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My sacrifice to the critics

 
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DragonWolf_keny
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Joined: 25 Jul 2005
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Location: Dallas texas

PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 12:32 am    Post subject: My sacrifice to the critics Reply with quote

well, I'm a new writer so here it is. I might as well get into posting my works here, so here is one I never really got around to publishing. It's chapter one of currently three.

A Slaves Rise to Freedom
By Kenneth Jenkins


Chapter 1
I haven’t failed!

“I am a bio form, a slave to an emperor I loathe!”


My role was supposed to be simple; I’m nothing more than a servant. The emperor couldn’t have cared less whether I lived or died. My place was supposed to be at his heel, I was just a pawn. I was also just supposed to run on a simple errand to a distant planet in a neighboring system. I believe it was named Casaria. I was supposed to baby sit an important official. It would be an easy assignment. I was sure all I had to do was follow him around and take him to my shuttle. It was just supposed to be so simple.

I had just arrived back at the docking platform and my shuttle was almost prepared for departure. It was larger than most shuttles. It was run down but functional, it was not much, but in a small way it was my home. Originally, it was a drop ship, but it had been converted to a cargo shuttle. It had the name “Crazed Fox” painted just below the cockpit view port; it was appropriately named for the crazed pilot that flew it. He went under the same call sign during his fighter piloting days. It had two detachable cargo container pods. Although, it never did change pods, the pods made it appear similar to a gun, because the pods were shaped almost like rifle clips. It had two decks not including the pods; they were a deck on to themselves.

It was almost time to depart, so I waited for the crew by the ramp to the passenger deck. I had very few belongings just my uniforms, a small dagger, and my crown. My crown was given to me, as a gift from the only human I ever called a friend. It was just a very plain gold crown, it swerved to a point at the center of my forehead but the bottom remained strait. It had a symbol of my faith carved on it. I had little else, well at least of value.

“It’s mine.” I sighed as; I held it.

Suddenly, I heard the commander shouting, “Move on…Slave!”

I nearly dropped it as he prodded me with his rifle. I quietly growled at him as he passed, put it back on my head, and marched up the boarding ramp. He and the navigator passed ahead of me walking curiously fast. I picked up the pace as well, anticipating more abuse. As soon as I was aboard the ramp retracted and the door closed nearly on my tail. I was used to such abuse. They would have just laughed, if it had caught my tail. I was so tired of the same routine every mission.

I sneered at my commanding officer as I gracefully climbed the ladder to the crew quarters deck. I wish there was a retirement for me, but the only way that would happen is if I screwed up bad enough to be sentenced to death. I was not going to let that happen.

“What ever the cost, I shall not surrender!” I chanted in a prayer, as I went sulking into my stateroom.

Although I practically lived on the ship, I never really considered it as much of a home. Still, it was better than sleeping in the cargo hold. It was mostly a simple empty room that I happened to live in. There was a closet containing my two spare uniforms, and three pairs of underwear, in addition there was a bed built right in to the wall. I was not allowed many possessions.

There was also a bathroom, which was not very private. The door was removed before it was assigned to me, so they could use the camera in the ceiling to watch me. I was sure the officers looked in on me when I was in the shower, but I could do nothing about it. Therefore, I simply did not acknowledge its presence. If I tried to cover it, they probably would just rape me anyways, at least they would try.

There was not much other furniture besides a mirror above the bathroom sink. Which was also a gift from the one who gave me my crown, I often found myself staring into it, at myself trying to guess my age. I was at least nineteen or twenty by my figuring. I wasn’t sure because bio forms are not considered true life forms. Because we are not born, but are instead are created. So it is assumed that we have no birthdays.

I really wasn’t much to look at though; I appeared to resemble a human female, at least as far as having two arms and legs. Also I have similar body, facial features, but that’s about all the similarities I have to humans. I also have a fur coat all over my body with blue markings at my waist, back, wrists, and ankles. My ears are floppy and similar to an earth dog. I appear to have blue hair that ran to above my shoulders. I also have a pair of leathery bat wings sprouting from the back of my shoulders. I have a tail as well; it was long and came to about an inch or two above my ankle. I remember, when I was little, I had a bad habit of sucking on the blue fluffy main at the end of it, like what humans called a pacifier. I appeared to stand on my toes like a cat due to my ankle being jointed higher in leg just like one.

