Planetfurry BBS

[Joshua Fox]

And now that I have your full attention, I recently came across a previously-published article by the infamous Video Game Critic Seanbaby (a true inspiration for we critics and former critics alike) on the "9 Naughtiest Games" on the market (if memory serves, the article was published about two years ago). Thus I do bring to you, for your enjoyment and/or descent into madness, that article as it appeared in Electronic Gaming Monthly (EGM), in this installment of "Naughty Bits Theater".

Just for the regular disclaimer, the opinions stated in this article are not neccessarily the views expressed by PF staff and affiliates, blah, blah, blah. Enjoy!

"Hail to the Sean, Baby."


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Want gaming gifts for pals who've been nice? Skip ahead to the cover story, St. Nick, Jr. Right now, it's time to - awww, yeah - get naughty. And if you think recent games like BMX XXX or Grand Theft Auto series are the first adults-only titles to ramp up the raunch, buckle the heck up, choirboy. Sand paintings show that as far back as ancient Egypt, primitive man was mixing pornography with Zaxxon. This article, formed by months of painstaking and throbbing research, ranks the nine (plus one) naughtiest titles. It doesn't matter how old or obscure the game is, or whether it was unlicensed or imported; if it belongs deep behind the counter at a game store for the criminally insane, you'll find it here.

Heed this one warning: Some of the things discussed in this article may confuse and frighten younger readers or people with sheltered lives. If you are one of these, please stop reading and skip ahead to any of the reviews of games in which you splatter alien heads with a rocket launcher. Reading this article will require some semblance of maturity and open-mindedness, so don’t go calling the police about the filth that Satan sneaked into your video game magazine.

On the other hand, please note that just ‘cause this article requires maturity to read doesn’t mean it took maturity to write. We’re not pretending that what you’re holding in your hands is anything more than an immature, hokey, funny, frightening look at gaming at its sleaziest. (And for God’s sake, we hope all you’re holding is this magazine!)

Each game will receive an Eroticism rating computed by expert pelvises, which describes how likely it is that playing it will take you from cold and clammy to hyperventilating with desire. And, though most of the actual gameplay in these naughty titles involves sexual content, the majority of the pornographic material has to be earned. That’s why each game also gets a Nudity-challenge score, which describes how much work it takes before you and your joystick see some hoo-ha.


9. Bubble Bath Babes – NES (Nintendo Entertainment System)

One day, a game designer was playing Tetris and said, “What if I were playing this type of game, but at the same time was sporting a chubby?” Thus, Bubble Bath Babes was born. It’s a lot like Tetris with a naked woman on the screen. If you do well, the game shows screenshots of sluts surrounded by flowers and screaming about bubble baths. For example, one chick in a bikini shrieks, “WAY TO GO, HOTSHOT! CARE TO LATHER ME UP?”

If that doesn’t put you in the mood for sex and Tetris at the same time, you’re either a robot… or a gay robot.

Eroticism: 2 (out of 10)

When a badly rendered woman who clearly can’t speak English is trying to seduce someone with puns about soap bubbles, she’s clearly fighting an uphill battle, no matter how attractive she is. She could be playfully washing your car with a group of topless cheerleaders, but when the words “POP MY BUBBLE NOW! I BET I CAN MAKE YOURS BURST!” come out of her mouth, you’ll probably be too busy backing away cautiously to worry about anyone’s bursting bubbles.

Nudity Challenge: 7 (out of 10)

Every two levels, the game displays a progressively-more naked picture of a woman making progressively-more insane comments about her genitals and soap. Trouble is, before you start seeing serious skin, the levels become almost impossible to beat. In fact, getting to the point at which you see any actual nudity requires such a high level of hand-eye coordination and rapid reflexes, you’d get more out of deciphering the scrambled images on late-night Skinemax.


8. Strip Fighter II – TurboGrafX-16 (only in Japan)

If all the fighters in Street Fighter II were women, and the game sucked, you’d have Strip Fighter II. In it, several karate women face off in some kind of pit-fighting tournament, where the prize is to see pictures of naked women. The warriors come from varied backgrounds and cultures but are all bound together by an ancient martial-arts technique that mostly involves showing their panties to each other.

Eroticism: 3

We’re all used to seeing half-naked females in fighting games, so nothing in Strip Fighter II will turn you on until you win a picture of a naked girl. But that’s when things get creepy. Before the camera pans down the girl’s strategically-blurred body, you see a pasted-on eyelid slide over one of her eyes and disappear. We dunno if you’ve ever seen a girl wink without moving her face, but it looks less like flirting and more like a baby doll that’s about to come to life and kill you.

