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Kamikaze Kitsune: Shots In The Dark.

 
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Syrius
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 4:37 am    Post subject: Kamikaze Kitsune: Shots In The Dark. Reply with quote

Please, please PLEASE tell me what you think. This is a rewrite of a (lost) story by another fur, done with his permission.


"Kamikaze Kitsune: Shots In The Dark."

* * * * * *

Nighttime.

The figure silently watches from the security of the high-rise it's perched upon. For some, it's just another night in the city, cars weaving in and out of traffic, horns blaring, people returning to their homes after another ordinary day at work. However, the silent watcher knows it's different this time. The gears had to be set in motion if there was to be a permanent change in the complex mechanism that was the city and the lives of its inhabitants. The trap has been set.

Without a sound, she jumped off the ledge, spread arms to control her descent a little, feeling the cool and dry night air enveloping her for a few seconds; then landed gracefully on a balcony's handrail and propelled herself again towards the street.

She landed on the sidewalk, bending her knees and planting a hand on the concrete to minimize the impact. Her fingertips barely scratched the surface as she got up, while she checked herself to make sure no damage had been incurred in her daring first move. The fitting black leather and Synthex suit only needed a tug on the left forearm before she decidedly sprinted towards the river of cars ahead of her, as if it presented no threat at all.

Without stopping, she swiftly dove in between the cars that started to honk their horns, though no one had to brake in order to avoid her. It wasn't as if any of them would even make contact, though. The black-clad figure nimbly crossed the first two lanes of the avenue, and discovered a trailer approaching dangerously on the third one. A quick leap landed her on the hood of a yellow sedan coming from the right, heels clicking at the contact with the metal. Immediately, she jumped off towards the back seat of a convertible on the adjacent lane, much to the surprise of its two occupants; she only acknowledged the two frat boys' gasps with a wink and a smile, and then a somersault took her safely to the other side of the busy avenue.

Only allowing herself a moment to adjust the mask that covered her eyes and take a deep breath, the rushed figure entered one of the alleys in between the warehouses and yards that marked that area of the city. She couldn't waste a second. As both the bait and the trigger, she had to make sure the trap ensnared its prey.

A glimmer shot towards her from the deep darkness of the back of the alley. But she caught the knife in her teeth and spat it away towards the ground; the attack had been unsuccessful. A spiteful male voice then addressed her as she turned to where the attacker was.

"You chose a bad time to show your face over here, fox-girl."

She clenched her fists and advanced a couple of steps. "Where is your boss?"

"You'll have to get rid of me first."

With an amused scoff, her reply was simple. "I'll be glad to."

The jackal pulled out an assault rifle and removed the safe, but by the time he'd done so, the agile fox-girl was already in front of him, and knocked the muzzle of the rifle upwards. Safely spared from any point-blank fire, it was time for close combat manoeuvers.

With her free hand, she landed a firm palm blow to the side of his jaw, which seemed to stun him for a second; but he reacted and swung a knuckled fist at her, recovering his balance at the time she dodged his counterattack.

"Damned vixen!" He gripped the rifle and attempted to hit her with the butt of the gun, but she dodged by leaning her torso sideways and taking one step forward. His backside was now exposed to her, and she took advantage of the situation by grabbing his belt to pull close and hold him with both arms at the waist. One fraction of a second after he realized he was in her hands, she performed a German suplex with surprising ease and speed, knocking him out cold.

She got up and raced down the alley, as no more time could be wasted. This time she was after the criminal known as Trecoh, a weapons smuggler and racketeer who couldn't be convicted several prior times due to the lack of evidence. It'd be different if she could get to him on time.

Without attempting to conceal her presence, she walked into a fenced yard illuminated by a halon light. She wanted Trecoh to see her. She wanted him to know he had been trapped this time. Bait and trigger.

He turned at her, but didn't show much surprise. "You bothersome maggot." He tossed the cigarrette away. "You think I'm simply going to walk into a station with you and confess? The Attorney can't mess with me anymore. The streets are mine to do business as I please, you hear?"

She almost laughed. "You know how many times I've heard that kind of speech? Tonight, you're going to get your butt kicked by a woman."

