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The Unicorn

 
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Freya
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Joined: 20 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 9:08 pm    Post subject: The Unicorn Reply with quote

Alright, this is kind of depressing, but I'm rather proud of it. Please tell me what ye think?


***********************************

After Molly left her, Esh was seriously contemplating jumping. She even knew the spot that she wanted to jump from. There was a lovely glade, nearby her university, with a view of the mountains and the trees and the lake. After two weeks of waking up and feeling disgusting, feeling used, feeling like an idiot, and a heartbroken one at that, she decided to jump. She wrote a note, explaining to her parents that she loved them and that it wasn't their fault, but she simply felt that she could no longer handle life, especially life where people you loved played around with your head. She gave away various items, and upon closing her apartment door, she almost felt a sense of elation. The end was near, and she was causing it. Walking towards the woods, she stopped to admire the sunset, thinking that this was a perfect place and time to die. Finally, upon reaching the small grove of trees next to the ledge, she looked down. It was a very long way down, with a large collection of sharp rocks below. However, upon reaching the end of the ledge, the collie mix simply stared down. Heights had never bothered her the way they bothered her mother and older sister, but she had to admit that by the time she reached the bottom of the drop, she would probably be dead. As she was about to steel herself to jump, something caught the corner of her eye. Hoping it wasn't a good samaritan, the collie mix turned around, to find herself face to face with a unicorn. The creature had the body of a deer, but a horses head and a long, spiraling horn, similar to the tusk of a narwhale, and even at a moment like this, Esh couldn't help but wonder what exactly the tusk was for. It looked too brittle to be defense, and how would the males battle? For that matter, why did the females have it? Staring at the strange creature, Esh was shocked to see that their was compassion in the strange, milky eyes, and enraged to see a patch of red hair on its muzzle, an identicle shade of red to that of Molly's coat.
"Am I hallucinating?" She reached over to see if the unicorn was real, and the animal grabbed ahold of her sleeve, tugging her away from the ledge.
"Oh, so you are some moral agent, sent by god or whoever to keep me from killing myself? Why would god care? Why is the world worth living in, if people betray each other and kill each other?" To her shock, Esh was crying again. She had thought that she was all cried out, after the last two weeks.
"What do you want with me? You aren't even real, so you must be a figment of my imagination." She sat down and hugged her knees, just as she had done when she was a puppy.
"Why does the world need me anyway? I'm just another failed lesbian chemist. I haven't even had the guts to come out to my parents yet. I was going to introduce them to Molly, before I found out that she was a two faced, lying snake." Esh wiped her eyes angrily. "And you know the worst part of it? I still love her. That damn bitch used me, heart body and soul, and I still want to go back to her. I miss her, and I know that I should hate her, but I still miss her..." Esh tried to wipe the tears that were streaming down her face, but she felt like she couldn't move her arms.
"D'you know why I'm jumping? Because I'm too scared to take pills, scared that I'll survive and be on dialysis or something like that. I don't like guns, and besides, where would I get one? If nothing else, if my family finds that I fell off a cliff, they might think that I just fell off and didn't actually jump." She was still sobbing.
"What do you want with me anyway, you stupid horse thing? Why did you come over here, when you aren't even real?"
The unicorn simply stared at her quizically, not being helpful in any way at all.
"Why would anyone care about me or what I've done, since I'm not good for anything? I thought that she was all that was good and kind in the world, and it turns out that she was just using me to raise her GPA and get a cheap lay. Is that all I'm worth?"
The unicorn said nothing, simply stood there as the leaves drifted around the two of them. Nearby, a crunching indicated that someone or something was coming.
"Maybe I should just jump now and get it over with, before someone comes over and tries to stop me..." She stood up and started to walk towards the ledge, and once again the unicorn grabbed ahold of her sleeve in its strong teeth.
"What do you want with me, you dumb animal? Why do you care so much?" She tried to get closer to the ledge, but the unicorn held steady, and Esh could not. All of this time, Esh had been facing away from the unicorn, and pulling at her sleeve. Finally, she turned around and looked it straight in the eye. To her surprise, behind the unicorn, there stood a woman, a pappilion.
"Hello? Are you alright? I heard you shouting and thought maybe something was amiss..." The papilion stared at Esh.
"Can you see it?" Esh stammered.
"See what?" The pappilion continued to look worriedly at Esh.
"The unicorn! Right in front of you!" But the unicorn was gone.
"Listen, I think that you should get away from that ledge..." The pappilion came closer to Esh, grasping her wrist and pulling her away from the edge.
"But it was there!" Esh wasn't even resisting, she was in such shock.
"I'm sure it was..." The pappilion led Esh away from the ledge. "Listen, how about we get you something warm to drink and you can tell me all about this unicorn that wasn't there?"
Esh sighed. "Alright..."

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Virmir
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Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Posts: 107

PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 6:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad at all! Is this part of a larger project? You do a good job of tugging at emotions here. You may want to add a black space between each paragraph to make things easier to read, though. Smile

Quote:
The creature had the body of a deer, but a horses head and a long, spiraling horn, similar to the tusk of a narwhale,


* horses -> horse's

Quote:
Esh was shocked to see that their was compassion in the strange, milky eyes, and enraged to see a patch of red hair on its muzzle, an identicle shade of red to that of Molly's coat.


She is enraged by this? Why does this make her angry? It just seems a confusing mix.


Nice work altogether. Smile

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Teric
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Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 2566
Location: Southern California

PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 7:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An interesting look into the mind of a depressed femme. Here we see where abuse and betrayal can lead. You leave the reader asking, "Was the Unicorn really there? Or was it just her own doubts holding her back from suicide?"

I think the story would be more accessible if you were to break it up into more digestible paragraphs. For example, you could break the sentence "As she was about to steel herself to jump..." into the beginning of a new paragraph; the plot takes a noticeable turn at that point.

Furthermore, your story would be much more clear if you made paragraph beginnings more clear; you could either double-space between paragraphs, or indent the first line of each paragraph.

Identicle is spelled identical.

The first time you use 'collie mix' was essentially as a pronoun referring to Esh. There is nothing wrong with using her species to refer to her, but this is also the first time you alert the reader to her species. Perhaps it would be better if you clarified that she is a collie mix beforehand--you could talk about her parents' species and how she ended up as a resulting mix.

I agree with Virmir in asking why she got mad when she saw the red patch of fur on the unicorn. Perhaps you could explain that a bit.

I like how you took her through her own analysis of the situation, without the Unicorn saying a thing.

A good start to what could be an intriguing story. Or do you intend to leave this as-is?

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Luther
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Joined: 14 Sep 2006
Posts: 34
Location: Linden, TN

PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2007 11:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good read, really enjoyed it.

Not much to add that Teric and Virmir havent already mentioned,
have to really agree with them on the paragraphs though.

Planing on continueing with it?

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Syrius
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Joined: 07 Sep 2006
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Location: The S.S. ScurvyDog, Arizona! YARR!

PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 2:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

She gets upset at looking at the unicorn's beard because its color is identical to Molly's coat. Esh is probably in that emotional state when everything reminds her of that special person.

Proper names start with a capital. God is supposed to be a person, you only use "god" when you refer to a deity in general, from any pantheon.

Also, death to all the bastards and bitches who use people like that. Death by Streisand's recordings torture.

Seconded on the breaking of the text wall.

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