Planetfurry BBS

[Siros]

I've been working on a bit of a self reflection piece of fiction. It's basically about a blind fox morph who's forced to discover his past while facing an unknown destiny.

My problem is that i'm about 40 pages in and I feel i'm about halfway through what i want to write. That being said I kind of need some input from outside sources to get a feel if i'm hitting a good target as far as how i capture the reader's attention.

I'll go ahead and post some of part 1 and maybe you guys can let me know what you think?

[Siros]

The scent of sandalwood wafted heavily in the air. The light chimes of eastern music echoed throughout the small Dojo. The walls were decorated ornately with medals and certificates of achievement. In the main part of the building, reserved for sparring, Troy stood ready on the woven bamboo mat that covered the floor. Half-man half-wolf, Troy was menacing to look at. Dark fur covered his face, arms and everything else that showed from under his uniform. Chad stood opposite of him in a ready stance as well. Not quite as tall Chad, a wolf as well, looked just as intense. Standing in the middle, between them both Siros stood his hands crossed behind him. Siros was thin and well built. Half-fox half-man, he had a calming aura about him. The most distinguishing characteristic of Siros was his eyes. Blind from birth his eyes were pure white containing no pupil what so ever. Chad was to Siros’ right and Troy to the left. Both students were nervous. They grimaced as the impending duel approached. A sudden clash of a gong from the music changing signaled the start of the match. Troy and Chad charged their Master. With deft grace only achieved by years of practice Siros slid out of the way just slightly, grabbing both Chad and Troy’s wrist flipping them hard to the mat.

Chad sat up with a groan. “Well that was anti-climatic.” A smirk crossed Siros’ face. “You’re getting better.” Their teacher said with a smile. “Practice your kicks for 10 minutes or so and we’ll close up.” Siros’ students bowed to him as he returned the complement and went into his study. A strong smell of incense hit his nose as Siros entered his private study. He sat down in front of the incense burner cross legged and began his relaxation exercises. Closing his eyes he cleared his mind allowing the smells and sounds of the room to fill his senses. Siros was finally fully relaxed. The day had been long. Spending most of the morning sorting out bills and paperwork needed to keep the school afloat. Siros was glad for his short reprieve at the end of the day.

Suddenly a sharp pain invaded his mind and a violent flash of light sent him reeling. Siros gasped for air as the pain overwhelmed him. Just as quickly as the anguish took him it ended as Siros lay humped on the floor. Slowly he tried to stand, visibly shaken by this sudden event, he collapsed to one knee. His clothing was shredded and his shirt, which bore the symbol of his school, lay in a heap next to him. His body ached from the strain of what just happened. Siros gripped the floor with his hands and coughed violently, blood dripping from his nose. As his mind began to clear he stood up just as someone knocked at the door.

Siros, still breathing heavily from the bizarre event that just occurred, called in his visitor. A young man, human, walked into the door holding a book with his finger on a passage. The man began talking to Siros about some forms he’d been practicing as he looked up and saw a 5ft tall werewolf standing where his master was supposed to be. Siros recognized the voice and didn’t pay any attention to his sudden apprehension. “What is it Chad?” Siros spoke as calmly and evenly as he could. Another man walked into the room just then. “We should close its getting late.” He said. A gasp escaped Troy’s mouth as he looked up and saw what had shaken Chad from his voice. Siros turned around with a concerned look on his brow. Chad looked down at the heap of shredded cloth on the floor and rage filled his face. “What did you do with our master!?” Chad’s hands clinched as he dropped the book he had. Chad charged Siros swinging furiously as Troy followed close behind. Siros attempted to defend himself from the human onslaught but they fought to kill. Siros couldn’t understand what was going on. His mind raced for what to do. Siros caught Chad’s hand and flipped him onto Troy and made a run for the door.

A thought crept into the back of his mind as he raced out of the school. There was no fur on Chad’s wrist. The thought startled him but he had to keep moving. The door of the school flew open as the 5ft tall fox-man burst out onto the street. People scattered, a woman screamed and Siros could hear the screeching of tires. Siros sniffed the air in both directions as his ears flinted back and forth deciding the safest path out of the area. Siros turned right and ran as fast as he could towards what should have been the edge of the city, but at this point he wasn’t so sure of anything. Troy and Chad burst out the door shortly after and tried to give chase but the fox-man was too fast.