Nudity Challenge: 7

You only earn nudie pictures if you beat the game on ‘Hard’. But Strip Fighter II’s control is so bad, it’s tough to tell which gal you’re actually moving. You often don’t even know you’ve lost until you notice no picture of a naked woman is revealed.


7. Burning Desire – Atari 2600

In Burning Desire, you play the role of a rescuer swooping in to save a woman from cannibals who have tied her to a burning pedestal. You dangle from a helicopter and drip liquid onto the fire with one of two rod-shaped thingies coming out of your pelvis. We’d like to think the rod squirting the flames in a fire hose, but because this is supposed to be an ‘adult’ game, we should probably just be pretty grossed out right now.

Eroticism: 1

One you slowly, drip by drip, put out the fires that are cooking the woman alive, you lower yourself down to her. She will grab your previously unused non-dousing rod with her mouth and hold on with her teeth as you fly away. Solve the mystery that these bad graphics have given us and you’ll realize that something painful and highly non-erotic is happening on the screen. Plus, your character seems to have double the normal amount of reproductive organs: one is a handle and the other is a fire extinguisher. Whatever fantasies this game is trying to create, good luck getting turned on by any of them.

Nudity Challenge: 2

The actual rescue is simple, but your only reward is a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it animation of a half-monster woman showing you and your ‘safety rope’ some X-rated gratitude. Then just to show you how bright she is, this bimbo takes about three seconds to find her way back to the cooking pot and start the whole ordeal over.


6. The Yakyuen Special – Sega Saturn (only in Japan)

In the Yakyuen Special, you select from a stable of Japanese girls ranging from cute to beastly. After you make your selection, the girl comes on the screen (next to a chart of her name, measurements and age) and politely greets you. Then you play Rock, Paper, Scissors against her, and she takes off a piece of clothing each time you win. Simple enough, right? But here’s the weird part: Each time she removes something, the girl stars in a dancing video – but this is no sexy, stripper kind of dance. Instead, she prances around like an adorable bouncing princess. That’s fine, if she’s dressed in a little tennis outfit, but when a woman is stripped down to her panties, something is horribly wrong about her dancing like a ten-year-old in a cookie commercial. Of course, this is a game from Japan. We should just be happy that an octopus demon doesn’t slither into the room and take a dump on the girl’s forehead.

Eroticism: 1

The innocence never leaves these dancing girls’ faces. It’s like they don’t actually know they’re in an adult game and think they’re putting on a talent show for their grandmothers – which means that no matter how naked they get, the player is the one who ends up feeling dirty.

Nudity Challenge: 9

Each showdown lasts until someone loses five rounds. By that time, it’s either game over or you’re watching a nude girl hop up and down. Unfortunately, we suspect this game cheats, because winning five rounds is amazingly hard. For every short video of a prancing naked girl, the game cheats you into watching several hours of partially-clothed dancing. The Yakyuen Special is like buying a stack of adult magazines and letting yourself enjoy them only if you’ve flipped a coin to ‘heads’ fifty times in a row.


5. Gigolo – Atari 2600

Note: For censorship reasons, we’ve replaced all the names of private parts in this write-up with the name of a vehicle. For example, what was once the word “penis” might now be described as “riding Lawn Mower”. If this choice of code leads to any groin-related disasters, be sure to send us a postcard from the road after you join the retard circus.

With your Gigolo game cartridge and a little imagination, you and your Atari 2600 can go on an exciting journey into the world of street prostitution. The object of the game is to go from door to door and ‘do business’ with any men you find inside. When you encounter a customer, the game switches to an action sequence of you riding his dune buggy in his unfurnished apartment. Press the joystick up to shift your hovercraft to the tip of his fire truck, then press the joystick down to slide your roller skate to the base of his speedboat. For each successful maneuver, you receive one dollar, which you’ll need to return to your pimp’s walk-up window. The only challenge of the game comes from the many random houses of people unwilling to solicit a prostitute – they’ll throw you into the street and call the cops. Then it’s a mad scramble to escape by ducking into houses and hoping someone in there will let you lie low while they pay you to jump up and down on their John Deere tractor.

Eroticism: 1

Even if this wasn’t the Atari 2600, and the graphics didn’t look like two oatmeal robots humping, there’s still nothing that desirable about running from house to house and jumping on strange, naked men.