The tiger let out an enraged shriek and charged, intent on grabbing the vixen and crushing her in between his massive fists, but she also advanced at him and grasped his forearm, launching another palm blow at his face that he was able to swat away. She then hit his chest on the side of the heart with a closed fist as hard as she could, but the firm muscles made it feel more as she had hit a rock.

"Go ahead and try all you want. The prison has already broken me in." He brushed her arm away and shot his free hand towards her neck.

She didn't have time to try a hold. Trecoh had her by the suit with an impressive grip, and smacked her muzzle hard twice, before shaking her violently and pulling her close to his snarling face. "Thought you could barge into my territory, didn't you, fox-girl? Thought you'd scare me with your suicidal crusader bit, huh? You got nothing!" He'd enjoy strangling and delivering her to his buyers, as proof of his ownership of that city's sector.

She opened one eye, her brain managing to fire its impulses normally after the tremendous impact it had been subject to. The scar above his brow. Yes, the attempt on his life while imprisoned... perhaps she could... given enough time. All she needed was a little more time.

"You walked in here so easily, worthless fox-girl. I'll be glad to skin you and display your pelt like a trophy. It almost seems you wanted it to happen like this."

She leaned her head back, dangerously exposing her neck to the tiger. Her voice sounded pained for a moment. "Maybe... ack... I did!" And then, she delivered a headbutt with all the strength and speed she was capable of, right on the spot where his skull had been fissured several months earlier. Trecoh stumbled and fell backwards, releasing his hold on the vixen and almost losing consciousness from the intense pain. She managed to get to her feet, despite feeling as if she had deflected a cannon ball with her head, and got herself out of the yard in time to hear the approaching sirens of several squad cars. Over the sirens came the agitated voices of Trecoh's henchmen, who had just realized the police was surrounding the whole block.

"Boss! It's the police, let's go! Boss!"

The vixen dropped to her knees on the dirty ground of an adjacent alley, gripping the handles of a manhole cover which refused to give way. She gritted her teeth and pulled with the remainder of her fading strength, ignoring the heavy gunfire between the two factions not so far away. There was no need to stay for the last dance of the night: with the cover finally releasing its rusty bond on the entrance, she slid into the cable and pipe-laden cavity. The improvised refuge was again sealed in darkness, and she passed out.


* * * * * *


"KAMIKAZE KITSUNE NABS MOBSTER!"

"WEAPONS SMUGGLING RING DISMANTLED."

"CITY INDEBTED TO FEARLESS HERO."


The newspapers chronicled the events of the previous night. School children, cab-drivers, college students, salesmen, office clerks and busy homemakers all over the city commented about the capture of Trecoh at the hands of Kamikaze Kitsune. Thanks to an anonymous tip and the vigilante's intervention, police had been able to apprehend the gangster just before a meeting with several potential buyers took place, and with the added bonus of incriminating evidence: Trecoh was in possession of the shipment's confirmation documents, detailing its location, time and method of transport. After interrogating the suspects, the authorities had more than enough to make a case and indict their leader. Kamikaze Kitsune had just handed them the smuggling ring on a silver plate.

One more copy of the Morning Sentinel was lifted off the newsstand attended by the old jaguar, just like many other times. He handed the buyer her change with a smile and a wave, and as she left, he noticed she forgot to take the packet of spearmint gum she had also bought. As usual. He brought it to her attention before she walked too far away, and handed it over with a good-natured pat on the back of her hand.

Meheerah thanked the old feline and resumed her walk. Kamikaze Kitsune was the talk of the headlines, but instead of reading them she skipped to the back sections to delight herself on one of her favorite features: the letters.

"Dear Kamikaze Kitsune:

My name is Lisa and I'm a big fan of yours. My friends and I talk a lot about you in school. We'd like to have super powers like yours and fight crime when we grow up. But I have a problem with my brother: he taunts me every day saying that I'll never be as cool as you are when I grow up, because I'm nothing more than a fox-girl. I don't know what to tell him but I think he's jealous of you. What can I do? I wish you could teach him a lesson.

Your fan forever,

Lisa Little."

Meheerah furrowed her brow as she kept her gaze on the newspaper. "Just a fox-girl? Just a fox-girl!? What nerve! That annoying little bra-Ouch!"

It took her a few seconds to realize what had happened. In her distraction, Meheerah walked straight into a lamp post, only stopping when her face met the cold metal with a clang. She had lost her balance and found herself sitting on the sidewalk surrounded by the newspaper pages, embarrased and disoriented.