“I hate my pathetic life,” I muttered as I fell on the bed when the ship rocked as we took off.

I just sat on the bed admiring my crown again. If only I could jewel it and embroidery it the way I wanted it. It would look much better with jewels in it. It had been a gift given to me by the only human to treat me with a little respect. I know the emperor had nothing to do with giving it to me.

That was of coarse long ago now; I was assigned to the little fox after that. Back then, I was seldom trusted and even then watched closely with any long-range weapons. I had been trained to use heavy ones but I barely did at all. I remember I did little fighting, at least for most bio forms my age. I had seen only four engagements in heavy combat.

The ship rocked violently as it exited the jump, and I hit my head on the wall. It woke me up from my nap.

So I screamed angrily, “lousy God dammed pilot!”

Then I heard him on the intercom “We will be landing at Casaria in e.t.a. five minutes, prepare for the landing.” I hated him almost as much as my commander.

My commanding officer entered and ordered, “Get up you lazy bitch, and get down to the cargo hold and get ready to unload crates as soon as we land… and make it quick!”

I got up snickering and saluted, “Yes sir!” and I quickly did as told before he decided to punish me for looking at him crossly.

It was a short walk to the ladder and a hard climb down as the ship rocked the whole way. I got there just as the ship landed. It rocked one last time, as it settled on the landing pad, and I fell off the ladder. Luckily, I was only a few feet from the floor. My commander close behind nearly stepped on me as he passed by. The bay doors opened, and As soon as he was out of earshot, I mumbled, “frak*!” as I got up.

Then I walked by some crates, and stretched a bit while my commander was not looking. Then I waited for him to tell me what crates to move.

He did, in his usual charismatic way, “start with those in the corner and then get the ones marked party goods over there. And hurry damn it!”

I started to unload them. I was always good at heavy labor. The ones in the corner were moderately heavy, but unusually the ones marked party goods sure didn’t feel like champagne bottles. When I slammed it down it made a metallic sound I recognized could have been heavy rifles. My commander came over and scolded me for dropping it so carelessly.

My commander continued watching as I worked talking with a soldier, “you know I cant help but notice every time I come to these places the labor gets so lazy.”

The soldier chuckled remarking, “I know what you mean”

the commander then said, “yeah worse every time.”

When I was done, it was about time to go meet the diplomat. Therefore, I decided to get a shower as I had just gotten all sweaty so, I climbed the ladder up the two decks and went to my room. I could hear the familiar sound of the camera in the ceiling powering up, as I unbuttoned my tunic from the front and undressed. I grabbed a new pair of underwear and a uniform, and got into the shower turned on the showerhead, and began bathing. When I was done, I had to go to the rendezvous where I would meet the diplomat. My commander came in as I was buttoning the top button on my uniform.

“Are you done yet? You aren’t getting any prettier.” He arrogantly blurted,

I answered, “You should know you watched with enough interest… bastard!”

Then he shouted angrily, “What was that slave?”

I shuddered knowing full well, what he would do next. He pushed a button on the control collar remote hanging from his belt, and I felt that familiar sting on my throat as I fell to the floor holding my collar fidgeting wildly. All slaves wore such a collar device so we could be controlled.

After he let up on the button I got up slowly saying, “Sir, I’m sorry sir.”

The bastard then retorted, “yes of course you are, we created you that way!”

I absentmindedly snapped back at him, “Ass hole!” as I got up.

Which made him angry enough to backhand me with his fist, and I fell to the ground again. After I got back up, the coward was already out of the door. So I just put on my crown, and followed him, and we both carried on to the rendezvous point as if nothing happened, as usual.

