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Random Season's

 
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Benleopard
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Location: Finally free from D-land

PostPosted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 4:03 am    Post subject: Random Season's Reply with quote

This is a current work in progress, would like any and all feedback as possible. It is a branch off Open Season's (also still working on the title, any suggestions).

'Chapter 1"


As the sun light slowly breaks though the morning clouds over a southern California television production studio a rather pudgy rabbit manager begins his standard daily routine, then suddenly stops and storms out of his deluxe office at the top of the building.

"Did you hear that" a female ferret said to her co-worker

"Sure did, guess he found that e-mail Ben sent to everyone' a male rabbit chuckles then both turn pale white seeing the pudgy boss exit out of the elevator and storm past them with doom and gloom look on his face.

"Ben!! Where are you Ben!! Get your sorry excuse of a Panther out here now!!"

'Um, boss.." the female ferrite says but is cut off short.

"What!! If you want to keep working here, tell me where Ben is now!?!"

She becomes very rattled and points down the long hall, speaking rather shakily from his outburst, "um... h-h-he's down.. t-there in the editing bays" she states. Quietly watching the boss cursing up a storm while stomping his feet, marching down the hall toward the editing bay she then quietly wipers, not wanting to be heard, "I guess this is the end for Ben. And he's the best we have."

The pudgy rabbit boss slams the door open into the editing bay. Then, with a blank look of confusion, stares into the pitch black room before he cautiously enters. With anger still in his voice, he calls "Ben god dammit, get your ass out here now to where I can see you!!!" he states why trying to get the light on.

"Whats up boss bunny> " Ben whispers from behind him into his left ear.

Turning around, the pudgy boss is startled and begins to yell at the six foot tall pure black panther, wearing his traditional black Adidas sweatshirt and large black cargo pants, "What the hell are you doing sending a e-mail to everyone in the god dam building saying 'You Quit'!!"

"It's very simple boss bunny, I quit because I found a better job. Hell, they pay a lot more than you ever did, with annual pay raises with credit for any award winning productions." Ben says in a calm tone then slowly lean down almost nose to nose with his former boss, "Unlike you, who has stolen all my credit and every award that I have pulled out from the shit material this place produces."

With that being said, the pudgy bunny stands there with a bit of fear in his eyes, looking up into a very angry panther.

Regaining his composer, the pudgy boss yells "Get your things and get out of this building, you have until noon and I will have security watching you!!"

"You got it." Ben says, as he grabs his current work and walks casually out the door.


"Dam, he must have been really pissed off at Ben, that pour guy." the female ferret says to her rabbit co-worker.

"Oh yeah, I could really hear his yelling from two floors down" the male rabbit replies, "you think we should drop by and give him a good luck party?"

"Oh that's a good idea, but I don't know where he lives. And I bet no one in this building really cares about him."

"Yeah, always seems that way, the big guy stealing his work. I don't blame him saying the two words we would all like to say." the male rabbit finishes.

"I know, but where is he going to go?"


Reaching his reliable black 1967 Shelby Cobra GT350 Mustang in the parking lot of his now former employment, Ben pulls out his I-phone and makes a call, "Hey sis, its your little bro... yeah, bunny boss just saw the e-mail today, lucky I had all my things packed and out of my office two weeks ago... Yeah, I am sure this is the right thing to do... I know, I know... Sure by all means, come down to my place, I will cook... OK, I will see you at eight, and bring your husband with you." Hanging up the phone and climbing into the black leather seats, almost blending completely in with the whole care, he fires up the engine, before putting in one of his favorite Cd's. Suddenly cranking up the volume of the newly installed speaker system, blasting out the music of Powerman 5000 - Free as he peels out of the parking lot, heading towards the beaches with a grin on his muzzle.


Later that evening at his apartment home, Ben has the stereo playing classical music while he sits in front of his computer triple checking that everything is in order for his move up to the Seattle area, when he hears a loud knock on the door

"One sec." Ben calls over the music, "Hey, sis. And it looks like you dragged Greg along with you." Ben grins at the arrival of his albino panther sister and her six foot five tall mountain lion husband Greg.

"So tell me little brother of mine, what is this all about beside the bad treatment from your former employer?"

"Well its kinda simple if you think about it Sis, I want out of this crazy state. And before you say anything, I would like you two to move in here. Its a lot better than that one bedroom apartment you have now. I own this condo and it has a great view of the beach, plus you can never predict the future, so their are 3 bedrooms for any little ones that may come along." Ben states while grinning at his awestruck sister and brother in-law.

"Your serious about this?" Krystal asks.

"Dead set on it, and I won't take no for an answer. Plus, you two have already done so much for me and its not like we wont talk to each other when I move. We do play the same online game so you know that we have a means of communication." Ben grins again, "Besides, I will know this place is in good hands as well."

