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Second chances restarted yet unfinished

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Joined: 07 Jan 2009
Posts: 190
Location: the tiny town of sanford north carolina

PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 8:14 pm    Post subject: Second chances restarted yet unfinished Reply with quote

ok earlier i posted the first chapter of my story but then took it of after reading it myself. to put it simply it sucked! so now i have posted the new and improved but yet unfinished chapter to absorb you critique


By: Jon (RCraccoon) Piper
Chapter 1: Change of Heart
Ever since summer vacation had began in the small town of San Clemente California Jake palmer hadn’t gotten more than two minutes to himself aside from bathing, eating, and sleeping. The rest of his life had to be spent cleaning and packing so that he and his mother could move back to their old home in Sanford North Carolina.

“Ma I still don’t see why I can’t stay here with my friends.” Jake said to his mother as he helped her move a box up the ramp and into the moving van. “You know it’s gonna be hard enough to get by after this move without you having to feed my face every day, honestly I can only see myself as a burden.”

Jakes mom set the box down then stood up and arched her back taking a deep breath before she finally replied. "Jake, don’t you think I know that things are gonna be a little tight around this family?" She asked, but then continued before Jake could respond. “Honey listen the thought of you staying here has definitely crossed my mind. Your more than old enough to know what you want in life, but I can barely trust you to leave this house without getting yourself into trouble, and after the stunts you pulled in school last year…” she paused for a moment to let Jake recall the many mishaps of his sophomore days. “I just don’t see it happening.”

“But I just… cant imagining starting my life over like this.” Pleaded Jake.

“I know I’ve been through the same.” She said. “But just try to be positive about things and you’ll get used to the idea soon enough.”

“Yeah but…”Jake started to say but was cut off when his mother snapped back.

“I’m really not in any mood to start arguing with you about this” her tail began twitching in annoyance. “I’ve made up my mind already, your coming back home with me whether you want to or not”

“Now.” She added changing the subject. “Let's go move a few more of these boxes then we can go get some lunch.”

After their late afternoon meal Jake and his mom worked diligently to load the few remaining boxes into the van within the few remaining hours of daylight they had left. When the house was finally emptied of all the palmer family’s furnishings save for some clothes and a few needed toiletries, jakes feelings that he was finally moving set in. he went over to one corner of what used to be his bedroom and sat down with his knees brought up to his chest and his head resting on his arms. He sat there for a long while reminiscing about his friends, girlfriends, and all the many adventures he had been lucky to share with them over the past couple of years. Jake hated his mom for making him leave all of hat behind but he couldn’t blame her for not wanting to move.

Ever since Jake’s father died in Iraq his mom had begun breaking down whenever anything that reminded her of him came up, and lately she was becoming even more stressed out over the little things than normal so moving back to north Carolina where she could be closer to family was probably the best thing she could do for herself. Besides if Jake were to stay here he could only imagine what kind of impact it would have on her losing the only other man in her life. And anyway looking back on the memories he had of back home, were just as fun as the ones he had here.

The next few days were spent scrubbing and painting in order to have the house ready to be inspected. After scanning the walls carefully for any stray nail holes he may have missed Jake stepped back to admire his handiwork but frowned at the sight of it. All over the living room wall were hideous splotches of white filler against the artistically yellow tinted paint that his mother had so painstakingly applied. Massaging his paws Jake winced at the thought of having to repaint the living room just to hide the blemishes of the wall but he knew is mother would make him do it anyway. After another two hours of back breaking work the walls had become spotless with white paint. Exhausted from the effort Jake lay down in the sun that was pouring through the big picture window, letting the heat warm his fur. Enjoying the feeling Jake decided that he might as well take a short nap before his mother got home from work.

As Jake slept his mind drifted from one memory to the next. First and foremost was the one of his girlfriend, Michelle Brookfield, a gorgeous black and white Siberian tigress who had spent her entire life in San Clemente. Like he was watching it in a movie theater he recalled his first date with her...

The hot California sun was beating heavily on Jake’s face as he followed the all too familiar surfing trail to the beach. The heat was almost completely absorbed by the dark gray of his fur, but he didn’t care, not today. Today he had been given a special opportunity, the chance to spend the day with the girl who was more beautiful by comparison to any other he had ever known. Lost in thought, Jake almost tripped on the set of makeshift stairs cut into the steep incline of a sandstone hillside as he walked down contemplating as to what she had in store for him.
Scanning the beach for her, Jake finally spotted Michelle sitting at a table by herself beneath an oversized beach umbrella. Walking up to her he said as nonchalantly as he could. “Hey do you mind if I join you?”
“Oh hey you’re here. What took you so long?” She asked.

“Sorry it was hard to pick you out from this huge mob of furs.” Replied Jake.

“No worries, I just got here myself.”

