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ScottyDM · Last edited by ScottyDM on Thu Oct 11, 2007 4:28 pm; edited 2 times in total

The opening of scene 4:

Teric · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 1:56 pm Post subject:

Cool! Looks like this could be a good hook for an intriguing, exciting story. It makes the reader wonder: Why does she have to act like a dumb animal? Who is she trying to deceive? What's so important that she has to go under-cover (or out of cover, as this case may be)?

ScottyDM · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 4:26 pm Post subject:

Arrrg! Big time typos. "Dive" is supposed to be "drive" in both cases. Must be a mental block. Thanks. {fixes original} {fixes post here on PF so as not to distract others}

The semicolon spliced sentences: Originally they were separate sentences, but it seemed to choppy to me. Then I "and" spliced them. Then I changed my mind and semicolon spliced them. The only relation between the sentences is that these things are happening that are not controlled by Cheri, which isn't much of a connection. An "as" splice will work, but it implies the trickling and the swaying happen at the same time. Technically true, but Cheri notices the trickle then forgets the trickle when the truck sways. I'll do something with this, I promise. I'm just not sure what.

Thanks a million, Teric.

Scotty

ScottyDM · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 4:46 pm Post subject:

This is the beginning of the first scene, which should give a bit more of a clue as to the nature of the deception and who is being deceived.

Virmir · Registered User Joined: 21 Nov 2006 Posts: 107

Ha ha, very nice! I love undercover animals. Smile

Excellent visuals!

ScottyDM · Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 5:55 pm Post subject:

Awesome, Vrimir. Thanks!

Yep, that first one is a typo. Confused

Good point about the use of "rat girl". If one uses a word or phrase as a name (e.g. "Mama", "Lover", etc.) then it should be capitalized. Here, it's the narrator using the phrase. I'll think about this, but probably "the rat girl" would be just fine. Dirk calls her "sweetie" a few times and a few paragraphs later her calls her "ratty". Something I'm not sure about is when does the use of a word or phrase slip from casual use into being used like a name?

The 3rd scene is at the breakfast table in the new FLA safe house when Dirk is revealing the rat girl to the rest of the cell members (Thomas and Hope, his girlfriend, already knew). At one point someone says she needs a name as they can't keep calling her Rat Girl. So that particular phase did make it into namehood. I'll need to stay in control of her many names and nicknames. It's probably confusing enough that in the even numbered scenes where it's her POV she is Dr. Cheri Avant (her real name) and the odd numbered scenes where it's Dirk's POV she is Squeaky (the name the villains give her).

This is an old story I started writing over two years ago. I was inspired by two things: First, my critique group pointed out that my stories lacked conflict. I wasn't sure at the time how to fix the flawed story so I set it aside and started looking for a new project. Second, {NSFW} this picture {NSFW} by Doug Winger intrigued me. It wasn't just the character, but all the little details in the picture: what is the sign about; why a cell, and is she coming or going; how does California cheese figure into this; why is she so tall, and how tall is she; why is she naked except for her glasses; who braided her hair; who is Zort; and finally, who is she? (IMO her mamms are grotesquely out of proportion, but is her misshapen physique connected to her height?)

Anyway, I've answered every single question, and I've created a story with suspense and action. Unfortunately, that original story also had a flawed structure and I didn't know how to fix it at the time. Now I do, so I've started rewriting. Scene 4 (above) was less than a day old when I posted it. Scene 1 (above) is over two years old.

I have a completed short story involving Dr. Cheri Avant that I entered in the second WritingStone AnthroStory contest: Beach Tour. It takes place about a year after this first story.

Thanks again, Virmir. I appreciate the effort. You've been a help.

Scotty

Virmir · Registered User Joined: 21 Nov 2006 Posts: 107

Gah! Scotty, please use NSFW warnings when linking to images like that!

Sounds cool altogether! I'll have to check that story out next chance I get.

ScottyDM · Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2007 7:33 pm Post subject:

Aaaah!!!!

I so totally did not think of that. I guessed that "Doug Winger" was a giant clue as 95% of his stuff is not work safe... and maybe 75% is not anything safe. Zort is mild by his standards.

Fixed the post.

Scotty