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With every word, it becomes more real - Advice needed!

 
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Vexxed
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Joined: 06 Jan 2004
Posts: 399
Location: Boston, MA, USA

PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 12:31 am    Post subject: With every word, it becomes more real - Advice needed! Reply with quote

Hello all. I've had this idea kicking around in my head for years now, and I think it's about darn time I did something about it. I've decided to make it a webcomic, since prose is not my specialty and I'd have a heck of a time getting a spot on television anytime soon (as it was originally conceived as a TV series). So I typed up the overarching plot that I want to follow, as well as the basic premise and some brief character biographies. I'm really looking forward to filling in all the little details and crafting a whole universe for these characters to play in, but for now I just need some critique on what I've got.

At first I wanted to do just a plain old spaceship story, but I'm really leaning towards a character-driven story instead (like the new Battlestar Galactica)... which I suppose is why I'm waiting until I get these characters the way I want them before I invent all the alien races and technology and planets and stuff. And there are a lot more characters and plot threads than what I've written out so far, so don't think that what I've got here is all I've got to go on. So, yeah, critique away!

What is System Sun?

System Sun is an experimental space station built in an orbit close to Earth's sun. It was completed on August 1, 2572, and gained criticism both as “a revolutionary step in scientific progress” and as “one of the worst engineering mistakes of all time.” In fact, one of the mechanics who served on the station late in its lifetime referred to the construction of a base this close to the sun as “a really phenomenally bad idea,” despite being attracted there due to the positive attention it gained at first.

It was initially intended purely as a research outpost, but was quickly adapted for a more military purpose as conflicts between various Earth colonies and alien races began to escalate. Red tape accumulated quickly amidst heated arguments over the feasibility of defending the solar system by using a station right in the center of it.

The budget dropped year after year as more government officials grew opposed to maintaining the station. Events took a shocking turn on December 12, 2593, when a group with unusually vague demands and motives attacked the station, killing hundreds of soldiers and civilians. The decision was made to cease funding the station and to let it decay in its orbit. There is some speculation that government officials like Senator McCaffery, who was vehemently opposed to funding System Sun, were involved with staging the attack; the facts that most of the officers that survived were immediately discharged without reason after the incident, and that the people in charge have been almost completely silent on the entire issue, only serve to fuel further speculation.

But What About the Story?

The story of System Sun takes place seven years after the attack. We follow three survivors, who live a life of crime in order to make ends meet, as they work together to expose the corruption that precipitated the attack. They also meet up with other survivors who aid them in their quest. However, they are pursued by an assassin who may be involved in whatever conspiracy they are about to uncover, and could be willing to keep it under wraps at all costs...

Who's Who

Alex Stryker

Born 29 March 2572 to Leo and Miranda Stryker on Earth, Alex demonstrated an affinity for risk-taking at a very early age. His sister, Samantha, was born a few months before his second birthday; the two did not get along very well until years later, when their parents were both killed in the destruction of the passenger liner Iron Zephyr. The siblings were sent to various foster homes, often for only a few months at a time, and they quickly learned that they would need to rely on each other.

They stayed with the McKenzie family for over a year at their ranch in the southwest Former United States; Alex (age 12) was fascinated by all of his foster father's war stories, and began to look upon the man as a personal hero. After the siblings were transferred out of the McKenzie home and into a group home in the city, Alex's attitude worsened dramatically, and at age 13, he got involved in city gang activity.

Following the advice of a gang counselor, Alex joined the military on his 18th birthday. The strict discipline greatly improved his outlook, and after a year of basic training he was stationed on System Sun as a military police officer. Luckily, he was able to get in touch with his sister, who promptly chose to go with Alex to System Sun to complete two years of practical flight in order to become a licensed pilot. Since they were brother and sister, they were allowed to share quarters.

Through the following years, Alex made connections with people throughout the station and gained a reputation for being a seat-of-the-pants quick thinker; this suited him well in his involvement with the station's illicit and expansive black market, dealing in stolen and illegal goods.

Two years after the siblings were stationed on System Sun, Samantha left to pursue her career and for personal reasons; this left an open spot in Alex's room which was soon filled by Harry Farroway, a recent graduate of a top engineering program. Only five months into their friendship, System Sun was attacked by a group of terrorists with unclear motives; Alex, who was on duty at the time, found himself in a position where he could take out the enemy leader with one shot. Unfortunately, he also found himself choking under the pressure and fear, unable to pull the trigger. Within an hour, the enemy had bombed a large portion of the station, and the entire crew was ordered to evacuate.

Alex escaped safely, as did many of his friends. He was called into headquarters after making it back to Earth; shockingly, he and most of the others on the station were discharged without notice and without compensation. Most of them were outraged at this, and Alex was no exception. However, he channeled his outrage into a much more familiar pursuit and began a life of crime. After asking Samantha for access to her apartment and some of her funds (without describing the reason), he started investigating corrupt government and military officials and stealing from them, with the hopes of someday finding out why the System Sun incident was covered up so brutally.

Samantha Stryker

Born 13 Jan 2574 to Leo and Miranda Stryker on Earth, Samantha lived a normal childhood until age 5, when both of her parents were killed in the destruction of the passenger cruise liner Iron Zephyr. After this, she and her brother, Alex, were sent to various foster homes together, often for only a few months at a time; the only exception was the McKenzie family, with which they stayed for over a year.

The McKenzies let Samantha, age 10, play with a flight simulator, and she became fascinated with it. She set out to learn every tiny detail of the simulator, and decided that this is what she wanted to do with her life. Following the Strykers' stay with this family, Samantha went to libraries and bookstores and studied almost non-stop to become a licensed pilot; she successfully enrolled in flight school at age 15.

