdrive. But, as you can see, it went horribly wrong. This may spoil the plot a bit, but I'm going to make light speed and time travel impossible for anything that is below the LS threshhold as Albo Einstien wanted (He told it o me in a dream. Interfering old git!).

Anyway, that explains why it would have taken them longer to leave the solar system ... because of the size of the ship, lack of fuel space and amoun of time it would take them to leave the perimeter.

...

a'thankyouverymuch.

*bows*

[Elfen_Furry]

[Scifer]

Post the worst bugs that I haven't talked about, and I'll get re-writing.

Mike? Can I re-submit the first chapter to my story when it's done?

[Shadu]

Well im really liking the way this works. as for the story beeing commented upon I can only say I liked it and will surely read the revised section. having a small amout of knowledge on space travel myself I think the way it was done was mostly ok. I agree with the revisions made here though I beleive you have to take into consideration the author's thoughts while he wrote.

now, changing the subject a bit....

I posted a topic here witht the document of the second of my stories. it's small and if you feel it would be better I'll also post it like this last story was here. I want to ask permision to add my first storry here for that same kind of critisism, while i'll add the other one in my topic space to avoid mixing up the comments.

[Scifer]

before I do the changes, I want to get the second chapter ironed out. Here it is, and in this section, the plot starts to get furry ...

Part 2
Awakening

A ghostly ironclad silently ploughed its way through the gaunt quiet. It had done so for what seemed like an eternity. Several scars and burns rested in its side, scratching and corroding away the bright, blue tinted metal. Several dents could also be spotted, after several maelstroms of meteors, asteroids and ice comets had impacted off the sleek body of the Notre Dame. Inside the thick hull was a much different story. There were several empty hallways, walls lined with blue padding and white metal, the floors, lined with warming beige carpet, topped with a thin layer of black dust. Several circular ceiling lights beamed out a sterile white glow, but all around, there was total silence, not even the stereotypical low humming sound you would hear on most spacecraft. Whole tables of food lay in the dining quarters, untouched and frozen by the absence of oxygen, floating slightly off the ground without gravity. The main bridge was in the same shroud of ice. Any moisture that had been present would have been turned into small beads of ice by the freezing temperatures and lack of air. But on the floor of the bridge, coated with another layer of the black dust lay a clue to the event which had caused such a tragic accident all those years ago.

The entire ship was frozen in time, with no signs of life and with nothing seeming like it had been used, the Notre Dame lay in stasis. Dead.

Well, this wasn’t entirely true. Deep in the lower sections of the hull, the pulse of life was beating. It always had been, however faint. In the agriculture bay, forty-four levels down, a small dusty computer screen in the corner of the bright room had a collection of numbers printed in square, green letters was gradually seeping away. About seven hundred zeros rested before the last two. Then, another zero replaced the second number. The countdown was nearly over.

9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 – Stasis sequence complete.

Several keypads, monitor screens and button boards sparked and crackled as they burst back into life. A nearby computer screen overloaded and burst into flames, soon extinguished by the absence of any oxygen.

Re-engaging life support. Life support engaged.

There was a loud clatter, as all over the ship, items fell to the floor now that the artificial gravity generators were back online. Thick clouds of white gas spurted through small nozzles inside the hallways, quarters and living spaces. Now the gentle hum of a spacecraft could be heard. It echoed dimly through the hull and out into the void of space. And back in the agriculture bay, more machines spluttered back into their electronic state of life. There was a moment of silence, cut in half by a loud hissing noise as one of the life pods in the centre of the room disengaged its stasis field.

Awakening bio-forms.

Two bright green eyes gently flickered open inside the pod. They closed again because of the intensity of the lights. There was a slight, barely audible groan as the creature slowly stirred. With a quiet mechanical whir, the lid door to the pod moved away, revealing what lay inside. She squirmed and rolled over on her side, trying to shield her face from the hard light. Her eyes slowly opened and looked around her. The walls to the inside of the pod were warm and nicely padded. Her head rested on a soft, spongy pillow. She felt them with a delicate, feminine paw. They were comfortable, but not familiar. None of this was. In fact, she couldn’t remember what she was doing here, how she had come to be here, or even who she was. She frowned a little and a small tuft of fur swept over her eyes. She lifted her paw up to her face and explored its contours. She couldn’t remember a thing.

