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Crimson Abyss - A Sci-Fur Fantasy
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Scifer
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PostPosted: Sat May 15, 2004 4:24 pm    Post subject: Crimson Abyss - A Sci-Fur Fantasy Reply with quote

Well, let's get this forum fired up! Here's the prologue to Crimson abyss, also posted on the Raccoon's Bookshelf.

I hope it gets a bit more feedback here than it did on the 'feedback' board. 5 tumblewweds blew by in as many minutes over there today. 5!

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hikaru
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PostPosted: Sat May 15, 2004 7:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oops.

One clarification - Post your story as plain text, not an attachment. That way people can quote it as they edit and comment.

Mind re-posting that please?

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Elfen_Furry
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PostPosted: Sat May 15, 2004 10:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know I'll be hung for this comment, if so, let me swing.

Lets not post entire stories here...
Snippets are ok for discussion.

The problem is, where to post?
That we have to figure out.

Now... problems...
I agree with CatEagel. Such an engine would not be depoyed in that way. Do alittle research of how things get from the planning stage to actual useful product. It also gives such devices a little bit of history...

"I do have to agree with the orginal design team, the intake ducts were not meant to the chef's personal food processor..."

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Elfen_Furry
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PostPosted: Sat May 15, 2004 11:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

When it takes me more than 30 seconds to scroll past it... its a bit over doing it. Mr. Green

I would say, anything that proves a point or deems judgement. Corrections are of the view of next poster.

Also, if you post too much, another could take take such works and post it as their own. There is still the issuse of copyright to maintain, so this forum has to be vigilant in adhering and I dare say- protection of those rights.

Another question is, who's to post the corrections? As the say, too many chefs spoil the both.

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hikaru
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PostPosted: Sun May 16, 2004 12:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually, as long as the text will fit into one message, I don't have much of a problem with it, though limiting it to one word processor page might be a good idea.

My comment on the story is similar to that of Mikes. Nobody in their right mind would have children aboard a ship using an untested experimental engine. I could see numerous point where people who don't have a suicide wish would have called for a stop to the process before lives were lost.

Unfortunately this gets into one of the things that both Uncle Kage and I have in common with stories: Willing Suspension of Disbelief.

I believe that Uncle Kage said it best when he siad: Willing suspension of disbelief is critical to a story and I'm more than happy to suspend mine. Just don't ask me to hang it from the rafters by a rope until it's dead dead DEAD!

Skipping the plot complications and the suspension of disbelief thing, I think the story actually wasn't badly written. I only saw a few things that I thought might be commented on as far as the actual writing technique.

Quote:
Harry sat in the waiting room, his thumbs orbiting each other.

This is mixing past and present tenses. You can do that, but it sounds better if you didn't. I'd suggesting that he sat impatiently in the waiting room as his thumbs idly danced around each other.

Two things have been done here. One, it reinforces the fact that he's bored and nervous. Second, it keeps everything in the past tense so that your sentence is consistent.

Again, mixing past an present can be done, but you should try to avoid it if at all possible.

Quote:
It clashed with the deep red StarFederation uniform in a way.

This sentence screams for more. It hangs at the end and doesn't give you. Just like the last sentence I wrote does. Smile In what way does it clash? Does it clash like a train wreck, two streams of water, intersecting, or maybe like sweet and sour sauce? The way you left it, let me very dissatisfied as a reader with the description.

Quote:
“Good morning Harry. Take a seat.” said a wise old blubbery voice from the end of the room.

Ok. This is a common mistake that even I make. Wise, old and blubbery are three distinctly unrelated descriptive and therefore need to be separated by a comma. Above you did the same thing when describing the navigators "long blond hair". Long and blond are not directly related. "Long, platinum blond hair" would work as platinum blond are directly related to each other.

That's enough for the moment. Over all, it was a good read. At times, the visualization could be a bit fragmented, and I wasn't quite sure who and where things where happening, but you still got your point across.

My suggestion for your improvement is to slow down and take time with your scenes. Several occurrences happened in the matter of a few sentences where they would have had much more of an impact on the reader if you'd gone into a little greater detail about what was happening.

Keep up the good work. I hope my critique helps. Smile

Cheers

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Elfen_Furry
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PostPosted: Sun May 16, 2004 12:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hikaru wrote:
Actually, as long as the text will fit into one message, I don't have much of a problem with it, though limiting it to one word processor page might be a good idea.


80 characters X 66 Single Spaced lines

or

80 characters X 33 Double Spaced lines

Question

I know- Nitpicking.
Answer: What ever gets the job done.

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hikaru
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PostPosted: Sun May 16, 2004 1:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*bonks Elfen with a nerf bat!*
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Scifer
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PostPosted: Sun May 16, 2004 9:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Crikey! Lots of feedback! Well, first of all, the biggest problem ... the engine research.

I'm planning to set this part of the story in a reality where mankind worked together instead of fighting each other and technology progressed to an overwhelming standard. In this age, technology is so advanced, that people just invent things, computerise and build things and expect them to work. It's getting to that stage in the real world you know.

The whole idea of the problem with the engine is that it's creators were so preoccupied with whether they could ... they didn't stop to think if they should! Confused

And I've got several interesting plot twisters in my head for later on ...