"Oww..."

"Miss, can you hear me? Are you all right?"

She managed to focus on the stranger kneeling by her side. A lion sporting a neatly-combed mane and an impeccable dress shirt and tie offered his hand to her. "I will be. Thank you." With his help, she got on her feet and and picked up the scattered pages of the newspaper; Meheerah thanked the good samaritan one more time, and both headed towards their respective destinations.


* * * * * *


"Meheerah Ki'Yahma."

Upon hearing her name, the vixen tensed, knowing the owner of the voice. The old dragon who managed the public library she worked at had probably seen her clock-in time by now, and a reprimand was in place. She turned around and offered an explanation as calmly as she could, trying hard not to pull her ears backwards.

"M-mister Bossman, sir. I can explain. I had a little accident on the way, but I got here as fast as possible and it was just a couple seconds when I clocked in, and..."

He shook his head slightly with a smile, in a paternal gesture that relieved her. "It's all right, you didn't exceed the tolerance. But that's not what I want to talk about." He quickly arranged the crest of white hair that adorned his head, backwards. "It's been brought to my attention that you seem very tired as of recently, yawning often and spacing out. Your coworkers and I are concerned about you; are you feeling sick? Or are there any family problems you need time to work out? All you have to do is ask and we can get you some unpaid leave and have someone else cover for you. Is everything allright?"

She averted his gaze, clutching a book in one hand and running the other on the forearm, timidly. "Sir... it's not that. My health and family life are just fine. I just had to take care of some things at night lately and... well, you know I'm a klutz sometimes." She shrugged and arranged the red frame of her glasses a little.

"If you are struggling to make ends meet, we can always talk about that, Meheerah. Aren't you paid enough? Or is it problems with a fox you're seeing?"

She gasped and pulled one ear backwards, almost feeling how it bloomed inside with sudden redness. "A fox I'm seeing? No. No, it's nothing like that... it's... ah... I assure you it's not about someone else, sir."

Mr. Bossman wasn't about to give up without trying one last time. He was genuinely concerned about his employees and Meheerah's recent performance. "Meheerah. I wasn't born yesterday. You're a good employee and we have a good working relationship. You can tell me the truth. Those smells your fur gets soaked in aren't too hard to detect, you know?"

The truth. Meheerah clenched her fist for a little. "The truth. The truth is that, well... " She exhaled a little and then finished calmly. "I am Kamikaze Kitsune, Mr. Bossman." Nobody else heard her; they were alone in the check-in area.

"Kamikaze Kit... " A chuckle could be heard after the old dragon interrupted himself. "You. Kamikaze Kitsune, heh. Heh, heh, heh." He started laughing a little harder this time. "Meheerah Ki'Yahma, you never cease to amaze me. Ha, ha, ha. She wouldn't last a minute against the thugs she's brought down if she had to deal with half of the injuries you give yourself at work. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." He continued laughing for several more seconds, and gave her a last, kind admonishment. "All right, you don't have to tell me anything. I just need you to be in good shape tomorrow, so regardless of what's going on, get some good rest or go see a doctor. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Captain Bossman, Sir." Meheerah smiled and saluted in a joking manner. Mr. Bossman just kept on shaking his head and returned to the daily tasks in his office, happy to at least have gotten his point across.

She placed the book on a cart and pushed it towards the shelf to be restocked next. Mr. Bossman had not believed her, she thought, and felt a little disappointed. Meheerah would have liked him to be one of the few in the know, with that paternal appearance of his and such. "Oh, well." She smoothed some of the fur on her cheek with her knuckles, and just to make sure, gave a discreet sniff to the back of her hand. "Ugh. He's right. This isn't hard to detect. Ew."


* * * * * *


"Sentinel Publications, P.R. Office. Good morning, Lorraine speaking."

"Good morning. Hi. This is Miss Ki'Yahma. In today's edition, I read a letter meant for Kamikaze Kitsune, from a girl named Lisa Little." Meheerah curled the phone's cord around her fingers and hand, playing with the old set. "And I'm trying to get in touch with her, because I know of a way of having Kamikaze pay her a visit, since she owes me a favor. Is there a way to get to speak with the girl's parents?"