“What?” she whispered in a delicate English voice.

You spoke. You know how to talk. So, you do possess some knowledge. But do you know how to walk? Well … I mean, if you know what walking is, then you should be able to do it … right? Try.

She arched one leg up and then the other. She placed one sleek and furry arm behind her and gently eased her torso erect. Her short hazelnut red hair cascaded in front of her eyes as her head fell forward. She arched her other leg up and lifted the other out of the side to the pod. She flicked her head back and her hair bounced behind. Her jade green eyes squinted at the circular discs of light. She quickly lifted her other leg out of the pod and stumbled slightly as her hind feet landed with a dull thump on the hard plastic floor. She held her arms out to steady herself, but walking didn’t seem much of a problem.

Good. You can walk. Now then, why is it so hard to breathe, do you think?

She was breathless. The small white top she was wearing clung with ferocity to her chest, not leaving much room for her breasts. She wouldn’t have taken the piece of clothing off if she had known that she was not alone in this room. She was startled by a loud hissing noise from behind her and dived behind a nearby metal chair. Another pod was opening. After a while of trembling silence, there was a huskier groan from inside the open pod. The girl peeked over the rim of the glistening metallic seat, squatting behind it, she saw what emerged from the white oblong. A massive orange, catlike beast slowly rose, rubbing its eyes with huge, muscled paws. Several black stripes ripped their way through his fur, giving him a dashing appearance. All he was wearing was a dull, dirty and torn vest and ripped, tight fitting denim trousers. Just after he had risen from his position, he gave a stretch, pulling all of his joints out of proportion and then back to normal, just before he lay down again. The girl gracefully stood up and waltzed over to the open pod, her tail gently swinging between her legs. She peered inside. The cat-beast was resting, arms folded behind his head, with a satisfied smile on his face.

“Hello?” the girl asked quietly.

The cat-beast opened one eye and looked at her.
“WHOA GIRL!!” he shouted, making her scurry back to her earlier position by the chair with a slight scream. There was a clatter as she deftly landed behind the chair and it fell on its side. Loud panting noises could be heard from either side of the room now.

“You wanna put some dang clothes on girl?!” said the same, American homeboy voice.

The girl had completely forgotten about her top. She slipped the tight garment back on with some difficulty.

“I’m dreadfully sorry! It was too tight.”

“Man! You don’t see me taking my damn pants off because they’re too tight, do ya?!”

“No, no, of course not. It’s just …”

There was a sudden moment of silence. The two faces peeked up from over the edges of their surroundings, both of them widened with shock. They both spoke and pointed at the same time.

“Who are you?”

The cat-beast frowned and scratched the upper part of his nose with a single claw.

“I don’t remember a thing.” he said, in a gruff voice.

“Neither do I,” said a sleeker womanly voice. She stood up to full height. “Looks like we’re in the same boat.”

The cat-beast scanned up and down her body. Her top now replaced, she was also wearing fur-tight black acrylic trousers. Her fur was deep orange-brown, with a white belly and muzzle area and great long, bushy tail sprouted from the back of her suit. Two, pointed ears peeked from the girl’s head, pushing their way through her hazelnut brown hair. But the one thing the cat-beast couldn’t take his eyes off were her deep, jade-green eyes. They worked upon his mind.

From where the girl was standing she knew what this cat was talking about. His denim trousers were very tight. They looked like they could split in half if there were to be a stiff breeze. Apart from that, he had a wide head, an elongated pink nose in the centre, just below his dark brown eyes and streaked red hair, with two rounded ears poking through. He had huge arms, pumped up by his muscles and orange fur. A rather impressive six-pack was visible on his chest through the torn vest and all over his body were thick black stripes. They both had their differences.

The silence was suddenly shattered by another hissing noise. Both beasts shuddered and pivoted to face the cause of the sound. This time, two pods simultaneously opened. There was more groaning.

The tiger averted his gaze by holding a paw over his eyes.

“Whoa, don’t nobody come outta there unless you got some clothes on.”

The vixen shifted her toes and an embarrassed blush crept its way up her furry cheeks.

“Well, I appear to be fully dressed.” said a deep and wise voice from the first open pod.