"OK fine, we'll take the offer, stubborn cat."

"I learned from the best" Ben grins.

"So where's this new place you got lined up and you said you got a job up there?"

"A yup, got a similar job. But the difference is the pay, benefits and the rights to my work. Plus I get to work with the best people in the area," Ben replies happily to his sister.

"How about your place to live?" Greg states

"Oh, I found a nice apartment complex in close driving distance to the studio and I have read that there is a great nightspot there called 'Open Seasons'... I need to check it out."

Ben gives a soft chuckle while heading to the kitchen, “So who wants BBQ chicken or ribs?"

“I will take the chickens and I think Greg will have some of your ribs” Krystal says then pauses for a moment, “Are you really sure that you want to hand this place over to us? I mean its so wonderful and nice, plus a great place too. Right up against the beach and you have said that its a great neighborhood to raise little ones.”

“You know, you are starting to sound like mom there for a second sis,” Ben kidded while avoiding a playful swipe. “And yes, I am positive about this. You two have been looking out for me for some time and I am one hundred percent certain about this. I even have the paperwork to sign over the deed for this place to you two. Got several sets of keys here and the gate access code.”

“But this all so sudden, what has really gotten into you little brother of mine?” she asks as she looks at him with intense and curious eyes.

“Simple sis, I've been used by my former boss while getting paid little to nothing for it. We used to live close to the beach when growing up, and you know that I have never been much of a beach goer. But for the most part, never really much liked the day time. So don't worry about it, everything will turn out right. I will come down every once in a while for a visit or you two can come on up to Seattle to visit...”

“But are you...”

“What your sister is implying is that we care for you and want to make sure this is what you really want.” Greg adds interrupting his wife.

Ben stops and thinks for a brief moment then gives a solid nod, “Yes, this is really what I want. To get away from everything down here and start anew in a more comfortable setting, meet new furs and have a blast at it.” Ben pauses a bit more before serving the dinner to his guests. “Oh I forgot, I will be leaving tomorrow, all my stuff is already on its way up, the furnishings are yours, you may do as you like and don't worry, I have extra money on the side to get my new place furnished the way I like it.”

“But but but, why so soon?” Krystal ask showing her worry and concern.

“Well, because I gave my two weeks notice two weeks ago and boss bunny just found it today in his e-mail. I have been planning this for some time and I have made sure that everything is in place, the only thing left is for you two to now call this place home. Everything is paid for, the next six months, and after that all you need to pay for is basic utilities. Trash service is free and... “ Ben becomes silence after being hugged tightly by his sister from behind.

“You're a good brother you, know that.” she says, continue to tighten her hug on Ben while sniffling, to prevent herself from crying. Then she feels a soft tap on the back of her paws, coming from Ben.

“Air” Ben wheezes out.

With that said she releases her grip with a bit of laughter.

Later in the evening after both the his older sister and brother in-law Greg have been well fed, Ben hands them two sets of keys and a small note, “Here you go. These are the keys to your new home and the gate access code. I have already notified everyone here that you two will be moving into the place.” With that being said, Ben sister gave him another crushing hug and a peck on his muzzle.

“Thank you so much for doing this, now we need to give our apartment manager our monthly notice that we will be moving out.”
Ben taps her shoulders again wheezing out, “Air” grinning with his tongue sticking out in a silly manner. “And don't worry, this place will be your starting now, but with that being said, I am crashing here for the night,” he says with a chuckle.

“Oh you, now get some sleep and don't forget to call us when you get up there.”

“No problem sis, now take care and have a safe drive home.” Ben states. A few minutes later he watches them head toward the gates and exit out of the gated complex, with a smile showing on his muzzle, he goes back to clean up after the wonderful meal and company he had.

After thirty minuets of cleaning up and making sure everything is ready for his sister and brother in-law Greg to take over this place tomorrow, he heads off to his current bed room.

Heads towards the closest and pulls out a tightly rolled up Grey blanket. Moving to the center of the room, then slowly sitting down in lotus position, he begins to slowly unroll the blanket, revealing a old family dream-catcher and several bead necklaces. Ben sits quietly for a few moments then begins to softly chant from memory in his ancestral Seminole language, placing a spiritual protection ward up on the home for those who will inhabit it. After thirty minutes of chanting, he slows down as the ritual finished. Afterward, he gently places the dream-catcher back beside the bead necklaces and re-roll the Grey blanket neatly.

Slowly getting up from the lotus position on the floor, the replaces it, deep in the corner of the upper shelf. Nodding gently at its secure location, he heads off to bed to get some well needed sleep for the long journey about to begin tomorrow.