After two years of intense training, Samantha graduated flight school with top honors and, at only 17 years old, was among the youngest graduates in the history of the school. Next, she needed two years' experience in practical flight, and being the most extremely qualified pilot, she had a large and diverse choice of places to get this experience. She had gotten in touch with Alex, who was being stationed on System Sun for military duty, and decided that she would join her older brother at the same location.

During these two years, she gained much respect from almost everyone she met, and began a short-lived relationship with Aaron Caylan. This ended when he had to leave System Sun for medical reasons. Shortly afterwards, Samantha's mandatory two years ended, and she decided to leave the station as well to pursue a career elsewhere.

Several months of private piloting followed, after which she was contracted to work on the Phobos Orbital Station at Mars. There, she tested newer methods of propulsion for almost an entire year. Alex called her a few times and she gave him money and access to her apartment on Earth, since she could tell he was in rough times; unfortunately, she couldn't tell that he had become a con artist and a wanted felon. She soon received a letter notifying her of her recall from Phobos Orbital, and of her arrest for aiding a known felon pending 30 days of physical therapy (to recover from the lack of artificial gravity on the orbital).

Thirty days later, as she was being taken to a courtroom for trial, Alex surprised her by springing her free and helping her escape. She chose to remain with Alex in his life of crime, and has remained ever since.

Harry Farroway

Born 15 Sept 2573 to Laura and then-Colonel Ignatius Farroway on Earth, Harry always had strong introverted tendencies. As a child, he would spend hours taking machines apart to see how they worked instead of playing with friends, and could never do a good job explaining to others why he acted like this. He was by no means antisocial; he enjoyed listening to what others had to say, and took every chance to talk to people about things he read about or discovered, but had trouble grasping the art of talking with someone about a topic, and grew frustrated when people ignored him. His parents didn't bother trying to teach him any social skills, though, since they were just glad that he was quiet, and assumed that because he didn't speak up, he was doing just fine.

From childhood into his teenage years, Harry observed the people and the world around him, trying to study how it all worked but rarely interacting or making a difference. This left him very unsatisfied; a major frustration for him was being fully aware of his shortcomings with no idea how to overcome them. However, shortly before his sixteenth birthday, he was accepted into a prestigious engineering program due to his abilities and experience working with machines.

Four uneventful years later, Harry walked out with an engineering degree (and a minor in psychology, which he hoped to do something with later in life) and earned a position on System Sun as an apprentice mechanic. There, he met Alex Stryker, who introduced him to a lot of good people. He was also able to continue the social observations that both pleased and frustrated him in his youth.

Five months after his posting on the station, a terrorist group with vague motives attacked the station. He quickly noticed that the invaders were taking advantage of weaknesses in System Sun's computer systems to further their progress; as much as he wanted to stop them, he couldn't solve the problems as quickly as they were occurring – he was faced with the old conundrum of knowing exactly what's wrong, but not having a clue how to fix it.

After escaping back to Earth, his father (now a general) got him a job in the military shipyards, building the latest in combat spacecraft. He was unusually vocal in his opinion of this, completely disapproving of the obvious nepotism and expressing a strong interest in building civilian ships; however, his opinions fell on deaf ears, and his commitment to keeping his career intact trumped any desire to abandon the direction his life had taken.

For the next seven years, he continued doing what he did best – building things and making observations about people. He developed an ability to tell when a person was being dishonest or was wearing an emotional mask; in most cases, he could even see right through the metaphorical mask and tell how a person was really feeling. With this knack, he finally figured out how to talk to people: Engage them on an emotional level, and encourage them to open up.

How it All Starts - A Synopsis of the First Act

It's the first of January in the year 2601. Alex and Samantha have uncovered deep corruption in the office of Senator McCaffery, and are beginning to suspect that he did, in fact, play an important role in the System Sun incident. However, they also discover that the police have been following them – after all, they came across this information by stealing it, along with a large chunk of money, right from under the Senator's nose; and that's only the latest of their cons, plots, schemes and capers. They've got nowhere to go but off of Earth. Unfortunately, they don't have access to a spacecraft, and they are a hair's width away from being captured and put away for life.

Meanwhile, completely unaware of the siblings' predicament, Harry hears from a friend that Alex is in town. He's more than happy to hear that, since he lost touch with his old roommate after the attack. So he leaves Alex a message, asking to come and maybe get some lunch, catch up on old times, and hey, maybe Alex can come over to the shipyards and check out this awesome state-of-the-art small spacecraft that Harry's almost finished building!

The Strykers get this message, and light bulbs turn on. They head right over to the shipyards and ask Harry if they can take the craft, called the Athena, so they can escape. Obviously, Harry refuses, since he isn't willing to risk his whole career on something like this. Alex leaves to try and secure another ride, and Samantha stays to persuade the reluctant engineer.

Bad news: The lead that Alex thought would get him a ticket off the planet turned out to be a setup by the cops. There's a big standoff at the nearby dam, and he makes it to the top level, only to be cornered against a 600 foot drop to the water below. Suddenly, a bright light blinds the cops – a light that comes from the Athena as it rises over the dam to pick up Alex.

And there we have it – our three heroes, Alex, Sam, and Harry, are running for their lives; running away from the law and towards the answers they've been seeking for so long; running in a half-finished spacecraft which will probably break down at a critical moment; running to find satisfaction, closure, growth, and above all, a purpose.

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 4:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's an interesting premise, especially the name and the station motif, I take it's a conscious reference to System Shock?

In my opinion it's a good setting, though I must say, it'd be interesting to find out the conspiracy isn't purely evil, with something more at stakes (Nod, anyone?)
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ScottyDM
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Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA

PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 5:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awesome, Ves. Thanks for sharing.

Scotty

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