Nudity Challenge: 5

You only get three lives, and you lose one every time the police arrest you. That means if you’re unlucky enough to stumble upon only uninterested customers, a lot of Gigolo sessions end without even one opportunity to sell your sweet paddleboat.


4. Choaniki – Playstation (Only in Japan)

It was inevitable that a Japanese game designer would follow his Japanese/English dictionary down a trail of mistranslation from “Happy” to “Whimsical” to “Gay” and finally to “It’s raining men – hallelujah!” That’s apparently what happened with this oddball installment of an even more oddball Japanese series. Choaniki is a cross between the classic shooter Gladius and oily men having fun with each other. You start the game as a nine-story man in a speedo, firing lasers out of your Viking hat. Soon you’re transported to a dimension or pure Homoerotica. As you swim through the air with your two nude male assistants, you blast hordes of chariots filled with naked men; rocket-powered, shaft-shaped objects crawling with naked men; and giant naked men using other giant naked men as pogo sticks. And if you think that sounds awesome, maybe you oughta take the money you were going to spend on Cher tickets and import Choaniki instead.

Eroticism: 0

Let us try to paint this oil massage of a mental picture: The first boss is a monstrously huge man wearing a metal sphere for a codpiece. As you blast it, a second phallic-shaped man comes out of his crotch and tries to grab you with his stretching arms and head. While this is all going on, humpy jazz music is mixed with the sounds of a woman panting. That other sound you’re hearing is you screaming.

Nudity Challenge: 0

Even if you’re terrible at Choaniki, the game’s intro features all the grinning, posing naked men you could ever want.


3. Custer’s Revenge – Atari 2600

Custer’s Revenge is a dramatic historical creation of the battle of Little Big Horn, slightly rewritten to appeal to our adult fantasies. Instead of being killed by the savage, godless Sioux and Cheyenne Indians, Custer wades through a hail of arrows to get it on with a woman tied to a cactus. We know what you're saying: Finally, I can use our country's bloodiest military disaster as foreplay!

Eroticism: 2

If you're wondering how to explain this game's level of intense sexuality to your children, the Custer's Revenge Instruction manual advises, "If the kids catch you and should ask, tell them Custer and the Maiden are just dancing." This advice is pointless, though: If you're the kind of parent who gets off on a pink-scarf-wearing cowboy romancing what looks like a hot dog stuck on a toothpick, you're probably playing the game far away from the safe location where the local authorities have moved your children.

Nudity Challenge: 7

Getting across the screen to score points with your pelvis is mostly a matter of luck, since, if you see an arrow coming at you, you probably can't move fast enough to dodge it. Also, cacti appear randomly and skewer your manhood without warning. These are both formidable obstacles on your noble quest, but the real challenge must have come when Custer had to convince the Seventh Calvary to go through this ridiculous military operation, just so he could get some action. Like the game's tagline says: "Get ready for Liberty, Lady, cause' God's Great America just dropped his pants! Yee-HAW!"


2. Boon-Ga Boon-Ga - Arcade

Developed by South Koreans for Japanese arcade-goers, Boon-ga Boon-ga is absolute madness. You select from eight characters, like 'Gangster' and 'Child Molester' and then - better sit down for this - you ram a plastic finger into a plastic butt that protrudes from the arcade unit next to the words: "HAVE A FUN! ENJOY!" This game does more than threaten the future of the world with an army of highly-trained madmen proctologists; it shames America's industrial complex. Japan and South Korea have completely beaten us in the virtual-rectal-stimulation-simulation race.

Eroticism: ???

Since the entire idea behind this mess confuses us, we couldn't give it a fair Eroticism rating. So come up with your own personal score by rating the likelihood you'll ever say this sentence: "I've been at the arcade pretending to jam my finger up a gangster's buttocks all day. Boy, am I horny!"

Nudity Challenge: 0

There's really no nudity to earn in this game, but a card pops out of the machine after every match and explains your sexual behavior. And after imagining the kind of people who would assault a toy ass in public, it's a safe bet that every card reads, "Your sex life is a big disaster of freakish criminal behavior."


1. Miss World '96 Nude - Arcade

The object of Miss World '96 Nude is to draw on areas of the screen and uncover a picture of - you guessed it - a naked woman. The challenge comes from the creatures who try to ram you while you're drawing. It all works kind of like the classic game Qix, only here you get to "MEET HOT BEAUTIFUL GIRL!", quoth the game. Depending on which girl you select, the pictures come in varying degrees of nudity. One woman may be covered in Lingerie, while another looks like she was photographed by a man trying to climb up her birth canal.