"Since the phone number is confidential information, it can't be disclosed. However, I could contact the household and have them call you. Is that all right?"

"Oh, yes. Please. I work at Public Library number 17. You can reach me at 555-9036, extension 12. My first name's Meheerah. Thanks, Lorraine."

"No problem. Miss Ki'Yahma, I have to tell you I'm very surprised to hear Kamikaze owes you a favor. You wouldn't believe the amount of calls we get with someone pretending to be her in order to get free advertisement, or promote some crazy agenda. If you don't mind me asking, how is it that she promised to repay you?"

Meheerah stretched the cable and turned around, wrapping it around her side and waist. "Oh, that's simple. I just helped her hide when she was leaving the scene of a break-in when the police arrived to get the suspects. She didn't want to explain how she stopped them, you know how it is. It's also a one-time deal, of course."

"I see. It's very nice of you to help Lisa speak with Kamikaze, I'm sure she'll be thrilled. Now, I don't want to sound opportunistic, but you know that the media would love to ask her a few questions. When you redeem your 'golden ticket', so to speak, could you please let her know the readers of the Morning Sentinel want to know more about her? We understand she might decline, but we are grateful for any consideration she might give to it, and for everything she's done for the city."

"Sure thing." She liked Lorraine's professional tone, noticing she didn't ask how was she going to contact Kamikaze Kitsune. "Rest assured she'll know of your request. Thanks again."

"Thank you as well, Miss Ki'Yahma. Bye."

Meheerah turned around one more time to hang up the handset, only to discover she had wrapped herself several times with the cord during the call, spinning in the same direction. "At least I didn't end up on the floor this time." She said, and after untangling herself with several turns in the opposite direction, headed out of the supplies room towards her desk.


* * * * * *


Many of the patrons who visited the library that day noticed the unusual energy burst Meheerah had acquired after the call to the Sentinel, contrasting with the other days in which she seemed sluggish and drowsy. The nap she took in the cleaning closet during her break had helped too. Even her keystrokes seemed to be synchronized to the song that, quietly hummed, helped her stem the impatience.

After finishing her work on the database, Meheerah picked up a bundle of letters and tossed each into the corresponding staff member's inbox tray, mimicking the dexterity of a casino card dealer. And without making a single mistake.

"Whoa. Slow down, Kamikaze Kitsune. Leave some work for the rest of us." Mister Bossman commented behind her, amused.

Meheerah only turned and chuckled in response. Then, she returned to her desk and began to register into the log the stack of books her manager had brought. Just as she was done with the second book, the phone that had remained irritatingly quiet all day long began to ring.

"Public Library Number 17. Good afternoon."

"Hello. I'm looking for Miss Ki'Yahma. This is Mrs. Little."

"That's me." Meheerah had picked up the phone at the first ring, but remained calm, as eager as she was to meet Lisa. "If you have any questions, I'll be glad to answer now."

"I do. Miss Ki'Yahma, no disrespect, but how do I know this is not a cruel joke to be played at my child's expense?"

She hadn't thought of that. It was only natural that Mrs. Little wanted to protect Lisa from any harm. "I can assure you that I helped Kamikaze, and she promised to repay me; and I don't think she's one to break a promise and ruin her reputation like that. You also have my full name and know where I work, so if something goes wrong, I'll take the fall. Perhaps it's too much right now, but I ask you to trust me. Kamikaze Kitsune will be there to meet your daughter and answer her questions."

"Very well. I will not tell Lisa who's coming to visit tonight so as not to disappoint her if something happens." She gave Meheerah her address, and warned her before ending the call. "Miss Ki'Yahma, forgive me again, but as a mother looking out for her daughter, I have to tell you that I will not take it kindly if she is disappointed in any way, do you understand?"

"I do, Mrs. Little. Take care."


* * * * * *


The sun wouldn't stay over the horizon much longer by the time Meheerah had found a safe spot from which to approach the house, but the extra caution couldn't hurt. After making sure no one was looking, she covered her eyes with the mask worn during so many sorties, got out of the car, and tossed aside the bed sheet covering her body and the Synthex suit. The sheet floated down to the ground, but the agile black-clad vixen wasn't there anymore.

