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RunningCat
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Joined: 31 May 2005
Posts: 171
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 Posted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 2:56 am Post subject: A writers question for grammer help |
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I have been having trouble with a section of my story that I am currently writing.
I have a sentience that is as following
Her idea is confirmed when load click, click sounds begins happening and grinding stone above her lets in the first bits of light.
The trouble with this sentience is the click, click part. I know something is wrong with it but for the life of me I am still having trouble. Could I get some help with this.
Your furry loving lap cat
RunningCat
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mwalimu
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Joined: 08 Nov 2002
Posts: 782
Location: Normal, IL
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| Posted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 4:32 am Post subject: |
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Not sure what exactly it's intended to say, but depending on what that is, I think it may be corrected as follows:
| Quote: | | Her idea is confirmed when loud 'click click' sounds begin happening and the grinding stone above her lets in the first bits of light. |
Might also want to further rework it to a more active voice to represent the character's viewpoint, such as:
| Quote: | | Her idea is confirmed when she starts to hear loud 'click click' sounds, and she sees the first bits of light let in by the grinding stone above her. |
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Asalis
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Joined: 08 Oct 2004
Posts: 2020
Location: Fort Worth, Tx
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| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 12:06 am Post subject: |
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Why not try replacing | Quote: | | Her idea is confirmed when load click, click sounds begins happening and grinding stone above her lets in the first bits of light. |
with | Quote: | | Her idea is confirmed when sounds of clicking and grinding stone are heard overhead followed by little bits of light shining through. |
It still gets the original idea across but it gives a much smoother read for the readers to follow. The way it reads as you state above it hangs the reader up and otherwise alters the flow of the story as the reader tries to figure out your original meaning.
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RunningCat
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| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 1:48 pm Post subject: |
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While both are good maybe if you have the whole paragraph it will help some more. I do however like both points of view. Here is the whole paragraph. Just a reminder that the story is only in a 2nd draft.
As Sara investigates the hole she just made she hears clicking sounds from from with in the hallow stone wall. She is unsure where exactly they are coming from do to the echo but it sounds to her like some one is turning a combination lock or at least something similar to that. Her idea is confirmed when load click, click sounds begins happening and grinding stone above her lets in the first bits of light.
Thanks again for all your help.
RunningCat
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GriffinX
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Joined: 18 Jun 2007
Posts: 785
Location: SLC Utah
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| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 3:33 pm Post subject: |
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personaly i like mwalimu's first fix. to me that makes the most sence.
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RunningCat
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| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 1:18 pm Post subject: |
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I have to agree with you there. And it seams like it put everything more in context as well
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