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Cateagle Site Owner
Joined: 20 Nov 2000 Posts: 1004 Location: Ft. Worth, TX
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Posted: Wed Feb 04, 2004 8:10 pm Post subject: "Two-Way Street" |
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Very good and solid story that works nicely with all we know. *smiles* Kinda puts me in mind, in a way, of Three Wooden Crosses by Randy Travis. _________________ "But the wildest of all the wild animals was the Cateagle. He walked by himself and all places were alike to him."
-- With apologies to Rudyard Kipling
Last edited by Cateagle on Mon Feb 09, 2004 1:18 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Styx Site Owner
Joined: 25 Dec 2002 Posts: 3176 Location: West Covina, California
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Posted: Wed Feb 04, 2004 8:25 pm Post subject: |
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I appreciate that Categale. Is there anything about it you think I should work on improving? I read and reread over it several times both before I put it out there back in March on James's site and after and I don't know I just can't seem to put my finger on exactly where but parts of it seem I don't know...forced I guess. _________________ "Political Correctness is tyranny with manners." Charlton Heston
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Cirrel Registered User
Joined: 29 Mar 2003 Posts: 265 Location: 400 miles north of everywhere
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 5:32 pm Post subject: |
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Okay! Feed back. First I liked the story. It describes a portion of Zig's past not seen elsewhere, and new things about a familiar character are always interesting. Now, onto the suggestions. Remember, these are merely my suggestions and suppositions. You don't have to agree. You say some parts of the story seemed forced. Maybe they were! And that may have to do with transitions between ideas in the story.
This is just a critique of the first paragraph, but the suggestions can be applied elsewhere.
What I looked at in the first paragraph was your sentence and thought progression. How smoothly does the story flow, and is the rate of flow consistent with the story? Being an introductory paragraph, I assumed you wanted to set the stage and introduce the characters and all those ideas are included here.
Your paragraph: Setting and time part.
The day was of one those that could only be described as perfect. The sky was a deep blue with a sparse collection of clouds that looked more like pure white clumps of pillow fluff. It was one of those days that would make furs of all ages want to call in sick. Fortunately though, this perfect day landed on a Saturday.
Your paragraph: Character introduction part.
Exiting an antique shop, James Sheppard & Zig Zag walked arm in arm. Her other arm was wrapped around her purchase. Zig contemplated the package and chuckled. This got James' attention.
Two things you might want to work on here.
1) Unneeded words.
2) The transitions from idea to idea and from setting to characters.
My edit: Time/setting
"The day could only be described as perfect. The deep blue sky was dotted with pillow-fluff clouds and the breeze was warm and refreshing. It was one of those days that made furs of all ages want to call in sick. Fortunately, this perfect day had landed on a Saturday, which made it perfect for shopping. Downtown Columbus was awash in furs happily separating themselves from their money."
I actually have more words here than you do! But I added some descriptions and I was working on scene flow and transition. Notice how it starts out describing the whole sky (big) and then narrows it down to downtown Columbus (smaller). It's like the reader is zooming in to the spot where the characters will appear. Also, there is the transition from 'perfect day' (general) to 'perfect shopping day'. (Specific activity) This also narrows the idea and allows us to introduce the characters more easily since they are shoppers.
My edit: Character introduction
Two of those shoppers stepped out of an antique store, arm in arm, and started walking down the bustling street. One of them, a tiger striped skunk, held a package in her other arm. For a moment Zig Zag contemplated the package and then chuckled.
"What's so funny Zig?" asked James Sheppard, a coyote with an unusually colored coat that Zig found attractive. ...
Again, I was going for smooth transitions. The shoppers are anonymous at first, and then they are narrowed down to specific furs. You could even eliminate James' last name if you're sure your audience is familiar with the relationship between the two. The physical descriptions (tiger-striped skunk - unusually colored coat) could also be eliminated.
Now, transitions don't have to be smooth all the time! However, because this first paragraph was describing a relaxed atmosphere, smooth transitions seem best to me. When you get into conflicts, or when events are happening fast, more abrupt transitions work better. You can even mix them up. Smooth for a while and then, POW! Surprise action! It's whatever you want the reader to feel.
The best way I've found to get a feel for the transitional flow of a story is to read it out loud, or better yet, have someone read it to you.
I hope this helps.
Cirrel _________________
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Cirrel Registered User
Joined: 29 Mar 2003 Posts: 265 Location: 400 miles north of everywhere
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 5:52 pm Post subject: |
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One more note on transitions. Some can be almost too abrupt. Take the following example:
James gave a short laugh but there was no humor in it. "Some husband, the way she died was my fault."
Zig Zag's eyes widened. "James, you can't blame yourself for Beth's death. You couldn't have saved her even if it happened at the hospital in an emergency room full of doctors. It was just too fast! You not being there made no difference. She still would have died." She gently squeezed his paws in hers.
"No Zig, you don't understand. I do not blame myself because she died. I blame myself for how she died." He was crying in earnest now, tears coming in a steady stream, his body shaking. "
Question: When did he start crying, if he is crying in earnest now? That implies an increase from a previous state of crying. True, James seems the type to hold it in, and then let it out in a burst, but maybe a bit more description of his inner turmoil before he started crying would make the outburst more believeable.