Dodging people the best he could he finally made it out of town and into a nearby wooded area. Siros stopped behind a tree to rest. His lungs burned from running. He couldn’t understand it. His mind was swimming with what had happened. Everything sounds and smells the same. He couldn’t shake his mind’s image of Chad’s wrist. It was smooth and furless. He had never touched any one like that in his life. Siros’ ear caught the sound of breaking branches and underbrush being disturbed. “They’ve followed me!” he thought in a panic. Siros stood still a moment trying to think of what to do. “I need to find a place to hide.” He muttered to himself. The sounds coming closer he knew he had to act fast. Darting out from behind the tree he ran as fast as he could. Though blind he easily evaded the trees as he weaved between them. He learned long ago to listen to the well to his surroundings. After many a bumped head he learned he could hear the rush of air change as he approached things. Lost in his thoughts his legs burning, threatening to give out on him he felt a sharp sting in his back. Falling forward he could hear his pursuers on top of him. The sounds and voices fading to the foggy abyss as Siros fell unconscious.

A couple hours later Tom, a 30 year old research technician at the zoological foundation, entered into the locked area of his lab. Tom had made a name for him self at the foundation and led a department taking care of endangered species. This time, however, his excitement was piqued. He had gotten word that a strange animal was found and captured after making a mess of down town. As Tom entered the door he was greeted with Dave his assistant. Dave’s eyes were wide with excitement like a kid at Christmas. “I’ve never seen anything like it!” Dave exclaimed. Dave was almost bouncing. Tom walked with him over to the containment area. A concrete room with 8 inch thick glass from one end to the other. In one corner lay Siros in a heap of fur and claw still knocked out from the tranquilizer dart. “He has pants on!” Dave said excitedly interrupting Tom’s thoughts. Dave’s excitement was short lived as Tom gave him a stern look. “He should be awake soon.” Dave began again in a more professional manner. “I’d like to run some tests.” Tom said flatly. “Draw some blood before he wakes.” Dave nodded and went back to work. Tom stood staring at Siros for a couple minutes. “What an interesting creature.” He thought to himself.

Siros woke, his brain still a fog, and slowly sat up against the wall. His mind began to clear as he recalled what had just occurred. Panic filled his mind as he suddenly realized he wasn’t in the forest outside of town any longer. It wasn’t long before the feelings of panic were obliterated as the pulsing migraine from the tranquilizer began to set in. Trying to get his bearings Siros decided to try and feel around and see what he had got himself into. The walls and floor were cold and porous. “Probably concrete.” he thought aloud. “This must be some sort of prison.” Siros stood up and began to feel around the walls to get an idea of the size of the room. The room was completely barren other than him.

From the other side of the room the sound of a metal latch opening and a heavy door opening caught Siros’ attention. Quickly he backed himself into the corner ready for whatever was coming. Dave backed into the room completely unaware Siros was awake. Dave wheeled the med cart into the room and closed the door. “Time to get a little blood and get out of this room before this critter wakes up.”, Dave said with a nervous urgency in his voice. Dave turned with the necessary equipment in hand to see Siros plastered in the corner with teeth bared and ears flat. “Oh crap” was the only utterance Dave’s stupefied mind could manage as he dropped his tools to the concrete floor below. The clang of metal made Siros flinch involuntarily as the room lit up with the metallic sound. Siros heard the door close moments later as Dave quickly retreated.

[Teric]

An interesting premise, to say the least: an anthro suddenly thrust into the human world (a parallel dimension?), and the difficulties associated with the transfer. The fact that he is blind and is forced to depend on his other senses makes it very interesting.

I noticed quite a few problems with grammar, punctuation, and spelling. I'll highlight a couple of them here:

[Tora_Frogg]

What if he indeed meant sparring. As in practice fighting?

[Siros]

I did mean sparring. I've re-read it dozens of times and i'm constantly finding little things like that. However, I didn't think about the hyphenation.

I fixed those things and I like your suggestion Teric.

You guys want more?