Kamikaze Kitsune ran on top of a brick wall separating two adjacent yards, towards the back porch of one of the homes in Lisa's neighborhood. Her heart raced; Lisa was just a few minutes and meters away... provided she could safely reach the roof of the neighboring house and scale down to the right window. She wasn't the kind of daredevil to simply knock on the door. No. The occassion deserved a great entrance. Smiling at the thought, she leapt to the roof of the home's porch and swiftly made her way to the balcony on the right. Then she clung to the bottom of the railing, shimmied a little and pulled herself up, all with little effort. A couple of small jumps took her to the roof, almost three stories above the ground. From there it was just a matter of being sneaky.

She dangled a little on the gutters and swung towards the open window, catching herself on the sill and making as little sound as possible. Though the suit almost got caught on a bent nail, she was able to slide into the warm, welcoming room. She sniffed the air a little and looked around: Dolls, shoes, hair brushes, posters featuring pop artists; standard girl's stuff. And there, the corkboard on the wall besides the door. Photographs and artist's renditions of Kamikaze Kitsune were pinned on it, most taken from newspaper clippings, though one appeared to be a capture from a video feed. On the pillows of the nicely-made bed, a stuffed teddy bear rested, which she took and studied for a while. She ran the back of her fingers on the face of the toy, noticing the fine craftsmanship. Kamikaze smiled and hugged the bear, and sat on the bed while looking at the setting sun through the window.

"Mom? Do you know where the green la..." The sudden voice made Kamikaze get up and hit her head on the low-hanging lamp, making her grunt and rub her head. How come she hadn't seen it before?

The little fox-girl had gasped after stumbling upon the black-clad crimefighter standing in front of her. "Oh my God. Mom, it's her! Kamikaze Kitsune is here! In my room!" she called.

The three remaining members of the family arrived almost immediately. "You really came..." said Mrs. Little, looking alternatively at her husband and Kamikaze, who rubbed her head one more time and quickly composed herself, nodding.

"Yes. Just like my friend said, I'm not one to break a promise." She smiled and turned to the girl in front of her. "You must be Lisa. And this is your brother." The boy remained still, needing a few pokes from his father to barely nod, his eyes fixed on Kamikaze... but not on her face.

"Eric." The elder fox called his son.

Kamikaze waved a hand at him, at the height of her face. "You're supposed to look at people's faces when you talk to them, Eric. Not their chests." He blushed visibly and turned around, leaving the room in a hurry. His father chuckled; the kid would be entering puberty anytime soon.

"Guess we better leave you to chat alone, ladies. Just call us if you need something." The parents excused themselves and headed downstairs. Kamikaze smiled at Lisa and sat on the bed, patting the covers. "Come here. So, your brother has told you that you're nothing more than a simple fox-girl, huh?."

"Sometimes I think he's right, you know." She placed her hands on the knees as her tail rested on the shins.

"He's not much older than you are. Do you think he knows everything about the world? Like you said in your letter, he's probably just jealous. You have the chance to be more than just an ordinary fox if you try hard. You want to become a doctor, you study hard and try your best at being a good one when you graduate. Or a programmer, artist, or police officer. I know several fox policemen, and they're more than just average, unlike what society thinks foxes to be. Look at me: I am not a mystical kitsune. Just one tail, no super powers. But I'm more than ordinary. Not perfect, but sure I never wanted to be just another fox girl." She placed one hand over Lisa's and gave it a gentle squeeze. "You probably have heard all of this before, but believe you me, it's true. Anybody likes the easy way out. Not everybody likes to try hard. And you are not just anybody."

Lisa scooted closer to Kamikaze and hugged her. "I can't believe you're here telling me all this. Thank you." She looked up at her. "You must get that kind of letters all the time, right?

Kamikaze shook her head gently and murmured back. "Not really. Usually other children ask me if I have a secret hideout, or a flying vehicle." She thought of her car, parked in the distance; the door and roof where getting rustier every day. It didn't fit the image of the sleek black-clad crimefighter people had of her. "You're the first one to write me that kind of letter."

Lisa smiled and sighed happily, noticing something. "You smell of books. Do you study a lot in the library?"

"I like being there. There's a lot of useful information I get from the books there, and I know there are many that you will like. They have this section in biology with a whole encyclopedia that's so detailed and... " She stopped herself before saying something she shouldn't, then chuckled. "You don't need to hear all of that. But like I said, if you study and try hard, you can become anything you want."