It was a long walk there. When we got to the building, I was surprised to see the official we were meeting was a confederation officer. I had never seen one before, and so I was curious. He wore a white confederate uniform. He had a few medals hanging from his chest; they rang like coins as he walked. He seemed much kinder than the other soldiers I had met.

He addressed even me with respect, as he greeted me by saying “evening my dear lady!”

He also had a woman accompanying him. She was wearing a similar but blue uniform. She did not speak much, probably a secretary or lower ranking officer. As soon as they were ready, we started the slow walk back to the ship.

I had walked until my feet hurt so I lagged behind a bit. Just as we got half way there, something completely unexpected happened. There was a scream from the woman accompanying the officer. I looked up just in time to see the confederation officers head had exploded as he fell to the floor… then I heard the loud thundering noise of the rile he had been shot with.

“He’s dead, oh no!” I gasped.

Only one thing rang in my mind. I was going to die! I knew failure was punished by death. I began feel that familiar bite in my throat again. I was being electrified with more power this time, probably so I could not run away in the chaos. As I succumbed to unconsciousness I lost all sense of what was going on.

I could remember wishing I was back with him. I still remember his face, like a dream. I could see him as clearly now, as he stood admiring me that day. He was tall and handsome, for a human! He was about 6.1” He had a scar on his face across his right eye, which was always covered up by that eye patch that was nailed to it. His other eye was green. His hair was short and black. He never kept himself shaved very well. He wore a red uniform that was dressier than my black tunic with gray trim that I ware. Although, his had black trim instead of grey, and he also wore a pair of black boots. I wish I had some boots just like them. I had to go barefoot since I ruined the only pair I had.

We were at some fancy diner party. I was standing next to the door waiting for him to show, so I could Guard him during the party. It was just after my last and final engagement. He arrived reasonably late I could tell he was a little hesitant, as he entered the building. I tried to walk in front of him, but he grabbed my hand and walked beside me into the entrance holding my hand. I was so surprised by his behavior, so unusual. I tried to hide that were holding hands but he just walked slower, it was not like him to so openly show his feelings for me.

As we went to the emperor, I could see all the contempt on his and everyone’s face. I was as confused about his behavior as they were. We walked past the emperor, and he let go of my hand. Then the emperor sat down, and everyone carried on. People drank, danced, and laughed, as I was stood in the back of the room ignoring everything.

Then he, walked over to me and he said, “I wanted to congratulate you on a great job on that last engagement.”

The emperor followed him and added, “which is why I think you should be rewarded!”

The admiral stared at me with his good eye. I was too embarrassed to make direct eye contact. Then he handed me the gold crown I now cherish so much.

And he said, “I had this made especially for you.” he graciously put it on my head, as he whispered in my ear, “I’ll get you out I promise!”

I was so confused, and I still am. What was that supposed to mean?

Suddenly I could feel the vibration of machinery, as I woke up, I realized I was back on the ship in my usual room.

I could hear the officers arguing, “I tell you it doesn’t matter, and we’ll be the ones who are going to be finished.”

Then my commander said, “Not if we tell what really happened!”

Then I heard another female voice I did not recognize say, “I will be filing a full report to my government and yours, so I would suggest you watch what you say! The Regent Mr. Ravore may be dead but I am not!” Then I heard the hatch to the bridge open and close.

I could still hear them muttering indistinctly but I did not care, as I just curled up on the bed so depressed. I fell into a restless sleep. I didn’t know what would happen next. I would probably be executed, or worse, experimentation, torture, or even prison. I could hardly imagine what! When I woke up again, we had landed back home. I knew my time was almost over, I noticed they had taken my dagger. Probably so I could not commit suicide with it. I admit, I had considered.

Just then, my commander burst in with a shock baton in his hand. I got up growling only to fall again when he lunged at me with it. I was too weak from the earlier electrocution to fight back so I did not have the strength to resist when they slapped me in chains, removed my collar, and dragged off to wherever they were taking me. “I’m going to die!”