Eroticism: -16

Almost all the women in this game look good; that's not the problem. The problem is that, at random points during gameplay, a little girl's head appears, shouts "Turning!" and transforms into Dracula. Then the nude photo you're uncovering switches to a scene of absolute horror. What was once a seductive, stretching woman is now a pile of blood-soaked, screaming corpses. Growling demon heads grow smaller demon heads out of their faces. The fact that this hellish picture eventually turns back into a topless girl is moot - you're still done thinking about sex for a while.

Nudity Challenge: 3

While it will probably take a few quarters and a strong stomach for demonic terror to make it far enough in this game to reveal an entirely nude picture, you at least see each woman's body in silhouette before you uncover it. So, if you have a thing for a certain body part - say, the armpit - it's pretty easy to figure out where her armpits are and draw out the area around them. But keep your quarters. If an armpit that transforms into Pinhead and then back into an armpit can arouse you, chances are, you'll be aroused by anything.

And finally, the game that's just too naughty for EGM...


Beat 'em & Eat 'em - Atari 2600

Note: We wanted to let you read all about Beat 'em & Eat 'em, the bona fide nastiest game of all time. But the truth is, if you had been directly exposed to the following text, demons would have dragged us straight to Hell. So we've censored the more offensive bits. Read between the lines at the risk of your mortal soul.

The object of Beat 'em & Eat 'em is simple: you control two naked women who run back and forth trying to catch falling shots of (CENSORED) with their mouths. You might ask why someone would do something like that. Well, the manual says that each (CENSORED) "could have been a famous doctor or lawyer". The problem with that - and this is a medical fact - is that it doesn't matter whether you catch the (CENSORED) with your (CENSORED) or let it splatter all over the sidewalk. It's still going to give you the same number of famous baby lawyers: none.

Eroticism: 1

There's something non-erotic about skipping past the foreplay, past the (CENSORED) and getting straight to the (CENSORED). They might as well have skipped to sleeping on the (CENSORED) spot.

Nudity Challenge: 8

As the game goes on, the (CENSORED) falls like rain. Catching it all (CENSORED) requires a miracle of perversion and reflexes. For each falling wave of future doctors you manage to (CENSORED), however, you're rewarded with an animation of the women licking their lips. And with the primitive graphics of the Atari 2600, these lip-licking women look like they have beards. So essentially the only reward you have for all your hard (CENSORED) is a picture of what looks less like a pair of seductive women and more like a pair of bearded truckers who just chugged a gallon of rancid milk.


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And with that mental image, so ends this installment of Naughty Bits Theater. Good day, chaps!

[racky raccoon]

you know il never be able to look at milk again..... thanks, thanks alot

[DarkeWolf]

ROFL! I can only imagine nudity on NES.....

-Enter a crew of horny teenagers-

"Check this out guys...look what I bought!"

"HOLY CHRIST CAKES! FIRE IT UP"

- Giggles about what mom would say -

*nintendo ding*

*crappy pr0n music*

*game starts*

"WAIT! I THINK I SEE A NIPPLE...Oh...its only a pixel.....WAIT WAIT! I THINK I SEE.....No, another pixel.....WAIT....."


And this goes on and on for hours....*G*

[RenaBhaLL]

omg my eyes...MY EYES!!

>_<;;

[Danny]

Is there a way to order one of these Boonga Boonga arcades?

[Solis]

So sad, so very very sad.

[Vee Are Are Schee]

I don't think you can get one of those full arcade thingummies, but there is always the fighting game version of Cho Aniki: http://www.encyclopedia-obscura.com/gamescho.html

There are still ROM's of it up on the internet out there.

[Unseenthings]

There are so many better ways to see way better things.

[Cateagle]

Lest anyone think this is a joke, at least one of those games made the news magazines when it came out. *Shudder* I'll pass on these.

[Iron_Raptor]

Joshy boy, you have WAAAAAAY too much spare time on your hands.. GET MARRIED ALREADY! ^_^

*hugs!*

I'm going to crawl into a hole and suck my thumb now..

[Rava Purr-Fox]

Working on that.... Weddings take a long time to plan. *sighs*

*grumbles about men having it easy and way too much time on their hands if they think up, critic and play stupids games*

[SkunkFox]

Josh.. you really need a new hobby. *Goes back to looking at Josh Fox porn.*