“Yeah, me too.” This time, a more Texan accent.

The tiger peeked through the stubby fingers to his paw. There was a stutter in his voice.

“Well, tha … that’s cool. ‘Cus I seen enough girly … ‘bits’ for today thank you.”

A creature rose from the third capsule, rubbing his eyes and yawning slightly.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, with a twitch of his black nose.

“Well, I was jus…”
“It doesn’t matter!” interrupted the vixen. She scowled at the tiger and bore the same expression when looking at the newest arrival.

He had a bushy tail much like the vixen, and a pointed white muzzle too. But his fur was brilliant grey, and he had long white hair, making him look very wise indeed. He wore a blue shirt, which was slightly baggy for some reason, underneath a tight black leather jacket and smart black cargo pants. He had equally bright, sapphire-blue eyes, which dazzled in the sterile light. He smiled at the vixen.

“Does anyone else not know where they are?” he asked, with a perplexed expression.

“Does anyone else not know who they are?” asked the Texan voice, and a large yellow cat rose up from the final pod. This cat’s muzzle was slightly thinner than the tiger’s and his vest was completely torn through, but he had the same sort of ripped denim trousers as the tiger. All over his body were large, blotchy, black spots.

“Well, we all appear to be in the same boat,” said the vixen, feeling that she was stating the obvious a bit. The vixen propped up the metal chair and sat down in it. She crossed her legs and rested her chin in her paw, elbow balanced on one knee.

“I don’t remember any of this. Or any of you.”

All around the room, the creatures slowly began to leave their stasis pods and take a look at the room they were in. But once all of the pods were empty, the beasts were startled by a fuzzy, computerised female voice, from apparently out of nowhere.

Stasis procedure complete.
Stasis pod 1 – Successful
Stasis pod 2 – Successful
Stasis pod 3 – Successful
Stasis pod 4 – Successful
Stasis pod 5 – Malfunction
Stasis pod 6 – Malfunction

The tiger and the others looked all around the room to see where the voice had come from.

“Well, four outta six aint bad,” he muttered with obvious sarcasm, scratching his head a little.

The vixen quickly held up a finger to the tiger, not even bothering to look at him. He was soon silenced.

“Do you think it was talking about us? There are four of us here, and …”

She looked over to the stasis pod area. Two pods remained un-opened. Slowly, she made her way over to the first unmoved white oblong. The grey fox hopped out of his pod and went to the second one. From the other side of the room, the cheetah and the tiger both watched with anxious expressions.

The vixen peered through the misty window to the pod. Inside she saw a young girl, with a bushy tail and a narrow snout. But her fur was a dazzling shade of blue and somehow, her little pink dress and yellow and red scarf fitted her perfectly. There were three red ribbons that decorated her tail. She looked so peaceful. Like she was asleep.

“What’dya see?” asked the tiger.

The vixen spent a couple of seconds staring through the window at this girl, but instead of answering, she scanned the oblong for a way of opening it. Nothing. She slipped her fingers into two grooves either side of the pod and started trying to pull the lid off. She gritted her teeth in frustration, as the lid wouldn’t budge. She looked angrily over to the tiger and cheetah.

“Well don’t just stand there you idiots! Come and help me!!”

The two male beasts looked at each other with vacant expressions and then hurried over to the pod. They started violently yanking at the lid, making loud grunting noises as they did so, but not even pure testosterone could open the lid. The cheetah’s paws were hurting, so he let go and gave a thump to the pod.

“Dangit!”

Unwittingly, he had just pounded a selection of buttons, one of which was marked Manual open. Consequently, another loud hissing noise was heard and the tiger was flung backwards by the pod door, still trying to pry it open. The vixen frantically swung her arms trying to clear the smoke and see whether their efforts had been in vain. Then they saw her. A small girl, clutching her teddy bear in one arm, silently lay there, not moving. The vixen leaned over her and gently caressed the young girl’s face with the back of her finger, not saying a word. The cheetah leaned over too.

“Is she … okay?”

After an unbearably long silence, the girl’s eyes slowly began to flicker open. The vixen smiled, knowing that she was going to be all right. All of the other beasts waited in painful suspense. The grey fox wore an expression of concern when he saw the vixen smiling. But when she started talking, he knew that they had rescued one more beast from this situation. The girl wearily looked at the vixen, who was still rolling her paw up and down the girl’s face.