Unknown to Ben as he slowly climbs into bed, two pairs of disembodied red eyes softly glow through the third story windows into his room.
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Teric
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 3:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I noticed some spelling errors, I'll list a few of them here:

Quote:
'Um, boss.." the female ferrite says but is cut off short.

Quote:
marching down the hall toward the editing bay she then quietly wipers, not wanting to be

Did you intend to say 'whimpers'?
Quote:
Regaining his composer, the pudgy boss yells

I think 'composure' was the word you meant to use there.
Quote:
pissed off at Ben, that pour guy.

I think it would be difficult to 'pour' a panther unless you put him through a blender first. Wink

Also noticed that you use the word 'pudgy' almost every time you make reference to the boss; it seems repetitive. I think you could use that word once or twice to give the initial description, but then simply say 'the boss' or 'the big rabbit' in later references.

Interesting premise here. Clearly you plan to tie this in to the 'open seasons' universe, and there's plenty to work with there. I find myself asking, though: what is it exactly that Ben does for a living? Seems like he works for some sort of production studio, but what type? Movies? Music? Art? TV Shows? What sort of ideas did he have that were stolen by the boss?

And what is this great new opportunity up in Seattle? I assume you'll cover that in the next chapter or two, but all of these questions did leave me feeling a bit bewildered.

And glowing red eyes looking into his window... Shocked Creepy stuff going on there... I assume that his ritual (of protection?) is keeping them from actually entering, but might he have detected their presence as part of the ritual?

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Benleopard
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Joined: 28 Jan 2009
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Location: Finally free from D-land

PostPosted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 4:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

those are all valid questions Teric. But as the ancient egyptian would say, it's not the destination but the journey that matters.

But yes, I know my spelling does lack in area's.

As for the bewildered part, I think I that left a good mark and a sense of cliff hanger of the reader wanting more. But yes, I know I need more work on it and my muse is kicken me hard each day and I must say that my tail is getting sour from it. Razz

As for the creepy eyes part, its in reference to the next chapter, but yes I will need to go back and put more information back into the intro chapter.
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Benleopard
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Joined: 28 Jan 2009
Posts: 390
Location: Finally free from D-land

PostPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 3:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chapter 2

As soon as Ben places his head on the pillow, he is out like a light into a light sleep, but a feeling of strange sensation overcome him in his sleep. Feeling a soft pull as Ben wakes up finding that he is no longer in the beach condo that he will be handing over to his sister Krystal and her husband Greg in the morning, but in what appears to be a endless stretch of a dry salt lake bed. The sky in purest black with bright shinning lights of distant stars all around. Admiring the spenders of the place, Ben feels several prying eyes gazing upon him.

“Please show yourself, I mean no harm” Ben ask cautiously as he turns around to see if anyone or thing is nearby.

As Ben does a full complete turn around to get a grasp of whom might be watching, a feral fox and a raven appear in plain view in front of him as if they stepped out behind a veil to reveal themselves.

“Ah, the young one seeks guidance and patience” spoke the raven

“Indeed he does my rival. His blood may be weak but his heart is strong and proud inheritance of his ancestors,” spoke the fox.

“OK, now I am at a complete lost in what is going on,” Ben mumbles looking at the fox and raven in bewilderment.

“This always amuses me to no end,” grinned the fox upon Ben.

“He is a bright one, give him time to put things together,” replied the raven.

Still puzzled from the two talking feral, Ben sits down on anticipating a very hard salty earth, but feels a soft comfort of a plush cushion underneath him, “Um... what is going on here?” Ben ask in the most confused tone.

“Why you summoned us young one.” Grinned the fox.

“Hmm, summoned... oh god's,” Ben sudden realize and bows down as far as possible with is nose mere inches from the ground, “ancestral spirits of old, I am sorry for the miss understanding.”

“Told you he was a bright one... the others that summon us, not knowing of some portions of the land ancestors are very empty,” the raven reply looking at the fox spirit.

“True, but they are always fun to toy with here.” The fox spirit looks back to its raven companion.

“That may be, its always fun to watch as you send them on a journey of endless amusement you trickster.” The raven say's looking back at Ben now, “You may raise your head young one of the panther tribe.”

Ben slowly rises back up into a more conferrable position, making sure not to sit down on his tail. With the Raven spirit of old to his right and the Trickster Fox spirit to his left, he cautiously addresses them both, “I am sorry for any inconvenience great spirits of old, but I have a request to bless the house I currently reside in for protection.”

“Protection young one... hmm, yeas that we can do but at a request of leaving the artifacts you used to summon us within the home.” the fox spirit says in a somewhat cold manner.

“Um, yes... I have them stored in a closet.”Ben reply's cautiously to the fox spirit.

“Told you he was a bright one,” the raven spirit, “But seeing as its almost dawn we must be on our way, and young one.”