"Crimefighter?" Lisa said brightly.

Kamikaze laughed. "I don't think that's a career you want to choose anytime soon." She playfully touched a finger to Lisa's nose. "But that's enough lecturing. How about a picture?"

The girl got up, fetched her camera and returned to the room in an instant. Kamikaze stood up, crossed her arms and smiled lightly, happy to provide her young fan with proof to show her friends she had been there. Two pictures were taken, and Kamikaze gave Lisa a farewell hug.

"You have to go, right?"

"Yeah. I have to make sure everything's all right in the city. It's a pleasure meeting you." She replied softly, and took a final look around the girl's room and all the memorabilia pinned to the wall. "And... I'm sorry I'm not everything you expected, Lisa. Like I said, I'm not perfect."

"Kami." Lisa called and pressed her hand against the black material covering her hero's forearm, as she readied to exit through the window. "You are good enough, and more than I expected. Thank you for visiting. And one more thing?"

"Yes?" She smiled with curiosity. The approaching night could wait a little longer...

"Come back some time?"

And Kamikaze nodded.

She knew she would.

(Kamikazi/Kamikaze Kitsune created by W. Eakins. Intellectual Property rights reserved. Used with permission.)

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Last edited by Syrius on Wed Apr 11, 2007 11:47 pm; edited 23 times in total
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Luther
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 12:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Looks pretty good to me, kept my intrest while reading it and didnt catch any misspellings (but was short on time to look at it hard).

One thing I did see that got me a bit confused was with the charectors mask, after the mention of it a fight occurs when she "caught the knife in her teeth and spat it away towards the ground", when I read the mention of the mask I thought it covered her face(like a ninja I guess), but that line made me think the mask was along the lines of Zorro, or it was taken off at some point.

I dunno, maybe im just missing something since im tired, if so sorry bout that.

Other then that, it looked fine to me.

-L
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Syrius
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 12:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes. The mask is along the lines of Zorro's. The second half of the story is coming soon. There are words in other languages to distinguish a full-face mask versus one that covers only the eyes, but english is not one of them. I'll edit something in to indicate it covers her eyes. Please, everyone who wants to say something, chime in. This is a very important project to me and want to know what it's like for you. And yes, point to grammar errors. Thanks and many huggles for you.
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whackamole2
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 1:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice. If nothing else, it's a delicious spy-novel with enough extra detail to kill a horse (or tiger, maybe...?)
I reccomend more characters, though this was a short segment. And maybe that's personal bias.
Also, a bit more character development would be nice; We know she kicks ass, but what's her favorite kind of icecream? (Or the like, of course.)
It's very good, though. Me likey.

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Syrius
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 4:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A short update. More to come in the weekend. In the meantime, let me know your opinions. Remember that german shepherds are quite the attention hounds. Razz
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 1:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I dont wanna sound like i know it all, >_> so if i sound like that then i am sorry, i just wanna help ya out :)

It's quite interesting, but maybe adding in afew extra affects would make it more interesting, like in the beginning; the use of a list of 3 was good and how Distant the character seems from this world you describe, the lack of what we know about her makes us wanna know more. But if it was a high point in the city, then maybe you should and in some words with S and SH in to create and effect like the cars hissing in the background when its read outloud. "feeling the cool and dry night air" this feels like we are meant to be feeling it with her, instead of the and you could just put a comma so that there is a flow between cool, dry and there isnt such a big pause.

For the fight scene, maybe short choppy sentances, it'lll be like short lil punches! He went to hit her. Missed. she side stepped and ect..

ahum, end of meanie mode >_>

Over all this story has a nice flow, nice part about the lamp post, no story is complete without a lil part that makes the reader chuckle :P
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 4:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice. I liked it! Action is described clearly, didn't have any trouble visualizing the characters and action.

My only nitpick is that the characters don't seem anthro enough. What I mean is, we're told the heroine is a fox, the villain is a tiger, ect. and that's it. But if we replaced the anthros with humans, the story would be exactly the same. What I mean is the fact that they're anthros doesn't seem to contribute to the story at all. (Other than the fact that anthros are awesome, of course!)