“Doctor Grant?” she said in a small voice, but the vixen quietly hushed her and smiled.

Stasis pod 5 – Manual override successful.

“Don’t worry,” said the vixen in a soothing voice, “Everything will be fine.”

The tiger got up from his squatting position on the floor and shook his dazed head. He stood up jerkily and dusted of his trousers. He smiled and nodded acknowledgment at the vixen. Then he looked over to the grey fox, who was scraping away a thick sheet of ice from the last pod window.

“What’s yours like, fox-boy?”

The fox had carved away most of the ice now and squinted through the ice, but the inside was pitch-black. Then, a small electronic glitch in the lights lit up what lay there for a couple of seconds. The fox turned away with an expression of grief. Inside was a small skeleton, untouched by the merciless hands of time and starved of life for countless years. The fox looked at the others and then to the vixen, who still smiling from her last success and then down at the floor. He shook his head slightly.

The cheetah bit his lip and the tiger sighed with a deadpan face.

“Damn.” He whispered under his breath.

The vixen rolled her eyes down to the floor and then looked back at the girl, who was starting to wake up. She opened her muzzle to speak.

“Nightshade? Is that you?”

All of the other beasts looked over and gradually started to walk to the young girl’s pod.

“Nightshade? You’re grown up now.”

The grey fox leaned over.

“Shadow?”

Then the cheetah and the tiger.

“Eron? Blythe?! You’re all big now. You’re grown up!”

The beasts looked at each other for a while, each face as puzzled as the last. Then the cheetah, Eron spoke up, followed by the tiger Blythe.

“Aw, why do I have to get the geeky name?”

“Yo man, what’s wrong with Eron?”

“Oh yuh, it’s alright for you, you got a cool name. I get lumbered with ‘Eron’!”

“Would you two shut up for one second?!” exclaimed Nightshade. The two cats immediately fell silent and looked first to Nightshade, then to the girl. She was smiling happily.

“It’s just like that dream I had yesterday!” the girl said childishly, “I dreamt that we had all grown up and we had a house on Beta 4 and we played all day and …”

“Whoa, whoa. Slow down there little one.” said Shadow in a deep, soothing tone. He perched himself on the edge of the pod and reached a paw behind the young girl’s back, propping her up against the spongy grey padding. “Now then, I suggest we start off from the beginning, as with all good stories. Now, us grown-ups can’t remember a thing, but you apparently can. Can you tell us everything you know?”

Nightshade smiled affectionately at Shadow’s understanding adult-to-child tone. Then she waited for the young girl’s response. The girl looked at the perplexed expressions all around her and twiddled her paws while she talked.

“We’re on a spaceship. We’re going to a planet called Beta 4. Doctor Grant said it’s the only world for two billion light-years with breathable air. I remember him putting us all to sleep, and then there was a large bang. Something awful happened and I didn’t know what.”

All of the creatures gave a fixed gaze to this girl’s story, as she was their only visible window into the past.

“When you were all asleep, I was the last one to be tucked up, and he told me that …” The girl paused for a moment. Then, in a small voice she said, “That everybody had died.” Small droplets of water began to well up in her eyes.

Eron wandered over and perched next to Nightshade. His strangled Texan accent wasn’t the most comforting noise there was, but his words seemed most soothing indeed.

“Nawh, nawh. Course they didn’t die. We’re still alive aren’t we?”

The girl gave a small sniff. Nightshade looked at Shadow. Shadow nodded slightly, his clear white hair rolled up and down his lean shoulders. He knew what she was thinking.

“Who’s Doctor Grant?” asked Shadow.

The young vixen looked up into Shadow’s bright sapphire blue eyes, a tear rolled down her fur.

“He’s our dad.”