“I see ancestral spirit, I will do so.” Ben reply's to the raven.

“Good now rest, your journey now begins, sleep.” The fox, and with that being said Ben wakes up in a cold sweat.

Rubbing his eye's, he pears out the window seeing the sun slowly rise over mountains to the east. Ben slowly gets up and out walking casual in the fur to adjacent bathroom, starting his morning routine. Finishing with his shower and drying off, he wraps the towel tightly around his waist, heading off to the kitchen to finish off the last of his favorite cereal of Corn Pop's.

“Hmm, just about 7am... way to early for me to up and walking about. But what a strange dream last night, I wonder if it has meaning.” Ben slowly gets up, finishing the last of the cereal in the bowl before ricing it out, placing into the dishwasher and starting the small load. Remembering bits of the events last night, he decides in writing a note to his sister Krystal.


Hey their Krystal and Greg, there is some precious items that I have left inside this closet. Please for my sake do not move the items inside a old Grey blanket. Do not moves it until you have your first born, I know it is not apart of Christian belief, I respect your wishes as you respect my own, inside are family heirlooms, once your firstborn is here, you may open up the Grey blanket and hang the dream-weaver above the crib. I have asked a few friends to bless this new home for you two and the family to come.

Many thanks and blessings from your brother
~Ben


Happy with his paw written not, he tapes it to the door of the closet where he placed the old relics the night before. With that task out of the way, he began to thoroughly clean up every room within the condo, making it completely fur-less for his sister Krystal and brother Greg to move in latter in the day. Now happy that everything seams to be set in place, Ben picks up the last of his clothing and the computer tower and places them in the back seat of his Black 1967 Shelby Cobra GT350 Mustang. He gently eases himself into the driver seat, turn the engine on and listen to it purr as it comes to life. Making a double check to see that he has everything, Ben slowly pulls out from the underground parking and heads off to his new home up in Seattle.


Peering out of the window as Ben drives off in his 1967 Shelby Cobra GT350 Mustang, two pairs of red eyes watch him drive off to his new destination and his path.

“His path is dark and full of pearl.” Spoke the raven watching the Mustang turn around the and go out of sight.

“But that is what makes it so fun with many lessons to learn,” spoke the fox.

“True, every correct path is full of such dangers, but do you think...”

“Nah, not yet. But then again, maybe a few hints of his lost soul mate may spark a few interests to me.”

“You truly are a trickster my rival, even I would not be so cruel. But yes, I do agree that we should gradually give him visions of her.” Grinned the raven, “But these actions may have dire consequences for our new student.”

“True my Raven friend, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel or his path.” Grinned the fox, “but this will be very interesting to see unravel and new thing commence.”
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anthony
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 4:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You need to fix up your punctuation.

Quote:
“Please show yourself, I mean no harm” Ben ask cautiously as he turns around to see if anyone or thing is nearby.

Here you need to add a ',' like this:
Quote:
“Please show yourself, I mean no harm,” Ben ask cautiously as he turns around to see if anyone or thing is nearby.


The fact that he requests someone to show themselves, not asks is another matter.
(If he asks, there should have been a '?' instead of ',' )

Quote:
“Why you summoned us young one.” Grinned the fox.

and using a '.' is grounds for being slapped with a cod...
A capital 'G' is just as bad.
Remember, this is ONE sentence.


Quote:
“That may be, its always fun to watch as you send them on a journey of endless amusement you trickster.” The raven say's looking back at Ben now, “You may raise your head young one of the panther tribe.”

Ouch!
Quote:
trickster.” The raven say's

That's 3 errors. Drop the '.' and the capital 'T'.
What the apostrophe is doing there, no one knows.
Then it gets tricky.
I would have broken the sentence into two and began a new one at 'Looking'. Also, as "you" isn't starting a new sentence(It follows on the looking part), maybe the capital 'Y' isn't such a good idea.

Quote:
Hey their Krystal and Greg, there is some precious items that I have left inside this closet. Please for my sake do not move the items inside a old Grey blanket. Do not moves it until you have your first born,

Their = His car, her's house, their morgage...
They're = They are...
There = Hey, look over there; it's an editor!

The 's' in 'Do not moves it until' I will just assume was a slip up.

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tobi3B
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 11:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it. Yes the punctuation is a bit off but I think you put it here so
you can have the feetback to change it and get better in writing.
(punctuation is one of my enemys when it comes to writing)

I would put chapter 1 & 2 together so you have some sort of prolog.
It´s better to read and you can move more smoothly through the next chapter.

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Benleopard
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 20, 2009 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

still would like an idea what to call it? Random Season doesn't quite fit it.
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tobi3B
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 21, 2009 4:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

On to the next season ?
Another season ?
Season for a life ?

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