I would suggest making the characters more animal like, to give them a reason to be anthros. For example, foxes have superb senses of hearing and smell. Perhaps the vixen smells the jackal in the alley? Or hears the knife as it rips through the air? Also describe the visual extras of the characters that set them apart from humans. I think the bushy tail is the most prominent visual feature of a fox, but you don't mention it. Try using it to convey the vixen's emotions, swishing back and forth as she's thinking, standing out straight as she's angry, etc. Tigers have huge razor sharp claws. I don't think Trecoh's going to punch her. He's going try to slash her face off!

Anyway these are just some minor things that I think could go a long way. Either way, I enjoyed it and am looking forward to the next part!

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Syrius
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 12, 2007 2:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Data. Thanks for the tips. I did try the choppier sentences, and didn't like them, along with the sound effects. While I want the reader to imagine a comic book in his head, I don't want to use comic book sound effects effects as it "cheapens" the story, in my mind (POW! BAM! ZAPP! Razz). But the choppier sentences can work in another episode. Wink

Virmir wrote:
My only nitpick is that the characters don't seem anthro enough. What I mean is, we're told the heroine is a fox, the villain is a tiger, ect. and that's it. But if we replaced the anthros with humans, the story would be exactly the same. What I mean is the fact that they're anthros doesn't seem to contribute to the story at all. (Other than the fact that anthros are awesome, of course!)

I would suggest making the characters more animal like, to give them a reason to be anthros. For example, foxes have superb senses of hearing and smell. Perhaps the vixen smells the jackal in the alley? Or hears the knife as it rips through the air? Also describe the visual extras of the characters that set them apart from humans. I think the bushy tail is the most prominent visual feature of a fox, but you don't mention it. Try using it to convey the vixen's emotions, swishing back and forth as she's thinking, standing out straight as she's angry, etc. Tigers have huge razor sharp claws. I don't think Trecoh's going to punch her. He's going try to slash her face off!


Virmir, I'm glad you brought this up, and I was debating it today: Not "animalizing" your characters enough makes them very human in shape, and I agree completely when you bring the issue of them replaced by humans and being the same. On the other hand, using their animal features has been done to hell and back by many other authors (not that it's a bad thing) and I want to use the species issue more as a way to reflect these anthros are "human" inside. Meaning: all sentient, with equal rights by the Creator, with liberty and justice for all. Of course, not all will be omitted. "Species-ism" happens here, and "specie-o-types" are common. I'll try and find a middle point in between their animal features (which have not been completely erased, but are way less prominent than their non-sentient counterparts) and their "humanity" in them. (I mean human in the sense of being sentient, humane, socializing, etc.) So thanks for bringing it up. For the record, non-sentient animals exist in this universe, and that will provide a point of discussion in the future, related to how these furs came to exist, a take of evolution VS creation, and yes, even the desire of these furs to be more like the non-sentients in their world, like a certain community I happen to know. Razz

Thanks for the tips. I polished the story a little and added some more. Stay tuned.

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Syrius
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 6:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

IT IS DONE.

I CAN DIE A HAPPY DOG NOW.

Okay, seriously. Please tell me if you like it and give me your honest opinions. Mods, perhaps we can move it to the Writer's Guild (please?), or I can post it there.

If you like it, recommend it to your friends. And if not, to your enemies.

Thanks for your patience, and stay tuned for more adventures featuring The Vulpine Vigilante, Kamikaze Kitsune.

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 7:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Syrius wrote:


Okay, seriously. Please tell me if you like it and give me your honest opinions. Mods, perhaps we can move it to the Writer's Guild (please?), or I can post it there.



Well, since you said 'please' Wink
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Syrius
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 7:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you. Smile

*Dies a happy dog now* Razz

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 2:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ha ha, the scene with her boss is great. Bravo, nice work! I really enjoyed this. I retract my nitpicks I made earlier about the first part because they don't have much to do with what this story is really about. I get the sense that foxes are a common and unspectacular race (kinda like how foxes are common fursonas in the fandom) and this is about overcoming that.

Thanks for sharing!

And don't die yet! Please write more!

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 11:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All right, sorry to bump this. Upon suggestion from a friend, I did a final edit to this story and corrected some grammatical mistakes. Nothing big, but this is the definitive version of this story. Which means I can write another chapter or even other stories now that this is out of my head.

Enjoy.

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