Planetfurry BBS

[Keyla]

Okay. I've decided to actually try to write something decent again. I would really like some feedback on this, and don't be afraid to criticize it, because I'd really like to know how I can improve it.
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“Shit.” I thought out loud to myself. “Monday morning, yet again.” I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling to let them adjust to the sunlight that was flooding the bedroom that I shared with my best friend. It was June 5th, only 3 days away from my last day of high school. Unlike most seniors, however, I wasn't looking forward to being done with school. High school life as a furry could be tough at times, and for some, I suppose it was even worse, but for furries, the so-called “real world” was a thousand times tougher.
I don't know how the furry races came to be initially. No one ever told me, and I guess I never really cared enough to ask about it. Even now, it doesn't matter to me. All I know is that ever since a very young age, I've had to endure teasing and bullying, name-calling, and the occasional fight because I was different from the “dominant species” of the planet. I was never curious as to why humans were the dominant species on Earth, either, probably because they came first. They never let us forget that they were dominant, either. We gave life to the phrase, “All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others.” The humans were the more equal animals, of course.
I rolled out of bed and stumbled through the mazelike piles of dirty clothes and stacks of clean, folded clothes to my dresser, where I proceeded to dig out something presentable. Blue cutoff shorts and a t-shirt with a caffeine molecule printed on the front. More or less the same as what I usually wore. I stopped for a moment to think of how lucky I was, how much luckier I was than most of the furries in the world. I had a family – a human one, but a family nonetheless – that cared for me, and a good friend who always stuck up for me no matter what sort of trouble I managed to get into.
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I'm not sure yet where I'm going to go with this, but this is just the beginning.

[Nadan]

Honestly, my critique is this: it's too short to critique. Perhaps if you could stretch it out a bit...?

[Keyla]

I'll try. Like I said, it's just a beginning, and I'm not entirely sure where to go with it.

[Rabbit]

I'd suggest that there's too much exposition too early.

All of this--

Unlike most seniors, however, I wasn't looking forward to being done with school. High school life as a furry could be tough at times, and for some, I suppose it was even worse, but for furries, the so-called “real world” was a thousand times tougher.
I don't know how the furry races came to be initially. No one ever told me, and I guess I never really cared enough to ask about it. Even now, it doesn't matter to me. All I know is that ever since a very young age, I've had to endure teasing and bullying, name-calling, and the occasional fight because I was different from the “dominant species” of the planet. I was never curious as to why humans were the dominant species on Earth, either, probably because they came first. They never let us forget that they were dominant, either. We gave life to the phrase, “All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others.” The humans were the more equal animals, of course.

is what is referred to in the fiction trade as "exposition". In it, no real _actions_ take place; it's all sterile backstory, cold explanation of lifeless facts. I'd try first of all to make at least three truly novel and interesting things happen to your protagonist before even attempting to explain all of this, and when the time came I'd try to break it up into dribs and drabs here and there, perhaps located pages apart and very likely in the form of brief mentions during already-required conversations between characters.

"Show, don't tell" is a truism of fiction-writing, a well-proven and widely-accepted one. In this case, you need to _show_ that humans are more equal by introducing us to one and having them lord over the others, while the other characters are powerless to stop it. This is the _opposite_ of exposition.

I've found it best, when possible, to start a tale right in the middle of an interesting plot-event; I just started what I hope will become a novel right in the middle of a simulated dogfight, for example, with my protagonist demonstrating the capabilities of a new aircraft-type against the best in the world. This is called a "narrative hook", and serves to entice a reader to want to read more. It also painlessly introduces the reader into your world, reducing the need for exposition whie entertaining and, certainly pushing what remains back further into the work. This is just about always a Good Thing.

You show real promise in your word-choices and sentence-structure; please, don't be discouraged by what I'm saying here and quit. _Every_ skilled writer has to learn about this kind of stuff, and most learn from other writers by asking for feedback, just exactly as you have done here. Quitting is the _last_ thing I want you to do! Rather, I'm hoping you'll come back with a modified whizz-bang of a beginning, full of fire and color and action and with dozens of readers hanging breathlessly on every story-part.