* * *

There was a moment of silence while the beasts looked around at one another, bewildered by the fact that they were all related. The gentle hum of the life support systems was becoming more apparent now, as all over the craft, control panels burst into life, some shorted out again, others stayed inoperative. The Notre Dame was alive again. Back in the agriculture bay, the five beasts were mulling over the tale which the young vixen had just told them. But this fairy story appeared to be true. Nightshade sat, cross-legged in one of the metallic chairs next to a computer control panel. Blythe was pacing up and down along the white plastic floor, his claws making a rhythmic clinking as he walked. Eron leaned against the closed doors to the bay, staring up into the lights. Shadow sat in a metallic chair on the other side of the room, with his one side of his face buried in his paw, long white hair draping over the other. No one spoke. Only the clinking of Blythe’s claws could be heard, ticking like a metronome. The young girl clutched her teddy bear with one paw and dragged it along the floor over to where Nightshade was, gently swaying the ribbons in her tail. She stared up at her, and was met by Nightshade’s puzzle-stricken face. This was turning out to be a most odd dream indeed.

“Is everyone alright?” whispered the young girl to Nightshade. A warming smile crept its way up both sides of Nightshade’s muzzle.

“Yes,” she whispered back, “We’re trying to think what to do next.”

This childish talk was sickening to Blythe as he paced back and forth, especially as he was trying to think, which wasn’t an easy task for him. He gave a low, angry growl.

“I vote we split up and take a look around.” Blythe piped up, wagging his long stripy tail. Almost immediately, Eron launched himself from his leaning against the wall and stood next to Blythe. He nodded extravagantly.

“Yuh. Yuh. I agree with him. One of us stay behind and look after the girl, the rest can explore in groups.”

“I’ll stay behind.” said a dark voice from the corner, coming from Shadow, who was still resting his head in his paw. He slowly looked up at the girl with a face of melancholy, then back down into his paw. Blythe gave a toothy grin, his large beige fangs lit up the room as he rubbed both paws together. He faced Eron, who was doing the same thing, but with wider, goofier eyes. The two males turned to the sliding doors and once again, violently started tugging at both corners. But once again, nothing would budge. Nightshade smiled and delicately wandered over to the door, her tail brushing along the ground as she did so. She held up her paw to the two boys, who having just about enough and made them back off. She stood back herself and with a loud ‘Heeya!’ she karate-kicked a control panel next to the door. Much like the design of the pods, the controls to the door also had a button marked Manual open, which was ironically pressed in the kick. The door gracefully slid open with a quiet hiss. Nightshade winked at the two males and waltzed out of the door into the outside hallway. Blythe and Eron watched her with wide-eyes and slack jaws as she did so.

“She’s good.” stated Blythe as he followed her.

Eron just nodded eccentrically again and walked out of the door. It slid shut again with the same quiet hiss.

* * *

[Elfen_Furry]

Scifer, in just skimming it over, one problem is the overuse of pronouns.
If you are dealing with 1 or 2 per/fursonas, it might be fine, but after reading "The Vixen" for the 25th time, I WANTED TO KNOW HER NAME!!! ARGH!!!

Its a bit confusing, watching a character going through the motions of its life on ascii and yet you dont know how she is... Even if "The Vixen" is going to be killed off in some later chapter, at east give us some personal info so that we can give her a mental headstone.

[Elfen_Furry]

Another problem- some of your quotes are not tied in with characters, which to me is a bad thing. This forces the reader to assume who said what and gives no clear action as to what happened when to was said or how it was stated at all.

For a dialog between two characters, if its only a short dialog, it might be fine, but it must sho who said what first, who said what second, and who said what last before entering into some form of action.

For me, I try not to do that, even with a 2 character dialog.


Otherwise, it sounds like an excellent story with lots of promise. Keep up the good work...

[Scifer]

ugh. I hate this forum.

If you're going to critisize, give me something that ISN'T a paragraph of poking! Give me an example and something about how I can make it better!!

Otherwise, it's just like being punched on the nose.

At least give me a tissue to clean up the mess ...

[Elfen_Furry]

[Elfen_Furry]

[Scifer]

[Shadu]

Now Mike as i see it the story is good. The stasis pods were reported as functioning because they had no pparent malfuction AKA they could be controlled by the main computer. This howerver, does not mean that they survived the events without any damage. they could have had a problem with the freezing gas that was to preserve them. They slept cause the hybernation gases were present but they were not frozen as the litle girl.

remeber the malfunctions and correct functions were of the wake up process not the general ststus of the pod.

[Scifer]

Oh so close.

[Elfen_Furry]

[Cateagle]