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D.F. Thompson
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Joined: 25 Jan 2005
Posts: 430
Location: Back home in Jenks
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 Posted: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:09 pm Post subject: More Than Bargained For |
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Well I've decided to blow the dust off my old writing tablet. Here's my offering, I've had this Idea banging around my head and in various written forms. Suggestions and constructive criticism will be appreciated.
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Beware the light at the end of the tunnel, just might be the headlights of my speeding truck. =0.0.=
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/dana/ |
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D.F. Thompson
Registered User
Joined: 25 Jan 2005
Posts: 430
Location: Back home in Jenks
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| Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 4:33 pm Post subject: |
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Up dated rough draft of what I have so far. As all ways suggestions and criticism welcomed.
_________________
Beware the light at the end of the tunnel, just might be the headlights of my speeding truck. =0.0.=
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/dana/ |
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kcmack
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Joined: 07 Apr 2007
Posts: 142
Location: S.W. Missouri, US
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| Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 10:15 pm Post subject: |
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So far it seems like a good story. You might think about breaking up some of the paragraphs where a lot of speaking is going on. Also, try to keep the flow of the actions together. Here is kind of what I mean.
| Quote: | A hospital room in Edinburgh University Hospital, the Department of Applied Cryogenics. Doctors and nurses scramble around a violently trashing figure, trying to keep him stable and clam. “Keep him still dam’ it!” A foxtaur todd wearing scrubs and a lab coat of a doctor yells. “Get the restraints on him before he hurts himself, or someone else.” As the doctor uses his forepaws and hands to just barely keep the patient on the gurney, and himself away from the wickedly sharp 2 inch long claws at the end of his patient’s hands. Evidence of how sharp they are from the five deep fifteen centimeter long slashes across an orderly’s abdomen, currently being treated by another nurse.
“You two keep his legs down!” Doctor Leonard Quickfox yells over the screaming snarling patient, at two burly orderlies trying to keep the patients kicking legs down.
“Get those mag-cuffs on. Hurry I need some help here to keep him from cutting himself or us up like so many sides of beef! Where is that Trilezine.”
“Here Doctor, how much?” A nurse asks rushes to his side.
“Give him 80 cc’s.” Dr. Quickfox is nearly thrown off.
In the darkness, suddenly he realizes he can’t move. Panic sweeps threw him like a wildfire, taking all rational thought leaving him only with the pain and darkness. “RENEEEEEEEE” Pain, Fire, Hurt, Burns.
The nurse quickly sets the hypo, but before she can administer the powerful tranquilizer the patients’ golden cat slit eyes snap open and he gives out an enraged hair raising scream. Pulling his legs out of the orderlies grasp, bunching up he kicks them both in the chest, both orderlies slam into the wall |
I have noticed that a lot of professional writers seem to break up the conversation text that way. I think it makes it easier for us, the readers to follow. You seem to do a much better job of this once the story gets going. Most of what else I see outside of that just seems to be minor grammatical errors and such.
However, don't take my word on too much. I never did do very well in Englishl. 
_________________
"'Do you know, I always thought Unicorns were fabulous monsters, too? I never saw one alive before!'
'Well, now that we have seen each other,' said the Unicorn, 'if you believe in me, I'll believe in you.'"
— Lewis Carroll |
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D.F. Thompson
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Joined: 25 Jan 2005
Posts: 430
Location: Back home in Jenks
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| Posted: Sun Aug 16, 2009 10:28 pm Post subject: |
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Did a little work on it today, nothing new just changed some things around. Changed to PDF document instead of Word.
_________________
Beware the light at the end of the tunnel, just might be the headlights of my speeding truck. =0.0.=
http://www.furaffinity.net/user/dana/ |
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