Another 2 cents worth.
Cirrel _________________
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Tygon Site Owner
Joined: 03 Apr 2001 Posts: 2497 Location: Isernhagen, Lowersaxony, Germany
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 6:08 pm Post subject: |
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That's the kind of feedback every author longs for. _________________ Tygon Panthera - name and species
www.planetfurry.com/~tygon/ |
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Cirrel Registered User
Joined: 29 Mar 2003 Posts: 265 Location: 400 miles north of everywhere
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 6:16 pm Post subject: |
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Tygon wrote: | That's the kind of feedback every author longs for. |
True, but it's hard to come by because its hard to do. I think I spent 3 times as much time on the critique as I did reading the story. Anyone reading strictly for enjoyment probably won't take the time to do an in depth critique.
Maybe what we need is a private forum, where you're not allowed to post your stuff for critique unless you critique others.
Kind of an 'I'll do yours if you do mine.' sort of thing.
Cirrel _________________
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Tygon Site Owner
Joined: 03 Apr 2001 Posts: 2497 Location: Isernhagen, Lowersaxony, Germany
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 6:38 pm Post subject: |
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Cirrel wrote: | Maybe what we need is a private forum, where you're not allowed to post your stuff for critique unless you critique others.
Kind of an 'I'll do yours if you do mine.' sort of thing. |
Sounds nice but I fear that that would be a rather empty forum...
Or parhaps I would be surpised and proven wrong... _________________ Tygon Panthera - name and species
www.planetfurry.com/~tygon/ |
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Cirrel Registered User
Joined: 29 Mar 2003 Posts: 265 Location: 400 miles north of everywhere
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 6:47 pm Post subject: |
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Tygon wrote: | Cirrel wrote: | Maybe what we need is a private forum, where you're not allowed to post your stuff for critique unless you critique others.
Kind of an 'I'll do yours if you do mine.' sort of thing. |
Sounds nice but I fear that that would be a rather empty forum...
Or parhaps I would be surpised and proven wrong... |
Maybe it ought to be done rather like an 'art trade' between artists. "I'll read yours and comment if you read mine and comment." However, the problem still remains - How to get furs to take the time required for a worthwhile critique.
Maybe it just comes down to doing a critique on someone else's work and hoping they'll return the favor.
Cirrel _________________
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Styx Site Owner
Joined: 25 Dec 2002 Posts: 3176 Location: West Covina, California
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2004 7:54 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you Cirrel, this was most helpful I like the rewrite examples and the point about James's internal emotional battle, I will definitely try to keep these in mind when doing the second draft of my current story. _________________ "Political Correctness is tyranny with manners." Charlton Heston
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Cateagle Site Owner
Joined: 20 Nov 2000 Posts: 1004 Location: Ft. Worth, TX
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Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 1:23 pm Post subject: |
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I like Cirrel's suggestions, they're along the lines of the approach I'm taking in going over the story for you. I'll send a markup when I'm finished. *Chuckle* It'll be a friendly edit, just like my chapters get from my editors. As long as time permits, I'm always willing to help with this kind of thing. _________________ "But the wildest of all the wild animals was the Cateagle. He walked by himself and all places were alike to him."
-- With apologies to Rudyard Kipling |
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Styx Site Owner
Joined: 25 Dec 2002 Posts: 3176 Location: West Covina, California
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Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 2:21 pm Post subject: |
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Much appreciated Categale email it to my PF mail account I'd hate for my filters on my main account to kill it. _________________ "Political Correctness is tyranny with manners." Charlton Heston
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Cateagle Site Owner
Joined: 20 Nov 2000 Posts: 1004 Location: Ft. Worth, TX
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Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2004 3:16 pm Post subject: |
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Styx wrote: | Much appreciated Categale email it to my PF mail account I'd hate for my filters on my main account to kill it. |
I shall when I get it finished, this weekend was sub-optimal in time available for editting purposes. _________________ "But the wildest of all the wild animals was the Cateagle. He walked by himself and all places were alike to him."
-- With apologies to Rudyard Kipling |
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Concolor Registered User
Joined: 19 Nov 2001 Posts: 832 Location: South Carolina
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 4:15 pm Post subject: |
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Just read the story on the Bookshelf, and I liked it.
Just read Cirrel's critiques above, and gosh, I wish I could do that! He's right on target about having someone read it aloud to you. Reading it aloud to an interested party also works. I think I'll include him on all my future editing needs.
This is a good 'slice-of-life' story, nice and short, and fleshes out the backstory. Thank you very much! _________________ Oddly enough, my life is based on a true story. (Ashleigh Brilliant) |
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Styx Site Owner
Joined: 25 Dec 2002 Posts: 3176 Location: West Covina, California
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 6:50 pm Post subject: |
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No thank you, That means a lot coming from you Concolor I'm glad you liked it. _________________ "Political Correctness is tyranny with manners." Charlton Heston
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