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hikaru
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PostPosted: Sun May 16, 2004 10:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The whole idea of the problem with the engine is that it's creators were so preoccupied with whether they could ... they didn't stop to think if they should!


There's nothing wrong with that premise. Pushing the envelope in engineering development is a normal thing. However, I want you to take a look through the history books and answer the following question.

How many children were involved in:
1) Testing the atomic bomb
2) Sending a man to the moon
3) Breaking the sound barrior
4) Discovery of flight

You get the idea. It's increadibly dangerous and nobody would even contemplate having a child abord a spacecraft with an untested experimental engine.

Sorry... but it's not a plot subject that I can suspend disbelief for.

Now having a ship loaded with adults, I can see. Having a non-experimental engine onboard the first colony ship, I could see. But not what you got. Smile

Cheers.

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Scifer
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PostPosted: Sun May 16, 2004 2:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hehe. I can deal with this one too! *cracks knuckles*

Originally, there WEREN'T any children on board. Only adults, scientists, engineers and researchers. Only on board the ship, after they had assumed that the engine was working (seeing as it hadn't blown up or anything! Confused ) and celebrated. Some of the engineers had kids together, as they had got to know each other working on the project while it was still on the ground. In the years it took the ships to fly out of the perimeter of the solar system, the ships soon had a small population of children onboard. Some of which ... weren't human!

Phew. Well, is that all hunky dorey? Is your belief suspended high enough now?

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hikaru
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PostPosted: Sun May 16, 2004 2:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You've done a good job of cutting my disbelief down. The part of it never having been tested in any way before bothers me, but I'm willing to suspend for that. ^_-
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Cateagle
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PostPosted: Sun May 16, 2004 10:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Regarding snippets, the standard from Baen's Bar seems to be from a paragraph to close to two full pages, hot off the word processor, depending on who's doing the snippeting (Jim Baen once slipped, himself, and posted 11 chapters of a new novel by a new writer; boy did that whet my appetite for the book). In our particular case, I'd say Elfen's definition sounds quite reasonable.

Mike did list one other concern I had, if they were confined to one system, why "StarFederation"?

As to the drive, even if it was a familiar one used at a larger scale than ever before, there should've been a full-scale test vehicle first. The aerospace industry has learned that hard truth over and over again. Now, I can see a combination of the scaled up drive and some peculiar and rare phenomena in trans-planetary space causing the failure.

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Galadrion
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PostPosted: Sun May 16, 2004 10:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Scifer wrote:
In the years it took the ships to fly out of the perimeter of the solar system,

This is where I have a problem - a matter of too much education. Question: assuming a constant-boost vessel, say, 0.01G acceleration (which is possible with current technology - it's well within the limits of current solar sails), how long would it take a ship to travel from the orbit of Sol III out to the orbit of Sol IX?

Answer: on the close order of 49 weeks - just less than a year. The reason the various NASA probes took so long to escape the Solar System was that they weren't constant-boost - they were inertial, once the rockets were expended.

Even if you allow for the ships to be traveling to twice the range of Pluto's orbit, to get well clear of the Oort Cloud and other such distant bodies, it wouldn't take twice as long - closer to a 53% increase, if I'm figuring it right. Puts the trip at somewhere in the near neighborhood of eighteen months.

I could think of a few ways to fix this - forced growth of the "children", an even slower rate of acceleration (say, on the order of 1 milli-gravity - but why would they be travelling so slowly? It would take them weeks to clear the orbit of Luna), Harry starting his private projects well before the fleet's launch - but it should be addressed. Perhaps the fleet must be stationary relative to the nearest stellar mass before the new engines can be triggered - that would effectively double the duration of the trip. Or you could use some other creative-license device to lengthen the journey. The point is, a travel time of years needs to be explained somehow, or the phenomenon of the "children's" age needs to be accounted for.

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Scifer
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PostPosted: Mon May 17, 2004 2:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked

Look over there!

*Runs away.*

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Elfen_Furry
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PostPosted: Mon May 17, 2004 5:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That would have to be on a totally separate topic... Twisted Evil

But I would have to agree on most of these statements thus far. Good science fiction must be able to stand on its own two feet, when given the use of various new technologies. Fuel is always a constant problem, as is food, and with some, mating seasons and rituals (Every 7 years for Vulcans? Can you image a star ship full of them where 50% of the personal goes into PonFar? SHEESH!)

Time has always been another factor. But alas, when one has to build a universe, it is best to measure twice and cut once.

Scifer- Put together a Preface to explain how the story was started, how the technologies developed and works, and how the social working of it all ties all this together. Also remember the basics of Science Fiction- When in doubt, refer to the laws of nature: "Matter and Energy can not be created or destroyed, only interchanged."

It took me a bit over a year to start my Tabiverse "Skip On The Broken Record." I had to review many things, besides Chris & James' Tabitha, but also current theories of Space Time Multiverses and Sci-Fi Technologies (old and new). I'll admit one thing here... One of the platform devices I use for Time Travel , if you can get it- Last Episode of Logan's Run (TV Series), which involved the Time Traveler, its the one and the same, but with some modifications to make it compatible to Chris & James' Time Portal Ring.

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