“So Michelle… why is it exactly that you called me down here? I mean we hardly know each other as it is.” Asked Jake.

“Is there something wrong with that? You seemed like a fairly nice guy but seeing as you’re the only one who hasn’t made any effort to get in my pants, I felt that you would be someone I might want to get to know a little better.”

“Well I sure don’t have a problem with it.” Replied Jake.

“That’s the other thing I like about you.” Michelle added. “It's that accent of yours. I’ve never met someone from the south before.”

“Well I must admit it can be quite the head turner around this neck of the woods.”

“So tell me about yourself Jake. What’s your life like?” Michelle asked.

So that’s how the rest of the afternoon preceded the two young furs questioning each other about their pasts, the goods and the bads. It was surprising to both of them to find out about how much they had in common. For instance both had lost their fathers, and both of them had been raised in not so pristine conditions.

As the sun began to set over the seemingly endless horizon of water, Jake and Michelle were sitting on the cool evening sand watching as the waves rose and fell onto the beach

“I had a nice time today.” Commented Michelle as she rested her head on jakes shoulder. “I really enjoyed have someone that I can just… talk to”

“Well I’m always glad to help out”

Would you like to go and maybe catch a movie with me some time?” she asked.

“no.” Jake said flatly.

“What? Why?” asked Michelle, turning her head to look at Jake.

“Movies are just… so impersonal. All you do is sit in a dark room with someone and not get to know a thing about them.” He stated. “However, I would be more than happy to treat you to dinner any day of the week.”

“I'd like that” said Michelle “I'd like that a lot.”…….

“Jake? Jake you need to get up now honey” Said jakes mom who was standing by his head looking down at him.

“Huh? What? What’s going on?” he asked looking around trying to figure out where he was.

“You must have fallen asleep while I was gone.” She replied. “But you need to get off the floor the home inspector will be here any second.”

Jake now sat up straight on the empty floor of what used to be his living room looking up at his mother “How long was I out for?” He asked.

“I don’t know I just walked in” she said

Just then the door bell rang, and Jake sprang up to answer it. The fur that stood before him was a very beautiful young vixen that couldn’t possibly be too much older than Jake, who under any other circumstance would have passed her for a junior if it was not for the pantsuit she was wearing.

“Hey there young man is Sarah Palmer home?” she asked, looking down at her clipboard to make sure she got the name right.

“Here I Am.” said Jake's mom as she walked up to the doorway putting her hand on his shoulder. “I take it that you must be our home inspector?”

“Yes I am, and my name is Karen Bishop by the way.” She said, offering a paw to Sarah.

Sarah shook paws with the vixen, and quickly remembering her manners offered for her to come inside.

“Jake, why don’t you go get this young lady some sweet tea.” suggested Sarah.

“Yes ma.” Jake said, then turned around and walked away towards the kitchen.

“Wow, I wasn’t expecting this house to be so big on the inside.” Commented Karen, as she took in every detail of the entryway.

“So what brought you folks out from the south?” Karen asked, trying to start some friendly conversation.

“How do you mean?” asked Sarah, slightly taken aback by the question.

“Oh, well I didn’t mean anything by it, just that you don’t find many raccoons so close to the beach.”

“Oh well that’s one of the reasons that we’re moving, the water really doesn’t fit into our comfort zone” Sarah laughed

Just then, Jake returned from the kitchen with a glass of sweet tea and handed it to Karen, who took a cautious first sip and smiled at the delightful taste.

The next while was spent walking through every nook and cranny of the house while watching Karen take notes and answering her questions about its history.

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Joined: 12 Nov 2001
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Location: Norway

PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2009 1:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A nice enough beginning.

I have no clue what the 'Home inspector' is, some sort of agent for the brokerage firm handling the sale of the house?
(If so, small holes in the walls won't matter much. At worst it means you get slightly less for the house because it needs to be repaired by whomever buys it.)

Never mind...
(I'm from Norway. We do weird stuff... )

Now, the problem is your punctuation, specifically, when dealing with dialogue.

“Ma I still don’t see why I can’t stay here with my friends.” Jake said to his mother

When dialogue is followed directly by a 'he said/said the fox/exclaimed the ferret/whatever' bit, it's clear that the dialoge and the following text isn't TWO, but ONE sentence, and you use a comma instead of a full stop.

Also, to follow up on that line of reasoning...

"Jake, don’t you think I know that things are gonna be a little tight around this family?" She asked

The questionmark is correct, but as this IS still the same sentence, don't use a capital 's' for 'she asked'.

And finally...
“I know I’ve been through the same.” She said. “But just try to be positive about things and you’ll get used to the idea soon enough.”

Those two parts of dialogue 'feels' like they belong together. And that leads to the part where dialogue is at the end of the sentence.
Then you drop the full stop after 'she said' and replace it with a comma. And of course, the dialogue looses its capital 'B'...


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