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Last edited by DragonWolf_keny on Sat Jul 14, 2007 4:48 pm; edited 39 times in total
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PrincessB
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 1:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good. Needs some editing but quite interesting.
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DragonWolf_keny
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Location: Dallas texas

PostPosted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 12:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank ya verry much! you are the first positive comment. I was on a diferent mesage board, and all they even cared about was fantasy.(they flamed anyone who posted otherwise) needless to say they said "It sucks" only because it was scifi. "If its not fantasy, Its crap!" Now that I think about it, they were probably furry haters too.

Last edited by DragonWolf_keny on Fri May 05, 2006 11:58 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PrincessB
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 1:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

DragonWolf_keny wrote:
thank ya verry much! you are the first positive comment. I was on a diferent mesage board, and all they even cared about was fantay.(they flamed anyone who posted otherwise) needless to say they said "It sucks" only because it was scifi. Now that I think about it, they were probably furry haters.


Actually sci-fi reads aren't often in my normal interest range, it really has to catch my attention for me to want to read it, but this one was one of the rare that catch my interest. I'm actually intreaged to see more, and that dosen't often happen with me and sci-fi stuff! Smile

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DragonWolf_keny
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 5:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

oddly enough sci-fi isn't my usual genre to write in either but, this work struck my inspiration. I originally wrote about a guy and his psychic pet dragon. Somewhere during the brainstorming process the two characters merged (and sex changed) into the heroine of the current story. Sometimes my subconscious completely baffles me where I get this stuff.

In all honesty, I'd even appreciate negative constructive criticism as long as it gave me an idea as to what needed work.

"If it's not fantasy, It's crap!" is not by any means constructive


Last edited by DragonWolf_keny on Fri May 05, 2006 11:59 pm; edited 3 times in total
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DragonWolf_keny
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 6:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

sorry! browser error I meant to click the edit button. didn't mean to double post however, while I’m editing. Do I need to use more descriptors on some things? I think I could have been a bit more detailed about the uniform worn by the imperial characters.
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PrincessB
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 9:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think the descriptions are fairly good. Like I said bout the only thing I really noticed right off was it needed some editing. I'd guess that you likely edited it yourself, whenever you edit your own work you tend to see what you mean not what you actually wrote. Its only small little things here and there that would be caught better if you had an "outsider" (someone who was reading it for the first time) give it a read through before putting up for the masses.
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DragonWolf_keny
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 11:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

PrincessB wrote:
I'd guess that you likely edited it yourself, whenever you edit your own work you tend to see what you mean not what you actually wrote.

To be honest I haven’t even edited it at all. I Posted what I happened to have at the time as it was. I was just trying to post something to buy time for me to finish with my other works. I originally had written this story six years ago and decided to clean my closet and rewrote it into this. So I wont be lazy I will be getting it edited. Right now I just need an editor that does sci-fi, dragon magazine only accepts fantasy or I would submit this as an article.

I'm working on a fantasy tale right now, but as soon as the editor for dragon gets back to me I'll post it here. but before I do, Does it have to be a fury realated story, becouse it dosen't really have any furies in it?
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DragonWolf_keny
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2005 5:28 pm    Post subject: finaly got the word from the editor Reply with quote

well I finally got the answer from my editor in two simple syllables, No! or Nay, in old English as the magazine publisher told him. So I’ll probably post chapter two if I can find an editor.
Is anyone willing to help me on that? I’d appreciate it if you could help me out. I just got a job so I got to go to work but ill check back when I have time.

thanks, keny.
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DragonWolf_keny
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 20, 2005 4:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just updated it a bit a friend made a few suggestions on editing. if you look at it closely, I have moved a few things around. I think it makes a little more sense. Hope the changes help clear it up a bit.
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DragonWolf_keny
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 10:21 pm    Post subject: you wanted more so il give it to you Reply with quote

Well, princess b you said you wanted to see more so here it is part two .
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Last edited by DragonWolf_keny on Fri Mar 02, 2007 12:07 am; edited 1 time in total
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DragonWolf_keny
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2007 7:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

its been updated again I may put it on the raccoon bookshelf soon, but ill have to run it by mike of course. its been run over by my brother but it still needs work.

well anyways, later days!

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